Gate Drama, Late Thoughts, and the Elusive Idea of Success (2025-May-17 Evening)

Other Journaling Days

It started with a simple call.

Mahi was at the main gate, and the guard had asked her which flat she came from. She called me, a bit flustered. “What was your flat number, uncle, I forgot?” she asked. I said 'no problem', then told her to hand the phone to the guard at the exit.

I heard a voice mutter, “Yeh H2503 kiska hai?” And then, just like that, they let her through.

But something about it lingered.

Should I have told the guards earlier that Mahi is my niece—bhatiji? Would that have made things simpler? Why didn’t she just tell them herself that she had come to see her chacha? Why did this tiny situation trigger such unease in me?

And then my thoughts spiraled. I found myself questioning Moni’s decision to take Mahi to the temple. Was it even necessary? What if something had gone wrong at the gate? What if Moni returns and blames me—for not doing more, for not handling it better?

In my mind, I was already labeled: a loser, a coward. And Moni? Careless, laparwah.

But then, both Mahi and Moni returned. No drama. No tension. Just calm. The storm had only existed in my head.

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I went to bed early that night, around 9:10 PM. Slept nearly 11.5 hours. Maybe my mind needed the rest. It was 11:07 AM when I finally sat down to reflect, prompted by a video: “Is Wealth the Problem? – Buddha’s Teaching on Success and Wealth.”

It stirred something deeper.

What am I chasing? What does success mean to me?

Honestly, I think I’m chasing peace. And the money? It's more about paying off debts than it is about greed. I don’t want riches—I want relief. I want space to breathe.

Do I want to be successful? Yes. But not with passion. Just as a vague checkbox. Because success, to me, has no clear definition. I don't know who is truly successful. I only see the superficial markers—cars, money, homes.

Do I equate money with success? Not really. Maybe 20% of me does. But I know, deep down, that money isn't everything.

Still, I’m left with the biggest question: What does success mean to me?

I don’t know yet. But I know this—it’s not happiness.

Namo Buddhaye.