2011-Apr-29

Index of Journals

April 29, 2011

I went to college to register for exams, to meet Aksshita and return her file, and get ADA file checked. I got nothing exactly right. I had to call sir when students learned that sir hadn’t come until ten-thirty. Varun didn’t call, it was Arushi who made me call sir, and I couldn’t have refused to her. Sir wasn’t coming today, and files would be checked on Monday. Just look at the attitude of the man. We got the registration done with another teacher, a senior teacher. I forgot to bring the money and I had to do between home and college, which was really tiring. I met with HOD of first year, Kavita ma’am along with Akash and Shukla. She wanted our questions in the form of application and by the time we wrote application she was gone, actually it was already 1430 when we got there. While returning from college we got along Kirti and this guy started again with his R50. He went too bad to get me on my nerves before Akash and Shukla lost interest in our fight and stopped us from communicating. My bus pass date is out and I have travel from feeder from now on. Days of cost cutting are back. 
My ADA practical are not all right and I was worried about it, but not anymore. I am not doing the ADA file again. 
I woke up in the evening due to mosquitoes encircling me. I took the swatter and electrocuted few to ashes. It made noise and I was called out by uncle. He started with saying that I should not kill mosquitoes, I recanted this. The discussion went brutal with me adamant about killing mosquitoes because they are a problem.  uncle was left with no option but to become violent, in the drawing room he had tried to bend my fore-arm but failed, there were calls from babaji and the place of the fight changed. He said that I have to first accept blindly what is said. I denied to the very idea of it. He went mad. The discussion had started on light words in drawing room to physical violence in amma, babaji’s room. I said I could be answering him back whenever there is a need, and there was question of sort ‘look how he is replying, he would have hit out on us outside’. My answer was ‘thank god that I am not hitting out now’, that was my one big hit. There was heated discussion on my comment that there was never proper parental guidance. Chachi tried to get involved at many times but uncle kept her away, and during the early stage, the very first time when I had told her not to intervene, uncle had resolved for a slap. Prashant had come up on my ‘big hit’ to say to amma that she shouldn’t be supporting me. uncle sent him back. Anu and Srishti were sitting there, and weeping tears in astonishment. Srishti did try to stop me from taking the discussion forward but I wasn’t going to pay value to her words though I did give her enough attention. Second big hit was when babaji was talking and uncle talked in between standing by my side, I cried ‘I am listening to you’ at uncle. What next, you know. The discussion had stalled after sometime and I was in my room, there was phone call from Manju buaji in between the fight and now there was a door bell. It wasn’t Manju buaji because it was badi buaji. Shruti came to my room; I had to weep when badi buaji came too close to calm me over the shit that happened. The discussion began again. Shruti got me to pack my things up. In other room badi buaji was talking to them and I heard she told chachi that she shouldn’t be poisoning uncle’s ears, there was brawl over this but that settled because there was even more important one going on. uncle resolved to hit me even before badi buaji. Right from the beginning, in clear words, uncle wanted me quiet at all times like old times but we are a lot different now, I changed for good, and he worsened by beating of the time. When I got to the other room, uncle said that I should go with badi buaji, and he told badi buaji the same with confidence; that was tricky. He didn’t know that I had decided likewise in other room with Shruti. I had took out books, and packed the bag with things in drawer. I was making badi buaji count what I remember from recent past about uncle but she shut me up and told me that I should tell her those things at her place. Before leaving she made me touch the feet of everybody, and then we left with amma, Anu, and Srishti crying out the car window. Srishti told to call and talk to uncle at least once. Badu buaji lectured me a lot in the car, but once I was at her place it didn’t feel very different from my last stay here few days back. I hadn’t eaten anything since morning (I had chaat-pakoda before leaving Mayur Vihar), the four aloo-parantha(s) were still packed in my college lunch box. I couldn’t eat them all before abnormally filling myself up and having no choice but to leave the fourth parantha. I was worried about my personal diaries that uncle might destroy any time. I called Anu around 0000 and told her that I would be coming there between 0630 and 0700 in the morning. Actually badi buaji decided there that I wouldn’t be coming back to Mayur Vihar anytime before the exams are over, it was giving me tension, there is a lot in the diaries and I wouldn’t want it all to come out. IIT was discussed boldly during the discussion it was like every topic circled around it. I had to tell uncle that when he got into BHU it wasn’t IIT then. I made him count that he can’t call me ‘son of pork’ and when he accepted in pride that yes he did call me that, I told him to now correct the mistake he just realized. He said 3.5 lacs are nothing, I asked ‘why’, he said coaching institutions are nothing, I asked ‘why’. I got him agreed to the fact that first the solution to the problem will be given and then conditions and terms. He had given the before the idea that Anu and Srishti be shifted to replace me and Prxnt in that room, and I would be sent to the cabin in the balcony, and discussion had settled first time before the entry of badi buaji on this note. uncle was pointing to America and my dreams of hitting out on international exams like GRE to show that I am delusional, he call me angry and out of mind, but the way I would look into the eyes of people to scare them to death was way more than any words could convey. I can’t count the number of times I had given uncle the looks of Hannibal-Cannibal in his eyes, sending him direct message that he has no effect on me. Plus, I remember my statements like ‘I will remember this’ during one of earliest blows, and when I had lip-synched ‘you will get it back’ during another around in the last quarter. When he had tried coming up violent on me, chachi had tried her best to stop him but to no effect. I never got on to chachi; I knew where I was aiming at. He had called me failure from time to time during the discussion and I had to point to my previous results, he would point to my last two years at NIEC. I told them that I wasn’t living life with NIEC so it wasn’t a fair fight. I had show again and again that no matter what he says it is illogical and he himself can’t reason it. “Sky is the limit of everything”, this was the quote out of my mouth I had started with. uncle kept asking if I was going to teach them of limits now. Mine was impulsive but uncle is naturally retarded. He called me arrogant many times and where I was hitting out with punch lines, he was actually physical in hitting with not much to say but some very particular words, failure, arrogant, respect, and etc. 

God bless me
Ashish