2011-Apr-22

Index of Journals

April 22, 2011
In the morning I called Sonam back when I had cancelled my plans of going to the college on Saturday all so suddenly. She hadn’t called Parul yet, neither had she got any response from Nitish. I had to make a couple of calls from Sonam to Parul, then Sonam again and work was settled with communication in between them three. They all were coming tomorrow and getting the work finalized. Parul as usual slutty didn’t speak after picking the phone on first call and then picked the second time by the grace of god.
Badi buaji was here in the morning and right when I went to amma’s room to fresh-up badi buaji held me for various issues like not bathing, eating habits, and very recent, mosquito swatter. There was very brutal discussion, I cried in the end. Actually, I was just out of bed, I hadn’t cleared my eyes yet and there was a lot of dirt that just catalyzed the watering process of eyes. Otherwise, I didn’t have to be that weak. At one time, badi buaji called Babbu mentally weak because he didn’t listen to his parents, she blamed his disobedient nature towards his parents the reason why he is in the situation in which he is. That was funny, I had to protest. The next high was when babaji said I got JEE rank over 1lac that made the tears fall out, but not before I said, “thirty thousand, ninety percentile” and left for the bathroom. I came back from the bathroom to my room and Shruti was there and soon badi buaji was there. She tried to calm me down by promising me of the internet modem. I was feeling good inside about it. Later badi buaji made plans of taking me with her to her house, that was not on my mind but I didn’t say ‘no’ because I had work on internet and I have to finish project work.
We (badi buaji, Shruti, and I) went to Manju buaji’s house after this and there went on discussion about almost the same topic. They wanted to discuss my personal life. So, I unfolded about my relationships with people at home with one or two examples. I was on a high during the discussion and I had to look down on Manju buaji who thinks almost in the same way as amma do. I had to tell her to be realistic and logical; she would tell me things out of emotions, psychology, Jainism, morals, and ethics. I wanted materialistic things for my ears. I had to be really rude and unhealthy in way of talking at few at times while communicating with Manju buaji. That was bad, I know but I was on a high. I couldn’t understand why I had to be considered mentally weak for the actions of Sadhana (mom), Hem, and all, like the amount of terror Manju buaji was trying to generate while speaking of them. I considered it illogical and I just asked them to let me test them, but both were reluctant. There was a high when badi buaji asked what it would be when Sadhna will come and disturb me, would I be hitting her? I said, “Yes.” That surprised badi buaji. Then they were telling me of their doubts about what wrong I could do, drink, drug, girls, etc. Finally we settled when badi buaji said she got and she said she could summarize my story in single piece, i.e., “I need success at any cost.” It was surprising for me when both of them said they think of chachaji almost like how I do. I made them clear that I am not into Jainism and I only want to be independent. Badi buaji wouldn’t lecture me for going to temple and remembering god now on. She, too, only want me to study. I told them what mamaji had said ‘there are engineering colleges in every ten kilometers’, what photo shop worker had said ‘engineers have respect as that of prostitutes’, and what I think of myself that ‘I got flow better than any of my contemporaries, whether it be two up or two down’.
It was only 2330 when I settled myself in Shruti’s room; yes I got bed in Shruti’s room. Shruti, fufaji and buaji sleep together. Well, I am thinking if I should consider it untrue because holding hopes with anyone never results in sweet fruit. You have to be on your own. Badi buaji seemed skeptical about considering a purchase of modem soon, because I have internet here in fufaji’s office 24*7.
God bless me
Ashish