2011-Apr-12

Index of Journals

April 12, 2011
Why didn’t I say what is truth yesterday when they were asking me about the circumstances I am into? 

That was creepy if that was the plan. Okay, chachaji had asked me about results and then babaji pulled it through to the drawing room. Before leaving the room he had asked that when he left nothing to do of his part then why I didn’t give I had to, don’t I see his circumstances? I asked him don’t he see my circumstances? He asked, “What circumstances I was talking about?” I had to tell him the answer, a sort of public declaration but I just took steps away saying I need to go study. He repeated the question and I said, “You don’t let me study”. 

Now I wonder if I was framed, if the scene was framed, if chachaji just wanted to show that I don’t have anything on my mind real and reasonable than just crap which I can’t unleash in public. But that is not the thing, had I started to make them count the circumstances than I would have to start from person to person and that would have become a show, a day-and-night show. I didn’t want that, I don’t want anything from this family, just that I could walk away that would be great. I just want to move out, to a free world. I don’t want to get into any kind of discussion with chachaji if that would result in me staying in this place. No way, I want separation and that is the thing. And, I guess, for that I will have to walk out empty handed, no matter what, chachaji is money-minded, crap things go in his mind, he is like he can’t see anyone rising above him in his home. He doesn’t want that, I don’t want that either, this man is better dead, and I don’t have anything to do with the family that I would take his animal-down-line with me. It has to be me alone, sooner or later.

2352: I was asleep the afternoon and I had written it in the morning, I almost forgot I had started the entry right with the first creepy thought about the creepiest person I ever had in my life. 

I need to stop thinking about USA. That is just a blurred image in my mind I don’t even seem to have started a run after. And the run can never be started until uncle is around. He can’t see anyone rise, he don’t want people to go after money, the only real and true thing in this materialistic world, when he himself is running after no other thing hiding under the veil of Jainism. That’s bullshit. I need to be realistic with my plans, my dreams, my wishes; I leave uncle aside ignoring the fact that this man will never stop playing games with my life and he was never too far. He may have gone away but until and unless he and I share a direct or indirect link (like via Rekha buaji, or like how he had played babaji on me yesterday) I am vulnerable to attack. He is a very dangerous man. I have to be fucking careful. I need to be real. I am never chasing the American dream blindly again.

One way, I can get there is by giving entrance exams for higher education in America. Still, I need to concentrate on my Undergraduate results because they form a part of the criteria for admission. I have that in mind. I never thought of other ways, because they have nothing to do with BTech. I don’t see any scope of catching back soon with other nerds at college, my life at home has killed the student in me. Thing that hurts me the most is that I have no one to go and explain myself without asking for pity. It is not fair; I am not being fair with myself while setting up such high standards of achievements which don’t look far, but impossible. What if I don’t get out this place successful? What if uncle never let me come out of this cage? What if lose everything in the search for fresh air? 
I will concentrate on my Under-graduation. No matter what result will come; I am capable enough to start a life afresh with the little I will have without anyone else’s help. I have enough aptitude and endurance to have a run without BTech degree in hand, Bill Gated didn’t go to Harvard to find Microsoft. Steve Jobs didn’t go to college to take lessons on how to find Apple. Sean Parker, he didn’t undergraduate. Both the list and the representatives’ worth are countless. I know English, I know Computers, I have been through JEE twice in two years, and that instills in me enough experience about the exam. I am very capable; I just need to have a Run.
God bless me
Ashish