There are two kinds of people in this life: Those who walk into a room and say, “Well, here I am!” And those who walk in and say, “Ahh, there you are.” Dale Carnegie Was GREAT for the Twentieth Century, but This Is the Twenty-First Reason One: Suppose a sage told you, “When in China, speak Chinese,” but gave you no language lessons? Dale Carnegie and many communications experts are like that sage. They tell us what to do but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticated world, it’s not enough to say “smile” or “give sincere compliments.” Cynical businesspeople today see more subtleties in your smile, more complexities in your compliment. Reason Two: The world is a very different place than it was in 1936, and we need a new formula for success. To find it, I observed the superstars of today. I explored techniques used by top salespeople to close the sale, speakers to convince, clergy to convert, performers to engross, sex symbols to seduce, and athletes to win. I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their success. Then I broke them down into easily digestible, news-you-can-use techniques. I gave each a name that will quickly come to mind when you find yourself in a communications conundrum. Part One: How to Intrigue Everyone Without Saying a Word: You Only Have Ten Seconds to Show You’re a Somebody CH 1. How to Make Your Smile Magically Different In 1936, one of Dale Carnegie’s six musts in How to Win Friends and Influence People was SMILE! How to Fine-Tune Your Smile Technique #1 The Flooding Smile Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them. CH 2. How to Strike Everyone as Intelligent and Insightful by Using Your Eyes A Boston center conducted a study to learn the precise effect. The researchers asked opposite-sex individuals to have a twominute casual conversation. They tricked half their subjects into maintaining intense eye contact by directing them to count the number of times their partner blinked. They gave the other half of the subjects no special eye-contact directions for the chat. When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspecting blinkers reported significantly higher feelings of respect and fondness for their colleagues who, unbeknownst to them, had simply been counting their blinks. Make Your Eyes Look Even More Intelligent Technique #2 Sticky Eyes Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks. CH 3. How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You Technique #3 Epoxy Eyes This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact. CH 4. How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go Your Posture Is Your Biggest Success Barometer Technique #4 Hang by Your Teeth Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position. CH 5. How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their "Inner Infant" You’re on Trial—and You Only Have Ten Seconds Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, “Well, how do you like me so far?” Treat People Like Big Babies Technique #5 The Big-Baby Pivot Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I think you are very, very special.” CH 6. How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once A very wise man with the funny name of Zig once told me, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care . . . about them.” Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them! How to Trick Your Body into Doing Everything Right Technique #6 Hello Old Friend When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend! The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and everything between. Not a Word Need Be Spoken The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. CH 7. How to Come Across as 100 Percent Credible to Everyone When the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place. When that happens, the individual might fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the polygraph. Beware of the Appearance of Lying— Even When You’re Telling the Truth Technique #7 Limit the Fidget Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing. CH 8. ow to Read People Like You Have ESP ESP: Extrasensory perception or ESP, also called sixth sense, includes claimed reception of information not gained through the recognized physical senses, but sensed with the mind. Technique #8 Hans’s Horse Sense Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly. If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense. CH 9. How to Make Sure You Don’t Miss a Single Beat Technique #9 Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SEE yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically. PART TWO: HOW TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY AFTER YOU SAY “HI” Is Small-Talk-a-Phobia Curable? CH 10. How to Start Great Small Talk Matching Their Mood Can Make or Break the Sale Technique #10 Make a Mood Match Before opening your mouth, take a “voice sample” of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a “psychic photograph” of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment. CH 11. How to Sound Like You’ve Got a Super Personality (No Matter What You’re Saying!) “What’s a Good Opening Line When I Meet People?” Why Banal Makes a Bond Ascent from Banality Technique #11 Prosaic with Passion Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80 percent of your listener’s impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting. “Anything, Except Liverwurst!” Here’s my “anything, except liverwurst” on small talk. Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or unpleasant. CH 12. How to Make People Want to Start a Conversation with You The Whatzit Way to Love Your Whatzit is a social aid whether you seek business rewards or new romance. My friend Alexander carries Greek worry beads with him wherever he goes. He’s not worried. He knows any woman who wants to talk to him will come up and say, “What’s that?” Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose you’re at a party. An attractive woman spots you across the room. She wants to talk to you but she’s thinking, “Well, Mister, you’re attractive. But, golly, what can I say to you? You just ain’t got no Whatzit.” Be a Whatzit Seeker, Too Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish to approach. Why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon’s vest pocket, the brooch on the bosom of the rich divorcée, or the school ring on the finger of the CEO whose company you want to work for? The big spender who, you suspect, might buy a hundred of your widgets has a tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your attractive lapel pin. Are you a golfer? Me, too. What courses have you played?” Your business cards and your Whatzit are crucial socializing artifacts. Whether you are riding in the elevator, climbing the doorstep, or traversing the path to the party, make sure your Whatzit is hanging out for all to see. Technique #12 Always Wear a Whatzit Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your . . . what IS that?” CH 13. How to Meet the People You Want to Meet Technique #13 Whoozat Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by nonpoliticians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers. CH 14. How to Break into a Tight Crowd Technique #14 Eavesdrop In No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear. . . .” Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it? Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely! CH 15. How to Make “Where Are You From?” Sound Exciting Technique #15 Never the Naked City Whenever someone asks you the inevitable, “And where are you from?” never, ever, unfairly challenge their powers of imagination with a one-word answer. Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that conversational partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist. Different Bait for Shrimp or Sharks Where do you get your conversational bait? Start by phoning the chamber of commerce or historical society of your town. Search the World Wide Web and click on your town, or open an old-fashioned encyclopedia—all rich sources for future stimulating conversations. Learn some history, geography, business statistics, or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends’ funny bones. CH 16. How to Come Out a Winner Every Time They Ask, “And What Do You Do?” Technique #16 Never the Naked Job When asked the inevitable “And what do you do,” you may think “I’m an economist/an educator/an engineer” is giving enough information to engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist, educator, or an engineer, you might as well be saying “I’m a paleontologist/psychoanalyst/pornographer.” Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves, preferring the snacks back at the cheese tray. Painful Memories of Naked Job Flashers Just last month a new acquaintance bragged, “I’m planning to teach Tibetan Buddhism at Truckee Meadows Community College,” and then clammed up. I knew less about Truckee Meadows than I did about Tibetan Buddhism. Whenever people ask you what you do, give them some mouth-to-ear resuscitation so they can catch their breath and say something. CH 17. How to Introduce People Like the Host(ess) with the Most(est) Technique #17 Never the Naked Introduction When introducing people, don’t throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you’re free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity. CH 18. How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation Be a Sleuth on Their Slips of the Tongue Technique #18 Be a Word Detective Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject that’s hot for the other person. CH 19. How to Enthrall ’Em with Your Choice of Topic—Them! Sell Yourself with a Top Sales Technique Several months ago at a speaker’s convention, I was talking with a colleague Brian Tracy. Brian does a brilliant job of training top salespeople. He tells his students of a giant spotlight that, when shining on their product, is not as interesting to the prospect. When they shine the spotlight on the prospect, they make the sale. Salespeople, this technique is especially crucial for you. Keep your “Swiveling Spotlight” aimed away from you, only lightly on your product, and most brightly on your buyer. You’ll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product. Technique #19 The Swiveling Spotlight When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking, it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you. CH 20. How to Never Need to Wonder, “What Do I Say Next?” Technique #20 Parroting Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen. CH 21. How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!) “Tell ’Em About the Time You...” Play It Again, Sam Technique #21 Encore! The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is “Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it again!” The sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people is “Tell them about the time you . . .” Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance. CH 22. How to Come Across as a Positive Person Technique #22 Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive When first meeting someone, lock your closet door andsave your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to “ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive. CH 23. How to Always Have Something Interesting to Say Technique #23 The Latest News . . . Don’t Leave Home Without It The last move to make before leaving for the party— even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face. PART THREE: HOW TO TALK LIKE A VIP Be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau’s recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good communications skills and attitude way over education, experiCopyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.ence, and training. But they know communications skills get people to the top. Thus, by observing each other carefully during casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident to both which is the bigger cat in the human jungle. CH 24. How to Find Out What They Do (Without Even Asking!) Technique #24 What Do You Do—NOT! A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.) The Right Way to Find Out So how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought you’d never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words. All together now: “How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . . of . . . your . . . time? CH 25. How to Know What to Say When They Ask, “What DoYou Do?" To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal résumé with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent “What do you do?” prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every time someone asks about your job, give a calculated oral résumé in a nutshell. Before you submit your answer, consider what possible interest the asker could have in you and your work. “Here’s How My Life Can Benefit Yours" For example, here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax return: Real estate agent Financial planner Martial arts instructor Cosmetic surgeon Hairdresser Any practitioner of the above professions should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some benefit or you wouldn’t get paid to do it.) The advice to the folks above is: Don’t say “real estate agent.” Say “I help people moving into our area find the right home.” Don’t say “financial planner.” Say “I help people plan their financial future.” Don’t say “martial arts instructor.” Say “I help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts.” Don’t say “cosmetic surgeon.” Say “I reconstruct people’s faces after disfiguring accidents.” (Or, if you’re talking with a woman “of a certain age,” as the French so gracefully say, tell her, “I help people to look as young as they feel through cosmetic surgery.”) Don’t say “hairdresser.” Say “I help a woman find the right hairstyle for her particular face.” (Go, Gloria!) A Nutshell Résumé for Your Private Life The Nutshell Résumé works in nonbusiness situations, too. Since the new acquaintances will always ask you about yourself, prepare a few exciting stock answers. When meeting a potential friend or loved one, make your life sound like you will be a fun person to know. Technique #25 The Nutshell Résumé Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written résumé off their printers for each position they’re applying for, let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to “What do you do?” ask yourself, “What possible interest could this person have in my answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me? Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?” Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks. CH 26. How to Sound Even Smarter Than You Are The startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words! You don’t need much to sound like a big winner. A mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have an original and creative mind. Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with impossible British accents. You don’t need to learn two-dollar words that your grandmother, if she heard, would wash out of your mouth with soap. All you need to do is think of a few tired, overworked words you use every day—words like smart, nice, pretty, or good. Then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf. Look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day. Examine your long list of alternatives. For example, if you turn to the word smart, you’ll find dozens of synonyms. Some words are colorful and rich like ingenious, resourceful, adroit, shrewd, and many more. Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit your personality? Which ones seem right for you? Try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary. The next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say, you’ll be purring “Oh, that was so clever of you.” “My how resourceful.” “That was ingenious.” Or maybe, "How astute of you." And Now, for Men Only During my seminars, to help men avoid doing mistake of sounding trite, I ask every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great. Then I bring up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment. “Darla,” one says, “you look elegant.” “Ooh!” Every woman in the room sighs. “Darla,” says another, taking her hand, “you look stunning.” “Ooh!” Every woman in the room swoons. “Darla,” says the third, putting her hand between his, “you look ravishing.” “Ooooh!” By now every woman in the room has gone limp. Pay attention men! Words work on us women. More Unisex Suggestions Suppose you’ve been at a party and it was wonderful. Don’t tell the hosts it was wonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superb party, an extraordinary party. Hug the hosts and tell them you had a magnificent time, a remarkable time, a glorious time. Technique #26 Your Personal Thesaurus Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements. Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite. CH 27. How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity) Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch. Above all, you don’t want to sound anxious to have rapport. Technique #27 Kill the Quick “Me, Too!” Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger. P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky. CH 28. How to Be a “You Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection “SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . ” Two-bit comics have been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal. However, big winners know there’s a three-letter word more potent then SEX to get people’s attention. That word is YOU. Comm-YOU-nicate When You Want a Favor Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when you’re asking a favor, because it pushes the asker’s pride button. Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively? “Can I take Friday off, Boss?” Or this one: “Boss, can you do without me Friday?” Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gentlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer feelings? The woman who says, “I like your suit.” Or the one who says, “You look great in that suit.” Technique #28 Comm-YOU-nication Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into “me” terms. When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice. Comm-YOU-nication Is a Sign of Sanity Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I and me twelve times more often than residents of the outside world. As patients’ conditions improve, the number of times they use the personal pronouns also diminishes. Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use I, the more sane you seem to your listeners. If you eavesdrop on big winners talking with each other, you’ll notice a lot more you than I in their conversation. CH 29. How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at Just Anybody” How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at Just Anybody” Technique #29 The Exclusive Smile If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face. If one person in a group is more important to you than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for him or her. CH 30. How to Avoid Sounding Like a Jerk Technique #30 Don’t Touch a Cliché with a Ten-Foot Pole Be on guard. Don’t use any clichés when chatting with big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob. Instead of coughing up a cliché, roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique. CH 31. How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation A Gem for Every Occasion If stirring words help make your point, ponder the impact of powerful phrases. They’ve helped politicians get elected (“Read my lips: no new taxes.”) and defendants get acquitted (“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”). If George H. W. Bush had said, “I promise not to raise taxes,” or Johnny Cochran, during O. J. Simpson’s criminal trial, had said, “If the glove doesn’t fit, he must be innocent,” their bulky sentences would have slipped in and out of the voter’s or juror’s consciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neat phrases make powerful weapons. (If you’re not careful, your enemies will later use them against you—read my lips!) One of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named Barry Farber who brightens up late-night radio with sparkling similes. Barry would never use a cliché like “nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof.” He’d describe being nervous about losing his job as “I felt like an elephant dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy.” Instead of saying he looked at a pretty woman, he’d say, “My eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve.” When I first met him, I asked, “Mr. Farber, how do you come up with these phrases?” “My daddy’s Mr. Farber. I’m Barry,” he chided (his way of saying, “Call me Barry”). He then candidly admitted, although some of his phrases are original, many are borrowed. (Elvis Presley used to say, “My daddy’s Mr. Presley. Call me Elvis.”) Like all professional speakers, Barry spends several hours a week gleaning through books of quotations and humor. All professional speakers do. They collect bon mots they can use in a variety of situations— most especially to scrape egg off their faces when something unexpected happens. Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s face-saver lines from her book, What to Say When You’re Dying on the Platform.16 If you tell a joke and no one laughs, try “That joke was designed to get a silent laugh—and it worked.” If the microphone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, “I don’t understand. I brushed my teeth this morning.” If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, “Could you save that question until I’m finished—and well on my way home?” All pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines. You can do the same. Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations. Instead of “happy as a lark” try “happy as a lottery winner” or “happy as a baby with its first ice cream cone.” Instead of “bald as an eagle,” try “bald as a new marine” or “bald as a bullfrog’s belly.” Instead of “quiet as a mouse,” try “quiet as an eel swimming in oil” or “quiet as a fly lighting on a feather duster.” Find phrases that have visual impact. Instead of a cliché like “sure as death and taxes,” try “as certain as beach traffic in July” or “as sure as your shadow will follow you.” Your listeners can’t see death or taxes. But they sure can see beach traffic in July or their shadow following them down the street. Try to make your similes relate to the situation. If you’re riding in a taxi with someone, “as sure as that taxi meter will rise” has immediate impact. If you’re talking with a man walking his dog, “as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree” adds a touch of humor. Make ’Em Laugh, Make ’Em Laugh, Make ’Em Laugh Humor enriches any conversation. But not jokes starting with, “Hey didja hear the one about . . . ?” Plan your humor and make it relevant. For example, if you’re going to a meeting on the budget, look up money in a quotation book. In an uptight business situation, a little levity shows you’re at ease. Technique #31 Use Jawsmith’s Jive Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing your family, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the same skills. Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones. Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable. Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’em funny. Above all, make ’em relevant. CH 32. How to Banter Like the Big Shots Do (Big Winners Tell It Like It Is) Technique #32 Call a Spade a Spade Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’t mean big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five- and six-letter ones exist. They’ve simply learned the King’s English, and they speak it. Here’s another way to tell the big players from the little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation. CH 33. How to Avoid the World’s Worst Conversational Habit Technique #33 Trash the Teasing A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws. Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense. You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly. CH 34. How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have Them Like You All the More) Technique #34 It’s the Receiver’s Ball A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind. Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it. CH 35. How to Respond When You Don’t Want to Answer (and Wish They’d Shut the Heck Up) Technique #35 The Broken Record Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off. CH 36. How to Talk to a Celebrity “I Love What You Used to Be [You Has-Been]” Another sensitivity: the film star is probably obsessed with his last film, the politician with her last election, a corporate mogul with his last takeover, an author with her last novel—and so forth. So when discussing the star’s, the politician’s, the mogul’s, the author’s, or any VIP’s work, try to keep your comments to current or recent work. Telling Woody Allen how much you loved his 1980 film Stardust Memories would not endear you to him. “What about all my wonderful films since?” thinks he. Stick to the present or very recent past if possible. Technique #36 Big Shots Don’t Slobber People who are VIPs in their own right don’t slobber over celebrities. When you are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how much pleasure or insight it’s given you. If you do single out any one of the star’s accomplishments, make sure it’s a recent one, not a memory that’s getting yellow in her scrapbook. If the queen bee has a drone sitting with her, find a way to involve him in the conversation. CH 37. How to Make Them Want to Thank You Whenever the occasion warrants more than an unconscious acknowledgment, dress up your “thank you” with the reason: Thank you for coming. Thank you for being so understanding. Thank you for waiting. Thank you for being such a good customer. Thank you for being so loving. Technique #37 Never the Naked Thank You Never let the phrase “thank you” stand alone. From A to Z, always follow it with for: from “Thank you for asking” to "Thank you for zipping me up." PART FOUR: HOW TO BE AN INSIDER IN ANY CROWD: WHAT ARE THEY ALL TALKING ABOUT? What Are They All Talking About? CH 38. How to Be a Modern-Day Renaissance Man or Woman Go Fly a Kite! Scramble Therapy is, quite simply, scrambling up your life and participating in an activity you’d never think of indulging in. Just one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your pattern. Do you usually play tennis on weekends? This weekend, go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? This weekend, take a tennis lesson. Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies this time. Instead, go white-water rafting. Oh, you were planning on running some rapids like you do every warm weekend? Forget it, go bowling. Technique #38 Scramble Therapy Once a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream of doing. Participate in a sport, go to an exhibition, hear a lecture on something totally out of your experience. You get 80 percent of the right lingo and insider questions from just one exposure. CH 39. How to Sound Like You Know All About Their Job or Hobby Every job, every sport, every interest has insider opening questions that everybody in the same field asks—and its dumb outsider questions that they never ask each other. When an astronaut meets another astronaut, he asks, “What missions have you been on?” (Never “How do you go to the bathroom up there?”) A dentist asks another dentist, “Are you in general practice or do you have a specialty?” (Never “Heard any good pain jokes lately?”) Technique #39 Learn a Little Jobbledygook Big winners speak Jobbledygook as a second language. What is Jobbledygook? It’s the language of other professions. Why speak it? It makes you sound like an insider. How do you learn it? You’ll find no Jobbledygook cassettes in the language section of your bookstore, but the lingo is easy to pick up. Simply ask a friend who speaks the lingo of the crowd you’ll be with to teach you a few opening questions. The words are few and the rewards are manifold. CH 40. How to Bare Their Hot Button (Elementary Doc-Talk) Technique #40 Baring Their Hot Button Before jumping blindly into a bevy of bookbinders or a drove of dentists, find out what the hot issues are in their fields. Every industry has burning concerns the outside world knows little about. Ask your informant to bare the industry buzz. Then, to heat the conversation up, push those buttons. CH 41. How to Secretly Learn About Their Lives Technique #41 Read Their Rags Is your next big client a golfer, runner, swimmer, surfer, or skier? Are you attending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists—or anything in between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazines serving every imaginable interest. You can dish up more information than you’ll ever need to sound like an insider with anyone just by reading the rags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of Zoonooz yet?) CH 42. How to Talk When You’re in Other Countries Technique #42 Clear “Customs” Before putting one toe on foreign soil, get a book on dos and taboos around the world. Before you shake hands, give a gift, make gestures, or even compliment anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum up your entire gig. CH 43. How to Talk Them into Getting the “Insider’s Price” (on Practically Anything You Buy) Technique #43 Bluffing for Bargains The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well in contemporary America for big-ticket items. Your price is much lower when you know how to deal. Before every big purchase, find several vendors—a few to learn from and one to buy from. Armed with a few words of industryese, you’re ready to head for the store where you’re going to buy. PART FIVE: HOW TO SOUND LIKE YOU’RE PEAS IN A POD: “WHY, WE’RE JUST ALIKE!” CH 44. How to Make Them Feel You’re of the Same “Class” Technique #44 Be a Copyclass Watch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Big movements? Fast? Slow? Jerky? Fluid? Old? Young? Classy? Trashy? Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a jazzy mover? Is she a balletic mover? Watch his or her body, then imitate the style of movement. That makes your conversation partner subliminally real comfy with you. CH 45. How to Make Them Feel That You’re Like “Family The Linguistic Device That Says “We’re on the Same Wavelength” When you want to give someone the subliminal feeling you’re just alike, use their words, not yours. Suppose you are selling a car to a young mother who tells you she is concerned about safety because she has a young “toddler.” When explaining the safety feaHow to Make Them Feel That You’re Like “Family” 177tures of the car, use her word. Don’t use whatever word you call your kids. Don’t even say child-protection lock, which was in your sales manual. Tell your prospect, “No toddler can open the window because of the driver’s control device.” Even call it a toddlerprotection lock. When Mom hears toddler coming from your lips, she feels you are “family” because that’s how all her relatives refer to her little tyke. Suppose your prospect had said kid or infant. Fine, echo any word she used. (Well, almost any word. If she’d said my brat, you might want to pass on Echoing this time. Technique #45 Echoing Echoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop. Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions, adjectives—and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of your mouth creates subliminal rapport. It makes them feel you share their values, their attitudes, their interests, their experiences. CH 46. How to Really Make It Clear to Them Technique #46 Potent Imaging Does your customer have a garden? Talk about “sowing the seeds for success.” Does your boss own a boat? Tell him or her about a concept that will “hold water” or “stay afloat.” Maybe he is a private pilot? Talk about a concept really “taking off.” She plays tennis? Tell her it really hits the “sweet spot.” Evoke your listener’s interests or lifestyle and weave images around it. To give your points more power and punch, use analogies from your listener’s world, not your own. Potent Imaging also tells your listeners you think like them and hints you share their interests. CH 47. How to Make Them Feel You Empathize (Without Just Saying “Yep, Uh Huh, Yeah”) Technique #47 Employ Empathizers Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete sentences to show your understanding. Dust your dialogue with phrases like “I see what you mean.” Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like “That’s a lovely thing to say.” Your empathy impresses your listeners and encourages them to continue. CH 48. How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do Technique #48 Anatomically Correct Empathizers What part of their anatomy are your associates talking through? Their eyes? Their ears? Their gut? For visual people, use visual empathizers to make them think you see the world the way they do. For auditory folks, use auditory empathizers to make them think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic types, use kinesthetic empathizers to make them think you feel the same way they do. ... What about the other two senses, taste and smell? Well, I’ve never run up against any gustatory or olfactory types. But you could always compliment a chef by saying, “That’s a delicious idea.” And if you are talking to your dog (olfactory, of course), tell him “The whole idea stinks.” CH 49. How to Make ’Em Think We (Instead of You vs. Me) A fascinating progression of conversation unfolds as people become closer. Here’s how it develops: Level One: Clichés Two strangers talking together primarily toss clichés back and forth. For instance, when chatting about the universally agreedupon world’s dullest subject—the weather—one stranger might say to the other, “Beautiful sunny weather we’ve been having.” Or, “Boy, some rain, huh?” That’s level one, clichés. Level Two: Facts People who know each other but are just acquaintances often discuss facts. “You know, Joe, we’ve had twice as many sunny days this year to date as last.” Or, “Yeah, well, we finally decided to put in a swimming pool to beat the heat.” Level Three: Feelings and Personal Questions When people become friends, they often express their feelings to each other, even on subjects as dull as the weather. “George, I just love these sunny days.” They also ask each other personal questions: “How about you, Betty? Are you a sun person?” Level Four: We Statements Now we progress to the highest level of intimacy. This level is richer than facts and creates more rapport than feelings. It’s we and us statements. Friends discussing the weather might say, “If we keep having this good weather, it’ll be a great summer.” Lovers might say, “I hope this good weather keeps up for us so we can go swimming on our trip.” A technique to achieve the ultimate verbal intimacy grows out of this phenomenon. Simply use the word we prematurely. You can use it to make a client, a prospect, a stranger feel you are already friends. Use it to make a potential romantic partner feel the two of you are already an item. I call it the “Premature We.” In casual conversation, simply cut through levels one and two. Jump straight to three and four. Ask your prospect’s feelings on something the way you would query a friend. (“George, how do you feel about the new governor?”) Then use the pronoun we when discussing anything that might affect the two of you. (“Do you think we’re going to prosHow to Make ’Em Think We (Instead of You vs. Me) 193per during his administration?”) Make it a point to concoct we sentences, the kind people instinctively reserve for friends, lovers, and other intimates. (“I think we’ll survive while the governor’s in office.”) The word we fosters togetherness. It makes the listener feel connected. It gives a subliminal feeling of “you and me against the cold, cold world.” When you prematurely say we or us, even to strangers, it subconsciously brings them closer. It subliminally hints you are already friends. At a party, you might say to someone standing behind you at the buffet line, “Hey, this looks great. They really laid out a nice spread for us.” Or, “Uh-oh, we’re going to get fat if we let ourselves enjoy all of this. Technique #49 The Premature WE Create the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met just moments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skipping conversational levels one and two and cutting right to levels three and four. Elicit intimate feelings by using the magic words we, us, and our. CH 50. How to Create a Friendly “Private Joke” with Them Technique #50 Instant History When you meet a stranger you’d like to make less a stranger, search for some special moment you shared during your first encounter. Then find a few words that reprieve the laugh, the warm smile, the good feelings the two of you felt. Now, just like old friends, you have a history together, an Instant History. With anyone you’d like to make part of your personal or professional future, look for special moments together. Then make them a refrain. PART SIX: HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE THE POWER OF PRAISE FROM THE FOLLY OF FLATTERY CH 51. How to Compliment Someone (Without Sounding Like You’re Brownnosing) Technique #51 Grapevine Glory A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, backscratching sycophant trying to win brownie points. You also leave recipients with the happy fantasy that you are telling the whole world about their greatness. CH 52. How to Be a “Carrier Pigeon” of Good Feelings Technique #52 Carrier Pigeon Kudos People immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves into carrier pigeons when there’s bad news. (It’s called gossip.) Instead, become a carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear something complimentary about someone, fly to them with the compliment. Your fans may not posthumously stuff you and put you on display in a museum like Stumpy Joe. But everyone loves the carrier pigeon of kind thoughts. CH 53. How to Make ’Em Feel Your Admiration “Just Slipped Out” Technique #53 Implied Magnificence Throw a few comments into your conversation that presuppose something positive about the person you’re talking with. But be careful. Don’t blow it like the wellintentioned maintenance man. Or the southern boy who, at the prom, thought he was flattering his date when he told her, “Gosh, Mary Lou, for a fat gal you dance real good. CH 54. How to Win Their Hearts by Being an “Undercover Complimenter” Technique #54 Accidental Adulation Become an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak praise into the parenthetical part of your sentence. Just don’t try to quiz anyone later on your main point. The joyful jolt of your accidental adulation strikes them temporarily deaf to anything that follows. CH 55. How to Make ’Em Never Forget You with a “Killer Compliment” Technique #55 Killer Compliment Whenever you are talking with a stranger you’d like to make part of your professional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, and unique quality he or she has. At the end of the conversation, look the individual right in the eye. Say his or her name and proceed to curl all ten toes with the Killer Compliment. ... Rule #1: Deliver your Killer Compliment to the recipient in private. If you are standing with a group of four or five people and you praise one woman for being fit, every other woman feels like a barrel of lard. If you tell one man he has wonderful carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make the blushing recipient uncomfortable. Rule #2: Make your Killer Compliment credible. For example, I’m tone-deaf. If I’m forced to sing even a simple song like “Happy Birthday,” I sound like a sick pig. If anyone in earshot were foolish enough to tell me they liked my voice, I’d know it was hogwash. Rule #3: Confer only one Killer Compliment per half year on each recipient. Otherwise you come across as insincere, groveling, obsequious, pandering, and a thoroughly manipulative person. Not cool. With careful aim, the Killer Compliment captures everyone. It works best, however, when you use it judiciously on new acquaintances. If you want to praise friends every day, employ the next technique. CH 56. How to Make ’Em Smile with “Itty-Bitty Boosters” Technique #56 Little Strokes Don’t make your colleagues, your friends, your loved ones look at you and silently say, “Haven’t I been pretty good today?” Let them know how much you appreciate them by caressing them with verbal Little Strokes like “Nice job!” “Well done!” “Cool!” CH 57. How to Praise with Perfect Timing Technique #57 The Knee-Jerk “Wow!” Quick as a blink, you must praise people the moment they a finish a feat. In a wink, like a knee-jerk reaction say, “You were terrific!” Don’t worry that they won’t believe you. The euphoria of the moment has a strangely numbing effect on the achiever’s objective judgment. CH 58. How to Make ’Em Want to Compliment You “Vous Êtes Gentil” Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall phrase. Upon receiving a compliment, they say, “Vous êtes gentil.” Loosely translated, that is “How kind of you.” An American saying “How kind of you” could sound stilted— like the little flower girl in My Fair Lady trying to be cultured. Nevertheless, we Yanks can express the French gentil sentiment with a technique I call “Boomeranging. Technique #58 Boomeranging Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let compliments boomerang right back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmur something that expresses “That’s very kind of you.” CH 59. How to Make a Loved One Feel You Are THE Partner for Life Technique #59 The Tombstone Game Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but don’t mention it again. Then, when the moment is right to say “I appreciate you” or “I love you,” fill the blanks with the very words they gave you weeks earlier. You take people’s breath away when you feed their deepest self-image to them in a compliment. “At last,” they say to themselves, "someone who loves me for who I truly am." PART SEVEN: HOW TO DIRECT DIAL THEIR HEARTS CH 60. How to Sound More Exciting on the Phone Technique #60 Talking Gestures Think of yourself as the star of a personal radio drama every time you pick up the phone. If you want to come across as engaging as you are, you must turn your smiles into sound, your nods into noise, and all your gestures into something your listener can hear. You must replace your gestures with talk. Then punch up the whole act 30 percent! CH 61. How to Sound Close (Even if You’re Hundreds of Miles Away) Technique #61 Name Shower People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the phone than you would in person to keep their attention. Your caller’s name re-creates the eye contact, the caress, you might give in person. Saying someone’s name repeatedly when face-to-face sounds pandering. But because there is physical distance between you on the phone—sometimes you’re a continent apart—you can spray your conversation with it. CH 62. How to Make ’Em Happy They Called You Brr-ing! No matter whether you hear the ring in the boardroom, the bedroom, or the bathroom, self-styled telephone experts tell you, “Smile before answering.” Some pros even suggest you perch a mirror right next to your phone to monitor your grin. Technique #62 “Oh Wow, It’s You!” Don’t answer the phone with an “I’m just sooo happy all the time” attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, and professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and spill over into your voice. You make your caller feel as though your giant warm fuzzy smile is reserved for him or her. CH 63. How to Sneak Past the Gatekeeper Technique #63 The Sneaky Screen If you must screen your calls, instruct your staff to first say cheerfully, “Oh yes, I’ll put you right through. May I tell her who’s calling?” If the party has already identified himself, it’s “Oh of course, Mr. Whoozit. I’ll put you right through.” When the secretary comes back with the bad news that Mr. or Ms. Bigwig is unavailable, callers don’t take it personally and never feel screened. They fall for it every time, just like I did. CH 64. How to Get What You Want on the Phone from Big Shots Technique #64 Salute the Spouse Whenever you are calling someone’s home, always identify and greet the person who answers. Whenever you call someone’s office more than once or twice, make friends with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough to answer the phone is close enough to sway the VIP’s opinion of you. CH 65. How to Get What You Want—by Timing! Technique #65 What Color Is Your Time? No matter how urgent you think your call, always begin by asking the person about timing. Either use the What Color Is Your Time? device or simply ask, “Is this a convenient time for you to talk?” When you ask about timing first, you’ll never smash your footprints right in the middle of your telephone partner’s sands of time. You’ll never get a “No!” just because your timing wasn’t right. CH 66. How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message Technique #66 Constantly Changing Outgoing Message If you want to be perceived as conscientious and reliable, leave a short, professional, and friendly greeting as your outgoing message. No music. No jokes. No inspirational messages. No boasts, bells, or whistles. And here’s the secret: change it every day. Your message doesn’t have to be flawless. A little cough or stammer gives a lovely unpretentious reality to your message. CH 67. How to Get Them to Call You Back Technique #67 Your Ten-Second Audition While dialing, clear your throat. If an answering machine picks up, pretend the beep is a big Broadway producer saying “Nexxxt.” Now you’re on. This is Your Ten-Second Audition to prove you are worthy of a quick callback. CH 68. How to Make the Gatekeeper Think You’re Buddy-Buddy with the VIP Technique #68 The Ho-Hum Caper Instead of using your party’s name, casually let the pronoun he or she roll off your tongue. Forget “Uh, may I speak to Ms. Bigshot please?” Just announce, “Hi, Bob Smith here, is she in?” Tossing the familiar she off your tongue signals to the secretary that you and her boss are old buddies. CH 69. How to Make Them Say You Have Super Sensitivity Technique #69 “I Hear Your Other Line” When you hear a phone in the background, stop speaking—in midsentence, if necessary—and say “I hear your other line,” (or your dog barking, your baby crying, your spouse calling you). Ask whether she has to attend to it. Whether she does or not, she’ll know you’re a top communicator for asking. CH 70. How to “Listen Between the Lines” on the Phone Technique #70 Instant Replay Record all your business conversations and listen to them again. The second or third time, you pick up on significant subtleties you missed the first time. It’s like football fans who often don’t know if there was a fumble until they see it all over again in Instant Replay. ... Forget What They Said, Hear What They Meant Instant Replay also makes you sensitive to levels of communication far deeper than just your callers’ words. You tune in to their real enthusiasm or hesitation about an idea. When we want something, our minds play funny tricks on us. If we desperately crave “yes” from someone, we hear “yes.” But “yes” isn’t always what it seems. A client’s forceful “YES” and her hesitant “yeee-sss” are different as heaven and hell. Last month I asked a woman who’d booked me for a speech if her office could reproduce my ten-page handout. She gave me the answer I wanted, which was “yes.” Later, however, I relistened to our conversation on tape. Her answer about the handouts had been a very hesitant, “Hmm, well, yes.” I immediately called her back and said, “By the way, don’t worry about those handouts.” “Oh, I’m so glad!” she purred. “Because we really don’t have the budget for things like that.” I gained much more in my client’s goodwill than the value of reproducing a few sheets of paper. PART EIGHT: HOW TO WORK A PARTY LIKE A POLITICIAN WORKS A ROOM: THE POLITICIAN’S SIXPOINT PARTY CHECKLIST When invited to a party, most of us waft into a fluffy thought process. Our random reverie goes something like this: “Hmm, this could be fun. . . . Wonder if they’re going to serve food. . . . Hope it’s good. . . . Might be some interesting people there. . . . Wonder if my friend so ’n’ so is coming. . . . Golly, what should I wear?” That’s not the way a politician thinks about a party, however. While politicians, heavy-duty networkers, serious socializers, and big winners in the business world are staring at the invitation, they instinctively surf to a different channel. Before they RSVP with “yes” or “no,” their brains craft journalistic campaign questions. It’s the Six-Point Party Checklist. Who? When? What? Why? Where? And How? Let’s take them one by one. Who Is Going to Be at the Party? More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious networkers calculate “Who must I meet for business? Who should I meet for political or social reasons?” And, if single and searching, “Who do I want to meet for possible love?” If they don’t know who is going to be in attendance, they ask. Politicians unabashedly telephone the host or hostess of the party and ask, “Who’s coming?” As the party giver chats casually about the guest list, politicians scribble the names of the people who interest them, then resolve to meet each. When Should I Arrive? Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they finish getting dressed. They don’t ask themselves, “Hmm, should I be fashionably late?” They carefully calculate their estimated time of arrival and estimated time of departure. If the party is bulging with contacts, biggies get there early to start hitting their marks as each arrives. VIPs frequently come early to get their business done before party regulars who “hate to be the first one there” start arriving. They are never embarrassed to arrive early. After all, the only people who see them are other early arrivals who are often heavy hitters like themselves. Nor will you find politicians prowling around, the last to slink out the door. Once they’ve accomplished what they set out to do, they’re on their way to the next opportunity. If their agenda is more social, they try to leave their departure time open and their aprés-party schedule free. That way, if they make an important new contact, they can stay around and talk with him. Or drive her home. Or go somewhere else for coffee. What Should I Take with Me? A politician’s checklist is not the usual, “Let’s see, my comb, cologne, and breath mints.” They pack more functional networking tools in their pockets or purses. If corporate cats will be prowling the party, they pack a pocketful of business cards. If it’s a gala where people are gadding about on the social ladder and they want to exude old-world elegance, they grab a handful of social cards containing only their name and possibly an address and phone number. (Some feel giving out a business card in a purely social setting can be gauche.) The most vital tool in their party pack is a small pad and pen to keep track of important contacts. Why Is the Party Being Given? The politician’s perpetual philosophy of “penetrate the ostensible” enters here. (That’s just a fancy way of saying “look under the rug.”) They ask themselves, “What is the ostensible reason for the party?” A big industrialist is giving his daughter a graduation party? A newly divorced executive is throwing himself a birthday bash? A floundering business is celebrating its tenth year? “Nice,” politicians say to themselves, “that’s the ostensible. But what’s the real reason for the party?” Maybe the industrialist wants to get his daughter a good job so he’s invited dozens of potential employers. The birthday boy is single again so the guest list is heavy with attractive and accomplished females. The business desperately needs good PR if it’s going to stay around another ten years. So they’ve invited the press and community makers and shakers. Politicians have expert under-rug vision to spot the host’s real agenda. They will, of course, never discuss it at the party. How ever, the insight elevates them to a shared state of higher consciousness with other heavy hitters at the bash. Their knowledge also makes them valuable agents for the party giver. A savvy politician introduces the job-seeking daughter to some executives at the party or tells the most alluring women at the bash what a great guy birthday boy is. When chatting with reporters, he talks up the host’s business that needs good PR. When people support the real why of the party, they become popular and sought-after guests for future events. Where Is the Collective Mind? Often people from one profession or one interest group will comprise most of the guest list. A politician never accepts any invitation without asking herself, “What kind of people will be at this party, and what will they be thinking about?” Perhaps there will be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medical headlines and rehearses a little doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-age voters, the politician gets up to speed on telepathic healing, Tantric toning, and trance dancing. Politicians can’t afford to not be in the know. How Am I Going to Follow Up on the Party? Now, the big finale. I call it “Contact Cement.” It’s cementing the contacts the politician has made. After meeting a good contact and exchanging cards, practically everyone says, “It’s been great talking to you. We’ll stay in touch.” This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort. Politicians, however, make a science out of keeping up the contact. After the party, they sit at their desks and, like a game of solitaire, lay out the business cards of the people they’ve met. Using “The Business Card Dossier” technique described later in this section, they decide how, when, and if to deal with each. Does this person require a phone call? Should that one receive a handwritten note? Shall I E-mail or call the other one? Use the Six-Point Party Checklist—the Who? When? Why? Where? What? and How? of a party—as your general game plan. CH 71. How to Avoid the Most Common Party Blooper Technique #71 Munching or Mingling Politicians want to be eyeball to eyeball and belly to belly with their constituents. Like any big winner well versed in the science of proxemics and spatial relationships, they know any object except their belt buckle has the effect of a brick wall between two people. Therefore they never hold food or drink at a party. Come to munch or come to mingle. But do not expect to do both. Like a good politician, chow down before you come. CH 72. How to Make an Unforgettable Entrance Technique #72 Rubberneck the Room When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves. CH 73. How to Meet the People YOU Want to Meet Technique #73 Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business contact who will transform your future may not be at the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big event. Do not stand around waiting for the moment when that special person approaches you. You make it happen by exploring every face in the room. No more “ships passing in the night.” Capture whatever or whomever you want in your life. CH 74. How to Subliminally Lure People to You at a Gathering Technique #74 Come-Hither Hands Be a human magnet, not a human repellent. When standing at a gathering, arrange your body in an open position—especially your arms and hands. People instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists seductively arranged in the “come hither” position. They shy away from knuckles in the “get lost or I’ll punch you” position. Use your wrists and palms to say “I have nothing to hide,” “I accept you and what you’re saying,” or “I find you sexy.” CH 75. How to Make ’Em Feel Like a Movie Star Technique #75 Tracking Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your conversation partners’ lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy. When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone’s life, it confirms the deep conviction that he or she is an old-style hero around whom the world revolves. And people love you for recognizing their stardom. CH 76. How to Amaze Them with What You Remember About Them Technique #76 The Business Card Dossier Right after you’ve talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On the back of his or her business card write notes to remind you of the conversation: his favorite restaurant, sport, movie, or drink; whom she admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or maybe a joke he told. In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favorite restaurant, sport, movie, drink, hometown, high school honor. Or reprieve the laugh over the great joke. CH 77. How to Make the Sale with Your Eyeballs How Jimmi Finds Out Where the Buck Stops The product Jimmi sells is expensive lighting equipment. Often he must make sales presentations to groups of ten, twenty, or more people. He says, “The first challenge in Eyeball Selling is discovering who the real decision maker is.” Jimmi meets his challenge in an unorthodox (not necessarily recommended) way. Right after “Good afternoon, gentlemen and ladies,” he says something slightly confusing. Why? Because the surprised group doesn’t know how to react. So their heads all twirl like weather vanes on a windy day to look at—guess who?—the honcho, the heavyweight, the head man or woman. Now Jimmi’s got his decision maker so he can continue Eyeball Selling to that person. Technique #77 Eyeball Selling The human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station that transmits “You thrill me.” “You bore me.” “I love that aspect of your product.” “That one puts my feet to sleep.” Set the hidden cameras behind your eyeballs to pick up on all your customers’ and friends’ signals. Then plan your pitch and your pace accordingly. PART NINE: HOW TO BREAK THE MOST TREACHEROUS GLASS CEILING OF ALL: SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE TIGERS CH 78. How to Win Their Affection by Overlooking Their Bloopers Technique #78 See No Bloopers, Hear No Bloopers Cool communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing biological functions. They simply don’t notice their comrades’ minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas. They obviously ignore raspberries and all other signs of human frailty in their fellow mortals. Big winners never gape at another’s gaffes. CH 79. How to Win Their Heart When Their Tongue Is Faltering Technique #79 Lend a Helping Tongue Whenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Give everyone time to dote on the little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the jagged pieces of china. Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who suffered story-interruptus, “Now please get back to your story.” Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, “So what happened after the . . .” (and fill in the last few words). CH 80. How to Let ’Em Know “What’s In It” for Them Technique #80 Bare the Buried WIIFM (and WIIFY) Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge the respective benefits. Reveal what’s in it for you and what’s in it for the other person—even if it’s zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox. CH 81. How to Make Them Want to Do Favors for You Technique #81 Let ’Em Savor the Favor Whenever a friend agrees to a favor, allow your generous buddy time to relish the joy of his or her beneficence before you make them pay the piper. How long? At least twenty-four hours. CH 82. How to Ask for Favors (and Get Them!) Technique #82 Tit for (Wait . . . Wait) Tat When you do someone a favor and it’s obvious that “he owes you one,” wait a suitable amount of time before asking him to “pay.” Let him enjoy the fact (or fiction) that you did it out of friendship. Don’t call in your tit for their tat too swiftly. CH 83. How to Know What Not to Say at Parties Technique #83 Parties Are for Pratter There are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle where even the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. The first of these is parties. Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for confrontations. Big players, even when standing next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod. They leave tough talk for tougher settings. CH 84. How to Know What Not to Say at Dinner Technique #84 Dinner’s for Dining The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While eating, they know it’s OK to brainstorm and discuss the positive side of the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough business. CH 85. How to Know What Not to Say in a Chance Meeting Technique #85 Chance Encounters Are for Chitchat If you’re selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication with someone, do NOT capitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of your mistaken meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could turn into your swan song with Big Winner. CH 86. How to Prepare Them to Listen to You Technique #86 Empty Their Tanks If you need information, let people have their entire say first. Wait patiently until their needle is on empty and the last drop drips out and splashes on the cement. It’s the only way to be sure their tank is empty enough of their own inner noise to start receiving your ideas. CH 87. How to Turn Their Anger Around (in Three Sentences or Less) Technique #87 Echo the Emo Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts from people about an emotional situation, let them emote. Hear their facts but empathize like mad with their emotions. Smearing on the emo is often the only way to calm their emotional storm. CH 88. How to Make ’Em Like You (Even When You’ve Messed Up) Technique #88 My Goof, Your Gain Whenever you make a boner, make sure your victim benefits. It’s not enough to correct your mistake. Ask yourself, “What could I do for this suffering soul so he or she will be delighted I made the flub?” Then do it, fast! In that way, your goof will become your gain. CH 89. How to Trap a Rat with Class Technique #89 Leave an Escape Hatch Whenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggerating, distorting, or deceiving, don’t confront the dirty duck directly. Unless it is your responsibility to catch or correct the culprit—or unless you are saving other innocent victims by doing so—let the transgressor out of your trap with his tricky puss in one piece. Then resolve never to gaze upon it again. CH 90. How to Get Whatever You Want from Service Personnel A complimentary letter is called a “buttercup” because it butters up the recipient. Buttercups are nice. Even nicer are buttercups about someone to their boss. Teechnique #90 Buttercups for Their Boss Do you have a store clerk, accountant, law firm junior partner, tailor, auto mechanic, maître d’, massage therapist, kid’s teacher—or any other worker you want special attention from in the future? The surefire way to make them care enough to give you their very best is send a buttercup to their boss. CH 91. How to Be a Leader in a Crowd, Not a Follower Technique #91 Lead the Listeners No matter how prominent the big cat behind the podium is, crouched inside is a little scaredy-cat who is anxious about the crowd’s acceptance. Big winners recognize you’re a fellow big winner when they see you leading their listeners in a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud or publicly commend the man or woman you agree with (or want favors from). CH 92. How to Make All the Right Moves Technique #92 The Great Scorecard in the Sky Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate, but one rule remains: player with lower score pays deference to player with higher score. The penalty for not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently. End Note Practice is also the fountainhead of all smooth communications moves. Excellence is not a single and solitary action. It is the outcome of many years of making small smooth moves, tiny ones like the ninety-two little tricks we’ve explored in How to Talk to Anyone. These moves create your destiny. Remember, repeating an action makes a habit. Your habits create your character. And your character is your destiny. May success be your destiny!
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