import pandas as pd
import numpy as np
import category_encoders as ce
from collections import Counter
import scipy.stats as ss
from copy import deepcopy
# https://github.com/ashishjain1547/PublicDatasets/blob/master/sales%20orders%20products%20promos%20custs%20emps%20(202112)/sales_data_sample.csv
df_sales = pd.read_csv('sales orders products promos custs emps (202112)/sales_data_sample.csv')
df_sales.head()
df_sales[['ADDRESSLINE1', 'CONTACTFIRSTNAME', 'PHONE', 'CITY', 'POSTALCODE']].head()
df_sales.corr()
df_sales_2 = df_sales[list(set(df_sales.columns) - set(df_sales.corr().columns))]
df_sales_2.head()
from category_encoders.ordinal import OrdinalEncoder
oe = OrdinalEncoder(drop_invariant=False, return_df=True)
df_sales_3 = df_sales_2[list(set(df_sales.columns) - set(df_sales.corr().columns))]
df_sales_3.head()
df_sales_3.columns
oe_var = oe.fit(df_sales_3)
df_coe = oe_var.transform(df_sales_3)
df_coe
Counter(df_sales_3['PRODUCTLINE'].values).most_common()
df_coe.corr()
df_coe.corr().loc[['ADDRESSLINE1', 'CONTACTFIRSTNAME', 'PHONE', 'CITY', 'POSTALCODE'],
['ADDRESSLINE1', 'CONTACTFIRSTNAME', 'PHONE', 'CITY', 'POSTALCODE']]
df_coe.corr(method='spearman').loc[['ADDRESSLINE1', 'CONTACTFIRSTNAME', 'PHONE', 'CITY', 'POSTALCODE'],
['ADDRESSLINE1', 'CONTACTFIRSTNAME', 'PHONE', 'CITY', 'POSTALCODE']]
Counter(df_sales_3['PRODUCTLINE'].values).most_common()
def cramers_v_original(confusion_matrix):
""" calculate Cramers V statistic for categorial-categorial association.
uses correction from Bergsma and Wicher,
Journal of the Korean Statistical Society 42 (2013): 323-328
"""
chi2 = ss.chi2_contingency(confusion_matrix)[0]
n = confusion_matrix.sum()
phi2 = chi2 / n
r, k = confusion_matrix.shape
phi2corr = max(0, phi2 - ((k-1)*(r-1))/(n-1))
rcorr = r - ((r-1)**2)/(n-1)
kcorr = k - ((k-1)**2)/(n-1)
return np.sqrt(phi2corr / min((kcorr-1), (rcorr-1)))
categorical_cols = ['ADDRESSLINE1', 'CONTACTFIRSTNAME', 'PHONE', 'CITY', 'POSTALCODE']
out_dict = {}
for i in categorical_cols:
out_dict[i] = []
for j in categorical_cols:
confusion_matrix = pd.crosstab(df_coe[j], df_coe[i]).values
#print('{:<25} {}'.format(i, round(cramers_v_original(confusion_matrix), 4)))
out_dict[i].append(round(cramers_v_original(confusion_matrix), 4))
df_rtn = pd.DataFrame(out_dict)
df_rtn.index = categorical_cols
df_rtn
categorical_cols = ['ADDRESSLINE1', 'CONTACTFIRSTNAME', 'PHONE', 'CITY', 'POSTALCODE']
out_dict = {}
for i in categorical_cols:
out_dict[i] = []
for j in categorical_cols:
confusion_matrix = pd.crosstab(df_sales_3[j], df_sales_3[i]).values
out_dict[i].append(round(cramers_v_original(confusion_matrix), 4))
df_rtn = pd.DataFrame(out_dict)
df_rtn.index = categorical_cols
df_rtn
df_fe = deepcopy(df_sales_3)
def get_freq(in_):
return pl_dict[in_]
for i2 in categorical_cols:
pl_mc = Counter(df_sales_3[i2].values).most_common()
pl_dict = {}
for i,j in enumerate(pl_mc):
pl_dict[j[0]] = i
df_fe[i2] = df_fe[i2].apply(get_freq)
df_fe = df_fe[categorical_cols]
from scipy.stats import chi2_contingency
chi2_dict = {}
for i in categorical_cols:
chi2_dict[i] = []
for j in categorical_cols:
obs = np.array([df_coe[i], df_coe[j]])
chi2_dict[i].append((round(chi2_contingency(obs)[0], 4), round(chi2_contingency(obs)[1], 4))) # chi2, p, dof, ex
chi2_df = pd.DataFrame(chi2_dict)
chi2_df.index = categorical_cols
chi2_dict_2 = {}
for i in categorical_cols:
chi2_dict_2[i] = []
for j in categorical_cols:
obs = np.array([df_coe[i], df_coe[j]])
chi2_dict_2[i].append((round(chi2_contingency(obs)[0], 6))) # chi2, p, dof, ex
chi2_dict_2 = pd.DataFrame(chi2_dict_2)
chi2_dict_2.index = categorical_cols
from sklearn.preprocessing import MinMaxScaler
scaler = MinMaxScaler(feature_range=(0,1))
scaler.fit(chi2_dict_2)
chi2_dict_2_scaled = scaler.transform(chi2_dict_2)
chi2_df_scaled = pd.DataFrame(data = (1 - chi2_dict_2_scaled),
index = categorical_cols,
columns = categorical_cols)
Thursday, December 2, 2021
Categorical encoding, correlation (numerical and cat), and chi-sq contingency Using Python
Wednesday, December 1, 2021
Tenzin Tibetan Spa (Dec 2021)
Index of Journals
Tenzin Tibetan Spa, MDC 5, Panchkula: Reception:Alley:
Myself:
Couple Room:
Jaccuzzi:
Jaccuzzi Room:
Roof lights in Jaccuzzi Room:
Single(s) Room:
Massage Therapist Thinley:
Tenzin Migtsam and Myself:
Monday, November 29, 2021
SSH setup on an Ubuntu-based two-node master-slave network
sshd (OpenSSH Daemon or server) is the daemon program for ssh client. It is a free and open source ssh server. ssh replaces insecure rlogin and rsh, and provide secure encrypted communications between two untrusted hosts over an insecure network such as the Internet. Ubuntu Desktop and minimal Ubuntu server do not come with sshd installed. 1. $ sudo apt-get install openssh-server 2. $ sudo apt-get install openssh-client We would run these on our two machines.Machine 1: master
master@master-VirtualBox:~$ hostname master-VirtualBox master@master-VirtualBox:~$ uname Linux master@master-VirtualBox:~$ uname -a Linux master-VirtualBox 5.13.0-21-generic #21-Ubuntu SMP Tue Oct 19 08:59:28 UTC 2021 x86_64 x86_64 x86_64 GNU/Linux master@master-VirtualBox:~$ cat /etc/hosts 192.168.100.5 slave-VirtualBox 192.168.100.4 master-VirtualBox master@master-VirtualBox:~$ ifconfig enp0s3: flags=4163<UP,BROADCAST,RUNNING,MULTICAST> mtu 1500 inet 192.168.100.4 netmask 255.255.255.0 broadcast 192.168.100.255 inet6 fe80::9c46:b732:6918:fb34 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x20<link> ether 08:00:27:ab:ba:4d txqueuelen 1000 (Ethernet) RX packets 5452 bytes 4579765 (4.5 MB) RX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 frame 0 TX packets 4973 bytes 1580656 (1.5 MB) TX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 carrier 0 collisions 0 lo: flags=73<UP,LOOPBACK,RUNNING> mtu 65536 inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 255.0.0.0 inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128 scopeid 0x10<host> loop txqueuelen 1000 (Local Loopback) RX packets 821 bytes 95012 (95.0 KB) RX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 frame 0 TX packets 821 bytes 95012 (95.0 KB) TX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 carrier 0 collisions 0 master@master-VirtualBox:~$ whoami masterMachine 2: slave
slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ hostname slave-VirtualBox slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ uname Linux slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ uname -a Linux slave-VirtualBox 5.13.0-21-generic #21-Ubuntu SMP Tue Oct 19 08:59:28 UTC 2021 x86_64 x86_64 x86_64 GNU/Linux slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ cat /etc/hosts 192.168.100.4 master-VirtualBox 192.168.100.5 slave-VirtualBox slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ifconfig enp0s3: flags=4163<UP,BROADCAST,RUNNING,MULTICAST> mtu 1500 inet 192.168.100.5 netmask 255.255.255.0 broadcast 192.168.100.255 inet6 fe80::ce9b:aad2:bc20:943a prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x20<link> ether 08:00:27:3d:96:40 txqueuelen 1000 (Ethernet) RX packets 1627 bytes 1564019 (1.5 MB) RX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 frame 0 TX packets 1116 bytes 124674 (124.6 KB) TX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 carrier 0 collisions 0 lo: flags=73<UP,LOOPBACK,RUNNING> mtu 65536 inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 255.0.0.0 inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128 scopeid 0x10<host> loop txqueuelen 1000 (Local Loopback) RX packets 234 bytes 21826 (21.8 KB) RX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 frame 0 TX packets 234 bytes 21826 (21.8 KB) TX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 carrier 0 collisions 0 slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ whoami slave slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ cat /etc/hostname slave-VirtualBox slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$Checking Connectivity Between Two Machines
Pinging Slave From Master
master@master-VirtualBox:~$ ping -c 3 192.168.100.5 PING 192.168.100.5 (192.168.100.5) 56(84) bytes of data. 64 bytes from 192.168.100.5: icmp_seq=1 ttl=64 time=0.482 ms 64 bytes from 192.168.100.5: icmp_seq=2 ttl=64 time=0.614 ms 64 bytes from 192.168.100.5: icmp_seq=3 ttl=64 time=0.542 ms --- 192.168.100.5 ping statistics --- 3 packets transmitted, 3 received, 0% packet loss, time 2034ms rtt min/avg/max/mdev = 0.482/0.546/0.614/0.053 msPinging Master From Slave
slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ping -c 4 192.168.100.4 PING 192.168.100.4 (192.168.100.4) 56(84) bytes of data. 64 bytes from 192.168.100.4: icmp_seq=1 ttl=64 time=0.550 ms 64 bytes from 192.168.100.4: icmp_seq=2 ttl=64 time=0.634 ms 64 bytes from 192.168.100.4: icmp_seq=3 ttl=64 time=0.716 ms 64 bytes from 192.168.100.4: icmp_seq=4 ttl=64 time=0.544 ms --- 192.168.100.4 ping statistics --- 4 packets transmitted, 4 received, 0% packet loss, time 3070ms rtt min/avg/max/mdev = 0.544/0.611/0.716/0.070 ms slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$SSH Setup On Slave
slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ sudo iptables -A INPUT -p tcp --dport ssh -j ACCEPT [sudo] password for slave: slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ssh-keygen -t rsa -f ~/.ssh/id_rsa -P "" Generating public/private rsa key pair. Created directory '/home/slave/.ssh'. Your identification has been saved in /home/slave/.ssh/id_rsa Your public key has been saved in /home/slave/.ssh/id_rsa.pub The key fingerprint is: SHA256:/yxMvEOLDQqL71s0afvlnDF5T9liMihniSinzXQmxH0 slave@slave-VirtualBox The key's randomart image is: +---[RSA 3072]----+ | | | | | | | . o | | B S.E | | .+ +.+++ o | | ..oB.=B@o+ = .| | . .O.=.BBB * . | | o=.o . +oo . | +----[SHA256]-----+ slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ls ~/.ssh/ id_rsa id_rsa.pubSSH Setup On Master
master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ sudo iptables -A INPUT -p tcp --dport ssh -j ACCEPT [sudo] password for master: master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ sudo ufw allow ssh [sudo] password for master: Rules updated Rules updated (v6) master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ ssh-keygen -t rsa -f ~/.ssh/id_rsa -P "" Generating public/private rsa key pair. Your identification has been saved in /home/master/.ssh/id_rsa Your public key has been saved in /home/master/.ssh/id_rsa.pub The key fingerprint is: SHA256:XJE706Wgy1CVQYvkG9ImPpPU61+BvTIFJL/XzcbIQxk master@master-VirtualBox The key's randomart image is: +---[RSA 3072]----+ | oo*+ E | | =.=+o .o | | +.B.=+ oo | | o.*.=+=o+ = | | =oS.oo= = =| | +o o o o | | . o o | | . + | | . | +----[SHA256]-----+ master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ ssh-copy-id -i ~/.ssh/id_rsa.pub slave@192.168.100.5 /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: Source of key(s) to be installed: "/home/master/.ssh/id_rsa.pub" The authenticity of host '192.168.100.5 (192.168.100.5)' can't be established. ECDSA key fingerprint is SHA256:fJ4WXjotryiK6Log/u8tHtwNiTpc16q/hcYPMeX0m3w. Are you sure you want to continue connecting (yes/no/[fingerprint])? yes /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: attempting to log in with the new key(s), to filter out any that are already installed /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: 1 key(s) remain to be installed -- if you are prompted now it is to install the new keys slave@192.168.100.5's password: Number of key(s) added: 1 Now try logging into the machine, with: "ssh 'slave@192.168.100.5'" and check to make sure that only the key(s) you wanted were added. master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$ ssh slave@192.168.100.5 Welcome to Ubuntu 21.10 (GNU/Linux 5.13.0-21-generic x86_64) * Documentation: https://help.ubuntu.com * Management: https://landscape.canonical.com * Support: https://ubuntu.com/advantage 37 updates can be applied immediately. To see these additional updates run: apt list --upgradable slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ exit logout Connection to 192.168.100.5 closed. master@master-VirtualBox:~/Desktop$Connecting with Master from Slave machine
slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ssh-copy-id -i ~/.ssh/id_rsa.pub master@192.168.100.4 /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: Source of key(s) to be installed: "/home/slave/.ssh/id_rsa.pub" The authenticity of host '192.168.100.4 (192.168.100.4)' can't be established. ECDSA key fingerprint is SHA256:x1sg2YzMK+8ITBSoH/7m1mc1gUOHmfazPd6DsGuL2kk. Are you sure you want to continue connecting (yes/no/[fingerprint])? yes /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: attempting to log in with the new key(s), to filter out any that are already installed /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: 1 key(s) remain to be installed -- if you are prompted now it is to install the new keys master@192.168.100.4's password: Number of key(s) added: 1 Now try logging into the machine, with: "ssh 'master@192.168.100.4'" and check to make sure that only the key(s) you wanted were added. slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ssh master@192.168.100.4 Welcome to Ubuntu 21.10 (GNU/Linux 5.13.0-21-generic x86_64) * Documentation: https://help.ubuntu.com * Management: https://landscape.canonical.com * Support: https://ubuntu.com/advantage 0 updates can be applied immediately. master@master-VirtualBox:~$ exit logout Connection to 192.168.100.4 closed. slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$Errors You Might Encounter On Slave If Above Steps Are Not Followed Properly:
slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ssh-copy-id -i ~/.ssh/id_rsa.pub master@master /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: Source of key(s) to be installed: "/home/slave/.ssh/id_rsa.pub" /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: attempting to log in with the new key(s), to filter out any that are already installed /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: ERROR: ssh: Could not resolve hostname master: Temporary failure in name resolution slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ssh-copy-id -i ~/.ssh/id_rsa.pub master@master-VirtualBox /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: Source of key(s) to be installed: "/home/slave/.ssh/id_rsa.pub" /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: attempting to log in with the new key(s), to filter out any that are already installed /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: ERROR: ssh: Could not resolve hostname master-virtualbox: Temporary failure in name resolution slave@slave-VirtualBox:~$ ssh-copy-id -i ~/.ssh/id_rsa.pub master@192.168.100.4 /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: Source of key(s) to be installed: "/home/slave/.ssh/id_rsa.pub" /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: INFO: attempting to log in with the new key(s), to filter out any that are already installed /usr/bin/ssh-copy-id: ERROR: ssh: connect to host 192.168.100.4 port 22: Connection refused
Sunday, November 28, 2021
Journal (2021-11-29)
Index of Journals
2021-Nov-11 (Afternoon)Gratitude
1. Anil Dahiya I am sharing my problems, my moments of happiness and troubles with him. 2. Sakshi Dahiya With whom am I able to spend my leisure time, lunch times and dinners. 3. Manmohan Singh and Balkishan Sharma Who helps me with any kind of facilities at work.Refelection
1. What went well? I was able to rejuvenate and relax yesterday, a Sunday. 2. What didn't go well? I had to demonstrate setting up of a Hadoop cluster with two nodes (master and slave) but I was not able to start the 'data nodes' on the slave machines due to some issue with the SSH. 3. What can be improved? Did not exercise. Need to be regular with exercises.Focus and Action
1. What I should stop doing? Over-thinking. 2. What I should start doing? Focusing a bit more on cleanliness and welcoming people into my life like Sakshi Dahiya and Shivani Gahlawat. I need start washing bedsheets more often. I also bought a bedsheet for double bed while being out in market with Shivani and Sakshi. 3. What I should continue doing? Reading, personal development and professional development.
Friday, November 26, 2021
Make Virtual Machines Talk to Each Other in VirtualBox
My VirtualBox version:So finally you have a Ubuntu-master machine running and an Ubuntu-slave machine running and both of them in VirtualBox. But they are not talking to each other. By default if you do not set-up a separate NAT network, they will both be NAT'ed. But they will be NAT'ed in isolated environment. For instance, I have got Ubuntu-master in one window. If I do an "ifconfig" and this is in VirtualBox. I see my IP address as 10.0.2.15. In the other Window, I have Ubuntu-slave and I see my ip address using "ifconfig" and it is 10.0.2.15. They both have the same address but they cannot talk to each other. 10.0.2.15 is the default address that virtual box assigns to any machine that is set up for NAT. If we want these two machines to talk to each other and be NAT'ed, we have to set up a separate new NAT network. Let's go to VirtualBox. Let's verify what we are discussing. Both of our VMs (two Ubuntu VMs) are set-up for NAT (which is default). Open VirtualBox Manager. Click on "Tools".
Click on "Prefrences".
Click on "Network".
Click on "Plus" sign to create new NAT network. They call it "NATNetwork".
Click on the gear icon to change the name to "TopGunNetwork" or "MyNATNetwork".
Address Space --> Network CIDR: 192.168.100.0/24 We certainly want to support the DHCP.
Next step is to add both Ubuntu-master and Ubuntu-slave to this new network. And they should be automatically assigned a new IP address in the 192.168.100.X space. I start with Ubuntu-master, I go to "Settings" of Kali.
I go to "Network". It says "Attached to:" -- "NAT" here. We are going to change its "Name" from the dropdown to "NAT Network" that was created by us a minute back.
Do the same thing for Ubuntu-slave machine.
Now, try doing "ifconfig" on Ubuntu-master: you get 192.168.100.4
master@master-VirtualBox:~$ ifconfig enp0s3: flags=4163<UP,BROADCAST,RUNNING,MULTICAST> mtu 1500 inet 192.168.100.4 netmask 255.255.255.0 broadcast 192.168.100.255 inet6 fe80::9c46:b732:6918:fb34 prefixlen 64 scopeid 0x20<link> ether 08:00:27:ab:ba:4d txqueuelen 1000 (Ethernet) RX packets 28322 bytes 21509883 (21.5 MB) RX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 frame 0 TX packets 21151 bytes 3096104 (3.0 MB) TX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 carrier 0 collisions 0 lo: flags=73<UP,LOOPBACK,RUNNING> mtu 65536 inet 127.0.0.1 netmask 255.0.0.0 inet6 ::1 prefixlen 128 scopeid 0x10<host> loop txqueuelen 1000 (Local Loopback) RX packets 16547 bytes 1408605 (1.4 MB) RX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 frame 0 TX packets 16547 bytes 1408605 (1.4 MB) TX errors 0 dropped 0 overruns 0 carrier 0 collisions 0 Ubuntu-slave becomes: 192.168.100.5
And trying pinging the machines from each other. You can also try and ping "google.com" and see that your internet access is also still there.
Wednesday, November 24, 2021
2011-Apr-14
Index of Journals
April 14, 2011 I am going to skip Prachi’s birthday or it could have been any event at buaji’s house. I will miss it, no point giving it a second thought. How can this woman comment on my results, and whom is she saying is sucking the bones of his old grandfather? There was time when I was friends with Smita. Those were the very tough days of my life. She looked friendly. I had been chewed up by everyone, everyone. She was still a friend, but of course, I had doubts on her intentions and I just didn’t treat her right. I may have been wrong, or may be right, that hardly does matter today. Babaji, chachi, and amma went to see the greater Noida house. After they came, I was in drawing room during tea time. I heard Manju buaji was coming. I was in my room when she came; I was ignoring her without any intention on mind. But when I was having dinner in drawing room, she came there to lecture me. I didn’t know that the result thing was in her mind. She asked why I was still failing when I had no other side job, or entrance exams going on. What the hell, she came here to lecture me! My new strategy to handle oversleeping problem: I make sure that I reward myself with enough sleep and rest before time so that I don’t mess up my time tables and schedules at any time later. It is going to be a full staying night today. I wasted my yesterday, but not today hopefully. God bless me Ashish
2011-Apr-13 (AIEEE Result Scans)
Index of Journals
April 13, 2011 It was Algorithms Design and Analysis exam today, and I didn’t do well. I overslept last night. I have been giving the same reason for all my failures for like two years now. Before the exam, I was with Nishant, Apurv and Gaurav and it was surprising how these fools were making fun of me on my face, they were acting like rejecting me, like I stand nowhere in between them. I placed the various Graph Algorithms in the toilet and picked on other topics to study; anyhow neither the Graph algorithms nor what I studied came, except a few lucky hits due to which I might pass. I am making a total of around 14 marks and if everything goes well I may get 13. I was very sad. I am very sad about today. I got previous years question papers from Vishal and his Rajendra, they are charging me R22 for that, and I am going to treat them nicely for any future help. Well, the question papers given by them just forced me to clean my drawers and that was good, I needed to do that, I am running out of place. Prxnt has been forcing himself into my life; I don’t belong to this place or anyone here anymore. I took pictures of my belongings I had to throw away during the process. Admit cards from various engineering colleges, IIT, AIEEE, DTU, BITS, and all, there was my report card of AIEEE exam. I took photo of it and threw that away. I was at my best in those days, a ninety percentile result was worth recognition, and look at me today. AIEEE Result Pg 1:AIEEE Result Pg 2:Can’t believe I did this to me. I took pictures of other things I had to throw away. They were remembering of my lost past. I put before babaji my need for a separate room. I don’t know what will happen, but I had to do my part. God bless me Ashish
2011-Apr-12
Index of Journals
April 12, 2011 Why didn’t I say what is truth yesterday when they were asking me about the circumstances I am into? That was creepy if that was the plan. Okay, chachaji had asked me about results and then babaji pulled it through to the drawing room. Before leaving the room he had asked that when he left nothing to do of his part then why I didn’t give I had to, don’t I see his circumstances? I asked him don’t he see my circumstances? He asked, “What circumstances I was talking about?” I had to tell him the answer, a sort of public declaration but I just took steps away saying I need to go study. He repeated the question and I said, “You don’t let me study”. Now I wonder if I was framed, if the scene was framed, if chachaji just wanted to show that I don’t have anything on my mind real and reasonable than just crap which I can’t unleash in public. But that is not the thing, had I started to make them count the circumstances than I would have to start from person to person and that would have become a show, a day-and-night show. I didn’t want that, I don’t want anything from this family, just that I could walk away that would be great. I just want to move out, to a free world. I don’t want to get into any kind of discussion with chachaji if that would result in me staying in this place. No way, I want separation and that is the thing. And, I guess, for that I will have to walk out empty handed, no matter what, chachaji is money-minded, crap things go in his mind, he is like he can’t see anyone rising above him in his home. He doesn’t want that, I don’t want that either, this man is better dead, and I don’t have anything to do with the family that I would take his animal-down-line with me. It has to be me alone, sooner or later. 2352: I was asleep the afternoon and I had written it in the morning, I almost forgot I had started the entry right with the first creepy thought about the creepiest person I ever had in my life. I need to stop thinking about USA. That is just a blurred image in my mind I don’t even seem to have started a run after. And the run can never be started until uncle is around. He can’t see anyone rise, he don’t want people to go after money, the only real and true thing in this materialistic world, when he himself is running after no other thing hiding under the veil of Jainism. That’s bullshit. I need to be realistic with my plans, my dreams, my wishes; I leave uncle aside ignoring the fact that this man will never stop playing games with my life and he was never too far. He may have gone away but until and unless he and I share a direct or indirect link (like via Rekha buaji, or like how he had played babaji on me yesterday) I am vulnerable to attack. He is a very dangerous man. I have to be fucking careful. I need to be real. I am never chasing the American dream blindly again. One way, I can get there is by giving entrance exams for higher education in America. Still, I need to concentrate on my Undergraduate results because they form a part of the criteria for admission. I have that in mind. I never thought of other ways, because they have nothing to do with BTech. I don’t see any scope of catching back soon with other nerds at college, my life at home has killed the student in me. Thing that hurts me the most is that I have no one to go and explain myself without asking for pity. It is not fair; I am not being fair with myself while setting up such high standards of achievements which don’t look far, but impossible. What if I don’t get out this place successful? What if uncle never let me come out of this cage? What if lose everything in the search for fresh air? I will concentrate on my Under-graduation. No matter what result will come; I am capable enough to start a life afresh with the little I will have without anyone else’s help. I have enough aptitude and endurance to have a run without BTech degree in hand, Bill Gated didn’t go to Harvard to find Microsoft. Steve Jobs didn’t go to college to take lessons on how to find Apple. Sean Parker, he didn’t undergraduate. Both the list and the representatives’ worth are countless. I know English, I know Computers, I have been through JEE twice in two years, and that instills in me enough experience about the exam. I am very capable; I just need to have a Run. God bless me Ashish
2011-Apr-11
Index of Journals
April 11, 2011 The day was fast, I just didn’t have a moment to analyze my state. It was exam in the morning. I had not slept since last afternoon. My eyes were tired, way too tired but I had to study. I went to library. I couldn’t have gone to other classmates because of course the discussion would be about results and I didn’t want that. I studied in the library and I was feeling lonely, I thought I needed someone around for a while now. I went into the reading room and there it was that guy Nishant. He looks like a nerd, a loner. I went to him and we discussed the question papers to revise the syllabus for a while now. That was helpful to the psyche but not for the exam. Nothing was that sort was asked, I had question papers and I thought I could predict the question paper, but not all the obvious things came. The format was changed and it came as a shock. But still paper had quite a lot for me to do. I wish I get above 15 this time (MM 30). After the exam I got Sonam to get her OS notes and that was good. I hadn’t thought of a positive response after the conversation-in-between-network-problems we had last night in which I kept saying hello for 20 seconds and then she hung up. I got Arushi’s number and she said she might help me by her second semester physics notes. That was cool! Sonam got the SE project work done from her part, and now Parul will carry on with DFDs. I went to Prashant sir and it was an okay meeting with see him for the first time since when I can’t remember. I had a doubt and answer to it was simple, only after he disclosed it. He reminded me of Open Book Test. That was cool! I liked that. Erstwhile, I saw Gareema ma’am in first floor. She was there for work in net lab. I didn’t wish even after we had closed on to each other’s sight once. And she was looking on to me, I ignored that but then jerked my neck back to give a questioning look like ‘What are you looking at, huh’. I am glad she was looking away this time. Huh, I need her of course; I don’t know why I am always in trouble. At home Ankur was there and my mark sheet was disclosed, I don’t think it was him. Well I got 61.2 percent and that’s okay as for now, I need to work harder. This time we got a new topper, Kawal Jeet of second section. He got 87.4 percent and Arushi has 86.6 percent marks. Ankur was here till 2200 and I was sleeping through the evening, so my day starts now. God bless me Ashish
2011-Apr-10
Index of Journals
April 10, 2011 The day was fine. I was just trying to keep up to SE book but that was not fair. I just cleared a few things around me like my phone memory, my old notebooks, diaries off their used pages (digitalizing them) etc. It was JEE today. I was busy with myself so didn’t have much thoughts about it. But it seems from Prashant’s paper that the kid has done something in the paper, the rest will be told by the result only. Now, my phone calls are charged at Rs 1 per minute. That’s creepy! I called Ankur for help but he knew less. Okay, I noticed the problem when I called Sonam for the third time and this time she picked up the phone and kept pretending that she wasn’t hearing anything, I tried to stay on the line but the creature cut down the call after twenty seconds. I was charged one rupee for this; that was too much for that conversation. God bless me Ashish
Journal (2011-Apr-5, Unsent Letter to Rashmi and Smita)
Index of Journals
An unsent letter: (Dated 5 April ‘11) Dear Rashmi & Smita I take this opportunity to write you guys this letter. I heard of Rashmi finishing her school this year. That makes six of us with Shruti and Rashmi adding to it, welcome to the party. Ankur and Anu have already lined up for getting paid. I still have two years left to join the club of elite. Well, getting paid is not what I want. I am more interested in post graduation. What are your plans for the times ahead? Alright, it is better earlier than late, so I make it sure that I do not miss the eighth of April. Happy Birthday! -Ashish Jain
April 09, 2011
Index of Journals
April 9, 2011 Anna Hazare fasted unto death demanding enactment of a strong Anti Corruption Law from 5th April 2011 at Jantar Mantar. At 78, Anna is not fasting for him own; he is fasting for the future of our children. Today the government has inclined to talk on his proposals. He broke his fast at 1030. This movement was neither affiliated nor aligned to any political party. And it had taken whole nation to stand as one against the government, not just high rank officers, businessmen, politicians, film stars, and cricketers. Last time when Anna sat on fast: - 6 corrupt ministers in Maharashtra had to resign - 400 corrupt officers were dismissed from job - 2002: Maharashtra RTI Act was passed - 2006: Central Government withdrew its proposal to amend Central RTI Act. God, I still can’t believe that Gareema ma’am gave me 14 in internals (Data Structures). 14 are no marks, shameful number. I feel like sodomizing that woman and then sending her into vegetative state for life, I want to make all her fears come true, the fears which she had felt when I was down and needed to see her for help. She got discipline committee to look over my actions. I thought I must have impressed her by my flow, but it worked in exactly the opposite manner on her. She should be dead. But, one thing I want to convince is that I failed in DS because of my own less effort in theory. I could have passed the exam had I been a little more with the subject, and by scoring in externals. Huh, whatever! I was snoozing through the day till three in the afternoon, that’s when I woke up to have lunch. It was because I was awake last night. I then finished watching movie ‘TERE BIN LADEN’ that’s about a Pakistani America-dreamer, genre was comedy. Just look at the height of shamelessness! It is Joint Entrance Exam tomorrow, which marks the first anniversary of my two-year long struggle. I moved out at 2330 when I noticed that the dog couldn’t sleep after half an hour of wait. God bless me Ashish
April 8, 2011
Index of Journals
April 8, 2011 It didn’t have to be that hard to forget Rashmi’s and Smita’s birthday. I had been thinking the girls but I knew I was right, both logically and philosophically, to miss their birthday. I need to cut contacts from this family because it has never been a part of my success but has caused failure more than enough times. It is enough. Anu got good results in her CPT group tests and she was going to get called big companies for article-ship. Anu wants to go there, work with them, they will pay good amount somewhere like Rs 15000 per month. Nobody but this family is opposed to that. Uncle says that she would not get time to study. Amma says that they free the interns from work very late. Babaji is just humming the mixed tunes of amma and uncle. Badi buaji was here to advocate for Anu. Buaji think that Anu should go for the job. She was tried her best to make others convince of what Anu, badi buaji, and Ankur think, but there is a deeper thing to discover than just the benefit of Anu that is there in vicious uncle’s mind. Is the money, is the independence, is the sort of power, the status that Anu will get once has an earning hand? I don’t trust this man, nor should anybody else. Last night around 1 am, I had planned to go to bed and get up around 3 am to study again. But Prashant didn’t let me sleep. He was changing fan speed, changing light in the room, was making noises from his throat like clearing heavy mucus stuck in his throat. What the hell was that? It was only around 1:48 that I gave up waiting for peace and put music on repeat on phone, lying near by it, showing no concern for whoever was doing what in the room. ‘Umbrella’ was playing the second time when the guy jumped out the bed and rushed out. By the time he was back with his father I had shut down the phone again after the completion of the track. He said, “He must have shut it down only after hearing us coming”, then his father asks for the time and he leaves. That was a scene. I was thinking only about it before going to bed. In the morning the donkey said nothing, I wasn’t anticipating that. There was fuss about me not bathing since four days and on, but that was nothing in comparison to heavy discussion I was setting my brain up for. Badi buaji is kind of avoiding me. That’s fine by me. I remember she had taken my name as a bad example in the talks in the afternoon. I was hearing from my room, inevitably. I hear this religious music playing all the time on uncle’s laptop. What is this, what is on his mind? Am I or the others are crazy? No matter what, but this family surely is. Jainism is nothing what these people do or talk or whatever. God bless me Ashish
Tuesday, November 23, 2021
Journal (2021-Nov-23)
Index of Journals
23 Nov, 2021 (Tuesday) Time: AfternoonGratitude Journal
Person 1: Mother For being there in helping with the rental business. Person 2: Anu For being there when I needed to talk to her regarding a match for marriage. Person 3: Sachin Kumar For being there as a friend and mentor, when I needed to discuss about regarding my issues about finding a match for marriage. - - -Reflection
Q1: What went well? A1: I took my project calls in a timely manner. Q2: What didn't go well? A2: I need to start regular exercise to control my weight. I have a belly as of today. Q3: What can we improve? A3: We need to start with regular exercises. - - -
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