Rule 1: Stand up straight with your shoulders back

LOBSTERS—AND TERRITORY

Lobsters nervous systems are comparatively simple, with large, easily observable neurons, the magic cells of the brain. Because of this, scientists have been able to map the neural circuitry of lobsters very accurately. This has helped us understand the structure and function of the brain and behaviour of more complex animals, including human beings. Lobsters have more in common with you than you might think (particularly when you are feeling crabby—ha ha).

Lobsters live on the ocean floor. They need a home base down there, a range within which they hunt for prey and scavenge around for stray edible bits and pieces of whatever rains down from the continual chaos of carnage and death far above. They want somewhere secure, where the hunting and the gathering is good. They want a home.

This can present a problem, since there are many lobsters. What if two of them occupy the same territory, at the bottom of the ocean, at the same time, and both want to live there? What if there are hundreds of lobsters, all trying to make a living and raise a family, in the same crowded patch of sand and refuse?

Other creatures have this problem, too.

When songbirds come north in the spring, for example, they engage in ferocious territorial disputes. The songs they sing, so peaceful and beautiful to human ears, are siren calls and cries of domination. A brilliantly musical bird is a small warrior proclaiming his sovereignty. Take the wren, for example, a small, feisty, insect-eating songbird common in North America. A newly arrived wren wants a sheltered place to build a nest, away from the wind and rain. He wants it close to food, and attractive to potential mates. He also wants to convince competitors for that space to keep their distance.

Birds—and Territory

My dad and I designed a house for a wren family when I was ten years old. It looked like a Conestoga wagon, and had a front entrance about the size of a quarter. This made it a good house for wrens, who are tiny, and not so good for other, larger birds, who couldn’t get in. My elderly neighbour had a birdhouse, too, which we built for her at the same time, from an old rubber boot. It had an opening large enough for a bird the size of a robin. She was looking forward to the day it was occupied.

A wren soon discovered our birdhouse, and made himself at home there. We could hear his lengthy, trilling song, repeated over and over, during the early spring. Once he’d built his nest in the covered wagon, however, our new avian tenant started carrying small sticks to our neighbour’s nearby boot. He packed it so full that no other bird, large or small, could possibly get in. Our neighbour was not pleased by this pre-emptive strike, but there was nothing to be done about it. “If we take it down,” said my dad, “clean it up, and put it back in the tree, the wren will just pack it full of sticks again.” Wrens are small, and they’re cute, but they’re merciless.

My dad suggested that I sit on the back lawn, record the wren’s song, play it back, and watch what happened. So, I went out into the bright spring sunlight and taped a few minutes of the wren laying furious claim to his territory with song. Then I let him hear his own voice. That little bird, one-third the size of a sparrow, began to divebomb me and my cassette recorder, swooping back and forth, inches from the speaker. We saw a lot of that sort of behaviour, even in the absence of the tape recorder. If a larger bird ever dared to sit and rest in any of the trees near our birdhouse there was a good chance he would get knocked off his perch by a kamikaze wren.

Despite being very different from each other, Wren and Lobsters have some things in common...

Both are obsessed with status and position, for example, like a great many creatures. The Norwegian zoologist and comparative psychologist Thorlief Schjelderup-Ebbe observed (back in 1921) that even common barnyard chickens establish a “pecking order.”

Pecking Order

The determination of Who’s Who in the chicken world has important implications for each individual bird’s survival, particularly in times of scarcity. The birds that always have priority access to whatever food is sprinkled out in the yard in the morning are the celebrity chickens. After them come the second-stringers, the hangers-on and wannabes. Then the third-rate chickens have their turn, and so on, down to the bedraggled, partially-feathered and badly-pecked wretches who occupy the lowest, untouchable stratum of the chicken hierarchy.

Chickens, like suburbanites, live communally. Songbirds, such as wrens, do not, but they still inhabit a dominance hierarchy. It’s just spread out over more territory. The wiliest, strongest, healthiest and most fortunate birds occupy prime territory, and defend it. Because of this, they are more likely to attract high-quality mates, and to hatch chicks who survive and thrive. Protection from wind, rain and predators, as well as easy access to superior food, makes for a much less stressed existence. Territory matters, and there is little difference between territorial rights and social status. It is often a matter of life and death.

When the aristocracy catches a cold, as it is said, the working class dies of pneumonia.

If a contagious avian disease sweeps through a neighbourhood of well-stratified songbirds, it is the least dominant and most stressed birds, occupying the lowest rungs of the bird world, who are most likely to sicken and die. This is equally true of human neighbourhoods, when bird flu viruses and other illnesses sweep across the planet. The poor and stressed always die first, and in greater numbers. They are also much more susceptible to noninfectious diseases, such as cancer, diabetes and heart disease.

Because territory matters, and because the best locales are always in short supply, territory-seeking among animals produces conflict. Conflict, in turn, produces another problem: how to win or lose without the disagreeing parties incurring too great a cost. This latter point is particularly important. Imagine that two birds engage in a squabble about a desirable nesting area. The interaction can easily degenerate into outright physical combat. Under such circumstances, one bird, usually the largest, will eventually win—but even the victor may be hurt by the fight. That means a third bird, an undamaged, canny bystander, can move in, opportunistically, and defeat the now-crippled victor. That is not at all a good deal for the first two birds.

Conflict—and Territory

Over the millennia, animals who must co-habit with others in the same territories have in consequence learned many tricks to establish dominance, while risking the least amount of possible damage. A defeated wolf, for example, will roll over on its back, exposing its throat to the victor, who will not then deign to tear it out. The now-dominant wolf may still require a future hunting partner, after all, even one as pathetic as his now-defeated foe. 

Bearded dragons, remarkable social lizards, wave their front legs peaceably at one another to indicate their wish for continued social harmony. Dolphins produce specialized sound pulses while hunting and during other times of high excitement to reduce potential conflict among dominant and subordinate group members. Such behavior is endemic in the community of living things. Lobsters, scuttling around on the ocean floor, are no exception.5 If you catch a few dozen, and transport them to a new location, you can observe their status-forming rituals and techniques. Each lobster will first begin to explore the new territory, partly to map its details, and partly to find a good place for shelter. Lobsters learn a lot about where they live, and they remember what they learn. If you startle one near its nest, it will quickly zip back and hide there. If you startle it some distance away, however, it will immediately dart towards the nearest suitable shelter, previously identified and now remembered.

A lobster needs a safe hiding place to rest, free from predators and the forces of nature. Furthermore, as lobsters grow, they moult, or shed their shells, which leaves them soft and vulnerable for extended periods of time. A burrow under a rock makes a good lobster home, particularly if it is located where shells and other detritus can be dragged into place to cover the entrance, once the lobster is snugly ensconced inside. However, there may be only a small number of high-quality shelters or hiding places in each new territory. They are scarce and valuable. Other lobsters continually seek them out. 

Dispute Resolution: Level 1

This means that lobsters often encounter one another when out exploring. Researchers have demonstrated that even a lobster raised in isolation knows what to do when such a thing happens.6 It has complex defensive and aggressive behaviours built right into its nervous system. It begins to dance around, like a boxer, opening and raising its claws, moving backward, forward, and side to side, mirroring its opponent, waving its opened claws back and forth. At the same time, it employs special jets under its eyes to direct streams of liquid at its opponent. The liquid spray contains a mix of chemicals that tell the other lobster about its size, sex, health, and mood. Sometimes one lobster can tell immediately from the display of claw size that it is much smaller than its opponent, and will back down without a fight. The chemical information exchanged in the spray can have the same effect, convincing a less healthy or less aggressive lobster to retreat. That’s dispute resolution Level 1.

Dispute Resolution: Level 2

If the two lobsters are very close in size and apparent ability, however, or if the exchange of liquid has been insufficiently informative, they will proceed to dispute resolution Level 2. With antennae whipping madly and claws folded downward, one will advance, and the other retreat. Then the defender will advance, and the aggressor retreat. After a couple of rounds of this behaviour, the more nervous of the lobsters may feel that continuing is not in his best interest. He will flick his tail reflexively, dart backwards, and vanish, to try his luck elsewhere. If neither blinks, however, the lobsters move to Level 3, which involves genuine combat.

Dispute Resolution: Level 3

This time, the now enraged lobsters come at each other viciously, with their claws extended, to grapple. Each tries to flip the other on its back. A successfully flipped lobster will conclude that its opponent is capable of inflicting serious damage. It generally gives up and leaves (although it harbours intense resentment and gossips endlessly about the victor behind its back). If neither can overturn the other—or if one will not quit despite being flipped—the lobsters move to Level 4.

Dispute Resolution: Level 4

Level 4 resolution involves extreme risk, and is not something to be engaged in without forethought: one or both lobsters will emerge damaged from the ensuing fray, perhaps fatally.

The animals advance on each other, with increasing speed. Their claws are open, so they can grab a leg, or antenna, or an eye-stalk, or anything else exposed and vulnerable. Once a body part has been successfully grabbed, the grabber will tail-flick backwards, sharply, with claw clamped firmly shut, and try to tear it off. Disputes that have escalated to this point typically create a clear winner and loser. The loser is unlikely to survive, particularly if he or she remains in the territory occupied by the winner, now a mortal enemy.

Aftermath of a losing battle

In the aftermath of a losing battle, regardless of how aggressively a lobster has behaved, it becomes unwilling to fight further, even against another, previously defeated opponent. A vanquished competitor loses confidence, sometimes for days. Sometimes the defeat can have even more severe consequences. If a dominant lobster is badly defeated, its brain basically dissolves. Then it grows a new, subordinate’s brain—one more appropriate to its new, lowly position. Its original brain just isn’t sophisticated to manage the transformation from king to bottom dog without virtually complete dissolution and regrowth. Anyone who has experienced a painful transformation after a serious defeat in romance or career may feel some sense of kinship with the once successful crustacean.

The Neurochemistry of Defeat and Victory

A lobster loser’s brain chemistry differs importantly from that of a lobster winner. This is reflected in their relative postures. Whether a lobster is confident or cringing depends on the ratio of two chemicals that modulate communication between lobster neurons: serotonin and octopamine. Winning increases the ratio of the former to the latter.

A lobster with high levels of serotonin and low levels of octopamine is a cocky, strutting sort of shellfish, much less likely to back down when challenged. This is because serotonin helps regulate postural flexion. A flexed lobster extends its appendages so that it can look tall and dangerous, like Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti Western. When a lobster that has just lost a battle is exposed to serotonin, it will stretch itself out, advance even on former victors, and fight longer and harder. The drugs prescribed to depressed human beings, which are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, have much the same chemical and behavioural effect. In one of the more staggering demonstrations of the evolutionary continuity of life on Earth, Prozac even cheers up lobsters.

High serotonin/low octopamine characterizes the victor. The opposite neurochemical configuration, a high ratio of octopamine to serotonin, produces a defeated-looking, scrunched-up, inhibited, drooping, skulking sort of lobster, very likely to hang around street corners, and to vanish at the first hint of trouble.

Serotonin and octopamine also regulate the tail-flick reflex, which serves to propel a lobster rapidly backwards when it needs to escape. Less provocation is necessary to trigger that reflex in a defeated lobster. You can see an echo of that in the heightened startle reflex characteristic of the soldier or battered child with post-traumatic stress disorder.

The Principle of Unequal Distribution

When a defeated lobster regains its courage and dares to fight again it is more likely to lose again than you would predict, statistically, from a tally of its previous fights. Its victorious opponent, on the other hand, is more likely to win. It’s winner-take-all in the lobster world, just as it is in human societies, where the top 1 percent have as much loot as the bottom 50 percent—and where the richest eighty-five people have as much as the bottom three and a half billion.

That same brutal principle of unequal distribution applies outside the financial domain—indeed, anywhere that creative production is required. 

- The majority of scientific papers are published by a very small group of scientists.

- A tiny proportion of musicians produces almost all the recorded commercial music. 

- Just a handful of authors sell all the books. 
A million and a half separately titled books sell each year in the US. However, only five
hundred of these sell more than a hundred thousand copies. 

- Similarly, just four classical composers (Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, and Tchaikovsky) wrote almost all the music played by modern orchestras. Bach, for his part, composed so prolifically that it would take decades of work merely to handcopy his scores, yet only a small fraction of this prodigious output is commonly performed. 

- The same thing applies to the output of the other three members of this group of hyper-dominant composers: only a small fraction of their work is still widely played. Thus, a small fraction of the music composed by a small fraction of all the classical composers who have ever composed makes up almost all the classical music that the world knows and loves.

Price’s law

This principle is sometimes known as Price’s law, after Derek J. de Solla Price, the researcher who discovered its application in science in 1963. It can be modelled using an approximately L-shaped graph, with number of people on the vertical axis, and productivity or resources on the horizontal.

Pareto's Principle

The basic principle had been discovered much earlier. Vilfredo Pareto (1848–1923), an Italian polymath, noticed its applicability to wealth distribution in the early twentieth century, and it appears true for every society ever studied, regardless of governmental form. It also applies to the population of cities (a very small number have almost all the people), the mass of heavenly bodies (a very small number hoard all the matter), and the frequency of words in a language (90 percent of communication occurs using just 500 words), among many other things. 

The Matthew Principle

Sometimes it is known as the Matthew Principle (Matthew 25:29), derived from what might be the harshest statement ever attributed to Christ: “to those who have everything, more will be given; from those who have nothing, everything will be taken.”
You truly know you are the Son of God when your dicta (winner-take-all) apply even to crustaceans.

Back to the fractious shellfish: it doesn’t take that long before lobsters, testing each other out, learn who can be messed with and who should be given a wide berth—and once they have learned, the resultant hierarchy is exceedingly stable. All a victor needs to do, once he has won, is to wiggle his antennae in a threatening manner, and a previous opponent will vanish in a puff of sand before him. A weaker lobster will quit trying, accept his lowly status, and keep his legs attached to his body. The top lobster, by contrast— occupying the best shelter, getting some good rest, finishing a good meal— parades his dominance around his territory, rousting subordinate lobsters from their shelters at night, just to remind them who’s their daddy.

All the Girls

The female lobsters (who also fight hard for territory during the explicitly maternal stages of their existence14) identify the top guy quickly, and become irresistibly attracted to him. This is brilliant strategy, in my estimation. It’s also one used by females of many different species, including humans. Instead of undertaking the computationally difficult task of identifying the best man, the females outsource the problem to the machine-like calculations of the dominance hierarchy. They let the males fight it out and peel their paramours from the top. This is very much what happens with stock-market pricing, where the value of any particular enterprise is determined through the competition of all.

When the females are ready to shed their shells and soften up a bit, they become interested in mating. They start hanging around the dominant lobster’s pad, spraying attractive scents and aphrodisiacs towards him, trying to seduce him. His aggression has made him successful, so he’s likely to react in a dominant, irritable manner. Furthermore, he’s large, healthy and powerful. It’s no easy task to switch his attention from fighting to mating. (If properly charmed, however, he will change his behaviour towards the female. This is the lobster equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, the fastest-selling paperback of all time, and the eternal Beauty-and-the-Beast plot of archetypal romance. This is the pattern of behaviour continually represented in the sexually explicit literary fantasies that are as popular among women as provocative images of naked women are among men.)

It should be pointed out, however, that sheer physical power is an unstable basis on which to found lasting dominance, as the Dutch primatologist Frans de Waal15 has taken pains to demonstrate. Among the chimp troupes he studied, males who were successful in the longer term had to buttress their physical prowess with more sophisticated attributes. Even the most brutal chimp despot can be taken down, after all, by two opponents, each threequarters as mean. In consequence, males who stay on top longer are those who form reciprocal coalitions with their lower-status compatriots, and who pay careful attention to the troupe’s females and their infants. The political ploy of baby-kissing is literally millions of years old. But lobsters are still comparatively primitive, so the bare plot elements of Beast and Beauty suffice for them.

Once the Beast has been successfully charmed, the successful female (lobster) will disrobe, shedding her shell, making herself dangerously soft, vulnerable, and ready to mate. At the right moment, the male, now converted into a careful lover, deposits a packet of sperm into the appropriate receptacle. Afterward, the female hangs around, and hardens up for a couple of weeks (another phenomenon not entirely unknown among human beings). At her leisure, she returns to her own domicile, laden with fertilized eggs. At this point another female will attempt the same thing—and so on. The dominant male, with his upright and confident posture, not only gets the prime real estate and easiest access to the best hunting grounds. He also gets all the girls. It is exponentially more worthwhile to be successful, if you are a lobster, and male.

Why is all this relevant?

For an amazing number of reasons, apart from those that are comically obvious. First, we know that lobsters have been around, in one form or another, for more than 350 million years.16 This is a very long time. Sixty-five million years ago, there were still dinosaurs. That is the unimaginably distant past to us. To the lobsters, however, dinosaurs were the nouveau riche, who appeared and disappeared in the flow of neareternal time. This means that dominance hierarchies have been an essentially permanent feature of the environment to which all complex life has adapted. A third of a billion years ago, brains and nervous systems were comparatively simple. Nonetheless, they already had the structure and neurochemistry necessary to process information about status and society. The importance of this fact can hardly be overstated.

The Nature of Nature

The part of our brain that keeps track of our position in the dominance hierarchy is therefore exceptionally ancient and fundamental...

This brings us to an erroneous concept: that nature is something strictly segregated from the cultural constructs that have emerged within it.

The order within the chaos and order of Being is all the more “natural” the longer it has lasted. This is because “nature” is “what selects,” and the longer a feature has existed the more time it has had to be selected—and to shape life. It does not matter whether that feature is physical and biological, or social and cultural. All that matters, from a Darwinian perspective, is permanence—and the dominance hierarchy, however social or cultural it might appear, has been around for some half a billion years. It’s permanent.

It’s real. The dominance hierarchy is not capitalism. It’s not communism, either, for that matter. It’s not the military-industrial complex. It’s not the patriarchy—that disposable, malleable, arbitrary cultural artefact. It’s not even a human creation; not in the most profound sense. It is instead a neareternal aspect of the environment, and much of what is blamed on these more ephemeral manifestations is a consequence of its unchanging existence. We (the sovereign we, the we that has been around since the beginning of life) have lived in a dominance hierarchy for a long, long time. We were struggling for position before we had skin, or hands, or lungs, or bones. There is little more natural than culture. Dominance hierarchies are older than trees.

The part of our brain that keeps track of our position in the dominance hierarchy is therefore exceptionally ancient and fundamental. It is a master control system, modulating our perceptions, values, emotions, thoughts and actions. It powerfully affects every aspect of our Being, conscious and unconscious alike. This is why, when we are defeated, we act very much like lobsters who have lost a fight. Our posture droops. We face the ground. We feel threatened, hurt, anxious and weak. If things do not improve, we become chronically depressed. Under such conditions, we can’t easily put up the kind of fight that life demands, and we become easy targets for harder-shelled bullies. And it is not only the behavioural and experiential similarities that are striking. Much of the basic neurochemistry is the same.

Consider serotonin, the chemical that governs posture and escape in the lobster. Low-ranking lobsters produce comparatively low levels of serotonin.

This is also true of low-ranking human beings (and those low levels decrease more with each defeat). Low serotonin means decreased confidence. Low serotonin means more response to stress and costlier physical preparedness for emergency—as anything whatsoever may happen, at any time, at the bottom of the dominance hierarchy (and rarely something good). Low serotonin means less happiness, more pain and anxiety, more illness, and a shorter lifespan—among humans, just as among crustaceans. Higher spots in the dominance hierarchy, and the higher serotonin levels typical of those who inhabit them, are characterized by less illness, misery and death, even when factors such as absolute income—or number of decaying food scraps—are held constant. The importance of this can hardly be overstated.

Therefore, look for your inspiration to the victorious lobster, with its 350 million years of practical wisdom. Then you may be able to accept the terrible burden of the World, and find joy. And... Stand up straight, with your shoulders back.

Day out with Sakshi Dahiya (2021-Nov-10)

Index of Journals

Leaving Mobileum and Uniting with mom (2018)

Index of Journals

My relationship with my mother (whom I call mom now) is broken, shattered, unreal, and super-complicated.

The credit for it goes to my mom, my late dad and paternal side of the family.

Everyone in the family calls mom by her name and everyone in the family used to call dad by his name. When I say everyone, I mean everyone, including the kids.

Manju bua particularly holds strong negative feelings for mom. She holds a lot of grudges that she at times would talk about.

All of what it had been, how it had been, the way it had been was going to change in the summers of 2018.

I along with a lot others was fired from my Software Engineer job at Mobileum, Gurugram with a 45 days notice period.
The world turns upside down at such times and that's exactly what happened with me.

I was living in a rental accommodation in Gurugram / Gurgaon near office at that time.

I had not been in touch with Rekha bua and my sister Anu but in these low times there was some futile communication between us. They suggested that I stay here in my rental room for the time till I have paid the amount.
That meant current month and the notice period of one month. The tenor refused to pay back the security and told me that it was rent for the notice period.

What Rekha bua and Anu were saying was that I should stay in Gurugram for 45 days or till possible and focus on finding a new job.

I decided to take a completely different route that was going to change my life forever. I came to Tri Nagar.

When Rekha bua learnt about it, she said "tu wahaa narak mei kyu chalaa gayaa, woh jagah toh narak hai".
Meaning: Why have you gone to thay hellish place? That place is hell.
She said, "Do you know Hem chacha lives there?"

But I had read a lot of self-help books on variety of topics and I was very confident that I should have no problem in Tri Nagar and in dealing with my mother.

And hence I packed my things, sold off bicycle and desert cooler to come to Tri Nagar, to my mother's place.

Packaged Food (2021-Nov-13)

A Trivial Use Case of Python Logging Package

import logging
import pandas as pd
from time import time 

# create logger

logger = logging.getLogger('mylogger')
logger.setLevel(logging.DEBUG)

# create formatter
formatter = logging.Formatter('%(asctime)s - %(name)s - %(levelname)s - %(message)s')

# create file handler which logs even debug messages
log_file_name = pd.Timestamp('today').strftime('%Y-%m-%d') + "_" + str(round(time())) + ".log"

fh = logging.FileHandler(log_file_name)
fh.setLevel(logging.DEBUG)
fh.setFormatter(formatter) # Add formatter to the handlers
logger.addHandler(fh) # add the handlers to the logger

logger.info("Info logged.")
logger.debug("Debugging log.") 

Output:

File: 2021-11-11_1636609628.log
2021-11-11 11:17:08,174 - mylogger - INFO - Info logged.

File: 2021-11-12_1636688151.log
2021-11-12 09:05:50,813 - mylogger - INFO - Info logged.
2021-11-12 09:05:50,813 - mylogger - DEBUG - Debugging log.

Two ways to get Frequency Based Order of Categorical Data (Python)

Python Code:

import pandas as pd
from collections import Counter
df = pd.read_csv('sales_data_sample.csv')
df[['COUNTRY', 'PRODUCTLINE']] 



df[['COUNTRY']].value_counts()



list(df[['COUNTRY']].value_counts().index)



df[['PRODUCTLINE']].value_counts()



cnt_country = Counter(df['COUNTRY'])



cnt_country.most_common()



cnt_productline = Counter(df['PRODUCTLINE'])

2011-Apr-07

Index of Journals

April 7, 2011

Srishti is so irritating, I can’t remember when it happened last time when I had gone to her and didn’t return with irritated psyche. I was in drawing room when I thought maybe I could just make her check university website for a second but this slut started bitching around, giving reasons, and explaining her problems with the world.

I had to do DCS yesterday but I had messed up with time table again. I am not doing DCS and I will do it only in days of exams. 
I had used my phone for 6 hours total, and 2 hours outgoing. That’s pretty much a figure.

Had I got one more back in III semester result I’d have crash landed in depression again. On the internet Ravi seemed to be joking with me over my poor results, is that true, can people change their character with good and bad times?

I don’t understand how come I tend to fail in subject I like the most. I would make myself love Physics I would fail in Physics, I would make myself love Math I would fail in math, I would love Algorithms Design and Analysis I would fail in ADA, and yesterday I learned that I failed in DS and math, the subjects I, from the heart, wanted to do good in.

God bless me
Ashish

2011-Apr-06 (Results of Third Semester)

Index of Journals

April 6, 2011

The passing marks are 50. 

35, 50*, 50*, 50, 57 and 38; these are my marks. God, you don’t call that a result! 

I was expecting back in Math but not in Data Structures. Okay, I was not sure if I was getting one back or two backs but DS; I wasn’t expecting. Internal marks of Analog Electronics helped, I passed with grace marks. Even marks in Object Oriented Programming are very less, and the highest among what I got. I was shocked when I saw the result, I was half sleep, and suddenly I was awake in the chair I was sitting.

I had gone out to dress for cyber-café to get the previous years' question papers of II term. Then I noticed chachaji wasn’t there and I downloaded the result first, which I had discovered just then. I was deep shock. (Prashant sent amma to make me shut the laptop because it is for office work of chachaji, I couldn’t have paid attention to that amid what had happened).

I got call from Sonam, I am glad; she will be helpful in coming times to me. I will need her. I went to cyber-café and downloaded question papers. I wanted to abuse Shruti B and Raj Dhan for talking crap in the CS1E group but I just couldn’t speak. 

20 credits, none got credits lesser than that, except Roshan (16) and Mukul (4, all from practical). The thing is Mukul got more marks than me in Data Structures, but ultimately both of us failed. 

I was snoozing through the day with OS book. I needed to see the question papers to see what kinds of questions are asked in the exam.
I am not writing Rekha buaji a letter, I don’t know, maybe I would, I am better dead.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Apr-05

Index of Journals

April 5, 2011

I had to finish Communication Systems last night but then I overslept. Then I had doubts about syllabus, the book contains too much and lecture plan has nothing written there. I called Vibha and Nishant for this purpose in the morning. Both came up of good avail. Nishant has been real nice to me whenever I found myself most lonely among the fifty filthy classmates. 

For the breakfast chachi made Uttapam. I wondered if I would be sleeping through the day after eating that. I was sleeping in the afternoon but by 2000 I was over with Communication Systems. 

Last year chachi and chacha had been adamant about using mosquito nets but this year (when it is time for Prashant to sit for ‘Holy exam’) there are three mosquito vaporizers in the room. Lately I studied this idiot a bit and now I know his habits and patterns. So I am little comfortable at home. 

There was a spider of the size of a wheat bead on the bed circling near pillow since last night. I then instinctively closed it in the book, killing it. I had killed a black-bug-like spider with charger last year. Jains don’t do that, I was very guilty, and today again. 

Result is still waiting to come. I am worried, I have to write to US and I wish I give them good news. I don’t know why I am linking the two incidents? The day when Rekha buaji had talked to me on phone, her tone had been very arrogant, very proud, like she scored a point over me, or like she owed me something I can’t live without. She told amma that Rashmi got first position out 500 others. She didn’t mean to put her overall result in the form of ratio, because that is anyhow not possible for US. First of all, there are no people in that country in comparison to India; second of all, the most universities there have very large number of seats, much larger than the intake. In IITs the competition has gone as bad as 1.4 for every 100, then which exam and in which part of Earth did Rashmi sit for a test where they chose 1 from every 500? That’s bullshit; buaji lied to her uneducated mother.

God bless me	
Ashish 

2011-Apr-04

Index of Journals

April 4, 2011

I went to college early. On my way to college near Shastri park red light I saw Jain Muni arriving from there. He was leaded by musicians and band group singing through his way. At first, I thought may be its crowd from some wedding. But then I saw Him. I got an adrenaline rush, great thoughts of doing something big like our religious gurus. 

I reached classroom at 0740. Around eight, Operating Systerm teacher (Megha) came to see the class and asked about today’s plans of the class. I told her that students would be coming, and there would be crowd by the time it is her lecture at nine. When she had entered the classroom I was nearly sleeping perusing through SE textbook, cross-legged in teacher’s chair under fan. As I saw her I got blinked to wake up and conversation started.

Priti Verma ma’am hadn’t come today. OS teacher started with asking questions and I had to stand in the questionnaire, though I had little idea of answers of few questions but not the answers. She asked if I knew of anything asked, I said I needed to revise the topic. Then she asked which topic I have prepared so far, I said I needed to start her subject. She just spared me because she saw me with SE textbook right in the morning, huh.

After this there was Digital Circuits and Systems lab and I wrote and performed the practical right away to get an early leave. But Neeru ma’am kept playing with words, flirting, smiling. She had in mind to not let me go. So I called Sonam to the lab. I had been after Nitish since the beginning of the period to make him work on the project. Since morning till OS lecture I had been after Sonam to discuss about project. She had already started to ignore me. Nitish was thinking of making Sonam and Parul do all the work. Sonam was thinking of making me, Nitish and Parul do all the work. I had not been able to contact Parul very closely this far, she has been avoiding me ever since, stupid dick. Here Sonam, Nitish and I sat to work together for awhile. We began with me taking charges of copying the problem statement from somewhere on the internet. Dhanraj came with Sonam to make fun over here. Why did she bring this stupid with her? I wrote the problem statement taking two hours of my time, and these people instead of appreciating effort made by me, were leading everyone into dark. Finally we came up with rough ERD’s and Use Case diagrams. Sonam settled for ERD’s and 2-level DFD, Nitish settled for Use case diagram, and we decided to that Parul would make 0 level and 1 level DFD’s. After lab we checked the date sheet for second terminals, went to collect Vibha’s, Nitish’s, Irfan’s, and my ADA lab file. Prashant sir had given good marks above my expectations even in experiments submitted late. Then we (Vibha, Sonam, and I) went to canteen I offered to buy. Sonam took cold drink, Vibha was not in the mood to eat or drink. I got myself the same drink Limca as Sonam’s and bought Samosa for Vibha, which she didn’t eat. At the time when we were talking I saw canteen workers keeping an eye open on me. That was sad, but I didn’t mind because it is not my first time. 

I forgot to buy previous year’s terminal papers again, I called Ravi for help and he said check Facebook for Vibha’s link, which would be helpful. 
Results not out yet, I am worried.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Apr-03

Index of Journals

April 3, 2011

Last night India won the match and there were celebrations everywhere.

In the morning, I went to amma’s bathroom to brush and I had a fight with Anu right after. I came here by over looking chachaji who came in the morning when I was still asleep. I just wanted to brush but anu pulled the situation into a fight. She was about to bath and I wanted to bath too, I was letting her bath first, but I was brushing before she would come to bath after fixing the cloth in her hand. She came into the bathroom and became violent with running hands, scratching my arm, pulling my clothes, and then used her slippers to hit me. I am glad she could not turn me up even after crossing her limits. Moral of the story is that you have to be violent right from the beginning to win over a discussion, just that other person should not hit you back harder.

I was sleeping through the day, or studying CS, just now I wrote the problem statement for SE project on ‘Electronic Voting System’ suggested by me.

I had been to amma’s room to ask for the procedure of voting and she was on phone then. She then pulled me on the phone to talk to Rekha buaji, goddamn it! She asked how is it going here and then when I said everything here is fine, she said she was asking about college. Then she handed the phone to Sameer and the stupid woman followed her mother irritating me. Why was he talking about cricket when they do not even have it there? He told me that he watched it on camera, and when I told him that they play cricket in China he cracked somebody else’s joke from behind, “we would go to China also”. What was that! We had already shared great moments of silence in this little conversation and then I had to pass phone to amma to prevent myself from saying anything rough. 

Chachi came and lectured me over turning on ‘All-Out’ early in the evening, after listening to her bullshit, I just said talk to amma, and I was just doing what was logical by switching All-Out ‘on’ before sleep. 

Why are these women even alive? Okay, to be polite, why do I have to know these women?

In the morning, I was just hiding my x-rated content in net book right after brushing my teeth and chachaji called me to see my computer. Huh, I was a lucky for having the right idea of this asshole’s moves.

God bless me
Ashish 

2011-Apr-02

Index of Journals

April 2, 2011
It is world cup final today. I am just watching it and waiting for our team to win. I can’t think what to write. I will have to start over again. Four runs from eleven balls.

I went to college to collect attendance. First lecture was of DCS, second was of SE, and last the third was of CG. Because the class was going (probably) to bunk his periods so he came for a minute to see what people were in the class today before the start of SE period. Gaurav Sati had commented on this and sir stood him up. Though, he wasn’t insulted as sir would do to others on regular days. Sir was in good mood today. I was sitting on the bench in the last row leaving the last and the third bench filled in SE class. I was taking down notes, after about half the period teacher wished to see my notebook and then she seated me on the first bench of the first row. Apurva Sood was ogling at me after this, which made me feel kind of proud. Basically no student likes the attention I get from the teachers, whether good or bad, but it is me who steals the show. Priti ma’am before getting over with one hour left us the gift. She said, “the last chance for the A batch students to make a comeback is by submitting the project, assignment, and manual on 20th April. And that was for both the batches. I am thankful to her seriously. Wish I never get into wrong situation with her ever again.

In the CG class, sir stood Aditya up and in the process Varun joined from his side to keep sir away. Varun put over the whole blame for what happened onto me. He said it was only because of one student that whole class had to attend to the lecture. While he was speaking to the teacher he referred to me as ‘the one person because of whom this and that’. I chose not to interrupt, when sir stood me after listening to Varun and listening to Aditya. He just told me that I should walk in the line, and that yesterday I just pushed others in the ‘pit’ while preventing myself from falling. By ‘pit’ he meant his lecture. Sir increased the attendance of students by one, one. That was good, I didn’t seem to have any problem with teacher unlike how I was expecting yesterday after he threw me out. Rather I felt that good mood of teacher helped, and then when sir learnt that he threw the one student out who was responsible for holding the class lecture, he must be impressed. Students should have been thanking me unlike how they were making fun of me, especially Rizwan, Nishant, Apurv, Gaurav, Apurva, and many others.

I finished completing the DCS lab file till fifth experiment and went to get it checked. There I saw Jyotsana ma’am talk on phone while roaming in the open area outside teachers’ cabin. I was waiting there until Neeru ma’am checks my file. Then I again saw her watching me when I was going back after collecting the file. Well, I didn’t steal away the eyes, but I can tell that teacher must be uncomfortable now. I can tell from my own experience that sight of such men is not a very pleasant thing rather women feel insecure if they hold someone’s attention unnecessarily for a pretty long duration. I would advice men to avoid such mute (though deep) confrontations with women. And, she is a senior teacher and has a pretty face.

Looking at my flow Aditya tells me that ten years later from now I would be in the newspaper from doing something really big, or I would be in jail. I tell him that ‘yes’ he is correct and he would see me on international page specifically.

I can’t follow any schedule, or planning because I share room with a f**king idiot with whom I have no sort of communication and fixing the time to put off light is not just a feasible idea, and then for sleeping one needs not just the lights off but also proper air, and decorum. 

I deleted phone content when I did it master-reset to see internet on my phone does work. Well, internet didn’t work but I just lost all notes and everything. 

I fixed 5k mark of my balance on Thursday. It is a landmark. 

I talked to Sonam about project and looks like the work will start soon on Electronic voting machine’s internal software. When Priti ma’am said no to any of the ‘management-type’ project I asked Parul for a new topic and she said that I should discuss it with Sonam and then tell her. In the evening I called Nitish and he wasn’t picking up the phone. I decided to get this project a descent start by myself, because even Sonam was unavailable for communication when I had called her. But later she texted and I called to reply, that fine by me. Now, on Monday I have to give them the problem statement.

God bless me
Ashis 

2011-Apr-01 (Reservation status in college)

Index of Journals

April 1, 2011

Surveillance is still on; there was cop near bus stop even today. The cop waved at conductor and then the driver had been checking me out today. What is happening here?

Internet of my phone has stopped working. I don’t know whose fault is it but I call Vodafone care and try to get it repaired. They don’t seem to helping me out. I can’t connect to internet and now I will get information of result-release on phone from friends, god. I don’t want that.

I was the best the college had during the 2009 admissions. God, Nishant and Apurv disclosed this thing to me in the library after college today. The A batch consists of students from quota (Defense, SC/ST) the batch ends with Roll numbers of Nitish and then I. Vibha is from defense quota, Faizan is from SC/ST, Irfan is defense again, now it is Nitish on students have a doubt. Well he himself claims to be 3800 rank (I was 3903 rank) but Nishant said he is from defense. Whatever, it is crazy that I was the second and then a year-back case and since then it has been down. I will get the desired respect back.

I didn’t have to sleep last night. I could have finished the Digital Circuits and Systems work. In the Computer Graphics period the class was going on mass bunk but I held the class to happen. Before class had even begun I just called Ravi at the door referring to him as ‘oye’ in very loud call. Sir threw me out for this little thing. When I was leaving he saw my smiling face and then held me to insult. He told me to face the class; I wanted to kick his ass. I stood for a second to do that and then watched him to hear what he has got. But, he would then again tell to face the class. I stepped back to stand on podium now he would tell to step down. ‘Face the class’, he again said. I looked in his face, stepped back to the exit saying ‘this is bullshit’ in his face. I was unhappy for doing this. I had to copy DCS assignment after this and I coped even name and roll number of Srishti Jain. Come on, I can’t do that. I held the class and then I was being thrown out, Apurva said she was happy to see that. 

Apurva Sood seems to be going after Aditya Mohan. It appears to be that case.

Prashant sir didn’t check lab files in the class. He just delivered lecture on mass-bunk, irregularity of students towards work. I was not involved.

In DCS lecture I was preparing lab file on the last seat but then teacher called my roll call to stop me. I didn’t dare to disobey her. She could have thrown me out of the class. I need attendance.

College detained students with attendance lesser than 20% last terminal and this terminal it is expected to increase.

God bless me
Ashish 

Chapter 7 - My Class Teachers at Ahlcon

Index of Journals

My fifth standard class teacher was Ms. I do not remember her name. However, she used to teach Hindi. 

My sixth standard class teacher was Ms. Devina. She was the best teacher I remember from my school life. She was an English teacher. 

My seventh standard class teacher was Annapurna. She was the one who made my life real hell in early days of my school life. She used to teach chemistry.

My eighth standard class teacher was Ms. Sapna Sareen. She was good but I never used to like her until she was my teacher. She was Math teacher.

My ninth standard class teacher was Ms. Snehlata. I used to love her too. She was also our class teacher in tenth standard. She was Hindi teacher. 

In eleventh and twelfth Jagdish sir was our class teacher. He was a real mess for me. I had held a sort of disliking for him, which was in me even after some years. He had taught us C++.

Mr. Zutshi: 'good for nothing' was his description after what he did for name sake
- photography, teaches yoga, entertains in assembly, "Chiki-Chiki-boom-boom" was his line that he used to repeat over and over in different ways and energy levels
- went to jail for short periods like half to full week when school would be in legal cases for the stretch of the ground
- elder of the two daughters was just a typical spoilt girl, one year senior to my sister Srishti
- both were studying in school without paying fees

Gurarchi was my classmate from fifth to eighth and then again in high school. She went into the A section for Hindi as a subject in Ninth, I went into B for taking Hindi. There were five sections in Ninth, off which A, B, C were for Hindi, and D, E were for Sanskrit. A section had Praful, Aishwarya (Kumar) from my previous year classmates.