क्या आप अपने साथी की भाषा बोल रहे हैं?

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मंगल ग्रह और शुक्र ग्रह की कहानी:

क्या आपको कभी ऐसा लगता है कि आप एक ऐसे रिश्ते में हैं जहाँ हर बात पर झगड़ा होता है? जैसे आप एक ही घर में रहते हुए भी अलग-अलग भाषाएँ बोल रहे हैं? आप अकेले नहीं हैं। जॉन ग्रे की किताब पुरुष मंगल से हैं, महिलाएं शुक्र से ने इस आम समस्या को बहुत अच्छे से समझाया है: महिलाओं को लगता है कि उनकी बात कोई नहीं सुनता और पुरुषों को लगता है कि हर कोई उनकी आलोचना करता रहता है। किताब में यह बताया गया है कि पुरुष और महिलाएं अक्सर अलग-अलग तरीके से बात करते हैं और उनकी ज़रूरतें भी अलग होती हैं।

लेकिन सिर्फ़ किताब के बारे में बताना काफ़ी नहीं है। चलिए, गहराई में जाते हैं। क्या है जो पुरुषों को "मंगल ग्रह" और महिलाओं को "शुक्र ग्रह" बनाता है, और हम दीवारों की जगह पुल कैसे बना सकते हैं? क्या ये सच है कि पुरुष मंगल से और महिलाएं शुक्र से हैं?

मंगल ग्रह और शुक्र ग्रह: ऊपर-ऊपर से नहीं, अंदर तक समझिए

ग्रे का कहना है कि पुरुष ("मंगल ग्रह") ताकत, काम करने की क्षमता और सफलता को अहमियत देते हैं, जबकि महिलाएं ("शुक्र ग्रह") प्यार, बातचीत और रिश्तों को ज़्यादा ज़रूरी मानती हैं। मंगल ग्रह वाले लोग खुद ही समस्याएँ सुलझाते हैं और सलाह देना सम्मान की बात समझते हैं। शुक्र ग्रह वाली महिलाएं अपनी भावनाएँ बाँटने में खुश होती हैं और मदद करना प्यार जताना मानती हैं।

एक सच्ची कहानी: टपकता नल

मुझे याद है, एक बार मेरी दोस्त सारा एक टपकते नल के बारे में शिकायत कर रही थी। उसके पति, मार्क, ने तुरंत उसे ठीक करने का तरीका बताना शुरू कर दिया, यहाँ तक कि डायग्राम और यूट्यूब वीडियो भी दिखाए। सारा को गुस्सा आ गया। उसने कहा, "मैं तो बस चाहती थी कि तुम सुनो!" मार्क सच में मदद करना चाहता था, लेकिन उसका "मिस्टर फिक्स-इट" वाला तरीका बिल्कुल गलत था।

लेकिन ऐसा क्यों होता है? गहराई से देखिए

ग्रे की बात भले ही मददगार हो, लेकिन हमें और गहराई में जाना चाहिए। मनोविज्ञान कहता है कि ऐसा शायद इसलिए है क्योंकि पुराने ज़माने में पुरुषों का काम शिकार करना और खाना लाना था, इसलिए वे समस्याएँ सुलझाने पर ध्यान देते थे, जबकि महिलाओं का काम बच्चों की देखभाल करना और लोगों को जोड़ना था। समाज भी इन बातों को और बढ़ावा देता है। बचपन से ही लड़कों को मजबूत और आत्मनिर्भर बनने के लिए कहा जाता है, जबकि लड़कियों को दूसरों का ध्यान रखने और प्यार जताने के लिए कहा जाता है।

"मिस्टर फिक्स-इट" वाली गलती: ऐसे समाधान जो घुटन पैदा करते हैं

सोचिए, आपका साथी घर आता है और बताता है कि उसका बॉस बहुत परेशान कर रहा है। मंगल ग्रह वाला इंसान, समस्या सुलझाने की कोशिश में, तुरंत कहेगा, "तुम कोई और नौकरी क्यों नहीं देख लेते?" या "तुम्हें सब कुछ लिख लेना चाहिए और एचआर को बता देना चाहिए।" भले ही उसकी नीयत अच्छी हो, लेकिन इससे शुक्र ग्रह वाले इंसान को लग सकता है कि उसकी बात नहीं सुनी जा रही है। उसे लग सकता है, "तुम सोचते हो कि मैं खुद कुछ नहीं कर सकती," या "तुम्हें मेरी भावनाओं की कोई परवाह नहीं है।"

शुक्र ग्रह वाली महिला बस चाहती है कि उसकी बात सुनी जाए, उसे समझा जाए और उसकी भावनाओं को अहमियत दी जाए। उसे समाधान नहीं, सहानुभूति चाहिए।

"घर सुधार समिति" वाली गलती: बिना मांगे सलाह देना और यह महसूस कराना कि आप कभी "काफ़ी" नहीं हैं

इसके उलट, शुक्र ग्रह वाली महिला, प्यार और परवाह में, अक्सर अपने मंगल ग्रह वाले साथी को "सुधारने" की कोशिश करती है। वह उसकी खाने की आदतों, कपड़ों या बात करने के तरीके पर बिना मांगे सलाह दे सकती है। इस तरह लगातार सलाह देने से मंगल ग्रह वाले इंसान को लग सकता है कि उसे नियंत्रित किया जा रहा है, वह किसी काम का नहीं है और उसे प्यार नहीं किया जाता। उसे लगता है कि वह जैसा है, वैसा काफ़ी नहीं है।

एक और कहानी: मोज़े की दराज

मेरे पड़ोसी, टॉम, एक असली मंगल ग्रह वाले इंसान हैं। उनकी पत्नी, एमिली, जो पूरी तरह से शुक्र ग्रह वाली हैं, हमेशा उनकी मोज़े की दराज को फिर से जमाती रहती हैं और उन्हें ज़्यादा व्यवस्थित रहने के "उपयोगी" तरीके बताती रहती हैं। टॉम आखिरकार फट पड़ा, "मुझे अकेला छोड़ दो! मैं अपने मोज़े खुद ढूंढ सकता हूँ!" एमिली की नीयत अच्छी थी – वह उसकी ज़िंदगी आसान बनाना चाहती थी – लेकिन टॉम को लगा कि वह उसे नियंत्रित कर रही है और उसे कमज़ोर बना रही है।

ध्यान दें: यह हमेशा बुरा नहीं होता

यह समझना ज़रूरी है कि न तो "मिस्टर फिक्स-इट" और न ही "घर सुधार समिति" हमेशा बुरे होते हैं। कभी-कभी, एक महिला सच में चाहती है कि पुरुष उसकी समस्या सुलझाने में मदद करे। और कभी-कभी, एक पुरुष अपने साथी से सलाह लेने के लिए तैयार होता है। ज़रूरी बात है सही समय और तरीका।

दूसरे ग्रहों के बीच तालमेल: मंगल और शुक्र के लिए काम आने वाले तरीके

तो, हम इन मंगल ग्रह और शुक्र ग्रह वाली बातों को कैसे संभालें और एक ऐसा रिश्ता कैसे बनाएँ जहाँ दोनों साथियों को लगे कि उनकी बात सुनी जा रही है, उन्हें अहमियत दी जा रही है और उनसे प्यार किया जा रहा है?

• मंगल ग्रह वालों (पुरुषों) के लिए: सहानुभूति से सुनने की कला सीखें

  • ध्यान से सुनना ज़रूरी है: अपना फोन नीचे रखें, आँखों में आँखें डालकर देखें और सच में सुनें कि आपका साथी क्या कह रहा है।
  • उसकी भावनाओं को समझें: बिना किसी फैसले के उसकी भावनाओं को स्वीकार करें। ऐसा कहने की कोशिश करें, "यह बहुत निराशाजनक लग रहा है," या "मैं समझ सकता हूँ कि तुम क्यों परेशान हो।"
  • सवाल पूछकर स्पष्ट करें: सवाल पूछकर दिखाएँ कि आप सच में जानना चाहते हैं, जैसे, "क्या तुम मुझे इसके बारे में और बता सकती हो?" या "तुम्हें कैसा महसूस हुआ?"
  • समाधान नहीं, मदद की पेशकश करें (जब तक कि पूछा न जाए): तुरंत समाधान बताने की इच्छा को रोकें। इसके बजाय, यह कहकर मदद की पेशकश करें, "मैं तुम्हारे साथ हूँ। मैं तुम्हारी कैसे मदद कर सकता हूँ?" या इससे भी बेहतर, "क्या तुम समाधान के बारे में सोचना चाहती हो, या तुम्हें बस मेरी बात सुनने की ज़रूरत है?"
  • वाक्य की शुरुआत:
    • "जान, ऐसा लग रहा है कि तुम्हारा दिन बहुत बुरा था। अगर तुम बात करना चाहती हो तो मैं सुनने के लिए यहाँ हूँ। क्या तुम्हें समाधान के लिए मेरी मदद चाहिए, या तुम चाहती हो कि मैं बस सुनूँ?"
    • "मैं देख सकता हूँ कि इससे तुम बहुत परेशान हो। मैं बिना किसी फैसले के सुनने के लिए यहाँ हूँ।"

  • शुक्र ग्रह वालों (महिलाओं) के लिए: स्वीकार करने और प्यार से कहने की ताकत

  • बिना मांगे सलाह देने से बचें: लगातार सलाह या आलोचना करने की इच्छा को रोकें।

  • स्वीकार करने पर ध्यान दें: अपने साथी को उसकी कमियों और खूबियों के साथ स्वीकार करें।
  • मांग करें, हुक्म नहीं: अपनी सलाह को सकारात्मक तरीके से और अपनी ज़रूरतों के हिसाब से पेश करें।
  • "मुझे लगता है" वाले वाक्य का इस्तेमाल करें: अपने साथी पर दोष लगाए बिना अपनी भावनाओं को व्यक्त करें। उदाहरण के लिए, "तुम कभी बर्तन धोने में मदद नहीं करते" कहने के बजाय, "जान, जब बर्तन ढेर हो जाते हैं तो मुझे बहुत बोझ लगता है। अगर तुम आज रात बर्तन धो दो तो मेरी बहुत मदद होगी।"
  • वाक्य की शुरुआत:
    • "मैंने देखा है कि तुम आजकल तनाव में लग रहे हो। क्या तुम मेरे कुछ विचार सुनना चाहोगे, या तुम चाहते हो कि मैं तुम्हें अकेला छोड़ दूँ?"
    • "जब तुम [कोई खास काम] करते हो तो मुझे बहुत प्यार और सहारा महसूस होता है। क्या तुम इसे और ज़्यादा करने के लिए तैयार हो?"

तुरंत ठीक करने के अलावा: लंबे समय तक काम आने वाली रणनीति

• सुनने के लिए समय निकालें: हर हफ्ते बिना किसी रुकावट के बातचीत करने के लिए समय निकालें।
• बातचीत के नियम: बातचीत के नियम बनाएँ, जैसे कि कोई बीच में नहीं बोलेगा, ध्यान से सुनेगा और एक-दूसरे की भावनाओं को समझेगा।
• पेशेवर सलाह लें: अगर आपको ठीक से बात करने में परेशानी हो रही है, तो पेशेवर सलाह लेने पर विचार करें।

आम रुकावटों को दूर करना:

• अगर मंगल ग्रह वाला इंसान सच में समस्या को ठीक करना चाहता है तो क्या करें? पहले शुक्र ग्रह वाले इंसान की भावनाओं को समझें, फिर अगर वह चाहे तो समाधान बताएँ।
• अगर शुक्र ग्रह वाले इंसान को लगे कि मंगल ग्रह वाला इंसान सुनने की कोशिश करने पर भी उसे अनदेखा कर रहा है तो क्या करें? मंगल ग्रह वाले इंसान को आँखों में आँखें डालकर, सिर हिलाकर और बोलकर दिखाना होगा कि वह सुन रहा है।

विरोध की जड़: छिपी हुई भावनाओं को समझना

यह समझना भी ज़रूरी है कि इसके पीछे क्या भावनाएँ हैं। जब एक महिला पुरुष के समाधान का विरोध करती है, तो पुरुष को अक्सर लगता है कि उसकी काबिलियत पर सवाल उठाया जा रहा है। उसे लगता है कि वह एक समस्या-समाधानकर्ता के रूप में अपनी मंगल ग्रह वाली भूमिका निभाने में नाकाम हो रहा है। जब एक पुरुष महिला के सुझावों का विरोध करता है, तो महिला को अक्सर लगता है कि उसे उसकी ज़रूरतों की परवाह नहीं है या वह उसकी राय को अहमियत नहीं देता है।

अभ्यास से सब ठीक होता है: दूसरे ग्रहों के बीच की दूरी को कम करना

एक मजबूत रिश्ता बनाने के लिए सोच-समझकर कोशिश और अभ्यास करना ज़रूरी है। पुरुषों को बिना समाधान बताए या उनकी भावनाओं को बदलने की कोशिश किए महिलाओं की बात ध्यान से सुनने का अभ्यास करना चाहिए। महिलाओं को बिना मांगे सलाह या आलोचना दिए बिना स्वीकार करने और प्यार से बात करने का अभ्यास करना चाहिए।

क्या आप मंगल ग्रह वाले हैं या शुक्र ग्रह वाले? क्विज़ खेलें!

1. जब आपका साथी परेशान होता है, तो आपकी पहली प्रतिक्रिया क्या होती है:
   a) समाधान और व्यावहारिक सलाह देना।
   b) सहानुभूति से सुनना और आराम देना।
2. आपको सबसे ज़्यादा प्यार कब महसूस होता है जब आपका साथी:
   a) कुछ प्रभावशाली काम करता है।
   b) अपनी भावनाओं को खुलकर व्यक्त करता है।
3. आपकी आदत है:
   a) काम करने की क्षमता और नतीजों पर ध्यान देना।
   b) रिश्तों को जोड़ना और उन्हें अहमियत देना।

(स्कोरिंग: ज़्यादातर A = मंगल ग्रह वाले; ज़्यादातर B = शुक्र ग्रह वाले)

आखिरी कहानी: अपनी भाषा ढूँढना

मुझे याद है एक समय था जब मैं और मेरा साथी हमेशा लड़ते रहते थे। मैं, रिश्ते में "मंगल ग्रह" होने के नाते, हमेशा उसकी समस्याओं को ठीक करने की कोशिश कर रहा था, जबकि वह, "शुक्र ग्रह" होने के नाते, बस चाहती कि मैं सुनूँ। जब हमने इन तरीकों का अभ्यास करना शुरू किया – मैंने ध्यान से सुनना और उसने प्यार से मेरी मदद मांगना – तभी हमने एक-दूसरे को सच में समझना शुरू किया।

मंगल ग्रह वालों और शुक्र ग्रह वालों के बीच इन बुनियादी अंतरों को समझकर, हम दूरी को कम करना, बेहतर तरीके से बात करना और मजबूत और ज़्यादा संतोषजनक रिश्ते बनाना शुरू कर सकते हैं। तो, क्या आप अपने औजार या घर सुधार की सूची को नीचे रखने और अपने साथी की बात सच में सुनने के लिए तैयार हैं? दूसरे ग्रहों के बीच तालमेल की यात्रा समझने से शुरू होती है।

अब आपकी बारी है! नीचे कमेंट में अपने अनुभव साझा करें। क्या आपने इन मंगल ग्रह और शुक्र ग्रह वाली बातों को अपने रिश्तों में देखा है? आपको कौन सी रणनीति मददगार लगी? आइए एक-दूसरे से सीखें!

Tags: Book Summary,Emotional Intelligence,Psychology,Behavioral Science,

Martian-Venusian Divide - Are You Speaking Your Partner's Language? (CH2 from Men are from Mars, Women from Venus)

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Ever feel like you're navigating a relationship minefield, where even well-intentioned words detonate into arguments? Like you're speaking different languages despite sharing the same living space? You're definitely not alone. John Gray's Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus brilliantly highlighted this common struggle: women feeling unheard and men feeling constantly criticized. The book introduced the now-famous concept that men and women often operate with fundamentally different communication styles and needs.

But just summarizing the book isn't enough. Let's dig deeper. What really fuels these "Martian" and "Venusian" tendencies, and how can we build bridges instead of walls? Is there any truth that men are from mars and women are from venus?

The Martian and Venusian Blueprint: Beyond the Surface

Gray's framework suggests men ("Martians") value power, efficiency, and achievement, while women ("Venusians") prioritize love, communication, and relationships. Martians solve problems independently, offering advice as a sign of respect. Venusians thrive on sharing feelings and see offering help as an act of caring.

A Personal Anecdote: The Case of the Leaky Faucet

I remember once, my friend Sarah was venting about a leaky faucet. Her husband, Mark, immediately launched into a detailed explanation of how to fix it, complete with diagrams and YouTube tutorials. Sarah's frustration boiled over. "I just wanted you to listen!" she exclaimed. Mark was genuinely trying to help, but his "Mr. Fix-It" approach completely missed the mark.

But Why This Divide? A Deeper Look

While Gray's analogy is helpful, let's go beyond the surface. Evolutionary psychology suggests that these tendencies might stem from ancestral roles: men as hunters/providers, focused on problem-solving, and women as caregivers, fostering connection and community. Societal conditioning further reinforces these patterns. From a young age, boys are often encouraged to be strong and independent, while girls are encouraged to be nurturing and empathetic.

The "Mr. Fix-It" Mistake: Solutions That Suffocate

Imagine your partner comes home stressed about a demanding boss. A Martian, driven by his problem-solving instincts, might immediately offer solutions: "Why don't you just look for another job?" or "You should document everything and report him to HR." While well-intentioned, this can feel invalidating to the Venusian. She might perceive it as, "You're not capable of handling this yourself," or "My feelings aren't important."

The Venusian primarily wants to be heard, understood, and validated. She's looking for empathy, not necessarily a solution.

The "Home-Improvement Committee" Mistake: Unsolicited Advice and the Feeling of Never Being "Enough"

Conversely, the Venusian, out of love and caring, often tries to "improve" her Martian partner. She might offer unsolicited advice on his eating habits, his wardrobe, or his communication style. This constant stream of suggestions can make the Martian feel controlled, incompetent, and unloved. He feels like he's not good enough as he is.

Another Anecdote: The Sock Drawer Saga

My neighbor, Tom, is a classic Martian. His wife, Emily, a Venusian through and through, constantly reorganized his sock drawer and offered "helpful" tips on how to be more organized. Tom finally exploded, "Just let me be! I can find my own socks!" Emily's intentions were good – she wanted to make his life easier – but her approach felt controlling and emasculating to Tom.

Nuance Alert: It's Not Always Bad

It's crucial to understand that neither "Mr. Fix-It" nor the "Home-Improvement Committee" is inherently bad. Sometimes, a woman does want a man's help in solving a problem. And sometimes, a man is open to suggestions from his partner. The key is timing and approach.

The Path to Interplanetary Harmony: Practical Tools for Mars and Venus

So, how do we navigate these Martian and Venusian tendencies and create a relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and loved?

• For the Martians (Men): Mastering the Art of Empathetic Listening

  • Active Listening is Key: Put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly listen to what your partner is saying.
  • Validate Her Feelings: Acknowledge her emotions without judgment. Try saying things like, "That sounds incredibly frustrating," or "I can see why you're upset."
  • Ask Clarifying Questions: Show genuine interest by asking questions like, "Can you tell me more about that?" or "How did that make you feel?"
  • Offer Support, Not Solutions (Unless Asked): Resist the urge to immediately jump in with solutions. Instead, offer support by saying, "I'm here for you. How can I help?" Or better yet, "Do you want to brainstorm solutions, or do you just need me to listen?"
  • Sentence Starters:
    • "Honey, it sounds like you had a really tough day. I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it. Do you want my help with solutions, or would you prefer I just listen?"
    • "I can see that's really upsetting you. I'm here to listen without judgment."

  • For the Venusians (Women): The Power of Acceptance and Gentle Requests

  • Refrain from Unsolicited Advice: Resist the urge to constantly offer suggestions or criticism.

  • Focus on Acceptance: Appreciate your partner for who he is, flaws and all.
  • Make Requests, Not Demands: Frame your suggestions positively and in terms of your own needs.
  • Use "I Feel" Statements: Express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, instead of saying "You never help with the dishes," try "Honey, I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. It would really help me out if you could do them tonight."
  • Sentence Starters:
    • "I've noticed you seem stressed lately. Would you be open to hearing some ideas I have, or would you prefer I just give you space?"
    • "I feel really loved and supported when you [specific action]. Would you be willing to do that more often?"

Beyond Immediate Fixes: Long-Term Strategies

• Dedicated Listening Time: Set aside dedicated time each week for uninterrupted conversation.
• Communication Rules: Establish clear communication rules, such as no interrupting, active listening, and validating each other's feelings.
• Seek Professional Counseling: If you're struggling to communicate effectively, consider seeking professional counseling.

Addressing Common Roadblocks:

• What if the Martian really wants to fix the problem? Acknowledge the Venusian's feelings first, then offer solutions if she's open to them.
• What if the Venusian feels ignored even when the Martian is trying to listen? The Martian needs to actively demonstrate that he's listening through eye contact, nodding, and verbal affirmations.

The Root of the Resistance: Understanding Underlying Feelings

It's also important to understand the underlying feelings at play. When a woman resists a man's solutions, he often feels like his competence is being questioned. He feels like he's failing to fulfill his Martian role as a problem-solver. When a man resists a woman's suggestions, she often feels like he doesn't care about her needs or that he doesn't value her opinion.

Practice Makes Perfect: Bridging the Interplanetary Gap

Building a strong relationship requires conscious effort and practice. Men should practice actively listening to women without offering solutions or trying to change their feelings. Women should practice restraining from giving unsolicited advice or criticism and instead focus on acceptance and loving communication.

Are You a Martian or a Venusian? Take the Quiz!

1. When your partner is upset, your first instinct is to: a) Offer solutions and practical advice. b) Listen empathetically and offer comfort.
2. You feel most loved when your partner: a) Accomplishes something impressive. b) Expresses their feelings openly.
3. You tend to: a) Focus on efficiency and results. b) Prioritize connection and relationships.

(Scoring: Mostly A's = Martian; Mostly B's = Venusian)

A Final Anecdote: Finding Our Shared Language

I remember a time when my partner and I were constantly clashing. I, being the "Martian" in the relationship, was always trying to fix her problems, while she, the "Venusian," just wanted me to listen. It wasn't until we started consciously practicing these techniques – me actively listening and him gently requesting my support – that we truly started to understand each other.

By understanding these fundamental differences between Martians and Venusians, we can begin to bridge the gap, communicate more effectively, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. So, are you ready to put down your toolbox or your home-improvement checklist and truly listen to your partner? The journey to interplanetary harmony starts with understanding.

Now it's your turn! Share your experiences in the comments below. Have you seen these Martian and Venusian dynamics play out in your own relationships? What strategies have you found helpful? Let's learn from each other!

Tags: Book Summary,Emotional Intelligence,Psychology,Behavioral Science,

The Mental Modules That Run Your Life (from the book 'Why Buddhism is True')

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Ch 7: The Mental Modules That Run Your Life

This chapter explores how our minds are governed by a series of mental modules, each associated with different feelings and goals, and how this relates to the Buddhist concept of "no-self." Here are the key takeaways:

• Our "intertemporal utility function" (willingness to delay gratification) isn't fixed; it can change based on circumstances. For example, men's willingness to delay gratification decreases when shown pictures of attractive women.

• The mind can be viewed as a collection of modules, or "subselves," that take turns being in charge. Which module is activated depends on the situation and the associated feelings. A scary movie can activate the "self-protection" module, while a romantic movie activates the "mate-acquisition" module.

• Feelings trigger modules. They are the driving force behind which module takes control of our consciousness and, consequently, our behavior.

• Jealousy is a prime example of a powerful feeling activating a specific module. It can drastically alter a person's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

• The "mate-acquisition" module can influence various aspects of behavior, including time discounting and career aspirations. Men in the presence of women may become more focused on accumulating wealth, even if they aren't consciously aware of this shift.

• Modules can be triggered without conscious awareness. We may not realize why we're behaving a certain way, as the underlying module's influence is often subconscious.

• The concept of "no-self" in Buddhism is supported by the modular view of the mind. If our preferences and behaviors change from moment to moment depending on which module is active, then what exactly constitutes the unchanging "self"?

• Modules can create illusions. For example, the self-protection module can lead to exaggerating perceived threats, and the mate-acquisition module can lead to self-inflation and deflating rivals.

• Mindfulness meditation can help us gain control over which modules influence us by changing our relationship to feelings. By observing feelings mindfully, we can lessen their power to dictate our thoughts and actions.

***

Conclusion

Ever feel like your brain is a wild party with a bunch of mini CEOs bickering for control? That’s because it is! Our mind isn’t run by one “self”—it’s a crazy mix of mental modules that switch gears faster than you can say “self-control.” One minute, your mate-acquisition module is shouting “Grab that opportunity now!” and the next, your self-protection module is hunkering down, all thanks to the powerful push and pull of your feelings. Even the Buddha knew the secret: clinging to one unchanging self is a total illusion. Instead, he taught us to chill, observe the chaos, and let mindfulness meditation help us step back from the madness. So next time you cave to that chocolate bar or dive into a dating frenzy, just remember—it’s not really you making the call, it’s your brain’s rambunctious inner committee throwing a party!

Ch 8: How Thoughts Think Themselves

This chapter explores the connection between Vipassana meditation, the modular model of the mind, and the nature of thoughts and feelings. Here are the key takeaways:

• Mindfulness meditation (Vipassana) can provide insights into the workings of your own mind. While not scientific data, these insights can be validated by existing psychological models.

• The modular model of the mind suggests that different modules compete for conscious awareness. Mind-wandering during meditation can be seen as these modules vying for control.

• Thoughts that pull you away from focusing on your breath often relate to past/future, involve the self, and concern other people. This aligns with the functions of the default mode network and the theory of mind network.

• Thoughts don't "think themselves"; modules generate them. The conscious self receives thoughts, rather than creating them. Meditation can help you see this process of thoughts "bubbling up" into consciousness.

• Identifying with thoughts is a habit, not an inherent trait. Through meditation, you can learn to observe thoughts with detachment, like watching a movie, rather than getting caught up in their drama.

• Feelings are the "propellant" of thoughts. The strength of the feeling attached to a thought influences its ability to enter conscious awareness. Feelings act as labels of priority for thoughts.

• Thoughts and feelings are deeply intertwined. This connection is crucial for understanding both the nature of perception and the dynamics of self-control, which will be explored in later chapters. Advanced meditators are better able to perceive the subtle feelings attached to thoughts, allowing them to observe thoughts with greater detachment.

***

Conclusion

Ever notice how your thoughts seem to pop up like they have a life of their own? Welcome to Vipassana—meditation for the inner psychologist! While Zen inspires poets and Tibetan sparks artists, mindfulness meditation lets you sit on a cushion, focus on your breath, and watch your brain throw a wild, unplanned party. Your mind’s like a quirky game show where different modules compete for airtime, and feelings act as turbo-chargers, pushing thoughts onto the stage. Instead of being the boss of your thoughts, you’re just an amused spectator watching them "think themselves." Embrace the chaos, laugh at the mental circus, and enjoy the show—because sometimes, the best control is realizing you’re not really in control at all!

Ch 9: “Self” Control

This chapter argues that feelings, not reason, ultimately drive our decisions and actions, and that mindfulness meditation can help us gain control over these feelings. Here are the key takeaways:

• Hume was right: "Reason is the slave of the passions (feelings). Even seemingly rational decisions, like buying something, are ultimately driven by a contest of feelings (attraction vs. aversion). Reason's role is to inform these feelings, not to override them.

• Feelings are the original motivators, rooted in evolutionary needs. They guide us toward things that benefit survival and reproduction. As we evolved, feelings became associated with more complex social goals, like making friends and gaining respect.

• The prefrontal cortex isn't a rational "charioteer" controlling unruly passions. It's more like a tool used by feelings. Self-control struggles are clashes between competing feelings (e.g., the desire for chocolate vs. the desire for long-term health).

• There isn't a separate "rational self" making decisions. Different modules with different goals compete for dominance, and the "winning" module is the one associated with the strongest feeling. Consciousness observes this debate so we can provide socially acceptable rationales for our actions.

• Self-discipline isn't a muscle that weakens with disuse. It's more like modules getting stronger through repeated success (and associated gratification). This explains why addictions are so powerful: the modules associated with the addictive behavior get reinforced with each indulgence.

• Mindfulness meditation can help weaken dominant modules by depriving them of reinforcement. Instead of fighting urges, you observe them mindfully, creating distance and reducing their power. This "starves" the urge, like not feeding a stray cat. The RAIN technique (Recognize, Accept, Investigate, Non-identify) is a helpful tool.

• Problems like a short attention span or hatred can also be seen as self-control issues. Mindfulness can be applied to these by observing the underlying feelings and thus weakening the impulses they generate.

• Mindfulness meditation empowers "calm passions" over "violent passions," leading to a greater appreciation of everyday life. It blurs the lines between therapy, moral edification, and spiritual uplift by addressing the root of these problems: being misled by feelings.

***

Conclusion

Ever wonder why you can’t resist that chocolate bar even when you know it’s a bad idea? Blame old Hume—he famously said our reason is just a servant to our feelings. Modern brain scans back him up: our decisions are like a tug-of-war between parts of our brain that cheer for pleasure (hello, chocolate cravings) and those that warn of pain. Imagine your mind as a bunch of rowdy little party animals fighting for control. Then along comes mindfulness, acting like a chill bouncer that watches your urges without feeding them—kind of like ignoring a stray cat at your door. Suddenly, those cravings lose their mojo, and you get to say, “Sure, I’m in charge…sort of!”

Tags: Book Summary,Buddhism,Psychology,Emotional Intelligence,

Bliss, Ecstasy, and More Important Reasons to Meditate (from the book 'Why We Meditate')

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Ch 4: Bliss, Ecstasy, and the Path to Mindful Insight

Key Takeaways

• Awareness of wandering mind = progress: Noticing distractions during meditation is foundational, disrupting the brain’s default mode network (active during mind-wandering).

• Default mode network: Governs past/future thinking; quieting it through focus (e.g., breath) fosters present-moment awareness and inner peace.

• Two meditation paths:

  • Concentration: Deep focus (e.g., breath, mantra) induces serenity, even bliss/ecstasy.

  • Mindfulness (Vipassana): Observes thoughts/feelings without attachment, aiming for insight into reality’s nature.

• Mindfulness benefits: Reduces emotional reactivity, enhances appreciation of beauty, and trains non-judgmental awareness in daily life (e.g., less road rage, savoring moments).

• Retreat dynamics: Silence and seclusion amplify self-confrontation (“extreme sports for the mind”) but foster clarity and perspective shifts.

• Enlightenment’s three marks:

  1. Impermanence: All things change.

  2. Dukkha: Suffering/unsatisfactoriness.

  3. Not-self (anatta): No permanent, controlling “self” exists.

• Vipassana’s goal: Insight into reality’s truths, not fleeting bliss. As the teacher advised: “Don’t get attached” to peak experiences.

• Enlightenment as gradual: Achieved through incremental insight, not sudden revelation. Mindfulness reveals “building blocks” of liberation from suffering.

• Practical takeaway: Daily mindfulness cultivates resilience, presence, and a path to profound self-transformation.

Mindfulness is the means; liberation is the end.

***

Conclusion

Ever been on a “silent” retreat where silence isn’t the whole story? Back in 2003, I tried meditating for a week, but my mind was bouncing around like a hyperactive puppy chasing squirrels! When I finally vented about my runaway thoughts, my teacher cheerfully said, “Great—you noticed it!” That simple “aha” moment taught me to snap back to my breath. Soon, I began treating my wandering mind like a clumsy friend—acknowledging its detours and then laughing them off. Meditation: where even your daydreams get a standing ovation. Embrace the chaos and let your mind wander—then bring it home!

Ch 5: The Alleged Nonexistence of Your Self

• Anatta (not-self) is a core Buddhist concept, suggesting the "self" as we perceive it doesn't truly exist.
• Understanding not-self can be challenging intellectually; experiential understanding through meditation is considered crucial.
• The belief in a fixed "self" is seen as the root of suffering, leading to attachment, craving, and ego.
• Experiencing not-self is a gradual process, with even small steps bringing benefits.
• The Buddha's "Discourse on the Not-Self" explores the five aggregates (body, feelings, perceptions, mental formations, consciousness) to demonstrate the absence of a controllable, permanent self.
• The Buddha links the concept of self to control and permanence, arguing that since these are absent in the aggregates, so is the self.
• The discourse paradoxically uses language of "I" and "you," leading to debate about whether the Buddha truly denied the self's existence or meant something more nuanced.
• Some interpretations suggest the Buddha focused on dis-identifying with the aggregates rather than denying a self altogether.
• The concept of "engagement" with the aggregates is introduced, suggesting liberation comes from changing this relationship.
• "Witness consciousness" is proposed as a possible aspect of self that remains after liberation.
• The chapter suggests focusing on the practical application of not-self, such as disowning unhelpful feelings and redefining the self.
• The idea of "taking charge by letting go" is explored, where dis-identifying with uncontrollable aspects of the self leads to liberation from them.
• The chapter acknowledges the difficulty and potential confusion around the concept of not-self, suggesting continued reflection and practice.
• The historical accuracy of the Buddha's teachings is questioned, acknowledging the evolution of Buddhist texts over time.

***

Conclusion

🧘‍♂️ "Not-Self" Explained (Without Your Head Exploding) 🧠💥

• Ajahn Chah warned: Trying to intellectually grasp "not-self" (anatta) might make your head explode. 💥 (Spoiler: It won’t… probably.)

• The Buddha’s mic-drop moment: "You’re not your body, feelings, thoughts, or consciousness. None of it is you." 🤯

• The paradox: If there’s no "self," who’s meditating? 🤔 (Buddhists: "It’s complicated…")

• The big idea: Letting go of "me" and "mine" = less suffering, more peace. 🌱

• Toothache hack: Meditators can disown pain. One guy skipped Novocain at the dentist. 🦷 (Not recommended for beginners.)

• Anxiety hack: Stop owning your anxiety. Watch it like a movie. 🎥 (Spoiler: It’s not yours.)

• The takeaway: You don’t have to fully get "not-self" to benefit. Start small—disown a thought, a feeling, or that annoying voice in your head. 🚀

TL;DR: You’re real… but not really real. Meditate on that. 🧘‍♀️✨

Ch 6: Your CEO Is MIA

• No Supreme Self: Buddha’s debate shows none of the five aggregates (form, feeling, etc.) are fully “yours”—no inner king calling the shots.
• CEO? More Like a Cheerleader: Modern psychology agrees: your conscious mind isn’t the all-powerful executive you think it is.
• Brain’s Storyteller: Split-brain experiments reveal that your brain improvises explanations for your actions—even if you didn’t consciously decide them.
• Delusions for Survival: We naturally inflate our abilities to seem coherent and trustworthy, a trick that helped our ancestors survive.
• Mind Jungle: Think of your mind as a competitive, modular free-for-all—no single part rules the roost.
• Power in Realization: Recognizing your self-delusion is the first step toward actually nudging your behavior.
• Meditation Magic: Meditation trains you to observe these inner modules, potentially turning your “speaker” into a real decision-maker.

***

Conclusion

Ever thought you were the CEO of your own brain? Well, Buddha once schooled a braggart by saying, “Your self isn’t really the king of your castle—it’s just a bunch of parts doing their own thing!” Modern science totally backs it up: your mind is like a wild, chaotic circus, where different brain modules throw a party and the left hemisphere even makes up silly stories to explain your actions. So next time you think you're in total control, remember: you're just watching the movie of your life while your brain runs the show. Embrace the chaos—after all, who needs to be the boss when you can be part of the fun?

Tags: Book Summary,Buddhism,Psychology,Emotional Intelligence,

Taking the Red Pill (Summary from 'Why Buddhism is True' Ch 1-3)

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Ch 1: Taking the Red Pill

"Escaping the Matrix of Delusion"

1. "The Matrix is Real: Humans live in a societal ‘simulation’—shaped by evolutionary illusions that prioritize survival over truth."

2. Pleasure’s Trap: Natural selection designed us to chase fleeting rewards (food, status, sex), leaving us on a hedonic treadmill of endless wanting.

3. Buddha’s Insight: Suffering (dukkha) stems from clinging to impermanent pleasures—true peace comes from letting go, not consuming more.

4. Mindfulness ≠ Roses: Ancient Buddhist practice confronts harsh truths (decay, mortality) to shatter illusions; modern “self-care” often softens the message.

5. Science Meets Spirit: Evolutionary psychology explains why we’re deluded; meditation offers a path to see clearly and break free.

6. The Red Pill Choice: Liberation requires facing discomfort—awareness of mental chains (Buddhism) + understanding their origin (science) = true freedom.

---

Tagline: “Awaken from evolution’s dream. See reality. Choose freedom.”

***

The Fun Way

Ever felt like you're living in a cheesy sci-fi movie? Picture this: you're Neo, stuck in the Matrix, munching on powdered sugar donuts, and life is just one big, hilarious illusion. Natural selection wired our brains to chase quick, fleeting pleasures—even if it means getting tricked every time! Then comes the red pill moment: meditation and mindfulness step in like your quirky guru, showing you the truth behind the delusion. So, ditch the blue pill of endless junk food cravings and dive deep into reality. Ready to see how wild the rabbit hole really goes? Take the red pill, laugh at life’s absurdities, and start your journey to real clarity!

Ch 2: Paradoxes of Meditation

• No Success or Failure: Meditation isn’t about winning or losing—it's about experiencing the process.
• Let Go to Succeed: The harder you chase meditative "success," the further it eludes you.
• Paradox of Need: Those who need meditation the most often find it the hardest to practice.
• Embrace Discomfort: Accepting unpleasant feelings can diminish their power over you.
• Shift Your Perspective: Observing your emotions from a distance can transform pain into neutrality.
• Delusions Unveiled: Our everyday feelings and judgments are often illusions shaped by our nature.
• Inner and Outer Reality: Both our inner world and external perceptions are less solid than they seem.
• Tool for Peace: By clarifying our minds, meditation can help reduce personal suffering and societal tribalism.
• Challenging Conventions: The Buddhist ideas of emptiness and no-self invite us to question what we take for real.
• A Path to Liberation: Meditation offers a gateway not just to personal clarity, but to a more harmonious world.

***

The Fun Way

Ever tried meditating and got more frustrated than focused? Here’s the paradox: meditation isn’t about “succeeding” – it’s about letting go of success! Picture this: the more you chase calm, the more it escapes you. I’m practically the Bobby Knight of meditation—volatile, distracted, and a magnet for inner chaos. But guess what? That very chaos is why I need meditation the most! Embrace your fidgety mind, laugh at your wandering thoughts, and discover that even “failure” in meditation can flip into unexpected calm. So, kick back, let go of the pressure, and enjoy the quirky journey to inner peace!

Ch 3: When Are Feelings Illusions?

• Feelings are real, but some are illusory in that they can lead us astray.
• Feelings evolved to guide organisms toward beneficial things and away from harmful ones.
• "True" feelings align with what's genuinely good for an organism's survival.
• "False" feelings, or illusions, lead to behaviors that are ultimately harmful.
• Environmental mismatch: Feelings designed for ancestral environments can become maladaptive in modern life (e.g., sweet tooth, road rage).
• False positives: Some feelings, like fear of snakes, are designed to be frequently wrong to ensure survival in rare, life-threatening situations.
• Modern life creates new kinds of "false" feelings by making it difficult to assess and react to social cues (e.g., fear of offending, self-consciousness, public speaking anxiety).
• Feelings often feel inherently true, making it difficult to objectively assess their validity.
• Meditation and cognitive-behavioral therapy can help discern and manage illusory feelings.
• Natural selection prioritized gene propagation over our long-term happiness, leading to potential delusions about what brings lasting fulfillment.

***
The Fun Way

Ever feel like your brain is playing tricks on you? 🤯 Turns out, our feelings aren't always the reliable guides we think they are. From donut cravings to public speaking jitters, we explore why some feelings are straight-up illusions. 🤯 Want to take back control? Follow this page for more mind-blowing insights!

Tags: Book Summary,Psychology,Emotional Intelligence,Buddhism,

Books on Pop Psychology (Oct 2024)

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1. 6 Psychology Books to Help You Understand Yourself (and Others) Better
   1. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
   2. Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
   3. Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely
   4. Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert
   5. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
   6. The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt
2. 10 Psychology Books That Help You Decode the Subconscious Mind
   1. The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy
   2. Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain by David Eagleman
   3. Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
   4. The Hidden Brain by Shankar Vedantam
   5. The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud
   6. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
   7. Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell
   8. Strangers to Ourselves: Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious by Timothy D. Wilson
   9. Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behaviour by Leonard Mlodinow
   10. Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. Joe Dispenza
3. Consumer psychology books: 5 must-reads for marketers
   1. Decoded: The Science Behind Why We Buy (Authored by Phil P. Barden in 2013)
   2. Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die (by Chip Heath and Dan Heath)
   3. Marketing to Mindstates: The Practical Guide to Applying Behavior Design to Research and Marketing (by Will Leach)
   4. The Art of Choosing (by Professor Sheena Iyengar)
   5. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (by Robert Cialdini)

Tags: Psychology,Behavioral Science,Emotional Intelligence,List of Books,

Resilience and Wabi-Sabi

 
    
How to face life's challenges without letting stress and worry age you

What is resilience?

One thing that everyone with a clearly defined ikigai has in common is that they pursue their passion no matter what. They never give up, even when the cards seem stacked against them or they face one hurdle after another.
We're talking about resilience, a concept that has become influential among psychologists.
But resilience isn't just the ability to persevere. As we'll see in this chapter, it is also an outlook we can cultivate to stay focused on the important things in life rather than what is most urgent, and to keep ourselves from being carried away by negative emotions.
In the final section of the chapter, we'll explore techniques that go beyond resilience to cultivate antifragility.
Sooner or later, we all have to face difficult moments, and the way we do this can make a huge difference to our quality of life. Proper training for our mind, body, and emotional resilience is essential for confronting life's ups and downs.

七転び八起き
Nana korobi ya oki 

Fall seven times, rise eight.
—Japanese proverb

Resilience is our ability to deal with setbacks. The more resilient we are, the easier it will be to pick ourselves up and get back to what gives meaning to our lives.
Resilient people know how to stay focused on their objectives, on what matters, without giving in to discouragement. Their flexibility is the source of their strength: They know how to adapt to change and to reversals of fortune.
They concentrate on the things they can control and don't worry about those they can't.
In the words of the famous Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Emotional resilience through Buddhism and Stoicism

Siddhārtha Gautama (Buddha) was born a prince of Kapilavastu, Nepal, and grew up in a palace, surrounded by riches. At sixteen he married and had a child.
Not satisfied by his family's wealth, at twenty-nine he decided to try a different lifestyle and ran away from the palace to live as an ascetic. But it wasn't asceticism that he was looking for; it didn't offer the happiness and well-being he sought. Neither wealth nor extreme asceticism worked for him.
He realized that a wise person should not ignore life's pleasures. A wise person can live with these pleasures but should always remain conscious of how easy it is to be enslaved by them.
Zeno of Citium began his studies with the Cynics. The Cynics also led ascetic lives, leaving behind all earthly pleasures. They lived in the street, and the only thing they owned was the clothing on their backs.
Seeing that Cynicism did not give him a sense of well-being, Zeno abandoned its teachings to found the school of Stoicism, which centers on the idea that there is nothing wrong with enjoying life's pleasures as long as they do not take control of your life as you enjoy them. You have to be prepared for those pleasures to disappear. The goal is not to eliminate all feelings and pleasures from our lives, as in Cynicism, but to eliminate negative emotions.
Since their inception, one of the objectives of both Buddhism and Stoicism has been to control pleasure, emotions, and desires. Though the philosophies are very different, both aim to curb our ego and control our negative emotions.
Both Stoicism and Buddhism are, at their roots, methods for practicing well-being.

According to Stoicism, our pleasures and desires are not the problem. We can enjoy them as long as they don't take control of us. The Stoics viewed those who were able to control their emotions as virtuous.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

We finally land our dream job, but after a little while we are already hunting for a better one. We win the lottery and buy a nice car but then decide we can't live without a sailboat. We finally win the heart of the man or woman we've been pining for and suddenly find we have a wandering eye.
People can be insatiable.
The Stoics believed that these kinds of desires and ambitions are not worth pursuing. The objective of the virtuous person is to reach a state of tranquility (apatheia): the absence of negative feelings such as anxiety, fear, shame, vanity, and anger, and the presence of positive feelings such as happiness, love, serenity, and gratitude.
In order to keep their minds virtuous, the Stoics practiced something like negative visualization: They imagined the worst thing that could happen in order to be prepared if certain privileges and pleasures were taken from them.
To practice negative visualization, we have to reflect on negative events, but without worrying about them.
Seneca, one of the richest men in ancient Rome, lived a life of luxury but was, nonetheless, an active Stoic. He recommended practicing negative visualization every night before falling asleep. In fact, he not only imagined these negative situations, he actually put them into practice—for example, by living for a week without servants, or the food and drink he was used to as a wealthy man. As a result, he was able to answer the question “What's the worst thing that could happen?”

Meditating for healthier emotions

In addition to negative visualization and not giving in to negative emotions, another central tenet of Stoicism is knowing what we can control and what we can't, as we see in the Serenity Prayer. Worrying about things that are beyond our control accomplishes nothing.
We should have a clear sense of what we can change and what we can't, which in turn will allow us to resist giving in to negative emotions.
In the words of Epictetus, “It's not what happens to you, but how you react that matters.”

In Zen Buddhism, meditation is a way to become aware of our desires and emotions and thereby free ourselves from them. It is not simply a question of keeping the mind free of thoughts but instead involves observing our thoughts and emotions as they appear, without getting carried away by them. In this way, we train our minds not to get swept up in anger, jealousy, or resentment.
One of the most commonly used mantras in Buddhism focuses on controlling negative emotions: “Oṃ maṇi padme hūṃ ,” in which oṃ is the generosity that purifies the ego, ma is the ethics that purifies jealousy, ṇi is the patience that purifies passion and desire, pad is the precision that purifies bias, me is the surrender that purifies greed, and hūṃ is the wisdom that purifies hatred.

The here and now, and the impermanence of things

Another key to cultivating resilience is knowing in which time to live. Both Buddhism and Stoicism remind us that the present is all that exists, and it is the only thing we can control. Instead of worrying about the past or the future, we should appreciate things just as they are in the moment, in the now.
“The only moment in which you can be truly alive is the present moment,” observes the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh.
In addition to living in the here and now, the Stoics recommend reflecting on the impermanence of the things around us.
The Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius said that the things we love are like the leaves of a tree: They can fall at any moment with a gust of wind. He also said that changes in the world around us are not accidental but rather form part of the essence of the universe—a rather Buddhist notion, in fact.

We should never forget that everything we have and all the people we love will disappear at some point. This is something we should keep in mind, but without giving in to pessimism. Being aware of the impermanence of things does not have to make us sad; it should help us love the present moment and those who surround us.
“All things human are short-lived and perishable,” Seneca tells us.

The temporary, ephemeral, and impermanent nature of the world is central to every Buddhist discipline. Keeping this always in mind helps us avoid excessive pain in times of loss.

Wabi-sabi and ichi-go ichi-e

Wabi-sabi is a Japanese concept that shows us the beauty of the fleeting, changeable, and imperfect nature of the world around us. Instead of searching for beauty in perfection, we should look for it in things that are flawed, incomplete.
This is why the Japanese place such value, for example, on an irregular or cracked teacup. Only things that are imperfect, incomplete, and ephemeral can truly be beautiful, because only those things resemble the natural world.
A complementary Japanese concept is that of ichi-go ichi-e, which could be translated as “This moment exists only now and won't come again.” It is heard most often in social gatherings as a reminder that each encounter— whether with friends, family, or strangers—is unique and will never be repeated, meaning that we should enjoy the moment and not lose ourselves in worries about the past or the future.
The concept is commonly used in tea ceremonies, Zen meditation, and Japanese martial arts, all of which place emphasis on being present in the moment.
In the West, we've grown accustomed to the permanence of the stone buildings and cathedrals of Europe, which sometimes gives us the sense that nothing changes, making us forget about the passage of time. Greco-Roman architecture adores symmetry, sharp lines, imposing facades, and buildings and statues of the gods that outlast the centuries.
Japanese architecture, on the other hand, doesn't try to be imposing or perfect, because it is built in the spirit of wabi-sabi. The tradition of makingstructures out of wood presupposes their impermanence and the need for future generations to rebuild them. Japanese culture accepts the fleeting nature of the human being and everything we create.
The Grand Shrine of Ise,3 for example, has been rebuilt every twenty years for centuries. The most important thing is not to keep the building standing for generations, but to preserve customs and traditions—things that can withstand the passage of time better than structures made by human hands.
The key is to accept that there are certain things over which we have no control, like the passage of time and the ephemeral nature of the world around us.
Ichi-go ichi-e teaches us to focus on the present and enjoy each moment that life brings us. This is why it is so important to find and pursue our ikigai.
Wabi-sabi teaches us to appreciate the beauty of imperfection as an opportunity for growth.

Beyond resilience: Antifragility

As the legend goes, the first time Hercules faced the Hydra, he despaired when he discovered that cutting off one of its heads meant that two would grow back in its place. He would never be able to kill the beast if it got stronger with every wound.
As Nassim Nicholas Taleb explains in Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder,4 we use the word fragile to describe people, things, and organizations that are weakened when harmed, and the words robust and resilient for things that are able to withstand harm without weakening, but we don't have a word for things that get stronger when harmed (up to a point).
To refer to the kind of power possessed by the Hydra of Lerna, to talk about things that get stronger when they are harmed, Taleb proposes the term antifragile: “Antifragility is beyond resilience or robustness. The resilient resists shocks and stays the same; the antifragile gets better.”
Catastrophes and exceptional circumstances offer good models for explaining antifragility. In 2011 a tsunami hit the Tōhoku region of Japan, doing tremendous damage to dozens of cities and towns along the coast, most famously Fukushima.
When we visited the affected coast two years after the catastrophe, having driven for hours along cracked highways and past one empty gas station after another, we passed through several ghost towns whose streets had been taken over by the remnants of houses, piles of cars, and empty train stations. These towns were fragile spaces that had been forgotten by the government and could not recover on their own.
Other places, such as Ishinomaki and Kesennuma, suffered extensive damage but were rebuilt within a few years, thanks to the efforts of many.
Ishinomaki and Kesennuma showed how resilient they were in their ability to return to normal after the catastrophe.
The earthquake that caused the tsunami also affected the Fukushima nuclear power plant. The Tokyo Electric Power Company engineers working at the plant were not prepared to recover from that kind of damage. The Fukushima nuclear facility is still in a state of emergency and will be for decades to come. It demonstrated its fragility in the face of an unprecedented catastrophe.
The Japanese financial markets closed minutes after the earthquake.
Which businesses did the best in the aftermath? Stock in big construction companies has been steadily on the rise since 2011; the need to rebuild the entire coast of Tōhoku is a boon for construction. In this case, Japanese construction companies are antifragile, since they benefited enormously from the catastrophe.
Now let's take a look at how we can apply this concept to our daily lives.
How can we be more antifragile?

Step 1: Create redundancies

Instead of having a single salary, try to find a way to make money from your hobbies, at other jobs, or by starting your own business. If you have only one salary, you might be left with nothing should your employer run into trouble, leaving you in a position of fragility. On the other hand, if you have several options and you lose your primary job, it might just happen that you end up dedicating more time to your secondary job, and maybe even make moremoney at it. You would have beaten that stroke of bad luck and would be, in that case, antifragile.
One hundred percent of the seniors we interviewed in Ogimi had a primary and a secondary occupation. Most of them kept a vegetable garden as a secondary job, and sold their produce at the local market.
The same idea goes for friendships and personal interests. It's just a matter, as the saying goes, of not putting all your eggs in one basket.
In the sphere of romantic relationships, there are those who focus all their energy on their partner and make him or her their whole world. Those people lose everything if the relationship doesn't work out, whereas if they've cultivated strong friendships and a full life along the way, they'll be in a better position to move on at the end of a relationship. They'll be antifragile.
Right now you might be thinking, “I don't need more than one salary, and I'm happy with the friends I've always had. Why should I add anything new?”
It might seem like a waste of time to add variation to our lives, because extraordinary things don't ordinarily happen. We slip into a comfort zone. But the unexpected always happens, sooner or later.

Step 2: Bet conservatively in certain areas and take many small risks in others

The world of finance turns out to be very useful in explaining this concept. If you have $10,000 saved up, you might put $9,000 of that into an index fund or fixed-term deposit, and invest the remaining $1,000 in ten start-ups with huge growth potential—say, $100 in each.
One possible scenario is that three of the companies fail (you lose $300), the value of three other companies goes down (you lose another $100 or $200), the value of three goes up (you make $100 or $200), and the value of one of the start-ups increases twenty-fold (you make nearly $2,000, or maybe even more).
You still make money, even if three of the businesses go completely belly- up. You've benefited from the damage, just like the Hydra.
The key to becoming antifragile is taking on small risks that might lead to great reward, without exposing ourselves to dangers that might sink us, such as investing $10,000 in a fund of questionable reputation that we saw advertised in the newspaper.

Step 3: Get rid of the things that make you fragile

We're taking the negative route for this exercise. Ask yourself: What makes me fragile? Certain people, things, and habits generate losses for us and make us vulnerable. Who and what are they? When we make our New Year's resolutions, we tend to emphasize adding new challenges to our lives. It's great to have this kind of objective, but setting “good riddance” goals can have an even bigger impact. For example:

# Stop snacking between meals

# Eat sweets only once a week

# Gradually pay off all debt

# Avoid spending time with toxic people

# Avoid spending time doing things we don't enjoy, simply because we feel obligated to do them

# Spend no more than twenty minutes on Facebook per day

To build resilience into our lives, we shouldn't fear adversity, because each setback is an opportunity for growth. If we adopt an antifragile attitude, we'll find a way to get stronger with every blow, refining our lifestyle and staying focused on our ikigai.
Taking a hit or two can be viewed as either a misfortune or an experience that we can apply to all areas of our lives, as we continually make corrections and set new and better goals. As Taleb writes in Antifragile, “We need randomness, mess, adventures, uncertainty, self-discovery, hear traumatic episodes, all these things that make life worth living.” We encourage those interested in the concept of antifragility to read Nassim Nicholas Taleb's Antifragile.
Life is pure imperfection, as the philosophy of wabi-sabi teaches us, and the passage of time shows us that everything is fleeting, but if you have a clear sense of your ikigai, each moment will hold so many possibilities that it will seem almost like an eternity.

Source: Chapter 9 from the book "Ikigai" by Hector Garcia

Tags: Book Summary,Emotional Intelligence,Buddhism,