survival8

Sunday, September 19, 2021

Friday, September 17, 2021

2011-Feb-13 (Granny, grandpa visit Tri Nagar)

February 13, 2011

I woke up early around 0630, watched n*de scenes from ‘Basic Instinct 2’ right in the morning. I watched ‘Social Network’ the fourth time after breakfast. It is an awesome movie. 
I needed earphones for that, and when I resolved to ask Anu for ear-phones, she made me feel like a beggar completely. Sh*t, I shouldn’t have ever gone for anything to her. Though later I got it from her only, I had even asked Srishti for it but that attempt was as useless as Srishti itself. 

I was giving my 2010 diary a finishing touch, and in the afternoon, I was sleeping. I had to write about the days of January of 2010 on laptop. 
Chachi would come and I will have to switch between windows, by the time it was night she had started to bang the door while leaving. It was probably because of that. 
Srishti came to ask for if I had taken any ear-phones from her room, I wanted to use abusive language for her but then I politely said ‘no’ to shoe her away fast. 

Amma and babaji had been to Tri Nagar today to attend some marriage. Amma had asked me to come but I refused due to shortage of time. 

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Python (5): OOP Concepts

OOP Concepts

P: Polymorphism
I: Inheritance
E: Encapsulation

A: Abstraction

Apple PIE

How and where OOP concepts are used?    

Because using classes well requires some up-front planning, they tend to be of more interest to people who work in strategic mode (doing long-term product development) than to people who work in tactical mode (where time is in very short supply).

The concept of “self”

class C2: pass # Make superclass objects
class C3: pass

class C1(C2, C3): # Make and link class C1
    def setname(self, who): # Assign name: C1.setname
        self.name = who # Self is either I1 or I2

I1 = C1() # Make two instances
I2 = C1()
I1.setname('bob') # Sets I1.name to 'bob'
I2.setname('sue') # Sets I2.name to 'sue’
print(I1.name) # Prints 'bob'

There’s nothing syntactically unique about def in this context. Operationally, though, when a def appears inside a class like this, it is usually known as a method, and it automatically receives a special first argument—called self by convention—that provides a handle back to the instance to be processed. Any values you pass to the method yourself go to arguments after self (here, to who).

If you’ve ever used C++ or Java, you’ll recognize that Python’s self is the same as the “this” pointer, but self is always explicit in both headers and bodies of Python methods to make attribute accesses more obvious: a name has fewer possible meanings.

Concept of Inheritance of Variables and Methods
class Employee: # General superclass
    def __init__(self, who = "NA", sal = 0): # Set name when constructed
        self.name = who
        self.salary = sal

    def getDetails(self):
        rtn = (self.name, self.salary)
        print("rtn: ", rtn)
        return rtn

class Engineer(Employee): # Specialized subclass
   pass

print("Defaults:")
e = Engineer()
e.getDetails()

print()
print("Custom:")
e = Engineer(who = 'Ashish', sal = 100)
e.getDetails() 

$ python inheritance.py

Defaults:
rtn:  ('NA', 0)

Custom:
rtn:  ('Ashish', 100)

Error Alert

class Employee: # General superclass
    def __init__(self, who, sal): # Set name when constructed
        self.name = who
        self.salary = sal

class Engineer(Employee): # Specialized subclass
    pass
 
e = Engineer()

$ python inheritance.py
Traceback (most recent call last):
File "inheritance.py", line 14, in <module>
    e = Engineer()
TypeError: __init__() missing 2 required positional arguments: 'who' and 'sal' 

Polymorphism

class Employee:
    def __init__(self, who = "NA", sal = 0): 
        self.name = who
        self.salary = sal

    def getDetails(self):
        rtn = (self.name, self.salary)
        print("rtn: ", rtn)
        return rtn

class Engineer(Employee): 
    def reviseSalary(self):
        self.salary =+ 100

    def reviseSalary(self, inc = 200):
        self.salary =+ inc

e = Engineer(who = 'Ashish', sal = 100)
e.getDetails()
e.reviseSalary()
e.getDetails()
e.reviseSalary(inc = 500)
e.getDetails()

$ python polymorphism.py
rtn:  ('Ashish', 100)
rtn:  ('Ashish', 200)
rtn:  ('Ashish', 500)

Abstraction

When we call "print()" for an object it prints some object details like these:

<__main__.Employee object at 0x000001F549F7A1D0>

However, when we define the Python's in-built __str__() for an object, we are essentially telling what should happen when print() is called for the object and end-user would not have to know how to get user-friendly details of the object. This is abstraction (abstraction of print()'s output in __str__() redefining it).

class Employee:
    def __init__(self, who = "NA", sal = 0): 
        self.name = who
        self.salary = sal

    def getDetails(self):
        rtn = (self.name, self.salary)
        print("rtn: ", rtn)
        return rtn

class Engineer(Employee): 
    def reviseSalary(self):
        self.salary =+ 100

    def reviseSalary(self, inc = 200):
        self.salary =+ inc

    def __str__(self): # Higher priority than __repr__ when using with print()
        return '[From __str__: %s, %s]' % (self.name, self.salary)

    #def __repr__(self):
    #    return '[From __repr__: %s, %s]' % (self.name, self.salary)

e = Engineer(who = 'Ashish', sal = 100)
e.getDetails()

print("e:", e)
print("e.__repr__():", e.__repr__())

f = Employee()
print("f = Employee():", f) 

$ python abstraction.py
rtn:  ('Ashish', 100)
e: [From __str__: Ashish, 100]
e.__repr__(): <__main__.Engineer object at 0x000001F549C2F8D0>
f = Employee(): <__main__.Employee object at 0x000001F549F7A1D0>

Sunday, September 12, 2021

Anu's writing about mom (Aug-2021)

Index of Journals

06/Aug/21, 23:18 to 23:48

So my mother. I would start with her good things and her sincerity.

She believes in god and she follows that religiously. May be she does not have many goals in life but she has given a Goal and a purpose to herself to follow Jainism. Sticking to her roots and her principles of religion is commendable.

About her life, she was not from a very rich family but her parents gave her basic education like they gave to her siblings and it was her choice how she use that basic education. She could be a teacher. She could be a mother and pass on that education to her children. Or may be she could learn new things. When Amma who is 5th grade pass-out can make her kids engineers, lawyers, chatered accountants, then she could do that easily.
What Anu is not considering here is that dad was epileptic and had no income while grandpa was a lawyer.

Now the point is we don’t know her thinking. The bigggest thing in this universe is what a person thinks.

She got married to a person who is not much capable but that lead her to a family where there are educated people and she was fortunate to get people like our grandparents in her life. I don’t think they can mistreat anyone (if they can be concerned about her even after knowing that she didn’t take care of their child. They can give love to anyone and everyone in this universe).

Wrong again. Life expectancy of an epileptic patient is more than 54 or 55 years of age. Dad did not get the best treatment. Anu complains what our mother has not done for us but did she ask herself what she did for our mother?

So yes she was fortunate to get into this family but how she used that opportunity?

Did she improved her life?
Her life improved when I put a roof above her head. When I gave a house to live in.
Or she made it worse? She did not make it worse. You are making it worse by not recoginizing your reponsibilities towards your mother.

What was her thinking at that time?
What was she going through?

Have I asked her that - yes, I have but is she expressive and speaks her mind? No

Then how can I help her if she doesn’t speak what she thinks. How would I understand her character?
You do not need to be an expert in character or personality identification in asking our mother is she needs anything.

But that was a time when I had no understanding about her and I could not judge her as kid. When I grew up and had my own senses. I could see and judge her.
Ashish to Anu: You are not in a positioin to judge her. You never will be. You have no right to judge anyone, let alone your mom.

But you know what when a person keeps on doing a thing and have same kind of thinking for a long time it builds a character - a new character.

So someone might be a good person. But if that person constantly thinking negative doing negative and not working on building on a good character. They will turn into a negative person from a positive person.
Ashish to Anu: Stop doing character assassination of our mother.

And a negative person who constantly work on being a better human being will become a better person.
It’s about your choices in life.
Now back to her, I don’t know what she chose for herself. But what I know is she was monetary good, Babaji was helpful and she was getting food and house to live in. The basic necessities were given to her.
Mom and dad were living the life of beggars, since what they were offered the least that could be offered.
Now her choice.

Can’t go back in time and change things but what I know is she is capable of doing things. She is capable of learning things.
Household women learn stiching, or doing embroidery or they teach tuitions or they make hand made things. And so many good things in this world to learn.

And if she can’t thibk of those on her own we can talk and give her ideas.
But again is she receptive? Is she willing to work? Is she ready to learn new skills? Utilise her time?
Ashish to Anu: She is doing good a rental property manager.

What is her thinking?
Thinking builds a character? What’s hers?
Ashish to Anu: Stop judging her character. You are neither in a position to judge nor you will ever be.

There are so many parents who lose their kids. There are wives who lose their husband. Don’t they survive?
Yes they do because they are willing to change their lives.
You are into blogging you must have read real stories about how a person builds their life.
How a handicap do things for his living?
But she has everything (by everything I mean her body and brain).

Now it’s upto her what she thinks and how willing she is to use that for making her life better.
I don’t know her background and don’t want to know because there can not always be a good start to your life. But when do you start building a good life on your own is what matters.
She is not expressive therefore no one can help her. No person can help other person in this universe until you want to help yourself. People can push you to do good things but it’s your willingness to follow them or not.
Ashish to Anu: Today she is doing very well as a rental property manager. She has a working woman from a homemaker.

I live my life like I don’t have parents although she is alive. But do I crib and cry all the time when I see people getting so much from their parents and how their parents supporting them all the time? No I don’t . What I think is I am individual and my grandparents gave me education, humanity and principles and values. And no matter what in this life I will follow and try be a good human. It’s hard and it’s not easy with so many things going around and facing challenges. But that is what is going to make my life.

I can be mad and angry and start drinking and drugs and fighting and make my life miserable. Is it in any way going to solve my problems??

To make my life better I have worked on the problems and my mindset.
So although she has children but she still can make her life better.
What is she doing for that ?
Ashish to Anu: She is a rental property owner and manager.

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Functions in NumPy

The lists of NumPy functions are not exhaustive:

Unary



Binary



Commonly Used NumPy.LinAlg Functions

Indexing in NumPy







Boolean Indexing

Factorial, NumPy and DocTest

Script: s1.py

import numpy as np
import doctest 

def factorial(n):
    """
    Test for the factorial of 3 that should pass.
    >>> factorial(3)
    6

    Test for the factorial of 0 that should fail.
    >>> factorial(0)
    1
    """
    return np.arange(1, n+1).cumprod()[-1]

doctest.testmod() 

OUTPUT:


(base) CMD>python s1.py
**********************************************************************
File "s1.py", line 11, in __main__.factorial
Failed example:
    factorial(0)
Exception raised:
    Traceback (most recent call last):
        File "E:\programfiles\Anaconda3\lib\doctest.py", line 1329, in __run
        compileflags, 1), test.globs)
        File "<doctest __main__.factorial[1]>", line 1, in <module>
        factorial(0)
        File "s1.py", line 14, in factorial
        return np.arange(1, n+1).cumprod()[-1]
    IndexError: index -1 is out of bounds for axis 0 with size 0
**********************************************************************
1 items had failures:
    1 of   2 in __main__.factorial
***Test Failed*** 1 failures. 


(base) CMD>python s1.py -v
Trying:
    factorial(3)
Expecting:
    6
ok
Trying:
    factorial(0)
Expecting:
    1
**********************************************************************
File "s1.py", line 11, in __main__.factorial
Failed example:
    factorial(0)
Exception raised:
    Traceback (most recent call last):
        File "E:\programfiles\Anaconda3\lib\doctest.py", line 1329, in __run
        compileflags, 1), test.globs)
        File "<doctest __main__.factorial[1]>", line 1, in <module>
        factorial(0)
        File "s1.py", line 14, in factorial
        return np.arange(1, n+1).cumprod()[-1]
    IndexError: index -1 is out of bounds for axis 0 with size 0
1 items had no tests:
    __main__
**********************************************************************
1 items had failures:
    1 of   2 in __main__.factorial
2 tests in 2 items.
1 passed and 1 failed.
***Test Failed*** 1 failures.


Code with two functions

import numpy as np
import doctest 

def factorial(n):
    """
    Test for the factorial of 3 that should pass.
    >>> factorial(3)
    6

    Test for the factorial of 0 that should fail.
    >>> factorial(0)
    1
    """
    return np.arange(1, n+1).cumprod()[-1]


def isEven(n):
    """
    Test that would pass
    >>> isEven(10)
    True

    Test that would fail
    >>> isEven(9)
    True

    Test that would pass
    >>> isEven(9)
    False
    """
    rtn = n % 2

    return rtn == 0
    
doctest.testmod() 

Output


(base) CMD>python script.py
**********************************************************************
File "script.py", line 11, in __main__.factorial
Failed example:
factorial(0)
Exception raised:
Traceback (most recent call last):
    File "E:\programfiles\Anaconda3\lib\doctest.py", line 1329, in __run
    compileflags, 1), test.globs)
    File "<doctest __main__.factorial[1]>", line 1, in <module>
    factorial(0)
    File "script.py", line 14, in factorial
    return np.arange(1, n+1).cumprod()[-1]
IndexError: index -1 is out of bounds for axis 0 with size 0
**********************************************************************
File "script.py", line 24, in __main__.isEven
Failed example:
isEven(9)
Expected:
True
Got:
False
**********************************************************************
2 items had failures:
1 of   2 in __main__.factorial
1 of   3 in __main__.isEven
***Test Failed*** 2 failures.

Factorial, NumPy and UnitTest

Writing unit tests

Test-driven development (TDD) is the best thing that has happened to software development this century. One of the most important aspects of TDD is the almost manic focus on unit testing.

The TDD methodology uses the so-called test-first approach, where we first write a test that fails and then write the corresponding code to pass the test. The tests should document the developer's intent, but on a lower level than functional design. A suite of tests increases confidence by decreasing the probability of regression and facilitates refactoring.

Unit tests are automated tests that test a small piece of code, usually a function or method. Python has the PyUnit API for unit testing. As NumPy users, we can make use of the convenience functions in the numpy.testing module as well. This module, as its name suggests, is dedicated to testing.

Script.py:


import numpy as np
import unittest

def factorial(n):
 if n == 0:
  return 1
 if n < 0:
  raise ValueError("Don't be so negative")
 return np.arange(1, n+1).cumprod()

class FactorialTest(unittest.TestCase):
 def test_factorial(self):
  #Test for the factorial of 3 that should pass.
  self.assertEqual(6, factorial(3)[-1])
  np.testing.assert_equal(np.array([1, 2, 6]), factorial(3))

 def test_zero(self):
  #Test for the factorial of 0 that should pass.
  self.assertEqual(1, factorial(0))

 def test_negative(self):
  # Test for the factorial of negative numbers that should fail.
  # It should throw a ValueError, but we expect IndexError
  self.assertRaises(IndexError, factorial(-10))

if __name__ == '__main__':
 unittest.main() 


OUTPUT:


(base) CMD>python script.py
.E.
======================================================================
ERROR: test_negative (__main__.FactorialTest)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Traceback (most recent call last):
  File "script.py", line 24, in test_negative
    self.assertRaises(IndexError, factorial(-10))
  File "script.py", line 8, in factorial
    raise ValueError("Don't be so negative")
ValueError: Don't be so negative

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ran 3 tests in 0.078s

FAILED (errors=1)

(base) CMD>
(base) CMD> 

Testing functions available to us:

2011-Feb-12

Index of Journals

February 12, 2011

I was supposed to attend the 8am class but I missed it. I woke up late and reached college only by 0930. I missed the 9am, Swarnlata madam’s class too. Well, I didn’t regret it, don’t know why, may be because I find her (many other people do too) attractive, and she need to miss me. 

The 10am lecture was the last. The teacher didn’t come for the 11am one. And, Apurva Sood had already started to get the period mass-bunked. God only knows what goes in her head. Everybody was roaming around on the top floor. Apurv, with all other boys of our row was standing next to the door outside. Apurv asked what boys and girls of our class had lost virginity. Apurv loudly asked if Apurva had done it. He repeated the question in quick succession in equally loud voice. I said, “No, Apurva can’t do it, who'd give it give in-and-out in a skeleton structure.” Apurv had raised the question to seek for Apurva’s attention. She had just then came out of the room behind me and I had taken no notice of her till when the floor was echoed by our sounds of laughter. And, I turned my neck to see Apurva stunned by my comment; she walked back into the class as we held each other’s sight for those few seconds. Oh god, I was sorry for not seeing what others saw, I felt sorry for making such a comment. I was lost after that. I went to the canteen to see Varun, Aditya, and other boys of the other row. Huh! I am really sorry, but I shouldn’t be though because it was the first time that I got to make situation embarrassing for her but she had in past on quite a few occasions looked down on me.

I went to the net lab to pass some time, and I received mail from Rekha buaji. It was dated yesterday. And Smita was online after months. I didn’t want to talk to her. But then we talked a three-word conversation started by me, ended by her. “?” “Yes?” “Nothing” “Ok”
I replied to Rekha buaji’s mail and then the lab assistant started shouting and I ended the letter with a break.

I came out of library at 1730. Anurag was walking in the college gates to get his bike. He offered me to drop home. We talked about Gurarchi and XII-D re-union in summers. I have no idea of attending to any party. Money and time are the problem.
It has been time since Gurarchi has been sending me romantic text messages and I never replied to any, but now I have started to fantasize of myself unbuttoning her shirt. God, that’s silly!
    
Last evening Amma and chachi while working in the kitchen were almost on the verge of getting into a verbal fight. But they didn’t, I still don’t know what the issue was.

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-11 (Death of Ms Bhati)

Index of Journals

'Ignorance isn't bliss forever'
When one gets along an irritating person, thing, or habit, it may sound intelligent to ignore them all. But, it doesn't work that way for our psych, our mental being. Attention seeking irritating people can keep one's brain highly occupied in inhibiting from producing thoughts. So it is supposed to be fought, not escaped. Look onto them, recognize them, people like them, their behavior, actions. Once you know what they do and what they are, it should not be difficult to device a reaction for their actions. Plus, there will be nothing you need to know, or don’t need to know, because you already know it all.

February 11, 2011

That old woman, Ms. Bhati died last night. She used to look well in her health; she used to walk around in the society, had friends with most extravagant house-wives, and used to look like in the early years of old age. News came home via chachi; she had seen her last night around ten when she was walking in the society. And around 0030 last night, she just slipped after the attack of some ailment.

I was thinking about her death, and thinking of amma growing old each day. Huh!
It was the second day of the sports meet. I sat in the library to study Communication Systems. I have no place on earth where I can be alone. I mean, being alone is not what I want but I want no disturbance. That’s impossible at home, chachi and Prashant both are d**kheads, I can’t even expect them to act like normal, let alone intelligent.

I was home around seven. It feels good to travel at night, crowded bus passing by traffic of Delhi roads.

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-10

Index of Journals

February 10, 2011

I didn’t wake up to study early after having wasted time in sleeping, watching TV, and watching movie on laptop last night. Chachi and kids had gone to a wedding, then. 

I reached college at around eleven. And I sat there till four-thirty in the evening. I studied ‘Communication Systems’ it required third semester math which I had missed, so I had to do and still have to do that missing part of math course from third semester.

Result is still a month away but the way chachi ask for it is disturbing, as if she owns me. 

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-9 (Money lent to Hemanshu Verma)

Index of Journals

February 9, 2011

I wasn’t about to miss today’s ADA (Algorithms Analysis and Design) class after being made the class coordinator yesterday. I reached college on time well around eight. It wasn’t difficult to study Prashant’s sir subject after having spent hours in library to do the same.
Well, getting to class was worth the money I spent on reaching college on time. I spent R29 to get there. Otherwise, I travel free for weeks! 
It was a fine day at college, I came back home early at four. Oops, I had not thought that I would find chachaji on the door. I thought he left but when I reached home, he was about to leave. Huh!
I also have to count the R50 I gave up to Hemanshu Verma of S2. I didn’t mind lending him that money; otherwise, I am not even a spender.

I was doing second semester Math, now I should better catch up with this, the 4th semester subjects. First terminal tests are nearing. First is on 27th of February.

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-8 (Anu and Ankur clear CA group exams)

Index of Journals

February 8, 2011 

Yesterday it was amma and babaji’s wedding anniversary, but I almost forgot that. I forgot that, I mean.
I went to college early today to attend to 8am class. I had to make the clayey cake of the powdered-wheat by myself. Amma herself had incited me to do that, and next she was abusing me for entering ‘her’ kitchen.

Yesterday, Neha had told me that whole class thinks that I’m a psycho. And, today in the first ADA class by our class teacher, I got to lucky to be the third class coordinator, others our Apurva and Varun. I was feeling proud about it, but I am worried because who knows how long I am going to stand by the teacher’s expectations.

Gurarchi has been messaging me since, I don’t even remember, since starting of this month. And, she wants me to be someone-special of hers. It’s silly how these women want a person so badly they don’t even know. She is just a link for me to my lost school-memories, nothing more than that. But, I’m going to keep it with myself for some time now.

As I was hopping towards home after returning from college, I was stopped by Amogh, Hardik, and Harshit. They were in the parking. They sometimes make me feel so f***ing special. It hurts deep inside why others can’t see the same thing in me too. Yesterday, Hardik found me in the market. When he said to me that I was going to US for a better life, I was feeling unrealistic about it. It was amazing how I was surprised by my own once said words.

Anu and Ankur both passed their group exams in CA. We are having celebration today.

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-7 (Neeru Ma'am)

Index of Journals

February 7, 2011

I woke up in a rush at 0802, something. I went to amma’s room to get ready and leave with babaji.
As we waited for Manju buaji on the bus stop, driver told babaji to clean the wound which was bleeding on his forehead. Actually, babaji bruised his forehead near the brow by the edge of the door. It felt extremely awful to see yet another loss in by some means. How can I be so thoughtful about such things at this age?

I couldn’t attend even the nine-am class for coming late. Then we were just made to sit in the DCS (Digital Circuits and Systems) lab. Ms. Neeru ma’am was not in the mood to teach, you see! I was left alone. The class is so poor! I was reading Abhilash’s notebook and when I tried to ask him and Mukul what they were talking about I was looked down by the Mukul Chandra, wow, wow, wow, is that reality I am living in?

I was in the badminton court eating my lunch and I didn’t raise my head up to see but I knew I was being watched by people hanging on the bridges on the top floors on my left. Well, the game was going on the right, so that kept me at ease.

After sitting alone whole day, I was met by Neha in the last class. She came by to ask about that post. And after a hearty talk, she just said if next time to any such thing, I should be excluding her name too. It was a favor, she said, she was asking for. And, I learnt what this bitch was up about, well, that doesn’t hurt anymore. I have a clear pass to Apurva Sood, but my pocket is not filled enough for nobody.

Neeru ma’am is after me. She was acting totally slutty whenever I saw her. The way she eyes me, and I was literally scared for a second when I was bent down to search for a page in my bag and she came down the row to stand next to me. She had run her finger on my table like trying to seduce. This is going beyond limits. I am totally infamous at college, just one case and I am dead.

You know, it felt proud when in the break Apurv referred to me as ‘Tank of Our Class’.

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-6

Index of Journals

February 6, 2011

I went to buy books today. And chachaji came back today, for mere two days to my gladness. We saw each other before I left for Daryaganj.
I collected books from a single shopkeeper. I mean, I didn’t get to go to another. He suited me. Though, he wasn’t very profitable for me.

After that, I went to badi buaji’s house. I had sort of breakfast around twelve, I told badi buaji to keep it light but it went on to becoming heavy, though I had never expressed myself in words. Huh!
Then, it was normal life at her place. I sat on computer with Ankur in the office, and we were upstairs for lunch. After lunch, Shruti and I had kind of a serious talk about her preparation for board exams and life after that. I mean, she is troubled by her almost nil preparations for three subjects. And, in those subjects, she failed to clear the pre-board exam. It is Chemistry, Physics, and Math. It is funny how a science student can fail in PCM.

I was just sitting downstairs whole time long, taking x-rated movies from Ankur. I was home with Ankur in his car because badi buaji sent him to buy some bakery items from some far away shop and in the process, he just came by to Manu Apartments with me.

Chachaji saw the books, and not much inspection of the prices and other details, just a casual view of everything. That was easy to handle.

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-5 (God is not omniscient)

Index of Journals

February 5, 2011

Last night I was crying in bed for having such a f***ing sick life. Today while sitting in college I almost structured a new religion, Modern-Day-Jainism, or more clearly Jainism-post-2011. It states that God has no known face on name. And god is neither omniscient, nor a retard, unlike what all other religions try to prove.

Before writing this, I literally went to dropping two heavy drops of tears on the page on the book I was reading. It was more noticeable how I got back to normal in no time. Crying was because of the last night again. Life never felt so sick before.

I have been missing sleeping hours and have been napping in evenings and afternoons so I generally feel my head shaking which remind me of earthquakes. I mean I have faced quaking tremors one night I always get the same feeling every time my spins out of natural weakness.

In the library after having shed tears, it went quite around me. These days, I can hear my heart beating; I can feel my blood pumped into my skull, that’s it is so heavy because of all kinds of troubles from life.

I was home in the evening, and I was asleep.

God Bless ‘Me’
Ashish

2011-Feb-4 (Disappointed in Religion)

Index of Journals

4 February 2011

Babaji said Manju buaji was angry with him yesterday morning. I get to hear this kind of bullshit when I am there in amma’s room for bathing, or changing purposes. I was there in the morning. I didn’t pay attention to that, but still it comes to my mind and I have to make special efforts to avoid it.
Later when amma called Manju buaji on phone, buaji almost wept as I heard amma saying.

I went to the college and it was fine. During the return trip, as I climbed the bus a girl was doing her hair and I just found it funny somehow. I had to first laugh and as she saw me, my pursed lips opened up in smile. She was cute: I have to say that. And I didn’t mean to scare her. But she and her friend checked me almost a dozen times after that, it was awful in its own. Her friend changed the bus on Red Fort and the girl changed her seat from second to mine in the next row to the most distant one. The first one in the same row, the one that also falls in the seats reserved for women. Huh!

I was asleep and there was this drama from Prashant, of leaving the lights and door opened. I couldn’t sleep after ten, that’s when he begins his activities. I was reckoning my options of living life here. One is going to Trinagar, second is managing time-table to adjust the disturbances which this idiot creates, and continuing a life here. It sucks when I have to tell myself that Ashish cut down your hopes for reaching high because your run isn’t on the same track as that of a professional. I can’t even trust babaji when it comes to the most important decisions of my life, because on almost every such point of my life he has always disappointed me, not once or twice.
I am not lying nor do I have words to describe how it feels. Just tell me, when does a grown man cry?

I am no more going to follow the practice of reading Bhaktamar and counting beads on fingers. I just did it twice today because I missed doing it yesterday due to busy schedule. I don’t believe in blindly following any religion whatever it might be. I don’t believe in ‘God’ as the people describe them. I do believe in teachers but not gods as the people describe Him. And I don’t even understand Sanskrit; I don’t understand pure Hindi properly, let alone Sanskrit. English is my mother tongue now!

-Ashish