“Here are the two abutments of a bridge,” the instructor said.
“Use the resources here and make a bridge.”
Straightforward, right? Ten minutes were given. The task was clear. But within moments, the atmosphere changed.
As the participant began working, the barrage began:
“You’ve seen a bridge before, right?”
“Then why are you struggling?”
“Come on! This is how you cut a string!”
“You don’t even know how to use scissors?”
“Very bad. Useless!”
The instructions kept shifting too:
“You have ten minutes.”
A few seconds later: “Two minutes! I want the bridge in two minutes!”
Nothing felt fair, nothing felt steady, and nothing felt supportive. The goal was simple—build a bridge—yet the noise made it feel impossible.
But this wasn’t really about building a bridge.
When the time was up, the instructor revealed the point of the entire exercise:
In real life—especially in projects, teams, and leadership roles—you will face exactly this.
People will taunt you.
Communication will be unclear.
Specifications will be missing.
Attitudes will be negative.
Deadlines will shift without warning.
So what do you do?
You shut out the noise.
You focus on the task.
You preserve your attitude, even when others don’t.
As the instructor summed it up:
“When you start judging others’ attitude, you risk losing your own. Ignore the noise and finish the task.”
Leadership isn’t about complaining that instructions weren’t perfect.
It isn’t about reacting to every negative comment.
It isn’t about panicking when chaos hits.
Leadership is about composure.
About focusing on the next step.
About maintaining your internal clarity even when the environment lacks it.
And perhaps the most powerful line from the session:
“Good managers never panic. They give an iron handshake with a velvet cushion.”
Firm.
Steady.
Respectful.
Calm under pressure.
This bridge-building exercise was more than a game. It was a miniature version of stress interviews, competitive work environments, and real-world messy situations where confusion and distractions are deliberately created.
And the message is simple:
Look at the task.
Do what needs to be done.
Move on.
Good luck—and when the noise gets loud, just remember the bridge.
Stress interviews are designed to rattle you. They test not your knowledge, not your technical expertise, but your composure under pressure. Recently, I came across a brilliant example where an interviewer used a deceptively simple puzzle to push a candidate to the edge:
“Draw me a triangle with two lines.
No folding the paper. No using the edges.
Can you, or can you not?”
The candidate tries.
Fails.
Gets flustered.
Tries a square with three lines instead.
Fails again.
All while the interviewer fires questions in a firm, unrelenting tone.
We’ve all been there: when the pressure is intentionally dialed up, your mind goes blank, your breath shortens, and even the simplest tasks suddenly feel impossible.
But as Prof. VKJ later explains, the goal of such interviews isn’t the puzzle — it’s your reaction.
Why Stress Interviews Exist
Stress interviews are commonly used for roles that require strong emotional resilience—
• HR professionals negotiating with unions
• Customer service managers handling irate clients
• Airline staff dealing with angry passengers
• Any job where you must stay calm while the world around you gets loud
In these situations, the interviewer isn’t looking for the right answer.
They want to see:
Do you lose your cool?
Do you crumble?
Do you get agitated?
Or do you stay steady, collected, and thoughtful under pressure?
The Real Test: Staying Still
Prof. VKJ shares an essential insight:
“You win this interview if you don’t get agitated.”
When the pressure rises, the best strategy is surprisingly simple:
1. Take a deep breath
A moment of calm can reset your thinking.
2. Keep your eyes steady
Eye contact signals confidence even when your mind is racing.
3. If you know the answer, give it.
Clear, concise, composed.
4. If you don’t know the answer — stay still.
Don’t fidget.
Don’t ramble.
Don’t panic.
Stillness is power.
Stillness signals control.
Even if the panel tries to provoke you
—even if they tell you to leave—
your steadiness becomes your strength.
The Trick in the Question
Here’s where the interviewer’s puzzle gets interesting:
“Draw a triangle with two lines.”
Most people assume: A triangle must be drawn using only two lines.
Impossible.
But the question never said “only two lines.”
It said “with two lines.”
That means as long as a triangle appears with two lines in it, you're good:
You can draw one full triangle, then add two lines to accompany it.
You can use two lines to form part of the triangle while another line closes it.
The interpretation is flexible — if you stay calm enough to think.
The same applies to the three-line square puzzle.
Stress clouds creativity.
Calm enables clarity.
The Real Lesson
A stress interview isn’t meant to test your intelligence — it’s meant to test your inner stillness.
When you're calm under pressure, you win.
When you let the situation shake you, you lose.
So the next time someone fires rapid questions at you, challenges your response, or tries to unsettle you:
Breathe.
Stay still.
Think.
Answer only when ready.
Because sometimes, succeeding in the interview has nothing to do with the puzzle —
and everything to do with the person solving it.
Good luck, folks. And remember: the triangle isn’t the test. You are.
What if happiness isn’t something that happens to us, but something we can actually practice?
In his book The 80/20 Principle, Richard Koch dedicates a chapter to happiness—how to cultivate it, sustain it, and make it a more consistent part of everyday life. Drawing inspiration from psychology and behavioral science, Koch reminds us that even though our temperament shapes us, it doesn’t have to define us.
As Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, says:
“Temperament is not destiny.”
That means we can learn happiness. It’s a skill—one that improves the more we practice it.
1. Surround Yourself with Happy People
One of Koch’s most practical insights is deceptively simple: associate more often with positive and happy people.
Think about it—our emotions are contagious. It’s much easier to be cheerful around someone who radiates joy than it is to lift your mood when surrounded by constant negativity. Being around people who find humor in small things, who bounce back from challenges, and who encourage others to smile—these people become catalysts for your own happiness.
If you can, build your social circle with those who uplift you. And if that’s not possible right now, even reading or listening to uplifting voices—through books, podcasts, or videos—can make a difference.
2. Move Your Body Every Day
Koch also stresses the importance of exercise in cultivating happiness. Physical activity is more than just a tool for fitness—it’s one of the brain’s most effective happiness boosters.
When you exercise, your body releases endorphins—those natural “feel-good” hormones that help relieve stress and elevate mood. In fact, exercise provides many of the same benefits as antidepressants—without the side effects or the cost.
So whether it’s a walk, a dance session, or a simple stretch routine, daily movement acts like a mental reset button. It’s a reminder that happiness often begins in the body before it reaches the mind.
3. Engage Your Creativity
Another key to lasting happiness is creativity. Koch suggests indulging in activities that let you create—not just consume. This could be painting, playing an instrument, writing, cooking, or even journaling.
Journaling, in particular, has become one of my favorite daily habits. It’s not about writing something profound—it’s about giving your thoughts room to breathe. When you journal, you slow down, reflect, and often stumble upon insights about yourself that you wouldn’t have found otherwise.
Creativity connects us to a deeper sense of purpose. It’s not about perfection—it’s about flow.
4. Stimulate Your Mind
Happiness thrives on curiosity. Koch recommends regularly doing things that stimulate your brain—like reading, traveling, having meaningful conversations, or practicing mindfulness.
Even small doses of these can transform your mindset. Reading a few pages before bed, exploring a new café in your neighborhood, or meditating for five minutes can each create micro-moments of peace and discovery.
For me, combining reading, journaling, and meditation has created a rhythm that keeps me grounded and centered.
5. Set Achievable Goals
Finally, Koch encourages us to think beyond daily habits and focus on medium- and long-term happiness. One way to do that is by setting achievable goals—and working steadily toward them.
Start simple. The goal doesn’t have to be grand—it just has to be attainable. Small wins build confidence, and over time, this creates a powerful sense of control and satisfaction.
Happiness, in this sense, isn’t about constant excitement—it’s about direction. When you’re moving toward something meaningful, even slowly, life feels fuller and more rewarding.
The 80/20 Rule of Happiness
Koch’s overarching philosophy—the 80/20 principle—applies beautifully to happiness. It suggests that 80% of our joy often comes from just 20% of our actions or relationships.
So, ask yourself:
What are the 20% of things that bring you the most happiness?
And how can you do more of them—more often, more consciously?
Because happiness doesn’t require a complete overhaul of your life. Sometimes, it’s just about focusing on what already works.
Final Thoughts
Happiness isn’t luck, and it isn’t magic—it’s a habit.
From surrounding yourself with joyful people to keeping your body active, from nurturing creativity to setting simple goals—each habit becomes a brick in the foundation of a more content, fulfilling life.
And as Koch reminds us, if you practice these small shifts long enough, happiness stops being a goal and becomes a way of being.
We often hear that happiness isn’t something we can control — it’s something we experience. Yet, some powerful books challenge this notion and suggest that we can, in fact, shape our happiness through conscious effort. Among them are Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, The 80/20 Principle by Richard Koch, and First Things First by Stephen R. Covey.
The shared wisdom from these works is simple but profound: put your happiness in the “first things.”
These “first things” are the reasons you work, strive, and care — the pursuits and people that truly matter to you.
The 80/20 of Happiness
Just as 80% of your results come from 20% of your efforts, a similar pattern holds true for happiness. Most of your joy likely comes from a small set of activities, moments, or people — and, conversely, most of your stress or dissatisfaction stems from a few specific sources.
So, identify when you were at your happiest and do more of that. Likewise, recognize the moments that consistently drain you and reduce your time around them.
Building the Habit of Optimism
Happiness isn’t a one-time choice; it’s a practice. By intentionally looking for the silver lining, you train your mind to focus on hope and optimism. It might feel unnatural at first — in the first week or even the first month — but persistence turns positivity into habit.
The End Note
In the long run, happiness doesn’t just follow success — it fuels it. When you prioritize your joy and well-being first, success becomes a natural byproduct.
So, put happiness in your first things — and let the rest fall into place.
Life is not merely about survival—it’s about living. This truth, as visceral and raw as the Japanese art of Raku-yaki, reminds us that existence becomes extraordinary when we embrace its cracks, risks, and fleeting beauty. Much like the pottery forged in flames and cooled abruptly to create unpredictable patterns, living intensely demands courage, authenticity, and a willingness to endure the heat of vulnerability.
The Divide Between Surviving and Thriving
To survive is to exist in grayscale: routines blur, passions dim, and days slip by unchallenged. But to live is to awaken to color—to feel the burn of a passionate kiss, the ache of unbridled joy, and the exhilaration of chasing growth. Living requires bravery. It asks us to reject complacency, confront self-imposed limitations, and defy the suffocating weight of others’ expectations. Too often, we imprison ourselves in fantasies of who we “should” be, grafting borrowed dreams onto our souls until we forget our own desires.
The Price (and Power) of Authenticity
Living intensely isn’t about perfection—it’s about coherence. It means shedding facades and refusing to curate a life that pleases others. Your quirks, your flaws, your idiosyncrasies? They’re not weaknesses; they’re your signature. Hiding them to fit into a mold is a disservice to the world. As the text reminds us, “You are a compendium of virtues waiting to be activated.” Why trade your authenticity for a script written by someone else’s hand?
Yes, living boldly invites risk. Hearts break, plans unravel, and failures sting. But our bodies and minds are resilient, wired to heal and rebuild. Avoiding pain might keep us safe, but it also cages us in stagnation. Growth demands scars.
A Lesson from the Dolomites
Perspective shapes reality. The author’s story of arriving in the Dolomites under cover of darkness resonates deeply. In the absence of light, the mountains seemed ordinary—a shadow of the Pyrenees. But dawn revealed their majesty: crimson peaks blazing against a waking sky. The lesson? What we cannot see still exists. Our potential, like those mountains, remains hidden until we choose to illuminate it.
Dare to Leap
Living intensely isn’t reckless abandon—it’s intentional defiance. It’s messy hair, impulsive road trips, and loving fiercely despite the risk of loss. Surviving asks, “What’s the safest path?” Living demands, “What sets my soul on fire?”
So, let your hair down. Dive into the sea. Kiss like it’s your last chance. The cracks and imperfections? They’re proof you’ve lived. As Raku-yaki teaches us, beauty lies in the unpredictable. Embrace the heat, the breaks, and the repair. Your life is a masterpiece in progress—don’t settle for a sketch.
Illuminate your perspective. Live intensely. 🌟
The phrase “art of the essential” in this context speaks to the philosophy of distilling life down to its most authentic, meaningful, and purposeful elements. It’s about stripping away the superficial, the unnecessary, and the externally imposed expectations to focus on what truly matters: living deeply, courageously, and in alignment with your core self.
Breaking Down the Metaphor:
The term draws inspiration from Raku-yaki, a Japanese pottery technique known for its simplicity, imperfection, and embrace of the unpredictable. Raku ceramics are created through a process of intense fire, rapid cooling, and acceptance of cracks and irregularities. The result is a piece that embodies wabi-sabi—the beauty of impermanence and imperfection. Similarly, the “art of the essential” in life involves:
Embracing Imperfection: Just as Raku-yaki celebrates cracks and asymmetry, living authentically means accepting vulnerability, risks, and even pain as part of growth. It rejects the pursuit of a flawless, curated existence in favor of raw, unfiltered experiences.
Focusing on What Matters: The “essential” refers to the core truths of existence: love, passion, growth, and connection. It’s about shedding societal pressures, material distractions, and self-imposed fantasies to prioritize what nourishes the soul.
Courage Over Comfort: Survival is safe; living is daring. The “art” lies in choosing intensity over inertia—whether that means pursuing a dream, loving openly, or confronting fears. It’s about crafting a life that reflects your values, not societal scripts.
Why “Essential”?
The “essential” contrasts with the inessential—the noise that drowns out our true selves:
External pressures: Others’ expectations, social media comparisons, or the chase for status.
Internalized fears: Self-doubt, complacency, or avoiding pain at the cost of growth.
Superficial goals: Chasing wealth, accolades, or approval without asking, “Does this align with who I am?”
The “art” is in discerning what’s vital and having the courage to let go of the rest. Like the author’s story of the Dolomites, the “essential” is already present—it’s obscured only by our limited perspective. When we “light up” our lives (through self-awareness, risk, or vulnerability), we gain clarity.
Living the Art of the Essential:
To practice this philosophy is to:
Activate your virtues: Stop hiding your quirks or passions to fit in.
Welcome adversity: See challenges as opportunities to grow stronger, not threats to avoid.
Repair, don’t retreat: Trust your capacity to heal from setbacks, just as Raku pottery is shaped by fire and repair.
In the end, the “art of the essential” is a rebellion against a life half-lived. It’s choosing to leap into the unknown, messy and imperfect, knowing that this—not safety or control—is where meaning thrives.
As the blog post urges: Don’t settle for surviving when you were born to blaze. 🔥
Ref: Ch 1 from the book (Kintsugi by Tomas Navarro)Tags: Book Summary,Emotional Intelligence,
Renowned psychologist Daniel Kahneman opted for assisted suicide in Switzerland, sharing his decision with close friends. He believed the burdens of life would outweigh its benefits. His choice, seen by some as consistent with his research, was deeply personal and not intended as a public statement.
Nobel Laureate and a psychologist, best known for his work on psychology of judgment and decision-making as well as behavioural economics, Daniel Kahneman took the decision of ending his own life, a Wall Street Journal report said.
The report, published on Friday, said that shortly before Kahneman died in March last year, he sent an email to his friends saying that he was choosing to end his own life in Switzerland.
“I have believed since I was a teenager that the miseries and indignities of the last years of life are superfluous, and I am acting on that belief. Most people hate changing their minds,” he said, “but I like to change my mind. It means I’ve learned something…” read the email Kahneman wrote to his friends before flying to Switzerland.
While the world mourned his death last year, only close friends and family knew that it transpired at an assisted-suicide facility in Switzerland. “Some are still struggling to come to terms with his decision,” the report said.
His last email went on to say: “I am not embarrassed by my choice, but I am also not interested in making it a public statement. The family will avoid details about the cause of death to the extent possible, because no one wants it to be the focus of the obits. Please avoid talking about it for a few days.”
Who was Daniel Kahneman?
Kahneman was one the world's most influential thinkers, a psychologist at Princeton University, winner of the Nobel Prize in economics in 2002 and author of the international bestseller ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ published in 2011.
Born on March 5, 1934, in Tel Aviv, British Mandate of Palestine (now Israel), Kahneman lived in Paris but moved to Palestine with his mother and sister after his father's death in 1944.
He studied psychology at Hebrew University and the University of California, earning his Ph.D. in 1961. Kahneman researched on decision-making under uncertainty resulting in the formulation of a new branch of economic, prospect theory.
Kahneman's award wining research
“Before his groundbreaking research, economists had long assumed that human beings are rational. By that, they meant that people’s beliefs are internally consistent, they make decisions based on all the relevant information and their preferences don’t change,” the WSJ said.
However, Kahneman refuted this definition of rationality. He also did not contend that people are irrational. Instead, he argued that “they are inconsistent, emotional and easily fooled—most easily of all, by themselves… In short, he made the case that people are neither rational nor irrational; they are, simply, human," the report said.
His decision to take his life
The WSJ report added, “Some of Kahneman’s friends think what he did was consistent with his own research. ‘Right to the end, he was a lot smarter than most of us,’ says Philip Tetlock, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania. ‘But I am no mind reader. My best guess is he felt he was falling apart, cognitively and physically. And he really wanted to enjoy life and expected life to become decreasingly enjoyable. I suspect he worked out a hedonic calculus of when the burdens of life would begin to outweigh the benefits—and he probably foresaw a very steep decline in his early 90s.. I have never seen a better-planned death than the one Danny designed'.”
His friends and family say that Kahneman’s choice was purely personal; he didn’t endorse assisted suicide for anyone else and never wished to be viewed as advocating it for others.
Some of his friends knew about his plans before he went to Switzerland. Despite their efforts to talk him into deferring his decision, he wouldn't budge. In fact, he had to ask a friend to stop after they relentlessly pleaded with him.
“Life was certainly precious to him. Kahneman and his Jewish family had spent much of his childhood hiding from the Nazis in southern France during the Holocaust. ‘We were hunted like rabbits,’ he said,” the WSJ said.
His final words in his final email were: “I discovered after making the decision that I am not afraid of not existing, and that I think of death as going to sleep and not waking up. The last period has truly not been hard, except for witnessing the pain I caused others. So if you were inclined to be sorry for me, don’t be,” the report said.
Ref
क्या आपको कभी ऐसा लगता है कि आप एक ऐसे रिश्ते में हैं जहाँ हर बात पर झगड़ा होता है? जैसे आप एक ही घर में रहते हुए भी अलग-अलग भाषाएँ बोल रहे हैं? आप अकेले नहीं हैं। जॉन ग्रे की किताब पुरुष मंगल से हैं, महिलाएं शुक्र से ने इस आम समस्या को बहुत अच्छे से समझाया है: महिलाओं को लगता है कि उनकी बात कोई नहीं सुनता और पुरुषों को लगता है कि हर कोई उनकी आलोचना करता रहता है। किताब में यह बताया गया है कि पुरुष और महिलाएं अक्सर अलग-अलग तरीके से बात करते हैं और उनकी ज़रूरतें भी अलग होती हैं।
लेकिन सिर्फ़ किताब के बारे में बताना काफ़ी नहीं है। चलिए, गहराई में जाते हैं। क्या है जो पुरुषों को "मंगल ग्रह" और महिलाओं को "शुक्र ग्रह" बनाता है, और हम दीवारों की जगह पुल कैसे बना सकते हैं? क्या ये सच है कि पुरुष मंगल से और महिलाएं शुक्र से हैं?
मंगल ग्रह और शुक्र ग्रह: ऊपर-ऊपर से नहीं, अंदर तक समझिए
ग्रे का कहना है कि पुरुष ("मंगल ग्रह") ताकत, काम करने की क्षमता और सफलता को अहमियत देते हैं, जबकि महिलाएं ("शुक्र ग्रह") प्यार, बातचीत और रिश्तों को ज़्यादा ज़रूरी मानती हैं। मंगल ग्रह वाले लोग खुद ही समस्याएँ सुलझाते हैं और सलाह देना सम्मान की बात समझते हैं। शुक्र ग्रह वाली महिलाएं अपनी भावनाएँ बाँटने में खुश होती हैं और मदद करना प्यार जताना मानती हैं।
एक सच्ची कहानी: टपकता नल
मुझे याद है, एक बार मेरी दोस्त सारा एक टपकते नल के बारे में शिकायत कर रही थी। उसके पति, मार्क, ने तुरंत उसे ठीक करने का तरीका बताना शुरू कर दिया, यहाँ तक कि डायग्राम और यूट्यूब वीडियो भी दिखाए। सारा को गुस्सा आ गया। उसने कहा, "मैं तो बस चाहती थी कि तुम सुनो!" मार्क सच में मदद करना चाहता था, लेकिन उसका "मिस्टर फिक्स-इट" वाला तरीका बिल्कुल गलत था।
लेकिन ऐसा क्यों होता है? गहराई से देखिए
ग्रे की बात भले ही मददगार हो, लेकिन हमें और गहराई में जाना चाहिए। मनोविज्ञान कहता है कि ऐसा शायद इसलिए है क्योंकि पुराने ज़माने में पुरुषों का काम शिकार करना और खाना लाना था, इसलिए वे समस्याएँ सुलझाने पर ध्यान देते थे, जबकि महिलाओं का काम बच्चों की देखभाल करना और लोगों को जोड़ना था। समाज भी इन बातों को और बढ़ावा देता है। बचपन से ही लड़कों को मजबूत और आत्मनिर्भर बनने के लिए कहा जाता है, जबकि लड़कियों को दूसरों का ध्यान रखने और प्यार जताने के लिए कहा जाता है।
"मिस्टर फिक्स-इट" वाली गलती: ऐसे समाधान जो घुटन पैदा करते हैं
सोचिए, आपका साथी घर आता है और बताता है कि उसका बॉस बहुत परेशान कर रहा है। मंगल ग्रह वाला इंसान, समस्या सुलझाने की कोशिश में, तुरंत कहेगा, "तुम कोई और नौकरी क्यों नहीं देख लेते?" या "तुम्हें सब कुछ लिख लेना चाहिए और एचआर को बता देना चाहिए।" भले ही उसकी नीयत अच्छी हो, लेकिन इससे शुक्र ग्रह वाले इंसान को लग सकता है कि उसकी बात नहीं सुनी जा रही है। उसे लग सकता है, "तुम सोचते हो कि मैं खुद कुछ नहीं कर सकती," या "तुम्हें मेरी भावनाओं की कोई परवाह नहीं है।"
शुक्र ग्रह वाली महिला बस चाहती है कि उसकी बात सुनी जाए, उसे समझा जाए और उसकी भावनाओं को अहमियत दी जाए। उसे समाधान नहीं, सहानुभूति चाहिए।
"घर सुधार समिति" वाली गलती: बिना मांगे सलाह देना और यह महसूस कराना कि आप कभी "काफ़ी" नहीं हैं
इसके उलट, शुक्र ग्रह वाली महिला, प्यार और परवाह में, अक्सर अपने मंगल ग्रह वाले साथी को "सुधारने" की कोशिश करती है। वह उसकी खाने की आदतों, कपड़ों या बात करने के तरीके पर बिना मांगे सलाह दे सकती है। इस तरह लगातार सलाह देने से मंगल ग्रह वाले इंसान को लग सकता है कि उसे नियंत्रित किया जा रहा है, वह किसी काम का नहीं है और उसे प्यार नहीं किया जाता। उसे लगता है कि वह जैसा है, वैसा काफ़ी नहीं है।
एक और कहानी: मोज़े की दराज
मेरे पड़ोसी, टॉम, एक असली मंगल ग्रह वाले इंसान हैं। उनकी पत्नी, एमिली, जो पूरी तरह से शुक्र ग्रह वाली हैं, हमेशा उनकी मोज़े की दराज को फिर से जमाती रहती हैं और उन्हें ज़्यादा व्यवस्थित रहने के "उपयोगी" तरीके बताती रहती हैं। टॉम आखिरकार फट पड़ा, "मुझे अकेला छोड़ दो! मैं अपने मोज़े खुद ढूंढ सकता हूँ!" एमिली की नीयत अच्छी थी – वह उसकी ज़िंदगी आसान बनाना चाहती थी – लेकिन टॉम को लगा कि वह उसे नियंत्रित कर रही है और उसे कमज़ोर बना रही है।
ध्यान दें: यह हमेशा बुरा नहीं होता
यह समझना ज़रूरी है कि न तो "मिस्टर फिक्स-इट" और न ही "घर सुधार समिति" हमेशा बुरे होते हैं। कभी-कभी, एक महिला सच में चाहती है कि पुरुष उसकी समस्या सुलझाने में मदद करे। और कभी-कभी, एक पुरुष अपने साथी से सलाह लेने के लिए तैयार होता है। ज़रूरी बात है सही समय और तरीका।
दूसरे ग्रहों के बीच तालमेल: मंगल और शुक्र के लिए काम आने वाले तरीके
तो, हम इन मंगल ग्रह और शुक्र ग्रह वाली बातों को कैसे संभालें और एक ऐसा रिश्ता कैसे बनाएँ जहाँ दोनों साथियों को लगे कि उनकी बात सुनी जा रही है, उन्हें अहमियत दी जा रही है और उनसे प्यार किया जा रहा है?
मंगल ग्रह वालों (पुरुषों) के लिए: सहानुभूति से सुनने की कला सीखें
ध्यान से सुनना ज़रूरी है: अपना फोन नीचे रखें, आँखों में आँखें डालकर देखें और सच में सुनें कि आपका साथी क्या कह रहा है।
उसकी भावनाओं को समझें: बिना किसी फैसले के उसकी भावनाओं को स्वीकार करें। ऐसा कहने की कोशिश करें, "यह बहुत निराशाजनक लग रहा है," या "मैं समझ सकता हूँ कि तुम क्यों परेशान हो।"
सवाल पूछकर स्पष्ट करें: सवाल पूछकर दिखाएँ कि आप सच में जानना चाहते हैं, जैसे, "क्या तुम मुझे इसके बारे में और बता सकती हो?" या "तुम्हें कैसा महसूस हुआ?"
समाधान नहीं, मदद की पेशकश करें (जब तक कि पूछा न जाए): तुरंत समाधान बताने की इच्छा को रोकें। इसके बजाय, यह कहकर मदद की पेशकश करें, "मैं तुम्हारे साथ हूँ। मैं तुम्हारी कैसे मदद कर सकता हूँ?" या इससे भी बेहतर, "क्या तुम समाधान के बारे में सोचना चाहती हो, या तुम्हें बस मेरी बात सुनने की ज़रूरत है?"
वाक्य की शुरुआत:
"जान, ऐसा लग रहा है कि तुम्हारा दिन बहुत बुरा था। अगर तुम बात करना चाहती हो तो मैं सुनने के लिए यहाँ हूँ। क्या तुम्हें समाधान के लिए मेरी मदद चाहिए, या तुम चाहती हो कि मैं बस सुनूँ?"
"मैं देख सकता हूँ कि इससे तुम बहुत परेशान हो। मैं बिना किसी फैसले के सुनने के लिए यहाँ हूँ।"
शुक्र ग्रह वालों (महिलाओं) के लिए: स्वीकार करने और प्यार से कहने की ताकत
बिना मांगे सलाह देने से बचें: लगातार सलाह या आलोचना करने की इच्छा को रोकें।
स्वीकार करने पर ध्यान दें: अपने साथी को उसकी कमियों और खूबियों के साथ स्वीकार करें।
मांग करें, हुक्म नहीं: अपनी सलाह को सकारात्मक तरीके से और अपनी ज़रूरतों के हिसाब से पेश करें।
"मुझे लगता है" वाले वाक्य का इस्तेमाल करें: अपने साथी पर दोष लगाए बिना अपनी भावनाओं को व्यक्त करें। उदाहरण के लिए, "तुम कभी बर्तन धोने में मदद नहीं करते" कहने के बजाय, "जान, जब बर्तन ढेर हो जाते हैं तो मुझे बहुत बोझ लगता है। अगर तुम आज रात बर्तन धो दो तो मेरी बहुत मदद होगी।"
वाक्य की शुरुआत:
"मैंने देखा है कि तुम आजकल तनाव में लग रहे हो। क्या तुम मेरे कुछ विचार सुनना चाहोगे, या तुम चाहते हो कि मैं तुम्हें अकेला छोड़ दूँ?"
"जब तुम [कोई खास काम] करते हो तो मुझे बहुत प्यार और सहारा महसूस होता है। क्या तुम इसे और ज़्यादा करने के लिए तैयार हो?"
तुरंत ठीक करने के अलावा: लंबे समय तक काम आने वाली रणनीति
सुनने के लिए समय निकालें: हर हफ्ते बिना किसी रुकावट के बातचीत करने के लिए समय निकालें।
बातचीत के नियम: बातचीत के नियम बनाएँ, जैसे कि कोई बीच में नहीं बोलेगा, ध्यान से सुनेगा और एक-दूसरे की भावनाओं को समझेगा।
पेशेवर सलाह लें: अगर आपको ठीक से बात करने में परेशानी हो रही है, तो पेशेवर सलाह लेने पर विचार करें।
आम रुकावटों को दूर करना:
अगर मंगल ग्रह वाला इंसान सच में समस्या को ठीक करना चाहता है तो क्या करें? पहले शुक्र ग्रह वाले इंसान की भावनाओं को समझें, फिर अगर वह चाहे तो समाधान बताएँ।
अगर शुक्र ग्रह वाले इंसान को लगे कि मंगल ग्रह वाला इंसान सुनने की कोशिश करने पर भी उसे अनदेखा कर रहा है तो क्या करें? मंगल ग्रह वाले इंसान को आँखों में आँखें डालकर, सिर हिलाकर और बोलकर दिखाना होगा कि वह सुन रहा है।
विरोध की जड़: छिपी हुई भावनाओं को समझना
यह समझना भी ज़रूरी है कि इसके पीछे क्या भावनाएँ हैं। जब एक महिला पुरुष के समाधान का विरोध करती है, तो पुरुष को अक्सर लगता है कि उसकी काबिलियत पर सवाल उठाया जा रहा है। उसे लगता है कि वह एक समस्या-समाधानकर्ता के रूप में अपनी मंगल ग्रह वाली भूमिका निभाने में नाकाम हो रहा है। जब एक पुरुष महिला के सुझावों का विरोध करता है, तो महिला को अक्सर लगता है कि उसे उसकी ज़रूरतों की परवाह नहीं है या वह उसकी राय को अहमियत नहीं देता है।
अभ्यास से सब ठीक होता है: दूसरे ग्रहों के बीच की दूरी को कम करना
एक मजबूत रिश्ता बनाने के लिए सोच-समझकर कोशिश और अभ्यास करना ज़रूरी है। पुरुषों को बिना समाधान बताए या उनकी भावनाओं को बदलने की कोशिश किए महिलाओं की बात ध्यान से सुनने का अभ्यास करना चाहिए। महिलाओं को बिना मांगे सलाह या आलोचना दिए बिना स्वीकार करने और प्यार से बात करने का अभ्यास करना चाहिए।
क्या आप मंगल ग्रह वाले हैं या शुक्र ग्रह वाले? क्विज़ खेलें!
जब आपका साथी परेशान होता है, तो आपकी पहली प्रतिक्रिया क्या होती है:
a) समाधान और व्यावहारिक सलाह देना।
b) सहानुभूति से सुनना और आराम देना।
आपको सबसे ज़्यादा प्यार कब महसूस होता है जब आपका साथी:
a) कुछ प्रभावशाली काम करता है।
b) अपनी भावनाओं को खुलकर व्यक्त करता है।
आपकी आदत है:
a) काम करने की क्षमता और नतीजों पर ध्यान देना।
b) रिश्तों को जोड़ना और उन्हें अहमियत देना।
(स्कोरिंग: ज़्यादातर A = मंगल ग्रह वाले; ज़्यादातर B = शुक्र ग्रह वाले)
आखिरी कहानी: अपनी भाषा ढूँढना
मुझे याद है एक समय था जब मैं और मेरा साथी हमेशा लड़ते रहते थे। मैं, रिश्ते में "मंगल ग्रह" होने के नाते, हमेशा उसकी समस्याओं को ठीक करने की कोशिश कर रहा था, जबकि वह, "शुक्र ग्रह" होने के नाते, बस चाहती कि मैं सुनूँ। जब हमने इन तरीकों का अभ्यास करना शुरू किया – मैंने ध्यान से सुनना और उसने प्यार से मेरी मदद मांगना – तभी हमने एक-दूसरे को सच में समझना शुरू किया।
मंगल ग्रह वालों और शुक्र ग्रह वालों के बीच इन बुनियादी अंतरों को समझकर, हम दूरी को कम करना, बेहतर तरीके से बात करना और मजबूत और ज़्यादा संतोषजनक रिश्ते बनाना शुरू कर सकते हैं। तो, क्या आप अपने औजार या घर सुधार की सूची को नीचे रखने और अपने साथी की बात सच में सुनने के लिए तैयार हैं? दूसरे ग्रहों के बीच तालमेल की यात्रा समझने से शुरू होती है।
अब आपकी बारी है! नीचे कमेंट में अपने अनुभव साझा करें। क्या आपने इन मंगल ग्रह और शुक्र ग्रह वाली बातों को अपने रिश्तों में देखा है? आपको कौन सी रणनीति मददगार लगी? आइए एक-दूसरे से सीखें!
Tags: Book Summary,Emotional Intelligence,Psychology,Behavioral Science,
Ever feel like you're navigating a relationship minefield, where even well-intentioned words detonate into arguments? Like you're speaking different languages despite sharing the same living space? You're definitely not alone. John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus brilliantly highlighted this common struggle: women feeling unheard and men feeling constantly criticized. The book introduced the now-famous concept that men and women often operate with fundamentally different communication styles and needs.
But just summarizing the book isn't enough. Let's dig deeper. What really fuels these "Martian" and "Venusian" tendencies, and how can we build bridges instead of walls? Is there any truth that men are from mars and women are from venus?
The Martian and Venusian Blueprint: Beyond the Surface
Gray's framework suggests men ("Martians") value power, efficiency, and achievement, while women ("Venusians") prioritize love, communication, and relationships. Martians solve problems independently, offering advice as a sign of respect. Venusians thrive on sharing feelings and see offering help as an act of caring.
A Personal Anecdote: The Case of the Leaky Faucet
I remember once, my friend Sarah was venting about a leaky faucet. Her husband, Mark, immediately launched into a detailed explanation of how to fix it, complete with diagrams and YouTube tutorials. Sarah's frustration boiled over. "I just wanted you to listen!" she exclaimed. Mark was genuinely trying to help, but his "Mr. Fix-It" approach completely missed the mark.
But Why This Divide? A Deeper Look
While Gray's analogy is helpful, let's go beyond the surface. Evolutionary psychology suggests that these tendencies might stem from ancestral roles: men as hunters/providers, focused on problem-solving, and women as caregivers, fostering connection and community. Societal conditioning further reinforces these patterns. From a young age, boys are often encouraged to be strong and independent, while girls are encouraged to be nurturing and empathetic.
The "Mr. Fix-It" Mistake: Solutions That Suffocate
Imagine your partner comes home stressed about a demanding boss. A Martian, driven by his problem-solving instincts, might immediately offer solutions: "Why don't you just look for another job?" or "You should document everything and report him to HR." While well-intentioned, this can feel invalidating to the Venusian. She might perceive it as, "You're not capable of handling this yourself," or "My feelings aren't important."
The Venusian primarily wants to be heard, understood, and validated. She's looking for empathy, not necessarily a solution.
The "Home-Improvement Committee" Mistake: Unsolicited Advice and the Feeling of Never Being "Enough"
Conversely, the Venusian, out of love and caring, often tries to "improve" her Martian partner. She might offer unsolicited advice on his eating habits, his wardrobe, or his communication style. This constant stream of suggestions can make the Martian feel controlled, incompetent, and unloved. He feels like he's not good enough as he is.
Another Anecdote: The Sock Drawer Saga
My neighbor, Tom, is a classic Martian. His wife, Emily, a Venusian through and through, constantly reorganized his sock drawer and offered "helpful" tips on how to be more organized. Tom finally exploded, "Just let me be! I can find my own socks!" Emily's intentions were good – she wanted to make his life easier – but her approach felt controlling and emasculating to Tom.
Nuance Alert: It's Not Always Bad
It's crucial to understand that neither "Mr. Fix-It" nor the "Home-Improvement Committee" is inherently bad. Sometimes, a woman does want a man's help in solving a problem. And sometimes, a man is open to suggestions from his partner. The key is timing and approach.
The Path to Interplanetary Harmony: Practical Tools for Mars and Venus
So, how do we navigate these Martian and Venusian tendencies and create a relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and loved?
For the Martians (Men): Mastering the Art of Empathetic Listening
Active Listening is Key: Put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly listen to what your partner is saying.
Validate Her Feelings: Acknowledge her emotions without judgment. Try saying things like, "That sounds incredibly frustrating," or "I can see why you're upset."
Ask Clarifying Questions: Show genuine interest by asking questions like, "Can you tell me more about that?" or "How did that make you feel?"
Offer Support, Not Solutions (Unless Asked): Resist the urge to immediately jump in with solutions. Instead, offer support by saying, "I'm here for you. How can I help?" Or better yet, "Do you want to brainstorm solutions, or do you just need me to listen?"
Sentence Starters:
"Honey, it sounds like you had a really tough day. I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it. Do you want my help with solutions, or would you prefer I just listen?"
"I can see that's really upsetting you. I'm here to listen without judgment."
For the Venusians (Women): The Power of Acceptance and Gentle Requests
Refrain from Unsolicited Advice: Resist the urge to constantly offer suggestions or criticism.
Focus on Acceptance: Appreciate your partner for who he is, flaws and all.
Make Requests, Not Demands: Frame your suggestions positively and in terms of your own needs.
Use "I Feel" Statements: Express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, instead of saying "You never help with the dishes," try "Honey, I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. It would really help me out if you could do them tonight."
Sentence Starters:
"I've noticed you seem stressed lately. Would you be open to hearing some ideas I have, or would you prefer I just give you space?"
"I feel really loved and supported when you [specific action]. Would you be willing to do that more often?"
Beyond Immediate Fixes: Long-Term Strategies
Dedicated Listening Time: Set aside dedicated time each week for uninterrupted conversation.
Communication Rules: Establish clear communication rules, such as no interrupting, active listening, and validating each other's feelings.
Seek Professional Counseling: If you're struggling to communicate effectively, consider seeking professional counseling.
Addressing Common Roadblocks:
What if the Martian really wants to fix the problem? Acknowledge the Venusian's feelings first, then offer solutions if she's open to them.
What if the Venusian feels ignored even when the Martian is trying to listen? The Martian needs to actively demonstrate that he's listening through eye contact, nodding, and verbal affirmations.
The Root of the Resistance: Understanding Underlying Feelings
It's also important to understand the underlying feelings at play. When a woman resists a man's solutions, he often feels like his competence is being questioned. He feels like he's failing to fulfill his Martian role as a problem-solver. When a man resists a woman's suggestions, she often feels like he doesn't care about her needs or that he doesn't value her opinion.
Practice Makes Perfect: Bridging the Interplanetary Gap
Building a strong relationship requires conscious effort and practice. Men should practice actively listening to women without offering solutions or trying to change their feelings. Women should practice restraining from giving unsolicited advice or criticism and instead focus on acceptance and loving communication.
Are You a Martian or a Venusian? Take the Quiz!
When your partner is upset, your first instinct is to:
a) Offer solutions and practical advice.
b) Listen empathetically and offer comfort.
You feel most loved when your partner:
a) Accomplishes something impressive.
b) Expresses their feelings openly.
You tend to:
a) Focus on efficiency and results.
b) Prioritize connection and relationships.
I remember a time when my partner and I were constantly clashing. I, being the "Martian" in the relationship, was always trying to fix her problems, while she, the "Venusian," just wanted me to listen. It wasn't until we started consciously practicing these techniques – me actively listening and him gently requesting my support – that we truly started to understand each other.
By understanding these fundamental differences between Martians and Venusians, we can begin to bridge the gap, communicate more effectively, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. So, are you ready to put down your toolbox or your home-improvement checklist and truly listen to your partner? The journey to interplanetary harmony starts with understanding.
Now it's your turn! Share your experiences in the comments below. Have you seen these Martian and Venusian dynamics play out in your own relationships? What strategies have you found helpful? Let's learn from each other!
Tags: Book Summary,Emotional Intelligence,Psychology,Behavioral Science,
