INTRODUCTION The language used in the book extremely funny and Jen Sincero still makes sure that she makes the point that she intended to. Book is filled with amazing lines that motivate you such as these: 1: In order to make changes to your life, you need to go from wanting to change your life to deciding to change your life. Wanting can be done sitting on the couch with a bong in your hand and a travel magazine in your lap. Deciding means jumping in all the way, doing whatever it takes, and going after your dreams with the tenacity of a dateless cheerleader a week before prom night. 2: If you want to live a life you’ve never lived, you have to do things you’ve never done. PART 1: HOW YOU GOT THIS WAY CHAPTER 1: My Subconscious Made Me Do It 1: Most people are living in an illusion based on someone else’s beliefs. 2: About our subconscious mind: 1) Our subconscious mind contains the blueprint for our lives. It’s running the show based on the unfiltered information it gathered when we were kids, otherwise known as our “beliefs.” 2) We are, for the most part, completely oblivious to these subconscious beliefs that run our lives. 3) When our conscious minds finally develop and show up for work, no matter how big and smart and highfalutin they grow to be, they’re still being controlled by the beliefs we’re carrying around in our subconscious minds. Our conscious mind thinks it’s in control, but it isn’t. Our subconscious mind doesn’t think about anything, but is in control. CHAPTER 2: The G-Word If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration. —Nokola Tesla; inventor, physicist, supergenius This chapter speaks in terms of "Universe", "Source Energy", "Frequency" and "Vibration". HERE IS THE FOUNDATION FOR ALL THE WORK WE’RE ABOUT TO DO TOGETHER ON YOUR LIFE: • The Universe is made up of Source Energy. • All energy vibrates at a certain frequency. Which means you’re vibrating at a certain frequency, and everything you desire, and don’t desire, is also vibrating at a certain frequency. • Vibration attracts like vibration. Quotations: 1: You need to raise your frequency to match the vibration of the one you want to tune into. 2: The Universe will match whatever vibration you put out. And you can’t fool The Universe. 3: In order to truly raise your vibration, you’ve got to believe that everything you want is available to you. And the best way to keep this belief strong is by staying connected to Source Energy. 4: As French author and fearless truth-seeker, André Gide, so aptly put it, “One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.” This is about believing that we live in a loving, kind and abundant Universe instead of one that’s petty, mean, and likes other people more than it likes you. This is about your faith being greater than your fear. CHAPTER 3: Present as a Pigeon If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. —Lao Tzu; ancient Chinese philosopher, founder of Taoism, could have been one guy or a mythical compilation of many, nobody really knows for sure. 1: It’s not that the things and opportunities that we want in life don’t exist yet. It’s that we’re not yet aware of their existence (or the fact that we can really have them). 2: The more time you spend in the moment, the richer your life will be. Being present gets you out of your head and connects you to Source Energy, which raises your frequency, which attracts things of like frequency to you. And all of those high-frequency things and experiences are already here, just waiting for you to join the party, all you have to do is shut up, show up, and usher them in. CHAPTER 4: The Big Snooze 1: Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. —Kurt Cobain; you know who this one is, right? 2: Watching someone else totally go for it can be incredibly upsetting to the person who’s spent a lifetime building a solid case for why they themselves can’t. 3: I’m going to refer to the Ego as the Big Snooze. Or BS for short. I think it’ll be less confusing. The Big Snooze will do everything it can to stop you from changing and growing, especially since you’re attempting to obliterate the very identity that you and everyone else has come to know as “you.” CHAPTER 5: Self-Perception Is a Zoo 1: It’s just as easy to believe we’re awesome as it is to believe we’re giant sucking things. 2: We are all perfect in our own, magnificent, fucked-up ways. Laugh at yourself. Love yourself and others. Rejoice in the cosmic ridiculousness. PART 2: HOW TO EMBRACE YOUR INNER BADASS CHAPTER 6: Love the One You Is 1: If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works. —Louise Hay; author, publisher, the Godmother of Self-Help who was doing it way back when it still wasn’t cool 2: And while there are countless ways that we rip ourselves off, there’s one way in particular that is,without a doubt, the most rampant and the most devastating of all: we invest everything we’ve got in believing that we’re not good enough. 3: When we’re happy and all in love with ourselves, we can’t be bothered with the bullshit (our own or other people’s). In the interest of perpetuating radical, reality-altering self-love, here are some of the best ways to win yourself over again: 1. APPRECIATE HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE 2. DROWN YOURSELF IN AFFIRMATIONS Here are some affirmations specific to self-love. Pick one or two that work for you and pummel yourself with them: • I deserve and receive massive amounts of love every moment of every day. • I am one with The Universe. The Universe is awesome and so am I. • My heart is open. Love pours in and out. • I receive all the good that life has to offer me. • I am brilliant, bright, and beautiful. • I love how tall I am and I love the size of my ass. This can’t be just rattling off nonsense—you have to feel it and want it and get worked up by it in order for it to work. 3. DO THINGS YOU LOVE 4. FIND A REPLACEMENT We’ve gotten so used to our negative knee-jerk reactions to ourselves that we never think to question them—we simply take them as the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But once we become aware of our thought patterns and behaviors, we can consciously change them. So start paying attention: What runs through your mind when you look in the mirror? What happens inside you when you see someone totally succeeding at something you’d love to do but have never let yourself try? What do you think and feel when you walk up to a group of really good-looking, successful people? Or when you try your best to pull something off and you fail? Or when you get dumped by someone who is totally awesome? And hot? Or when you walk around all day with your fly open? Or when you leave your coffee on the roof of your car and drive off? Or when you let a friend down? Or when you stub your toe on the kitchen table for the tenth time? Or when you forget your dad’s birthday? Or when you snap at someone who didn’t quite deserve it as harshly as you gave it to them? Notice the verbiage that runs through your mind when you’re being the most heinous to yourself and come up with a new-and-improved response. For example, if every time you look in the mirror, your first thought is yikes, make a conscious effort to change it to hi, gorgeous! If you have a complicated relationship with your father and beat yourself up every time you say something awful to him, replace I’m a monster with I’m just a little bunny, working through my issues. And then, of course, apologize to him. If your standard response to screwing something up is ugh, Her Royal Clumsiness strikes again, replace it with what can I learn from this? The most important thing is to free yourself from the drama and the conviction that your current version of yourself is the truth. I don’t care if you’re all, “that’s easy for you to say; you don’t have a nose that makes it look like someone parked a yacht on your face.” Because one day you could see some fancy and famous fashion model with a nose far bigger than yours is who decided she was gorgeous anyway, and suddenly you’ll feel beautiful and confident and all proud of your nose when, just the day before, you were considering getting it sawed off. This is how ridiculous we are. Do not spend your life clinging to the insulting decisions you’ve made about yourself. Instead, make the conscious choice to replace them with new and improved ones. 5. DITCH THE SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR 6. LET THE LOVE IN Receive compliments gracefully instead of countering with a disclaimer such as, “Oh, this ratty old thing?” Try this instead: “Thank you.” Period. Take care of your body, too. We, if you’re anything like me, run around doing all our busy work with our poor bodies flapping behind us like old wind socks. When we’re pressed for time, it’s often the first thing to get overlooked. “I’ve got five meetings today, I’ll do my yoga tomorrow and have a power bar for lunch.” Meanwhile, during our little sojourn here on earth, we need our bodies more than they need us. Say nice things about your body, dress it up, and take it out. Give it hot sex, luxurious baths, and massages. Move it, stretch it, nourish it, hydrate it, pay attention to it—The better our bodies feel, the happier and more productive we are. 7. DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS Comparison is the fastest way to take all the fun out of life. 8. FORGIVE YOURSELF (LISTEN UP! THIS ONE’S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.) 9. LOVE YOURSELF. Because it’s the Holy Grail of happiness. CHAPTER 7: I Know You Are But What Am I? 1: DO NOT WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME GIVING ONE SINGLE CRAP ABOUT WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS OF YOU. 2: The only questions you ever need to consider when making decisions about your life are: 1. Is this something I want to be, do, or have? 2. Is this going to take me in the direction I want to go (not should go)? 3. Is this going to screw over* anybody else in the process? The definition of screwing someone over is taking their money and doing a lousy job or destroying their water source or enslaving populations, things like that—your mother being disappointed or your father disapproving or your friends being outraged does not qualify as screwing someone over. 3: We throw a wet blanket of ho-hummery over our lives when we live in fear of what others might think, instead of in celebration of who we are. 4: You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for whether or not people freak out about it. 5: What other people think about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. 6: All that matters is what’s true for you, and if you can stay connected to that without straying, you will be a mighty superhero. HOW CAN YOU TRULY NOT CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK AND BE YOUR MOST POWERFUL "SELF"? 1. ASK YOURSELF WHY Why are you about to say or do something? Is it to be liked? To put someone down because you feel insecure? To get someone back because they made a fat joke about your mother? Or is it coming from a place of strength and truth? Are you doing it because it’ll be fun? Because you feel called to do it? Because it’ll change someone else’s life in a positive, martyr-free way? Pay attention to your motivations (be honest). Practice coming from a place of integrity and you will be victorious. 2. ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST 3. TRUST YOUR INTUITION 4. FIND A TEMPORARY ROLE MODEL 5. LOVE YOURSELF No matter what anyone else thinks. IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT OUTSIDE OPINIONS: While you are unauthorized to base your selfworth on what other people think, it doesn’t mean you should miss out on the opportunity to benefit from outside input altogether. Especially input from those who know you well. There is such a thing as constructive criticism, and constructive complimenting. But whether or not they are constructive depends on you. For example, if people have been telling you for years that you’re a hothead, that they feel like they can’t be open with you because the second you disagree with them you blow up in their faces, ask yourself: Is this true (be honest)? Can I use this information to better myself and the lives of others? If the answer is yes, commit to making the necessary changes; if the answer is no, let it go. Same goes for compliments. If people constantly tell you you’re a good listener, ask yourself: Is this compliment true for me? Can I use this information to better myself and the lives of others? Again, if the answer is yes, figure out how you can capitalize on it; if the answer is no, let it go. Sometimes it’s easier for other people to see what we can’t see ourselves, so if they can help us connect with our truths and live happier, more authentic lives, then it’s worth taking the time to listen. It still ultimately comes down to what’s true for you, however, so the more connected to your inner truth you are, the easier it will be to use outside opinions to your advantage, rather than let them rule your life. CHAPTER 8: What Are You Doing Here? 1: When we share what we were brought here to give, we are in alignment with our highest, most powerful selves. HOW TO GET CLEAR ON WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOUR CALLING IS: 1. BE THE ALIEN Imagine that you’re an alien floating around in outer space and you suddenly swoop down to Earth and inhabit your own body. As the alien, everything about this life is new to you. You look around— what do you see? What is this person who you’ve inhabited so obviously awesome at? What do they have the most fun doing? What connections do they have? What resources and opportunities are available to them? As the alien, to whom everything is new and exciting and there’s nothing at risk and no past to lug around, what are you going to do with this incredible new life you’ve stepped into? How are you going to use this new body and this existence to create something fabulous and awesome starting right now? This exercise is hugely helpful for getting a new perspective and stepping outside our boring-ass ruts of tired old excuses and lame habits. It can also be very useful in making you aware of all the staggering possibilities and resources that you have at your fingertips and take for granted or do not see. Sometimes it’s as simple as looking at things with new eyes to see how astoundingly fortunate we are. Be the alien for twenty-four hours and see what you come up with. 2. TAKE THE FIRST RIGHT STEP Most answers reveal themselves through doing, not thinking. 3. DO YOUR BEST WHEREVER YOU’RE AT Everything you do along your journey contributes to where you’re going. 4. DON’T REINVENT THE WHEEL Look around and see what other people out there are doing. Whose life makes you totally jealous? What things are people doing that you would love to do too? Who do you think is the coolest person ever? You don’t need to invent your ideal life from scratch, you just need to figure out what makes you feel alive. So if what someone else is doing sparks your interest, take notice. It could mean that your calling has something in common with theirs. Get specific about the things in their lives that turn you on. Is it because they get to travel the world? Is it that they have a solid routine? Is it that they have no routine? Is it that they work alone? That they work in the nude? That they get to be outside all day? That they work with their hands? Their eyes? Their ears? Their animals? Their spouse? The more specific you get, the easier it will be to create a picture of what you want. Read magazines that interest you, talk to as many people as you can, hang out in places where people who share your interests hang out. Put yourself out there and you never know what you might learn that will inform your next move, or whom you might meet that will present you with your next opportunity. 5. DON’T GET CAUGHT UP IN THE THUNDERBOLT HYPE Let yourself off the hook if you don’t have that one, big, perfect thing that you know you came here to do (same goes for finding the one, big, perfect soul mate, BTW), and feel good about the fact that you’ll probably fulfill several callings throughout your life (and possibly relationships). Follow what feels good in the moment, every moment, and it will lead you through a most excellent life. 6. LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION 7. FOLLOW YOUR FANTASIES Our fantasies are our realities in an excuse-free world. 8. LOVE YOURSELF Like you’re the only you there is. CHAPTER 9: Loincloth Man LOVE YOURSELF No matter who you really are. PART 3: HOW TO TAP INTO THE MOTHERLODE CHAPTER 10: Meditation 101 When we meditate, we practice getting into The Vortex and connecting to Source Energy, which automatically: • Brings us into the present moment • Raises our frequency • Opens us up to receive unlimited information and ideas • Relaxes us • Relieves stress • Strengthens our intuition and ability to focus • Allows us to hear our inner voice more clearly • Fills us with light and love • Puts us in a good mood • Helps us love ourselves Here are the extremely short and simple steps of some different ways to meditate: BASIC MEDITATION • Sit in a comfortable, cross-legged position on the floor, or in a chair, with your hands on your knees or in your lap. • Sit up straight and relax your entire face, especially your jaw and your forehead. • Close your eyes, or, if it helps you focus and not fall asleep, keep them open and gaze softly at a spot on the ground a couple feet in front of you. • Focus on your breathing. Notice it moving in and out of your body; you don’t have to breathe in any special way. Just focus on it. • Gently release any thoughts that come into your brain and refocus on your breathing. Keep your mind as clear and empty as possible and listen for intuitive hits that may or may not come through. Tah-dah! That’s it. OPTIONS AND SUGGESTIONS 1. Set a timer. You’ve got enough distracting thoughts without checking the clock to see how long you’ve been at it every thirty seconds. 2. Light a candle and focus on it. Sometimes having a place to rest your eyes can help you get centered and in the Zone. Sit and face a candle that you place on the floor in front of you while you meditate and see if that works for you. 3. Imagine a bright beam of light shooting down from the sky, shining in through the top of your head, running through your entire body, out your bottom and up to the sky again so that it makes a complete circle. I sometimes find this easier to focus on than the ever-popular breath method, plus it fills me up with energy and light and makes me feel more deeply connected to Source Energy. 4. Use a mantra. Sometimes when the squirrels in my head are particularly active, I bring in a mantra to chase them out. I repeat a word or phrase in my mind like “love” or “thank you” or “yes, please” or “om”—something that makes me feel good and is fairly neutral, but you could use a mantra like “meatloaf” I guess if that’s your thing. 5. Try and do it first thing in the morning so you’re not distracted by whatever the day brings. You’ll also be more connected having just woken up from sleeping. 6. If there’s something in your life that you’re working on or through, you can set an intention/ask for help during your meditation practice. Meditating is about receiving information from The Universe; setting intentions and praying are about sending information out to The Universe. There are two ways you can do this: A) Start with a question, something like, How do I deal with my pain-in-the-ass teenage son? And see what, if any, answers download while you meditate, or B) Meditate first, open up the channel, clear out the chatter, and then ask your question in a space of clarity and connection and see what, if anything, comes to you. GUIDED MEDITATION There are countless CDs and DVDs that various hippies and guru types have made over the years to walk you through meditations. I suggest taking the guided route when you’re first starting out if you’re having trouble wrangling your mind into submission. CHANTING Chanting is also a great way to get into a meditative state. CHAPTER 11: Your Brain Is Your Bitch 1: Our thoughts are the most powerful tools we’ve got. 2: To think what you want to think is to think the truth, regardless of appearances. 3: The moment you have the audacity to start believing in the not-yet seen, your reality will begin to shift. 4: Your job isn’t to know the how, it’s to know the what and to be open to discovering, and receiving, the how. Here are some tried-and-true ways to show your brain who’s driving the bus: 1. ASK AND IT IS GIVEN Get quiet, get in The Zone, and get in touch with Source Energy. Clear out the chatter in your brain and create a clean, uncluttered space to impress the thoughts of what you want into the giant thinking substance that is Source Energy. Ask for what you want, send out a nice, clear message in a nice, clear space and begin the manifestation process. 2. ACT AS IF If you want something badly, even if you don’t have any evidence that it’s possible for you to attain, believe it is anyway. Fake it until you make it. Do it in spite of yourself. Act as if. 3. UPGRADE YOUR ENVIRONMENT If you aspire to have a more up-leveled and inspiring lifestyle than you presently have, and you’re actively visualizing this for yourself, it’s going to be quite a struggle to keep your thoughts large and in charge if every time you pull up to your rickety-ass home you hear the Sanford and Son theme song start up in your head. So even though you’re going to be thinking and imagining the change before it happens, do what you can to make some upgrades to where you’re at now. Give the place a paint job and clean it up. Get new furniture or fix up what you already have. Throw out the clutter, let some air in, hang inspiring art on the walls. This will not only help to keep your frequency high, but it will alert The Universe that you’re not screwing around, that you’re doing everything you can and are waiting for further instruction on the how. 4. MAKE A VISION BOARD 5. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK THE WAY YOU WANT TO THINK 6. LOVE YOURSELF Unless you have a better idea. CHAPTER 12: Lead with Your Crotch 1: We only get to be in our bodies for a limited time, why not celebrate the journey instead of merely riding it out until it’s over? 2: There’s nothing as unstoppable as a freight train full of fuck-yeah. Here are some nuggets of wisdom I gleaned from the Crotch days that I still find useful: 1. JUST SEE WHAT YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH Life is r-i-d-i-c-u-l-o-u-s. It so seriously is—we have no freakin’ idea what we’re even doing here spinning around on this globe in the middle of this solar system with who-the-hell-knows-what out there beyond it. Making a big fat deal out of anything is absurd. It makes much more sense to go after life with a sense of, “Why not?” instead of a furrowed brow. One of the best things I ever did was make my motto “I just wanna see what I can get away with.” It takes all the pressure off, puts the punk rock attitude in, and reminds me that life is but a game. Yes, we have bigger responsibilities and more pressure as adults, but come on folks, I guarantee you there are countless people with waaaaaaaay more to whine about out there than you who are totally kicking ass because they decided to go for it instead of sitting around in the wet pantload of their own excuses. Take a new approach to what you’re doing and try this on: I just wanna see if I can start my own successful business; I just wanna see if I can get myself out of debt and make one hundred thousand dollars more this year; I just wanna see if I can lose a hundred pounds; I just wanna see if I can sell one of my paintings for fifty grand; I just wanna see if I can meet my soul mate. Take the pressure off and get back in on the adventure. 2. LOSE TRACK OF TIME Figure out the things you get lost in in your business and your personal life. Then figure out how you can be doing more of those things more of the time. Hire someone (no excuses) and delegate the tasks you hate doing. Partner up with someone who’s good at, and enjoys doing the things you’re not that into, so you can be freed up to do more of what you want. If you have to, make massive changes in your business and your personal life to include more time doing what you love. Figure it out. Don’t just hand your life over to your circumstances like a little wuss. You can take your life wherever you want it to go, so grab it by its nether regions and make doing the things you love a priority. 3. KEEP BEING THE BEGINNER One of the best things about starting a band when you have no idea how to play your instrument is that you don’t care if you stink because you already know you do. Then once you learn how to play, you get all serious, you become overly critical and hard on yourself and don’t let yourself have nearly as much fun anymore. The trick is to let the Beginner live alongside the Expert, instead of pretending you don’t know who she is when she tries to sit with you and your new, cooler, more experienced friends in the cafeteria. The Beginner may be an idiot, but she knows how to party, and if you don’t let her play with you anymore, things risk getting rather droll around here. So hone your skills; take your craft seriously; learn what you need to learn; invest in yourself; practice your ass off; fall down; get up; keep going; get really really really really good at what you do, but don’t lose the fun in the process. Because, like, what’s the point of doing all that work then? The only thing you need to do is do the very best you can. Once you’ve done that, the only other thing that matters is that you enjoy yourself. 4. LOVE YOURSELF And the bluebirds of happiness will be your permanent backup singers. CHAPTER 13: Give and Let Give Here are some good ways to get in the give-and-take flow, yo: 1. If you haven’t already, pick one or two causes that have real meaning to you and give to them every month. Give however much time or money you can, but do it consistently so it becomes a habit, so it becomes part of who you are. Even five dollars a month counts. 2. Give one of your favorite things in the world away to someone who would totally love it. And if you can, do it without them knowing where it came from. 3. Leave a dollar more than you normally would every time you tip. Or ten. 4. If someone is being snarky, instead of sinking to their level and being snarky back, raise them up by giving them the love. 5. Smile, compliment, and crack people up as often as possible. 6. Say yes to invitations that you wouldn’t normally say yes to because you hate to inconvenience the person offering. Take them up on it. Give them the opportunity to give to you. 7. Stop and feel in your body how great it feels when you give and receive; raise your frequency and expect more good things to come your way. 8. LOVE YOURSELF. And everybody benefits. CHAPTER 14: Gratitude: The Gateway Drug to Awesomeness 1: You cut yourself off from the supply of awesomeness when you are not in a state of gratitude. 2: The more consistently you stay in gratitude and focused on that which is good, the stronger your connection to Source Energy is, and the more quickly and effortlessly you’ll be able to manifestthat which is unseen into your reality. 3: Faith is having the audacity to believe in the not-yet seen. 4: Faith is your best buddy when you’re scared shitless. 5: Being in gratitude for the not-yet manifested informs The Universe that you know that what you desire already exists, and puts you at the right frequency to receive it. Trade in your drama about how you can’t have what you want for the grateful expectation that miracles will walk into your life, and the more commonplace those miracles will become. Here are some ways you can practice: 1. THIS IS GOOD BECAUSE... Whenever anything excellent or mediocre or lame or annoying happens to you, meet it with the statement, “This is good because . . . ” and fill in the blank. Once you make this a regular practice, you’ll see how much easier it is to be in gratitude for much more than you realized. 2. WRITE YOUR THANK-YOU NOTES Every night before you go to bed, review your day and either write down or mentally note ten thingsyou can be grateful for in your life. 3. LOVE YOURSELF Be grateful for all you are and all that you’re becoming CHAPTER 15: Forgive or Fester Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. —Lily Tomlin; actress, writer, comedienne, absurdist 1: The moment you decide to forgive and let your negative feelings melt away, you are on the road to freedom. 2: Holding on to resentment is like taking poison and waiting for your enemies to die. 3: Forgiving isn’t about being nice to them, it’s about being nice to yourself. Okay, so great, yes, we get it. Now how do you actually let it all go? How do you forgive the stupid bastard? 1. FIND COMPASSION Finding compassion for yourself or someone else who did something so so so so awful is like pulling a bullet out of your arm: You may kick and scream and hate it at first, but, in the long run, it’s the only way to start the real healing. 2. ERASE THE OTHER PERSON FROM THE EQUATION Imagine you’ve got two employees who don’t show up for work on the same day, leaving you to handle everything yourself the morning before a huge presentation. One of them blows you offbecause she’s hung over and just couldn’t deal, but the other found out that her beloved mother suddenly died and had to run off to the airport, forgetting to call you in her emotional haze. Same exact result—you’re ditched and left to do all the work your-self—two totally different ways to react. Which means . . . . . you have a choice! One choice puts you at risk of busting an artery out of rage, the other opens your heart. Another option is to picture yourself hanging out in your brand new boat and an empty boat floats up and bangs into you, leaving a scratch. If there’s nobody in the boat, there’s nobody to get mad at and you deal with the situation in a much calmer, inquisitive way. If there’s some moron driving that other boat who bangs into you because they’re checking a text, however, you deal with it by going crazy and calling them a bunch of names related to genitalia. Again, same exact situation—you get a scratch on your boat—two different ways to react. When someone does something awful to you, take that person out of the equation so you can open yourself up to have a more pleasant, and productive, reaction (and life). It’s not about them anyway, it’s about you. If you have nobody to be angry at, it’s hard to be angry. Instead, it opens the incident up for questioning. Why did this happen? How was I involved? Why did I attract this to myself? How can I grow from this? How can I find compassion for everyone involved? When you’re consumed by resentment, the lesson can’t get through all your inner, and outer, screaming and yelling. Do yourself a favor and use irritating situations and people as opportunities for growth, not pain. 3. DECIDE YOU’D RATHER BE HAPPY THAN RIGHT 4. LOOK AT IT FROM ALL ANGLES 5. HAVE A TOTAL SHITFIT Go somewhere alone and far away from other people and beat the hell out of a pillow or a mattress or some other soft, inanimate object that won’t hurt your fist or punch you back. Scream and yell about what a selfish little pig this other person is and go for it 100 percent until you’re exhausted or someone calls the cops on you. Get it out of your system, totally and completely, and then let it go. 6. REMEMBER THAT YOU WON’T EVEN REMEMBER THIS Try and think about someone who had you totally freaking out and all pissed off three years ago. Can you even come up with someone? If you can, can you get all worked up about them now? Whatever or whomever you’re needing to forgive in this moment will most likely be a mere blip not very long from now (depending on the severity of the situation, of course). So why make a huge drama out of it if you’re only going to forget all about it one day? See it as the future non-event that it is and start forgiving and forgetting right away. 7. FUGGETABOUTIT Once you’ve truly forgiven someone, wipe the slate clean. 8. LOVE YOURSELF You deserve it. CHAPTER 16: Loosen Your Bone, Wilma Here’s what India taught me about tapping into the Mother Lode: • Talk to strangers, we’re all family on this planet. • Expect, and enjoy, the unexpected. • Find the humor. • Join the party. • Live in the moment. • Time spent enjoying yourself is never time wasted. • Share your space. • Loosen your bone, Wilma LOVE YOURSELF And life becomes a party. PART 4: HOW TO GET OVER YOUR B.S. ALREADY CHAPTER 17: It’s So Easy Once You Figure Out It Isn’t Hard 1: Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. —Albert Einstein; scientist, awesomist 2: What you choose to focus on becomes your reality. 3: Our entire experience on this planet is determined by how we choose to perceive our reality. If you want to join the party and shift your perspective, do what I say in this book (and really DO it, don’t just half-ass it. And while you’re at it, believe it too). Commit to releasing your attachment to low-frequency thoughts and experiences, trust that the Universe loves the crap out of you, kick fear in the face, and head bravely into the unknown. Also, do the following: 1. BECOME AWARE OF WHAT YOUR STORIES ARE We call these “stories” because they are just that. They are not the truth. And they can be rewritten. You’re the author of your own life— not your parents, not society, not your partner, not your friends, not the bullies who called you Fatzilla in junior high—and the sooner you decide to write yourself a better script, the sooner you get to live a more awesome life. Before you can let go of your stories, get clear on what they are. Listen to what you say and what you think about and start busting yourself in your own lies. We get so used to, and so identify with, our broken records that we don’t even notice they exist or that they’re not even real. And yet we’ll fight to the death to uphold their nontruths! Listen specifically for sentences that begin with: I always . . . I never . . . I can’t . . . I should . . . I suck at . . . I wish . . . I want (as opposed to I will and I am) . . . I don’t have . . . One day . . . I’m trying to . . . Sad-sack Jane, the lawyer, says she should keep her miserable job at the prestigious firm because she’ll never find one that she likes that pays as well. Really? Is that why nobody on earth, anywhere, is doing a job that they love and making even more money than you make, Jane? Lonely-hearted Sally always says she can’t find a good, single man because there aren’t any left out there. Really Sally? All the good, single men were hunted down and killed so no matter how many dates you go on or how many times you put on sexy high heels and hang around at Home Depot,you’ll never bump into one? Was the awesome guy your friend Deb just met the lone survivor of the good guy genocide? Broke-ass Joe, the personal trainer, always talks about how he can’t make any money and how there are no high-paying clients out there. Really Joe? Not any? Anywhere? Then how is it that other personal trainers have more high-paying clients than they can handle? And that some even created energy drinks and work-out products with their pictures on them and are raking it in on QVC? Another good place to catch yourself in a story is by looking at the areas in your life that are sagging. If you’re constantly angry, maybe your story is, “Nobody understands me.” If you’re always overweight, maybe your story is, “I have no self-discipline.” If you’re uninvited from Thanksgiving dinner because you wouldn’t let anyone else talk at the last three family gatherings, maybe your story is, “Nobody pays any attention to me.” Remember, as Wallace Wattles said: To think what you want to think is to think the truth, regardless of appearances. Instead of pretending to be stuck in these lame-o realities, use your power of thought to change your attitude and change your life. Start paying attention: What are your favorite, self-sabotaging stories? What do you hear yourself think and say over and over again that has become who you are (or rather who you think you are)? Bust yourself in your own tired old broken records right now so you can set about rewriting your stories and create the kind of life you love. 2. BECOME AWARE OF WHAT YOU’RE GAINING FROM YOUR STORIES We pretty much don’t ever do anything that we don’t benefit from in some way, be it in a healthy way or an unhealthy way. If you’re perpetuating something dismal in your life because of some dopey story, there’s definitely something about it that you’re getting off on. Let’s say, for example, that your story is that you’re depressed. Chances are pretty good that even though it feels awful, when you feel awful you don’t have to work hard or do the laundry or go to the gym. It also feels very familiar and cozy and comfortable. It gets you attention. People come in and check on you and sometimes bring food. It gives you something to talk about. It allows you to not try too hard or move forward and face possible failure. It lets you drink beer for breakfast. Let’s say your story is that you can’t make money. By staying broke, you get to be right. You get to be a victim, which makes you dependent on other people and gets you attention. Other people will offer to pay. You don’t have to take responsibility. You get to give up before you start and avoid possible failure. If things in your life fall far below the mediocre scale, you get to blame other people and circumstances instead of taking risks to change it because you can’t afford to take risks. Let’s say your story is that you stink at relationships. You get your freedom. You don’t have to commit and can keep looking for the greener grass on the other side. You don’t have to risk getting hurt by being vulnerable. You get to complain about always being single and get sympathy. You get the whole bed to yourself, never have to compromise, and don’t have to shave unless it’s summer. We don’t realize it, but we’re making the perks we get from perpetuating our stories more important than getting the things we really want because it’s familiar territory, it’s what we’re comfy with and we’re scared to let it go. If we’ve been depressed or victimized or whatever sincechildhood, we trick ourselves into believing that it’s really who we are as adults in order to continue reaping “the rewards.” It’s how we survived as kids, but it doesn’t serve us anymore so we need to get rid of it or we’ll just keep creating more of it. For example, let’s say you grew up with a violent alcoholic father, and your way to protect yourself from being the target of his rage was to never speak up, to never let yourself or your wants and wishes be visible. Cut to you as an adult who never speaks your truth or who never stands up for yourself. You’re still reaping the false rewards, you’re playing it safe, not risking getting hurt or yelled at, but this behavior is backfiring on you because by hiding and not taking a stand for yourself, you’re living a life that totally makes you want to roll over and go back to sleep every morning instead of getting up and facing your day. Once you identify the false benefits you’re reaping from holding onto your stories, you can start the process of letting them go and replace them with new empowered ones that serve the adult you. 3. GET RID OF YOUR STORIES Once you know what the beast looks like, you can slay it. Take your list of “can’ts” and “shoulds” and “I nevers,” etc., and write stream of consciousness in a journal (see example below), and really feel in your body what you’re getting from these old limiting beliefs such as: “I feel special, I feel safe, I get to live with my parents and never get a job,” etc. Make a list of these false rewards. Really push yourself to get them all on to the page. Then feel the attention the specialness or the comfort or the safety or whatever your trip is and really become clear on it. Catch yourself fully in the act and feel it all the way through. Now look at your list of false rewards for what they really are: scared little parts of yourself acting out. Thank them for trying to protect you and for keeping you company, but tell them it’s time to run along now. Then, replace the feelings you got from these false rewards with the feelings of joy and power and excitement that stepping into who you truly are and who you’re now becoming will bring. Imagine that childish version of yourself leaving your body and the powerful adult stepping in. Breathe in the adult; breathe out the kid and the old story. It’s like finally taking the keys to the Ferrari back from the seven-year-old version of yourself who’s been driving it all this time, nearly getting you killed. See yourself as the adult stepping in to take your place behind the wheel. Keep envisioning (or writing down) what it looks and feels like to have the real, adult you replace your old childhood story. Feel it. Get excited by it. Then make the decision that you’re ready to change and take positive action in the direction you want to go. For example, let’s say that lonely-hearted Sally finally got fed up enough to get mighty real with herself and face her issues around relationships. She’d start by getting clear on what her stories are: I can’t meet a man because there aren’t any good ones left. I suck at flirting. I never know what to say to men. I’m not attractive to men. Not the good ones anyway. I scare men away.I don’t trust men. I don’t believe there really is anyone out there for me. Once she’s got her list (which could easily go on for pages, BTW, but for the sake of example, and because I’d like to leave the house today, we’ll stick with these), Sally can stream of consciousness journal about the false rewards she’s getting. And by stream of consciousness I mean just let it flow, don’t edit or overthink it too much, just write. In Sally’s case, her journaling could look like: By saying there aren’t any good men out there I don’t have to take responsibility for why I’m not meeting any. I get to feel victimized and right for staying single. I get to prove how lame men are by never being with a good one. My pain of feeling unworthy and my mistrust of men get proven right when I stay single. I feel like I know what I’m doing and in control by not letting anyone get close to me. I feel free. I feel safe. I feel special because I get attention for breaking the rules. Again, this could go on for pages but you get the idea. Once she’s gotten all her false rewards on the page, Sally can then focus on them, feel them all the way through, thank them for trying to protect her (we don’t want to turn this into a self-loathing exercise please) and release them by replacing them with new, powerful stories. She can literally take each one and replace it with a new truth. For example: By saying there aren’t any good men out there I don’t have to take responsibility for why I’m not meeting any. Then becomes: The world is filled with awesome, loving men, and I am fully capable of, and so excited to find me a good one. I get to feel victimized and right for staying single. Then becomes: I am powerful and in control of my life. I choose to love and be loved. I get to prove how lame men are by never being with a good one. Then becomes: I love and trust men and am so thrilled to be with an awesome guy who makes me giddy with happiness. These new stories become her new truth, and in order to make them stick, she focuses on them, breathes them in and feels how happy they make her feel. These stories are her new affirmations(remember those?) that she will not only write down and repeat and bombard herself with over and over and over, but that she will instantly replace her old stories with if they should fly out of her mouth or into her mind out of habit. Let’s review, shall we? 1. List off your old stories that you’ve gotten into the habit of thinking and saying. 2. Journal about the false rewards you get from them. 3. Feel into these false rewards, thank them for their help, and decide to let them go. 4. Take each false reward and write a new, powerful story to replace it with. 5. Repeat this new story, or affirmation, over and over and over until it becomes your truth. 6. Behold your awesome new life. Nothing in this world is permanent, including our stories. Yet we try to hold on to them for false security, which ultimately leads to sorrow and loss. Be willing to let go. Keep reinventing your story as you continue to grow. 4. GET A MOVE ON Once you’ve gotten clear on your story and have done the energy work above, take action. If you were once depressed but have decided to let it go, stop listening to melancholy music, stop talking about how lousy you feel, stop pretending that putting on your bathrobe counts as getting dressed, etc. Instead, focus on the good and do the things you love to do— make an effort instead of collapsing into the familiar feeling of being depressed. Realize that you’ve gotten into habits with these things and switch them around. Behave the way a person who isn’t depressed behaves. Dress how they dress, hang out with the kinds of people they hang out with, speak the way they speak, do the things they do. Really sink into the understanding that you can have what you want. This won’t work if you just pretend. You can’t be like, “Okay, I’m going out on a date, I’m telling myself I am going to have a great time but I know it’s going to be hideous because it’s always hideous but I’m having a good attitude about it.” Going out into the world and trying, yet still deep-down believing that you’re ruled by your past circumstances, is like forgiving someone but still hoping they sit in something wet. 5. GET OUT OF YOUR ROUTINE Talk to strangers, wear something different, go to a new grocery store, make dinner for someone who you want to get to know better, change toothpastes, go to a movie at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday, learn three new jokes, walk taller, notice five awesome things you’ve never noticed about your home, your beliefs, your mother, your face. Do things that pull you out of your routine and you’ll be amazed by the new realities that were there all along that suddenly presents themselves. 6. SIDESTEP THE SPIRAL There’s also the ever-popular Spiral Into Darkness where you begin by being sad that your dog died then realize that not only are you now dogless, but you’re still single and you will always be single because everyone, including your dog, leaves you, which probably wouldn’t be the case if you didn’t have such fat thighs or weren’t so overshadowed by your gorgeous sister who is pretty much the main reason you’ve had no self-confidence your entire life and wah wah wah. Feel sad, but don’t blow it up into some huge drama. If something negative happens in your life, feel it, learn from it, let it go and get back to focusing on the life you’re excited to live. 7. LOVE YOURSELF More than you love your drama. CHAPTER 18: Procrastination, Perfection, and a Polish Beer Garden Because so often when we say we’re unqualified for something, what we’re really saying is that we’re too scared to try it, not that wecan’t do it. Most of the time it’s not lack of experience that’s holding us back, but rather the lack of determination to do what we need to do to be successful. We put so much energy into coming up with excuses why we can’t be, do, or have the things we want, and designing the perfect distractions to keep us from our dreams—imagine how far we’d get if we just shut up and used all that energy to go for it instead? Here’s the good news: 1. We all know way more than we give ourselves credit for knowing. 2. We are drawn to things we’re naturally good at (which counts more than having a graduate degree in the subject, BTW). 3. There’s no better teacher than necessity. 4. Passion trumps fear. Procrastination is one of the most popular forms of self-sabotage because it’s really easy. If you’re serious about changing your life, you’ll find a way. If you’re not, you’ll find an excuse. In the interest of getting you where you want to go in this lifetime, here are some tried-and-true tips to help you stop procrastinating: 1. REMEMBER THAT DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT 2. NOTICE WHERE YOU STOP When you’re working on whatever you’re working on, or whatever you’re pretending to work on, where exactly do you stop? Is it when you have to do the research? Make the scary phone calls? Figure out how to raise the money? Right after you start? When you have to commit? When it starts getting good? Right before it takes off? Before you even get out of bed? If you can pinpoint the precise moment that you say, “Screw it—I’m outta here!” you can prepare yourself for hitting the oil slick by hiring coaches or assistants or psyching yourself up or delegating that particular part of it out, or removing known distractions. For example, let’s say you discover that every time you sit down to make calls to try and book yourself a speaking gig, you mysteriously find yourself pulled into Facebook for hours, turn off the Internet, or go someplace to make your calls where you can’t get online. Like a park. Or your car. Or Antarctica. And then decide that you have to make five calls before you can check back in and see if anyone commented on the picture you posted of your cat eating a potato chip. 3. MAKE A BET WITH SOMEONE MEAN A good way to make yourself accountable is to make a bet with someone who will hold you to it. They must have no mercy—they can’t coddle you or “understand that you tried your best.” 4. OWN IT AND WORK WITH IT If you’re the kind of person who blows everything off until the last minute, and you know this about yourself, why waste your time freaking out while you’re not doing what you’re supposed to be doing? Go to the damn beach, have a cocktail, and when the pressure’s on, get down to business. There’s nothing worse than time wasted pretending to work or stressing out while trying to have fun—no work gets done and no fun is had. It’s the worst of both worlds. Figure out how much time you truly need to get the job done, and go do something else until the clock starts ticking. 5. LOVE YOURSELF Right now, wherever you’re at CHAPTER 19: The Drama of Overwhelm 1: I have lived a long life and had many troubles, most of which never happened. —Mark Twain; American author, humorist 2: Life is but a dream. Don’t turn it into a nightmare. In the interest of helping you get a more pleasant perspective on your massive to-do list, let’s take the three most common complaints about overwhelm and pretty them up: Thanks to the hard work of people with big brains, we now know that time is an illusion. While mostpeople have no idea what the hell that means, there is another angle that’s a lot easier to grasp; not having time is an illusion. For example: I don’t have time to find a real parking spot so I’ll park in this loading zone. Oh, look at that, I just spent three hours I don’t have getting my car out of the tow garage, another two getting lost on the way home, and forty-five minutes complaining about it to my wife. I don’t have time to clean my office. Oh, look at that, I just spent a half an hour that I don’t have looking for my phone that was buried beneath a pile of crap. Oh, and look at that, my phone is dead, which means I’m about to waste even more time I don’t have looking for the damn charger which might be under this pile of books over here please I hope . . . When we’re forced to do something, suddenly the time is there. Which means it’s there all the time, but we’ve just chosen to limit ourselves by believing that it isn’t. Ever notice how if you’ve got six months to do something, it’ll take you six months to do it, but if you have a week, it’ll take you a week? Once you understand that time, like the rest of your reality, is in your mind, you can make it work for you instead of being its slave. Here are some things you can do right now to start wrangling time into submission: A: SHOW SOME RESPECT If you want more time in your life, show time some respect. If you’re constantly late, if you blow things off or if you’re a flake, you’re not sending a message to The Universe—or others, or yourself— that you value this precious time that you crave and are trying to create more of for yourself. You can create anything you desire, but you have to truly want it. If you act like time isn’t important, that it’s fully worth wasting and disrespecting, you’re not in alignment with what you say you want so you’re gonna have a hard time getting it. I mean, think of time as a person. Would you expect time to keep showing up for you if you constantly treated it like it was just some dumb thing that didn’t matter? I should think not. If you’re always late, start being early. If you constantly cancel or flake or forget your dates with people, get it together. Write down your appointments and keep them. Set your alarm on your cell phone to remind you to get ready. Early. Write things on the back of your hands. Keep your word if you say you’re going to do something. It’s not rocket science—if you want to have a good relationship with time, have a good relationship with time. Not only will this help you create more time in your own life, but you’ll stop being one of those rude people who constantly wastes everyone else’s. B: KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER What do you find yourself doing instead of doing what you’re supposed to be doing? Screwing around on Facebook? Answering e-mails? Eating even though you’re not hungry? Once you know what your favorite distractions are, you can build up a good defense against them. Turn off the Internet and phone while you’re working. Make the kitchen off-limits until you’re done if you constantly findyourself standing in front of the open refrigerator door in a stupor. We get into such bad habits that half the time we don’t even realize what we’re doing. Once you become aware of what your weak spots are, you can start to protect yourself against them. C: CHUNK IT DOWN There’s nothing more deflating than looking at some giant task and wondering how you’ll ever get it all done. So don’t try and eat the whole elephant at once, break it down into bite-sized bits. For example, instead of walking around your entire house, from one catastrophically messy room to the next, wondering how you’re ever going to clean the whole gigantic thing (and trying to figure out how you can justify not doing it instead of trying to figure out how you’re going to do it) break it down and just focus on one room at a time. Our brains can only handle so much information at once without exploding, so by looking at each task separately, the larger task suddenly becomes more manageable. Brains love chunks. Chunking it down works great for time too. For example, if you’re working on designing a new website, instead of setting aside the entire day to work, decide that you’ll work in hour-long chunks. During this time you are unauthorized to get up to use the bathroom, get something to eat, check your texts, go online, etc. Once your sixty minutes is up, you can take a break and do whatever you want until your next sixty-minute chunk. We can do anything for sixty minutes. Our brains go into overwhelm when we try to do it all in one big block of time. 2. THERE’S TOO MUCH TO DO Ever notice that whenever you ask someone how they’re doing, about 99 percent of the time they say something like “Good. Really busy, but good.” “Busy” has become the new “Fine, thanks.” I mean, where’s the fun in that? What kind of message does that send out to the world and ourselves? No wonder we all feel like we’re living pinned beneath a giant, cement slab of a to-do list. So, yes, the first task is to: WATCH YOUR MOUTH Stop talking about how busy you are. Focus on what you enjoy about what you do and the spaces in between the doing instead of feeling weighed down by it all. Decide that you live an awesome, relaxed life full of interesting projects that you love doing and communicate that to the world and yourself. And then go out and merrily do it. GET SOME HELP If you’re feeling totally confused and disorganized and don’t know where to start or what to do next,get some outside perspective. A lot of times we’re so tangled up in our own lives that we can’t see something that’s totally obvious to someone else. Ever spend some quality time searching for your glasses when they’re sitting right on your head? It’s sort of like that. You could spend hours or days or months (or forever) trying to figure out how to re-do your website or plotting out an exercise regimen or figuring out how to organize your office, when someone who isn’t as buried alive by all the moving parts as you are can nail it right away. Get a new pair of eyeballs on the situation. And get someone who knows what they’re doing please. Don’t get money advice from someone who’s as broke as you are or dating advice from the terminally single or decide that someone’s main qualification for helping you is that they’ll do it for free or trade. Working with a pro will save you time and money in the long run because you won’t have to spend time undoing, or doing over, whatever your wimpy first attempt was. Hire a business coach, ask a friend who is totally together and successful to sit with you, hire a clutter consultant, and if none of this makes sense for your particular situation, read on: GET INTO REALITY Sometimes we take on more than we can chew because we think we have to do it all. Or that the world will fall apart if we don’t do everything. Or that we are bad, unlovable people if we don’t do the eight million things we’re trying to do. So get very real with yourself here— why are you doing all the things you’re doing? Is it absolutely necessary that you do it all? Do you need to do it all at the same time? Can some of it wait? Be handed off to someone else? Dropped altogether? And if you must do it all, what would make it more enjoyable? Just like chunking down your time, chunking down your tasks takes you out of freak-out and puts things into manageable, bite-sized pieces. Here’s how to break it down: Make your to-do list. Look at it. What needs to happen right now? What can wait? Put these on two separate lists. Hide the Wait list. What are the big important tasks on the Now list? What are the little piddly ones? Give the piddly ones to someone else or save them for off hours and spend the day doing the most important tasks. It’s called prioritizing people! The shorter the list you’re working with, the better you’ll feel. And remember: You’re never gonna get it all done. So stop stressing about it. Do what you can do in joy, instead of trying to do it all in misery. DELEGATE OR DIE You absolutely cannot grow a business, get promoted or be a cool parent, and you absolutely will go gray before your time, if you try and do every single little thing by yourself. REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE #1 Put your priorities first—don’t check e-mails or voice messages or Facebook until you’ve gotten into your day and accomplished some of the tasks you want to do. Don’t answer the phone or texts while you’re busy. Other people’s needs can occupy several lifetimes’ worth of our attention, and if you let them, they will. 3. I’M EXHAUSTED The belief that taking time off will cause your entire life to collapse is not only unhealthy, but it’s arrogant (the world will go on if you stop working, you see). If you don’t take time off, your body will eventually put its foot down and make you sick. Bodies do it all the time. Stress is a leading cause of cancer, heart attacks, liver failure, stupid accidents, grouchiness, and suddenly not being able to breathe. 4. LOVE YOURSELF You’re doing an awesome job. CHAPTER 20: Fear Is for Suckers 1: We tiptoe through life hoping to safely make it to death. —Unknown 2: To fear or not to fear, that is the question. 3: We’ve made being in fear a habit. 4: Is your fear greater than your faith in the unknown (and yourself)? Or is your faith in the unknown (and yourself) greater than your fear? 5: Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. 6: On the other side of your fear is your freedom. Here are some helpful ways to navigate your way through the jungle of fear: 1. VIEW FEAR FROM YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR Think about some radical thing you did in the past that literally gave you the shakes it was so big and scary. And now look back on it—how terrifying is it now? Can you conjure up any scary feelings about it? Even a weensy twinge of fear? Keep this in mind as you face each new challenge: No matterhow intimidating your next great leap forward seems at the moment, it will be a pipsqueak when you look back on it someday. So why wait? Why not look at it through pipsqueak colored glasses right now? Envision your challenges from the future, look back on them from a place of victory, and they will lose much of their power to paralyze you. Our greatest fears are the greatest waste of time. 2. FLIP THE FEAR When you find yourself letting fear push you around, look at it from a different perspective. Start by breaking it down, finding what it is that you’re really afraid of and then flipping it around to make it work for you, not against you. Show it who’s boss. Feed your fear a suck-it sandwich. For example: I want to write a book but can’t get myself to sit down and do it. Why not? I’m scared that if I do it will be terrible. What happens if it’s terrible? If it’s terrible I’ll look stupid. Then what? People will make fun of me. Then what? I’ll feel ashamed. Okay, so you’re not writing your book in order to protect yourself from feeling stupid and ashamed. Now flip it: How stupid and ashamed will you feel if you don’t write your book? Very. I know it’s a brilliant idea. And it’s a big dream of mine. So will your strategy of not writing it in order to protect yourself from feeling stupid and ashamed protect you from feeling stupid and ashamed? No. And since you’re risking feeling stupid and ashamed either way, which version is worse—trying to write it and having it be terrible or never going for it and living an unlived life of mediocrity, wimpiness; and shame? Living an unlived life of mediocrity, wimpiness; and shame. Break it down so you can really look at, and defuse, what it is about a situation that’s scaring you. Fear is all about how you choose to look at things, so by changing your perspective on it you can let the fear of NOT doing the thing you’re scared of fuel your quest to greatness. 3. BE IN THE MOMENT Is anything scary happening to you right now at this very moment? Right now, where you’re sitting, is anything bad actually happening or is it just the thoughts in your head that are freaking you out? You deplete the much-needed energy you need to kick ass by freaking out before something even happens. 4. CUT OFF THE STREAM OF CRAP Be more conscious of the information you absorb. What blogs do you read? What shows do you watch? What books do you read? What stories do you read in the paper? What movies do you go to? Whose opinion do you ask? What do you focus on in your day-to-day life? This isn’t about being in denial or out of touch with what’s going on in the world, it’s about how much of this information you really need. Are you staring at a car accident or are you gathering information that will allow you to contribute to positive change? Wallowing in the pain and suffering isn’t going to help anyone, yourself included, any more than starving yourself will help the hungry. If you want to help the world and yourself, keep your frequency high and do your work from a place of power and joy. 5. DON’T THINK OF ANYTHING UPSETTING IN BED AT NIGHT Our minds turn into gigantic magnifying glasses that make all our fears 100 percent bigger when we’re lying there as a captive audience at 3 a.m., in bed, with nothing to distract us. Unless you’regoing to get out of bed right then and there and take some sort of action, don’t waste your precious time thinking about your problems. Every time you do this, it’s never as bad the next morning when you get up. You know this and yet... 6. LOVE YOURSELF And you will be invincible. CHAPTER 21: Millions of Mirrors No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. —Eleanor Roosevelt; activist, feminist, superhero, longest-serving First Lady of the United States evah Your reality is created by what you focus on and how you choose to interpret it. This goes for everything, including the things you focus on about the people in your world. For example, depending on who you are, you could react in myriad ways to your new boyfriend or girlfriend constantly referring to you as “The Giant Dumbass.” You could A) See this as a red flag and think they’re a bully B) See this as a red flag and think they’re nervous or insecure and have terrible manners C) See this as a green light because “they are in so much pain that they need to abuse other people. They really need someone as understanding as I am” D) See this as a green light because you believe that you are, in fact, a giant dumbass or E) Think it’s hilarious because it doesn’t resonate with you. 1: The people you surround yourself with are excellent mirrors for who you are and how much, or how little, you love yourself. 2: Our reality is a mirror of our thoughts, the people in our reality included. 3: At the end of the day, it’s not about them, it’s about you believing you’re worthy of being loved and seen for who you really are. 4: It’s about respecting yourself, instead of catering to your insecure need to be liked. 5: Never apologize for who you are. It lets the whole world down. So how can you get rid of your lame-o projections and judgments and grace the world with your highest, most unapologetic self? 1. OWN YOUR UGLY Start noticing the things that drive you nuts about other people, and, instead of complaining or judging or getting defensive about them, use them as a mirror. Especially if you find yourself getting reallyworked up. Get mighty real with yourself—is this quality something you have yourself? Or is there a certain aspect to it that you’re loath to admit is just like you? Or does it remind you of something you’re actively trying to suppress? Or avoid? Or that you’re actively doing just the opposite of? Or that you’re threatened by? Become fascinated by, instead of furious about, the irritants surrounding you and get yer learnin’ on. 2. QUESTION YOUR UGLY Once you discover what part of yourself you’re projecting onto the person who is presently bugging the living crap out of you, you can start letting it go. Begin by asking yourself some very simple questions and defusing the limiting and false stories you’ve been lugging around for ages. For example, if you’re all pissed off that your friend who’s always late is late again, it’s pushing your buttons because you’re holding on to some sort of “truth” about the way people should be with time. Flip it around and ask yourself things like, “In what ways am I always late or inconsiderate or unreliable?” Or maybe it’s “In what ways am I’m too rigid or controlling?” Once you have your answer, ask yourself: WHO DO I NEED TO BE FOR THIS SITUATION NOT TO BOTHER ME? Using the above scenario, let’s say you discover that you’re a lot more rigid than you care to admit. This is very valuable information because you now know that in order to be happier, you need to loosen your bone, Wilma. Stop insisting that people do things exactly the way you do them (especially the people in your life who have proven they most definitely won’t), notice where you’re being ridiculously demanding simply because it’s become your habit, and not because it’s really necessary, and constantly ask yourself “can I let this one go?” By becoming aware of what we do, we can investigate why we do it and then choose to keep it or drop it, instead of blindly reacting through habit. WHAT AM I GETTING OUT OF BEING THIS WAY? As discussed in Chapter 17: It’s So Easy Once You Figure Out It Isn’t Hard, we don’t do anything unless we’re getting something out of it, even if what we’re getting are false benefits. Using this scenario, some of the positive benefits of being rigid are that you’re always on time, you get shit done, etc. But there are also some negative advantages to being rigid too; you intimidate people into getting your way, you get to be right whenever someone messes up (which they’ll do often if you’ve really honed the rigid thing well), you get to be in control, etc. Once you bust yourself on the false reward you’re getting from holding on to this behavior, you can see it for what it is—something that’s not always in alignment with who you truly are and aspire to be—and release it when it’s not working. HOW WOULD I FEEL IF I WASN’T THIS WAY? One of the best ways to release the aforementioned lousy behavior is by asking yourself how you’d feel if this wasn’t true for you anymore. “How would I feel if I took the pole out of my ass about everyone doing everything exactly how I say to do it, all the time, in every circumstance?” Ask the question and then imagine yourself as this person who has let it go. How does your body feel? What do you use the brain space for that used to be taken up with poisonous thoughts about the inconsiderate pinheads you’re surrounded by who are not following your instructions? Feel into the reality of what it would be to let this go, breathe into it, visualize it, fall in love with not having it anymore, and then kick it to the curb. 3. DON’T BE AN ENABLER In the fuzzier cases where you’re not sure what to do, but you really do want to help someone, recognize the difference between helping and enabling. When you reach out a helping hand, do you feel like they’re pulling you down or that you’re lifting them up toward their potential? Are they grateful or entitled? Do they use your help to actively move themselves in a positive direction or do they constantly need more-more-more? Just this one last time. For the fiftieth time. Pay attention and trust how you feel. If you’re truly helping them and they’re rising to the occasion, it will raise everyone’s frequencies and you’ll feel good. If you’re enabling them, you’ll feel heavy, depressed, and eventually resentful. While it’s no fun to kick someone to the curb when they’re at their lowest low, if you constantly bail them out, they’ll never wake up and save themselves. Why should they? They’ve got you to fund their pity party. Tough love is still love. 4. GIVE PAINFUL PEOPLE THE HEAVE-HO Sometimes, no matter how much work you do on yourself and how forgiving you are and how skilled you get at letting it go, there’s just no way around it: Some people are just too committed to their own dysfunction. They’re painful to be around. You’d rather cover yourself with the fleas of a thousand camels than go out for a cup of coffee with them. FIRST, FEED YOUR HEAD As discussed, lot of times the people we need to kick to the curb happen to be those we love, or at least like a lot, for their decent qualities. Hence ye olde guilt can really get in our way when trying todo the right thing. So stay strong. See it as being nice to yourself instead of being mean to them. Remembering that you are rising up to be the highest version of yourself instead of shrinking down to their level can give you the strength you need to shake them off your leg. NEXT, HIT EJECT Another important thing to remember when yanking the weeds out of your garden is not to get involved in their drama. Cut the cord as quickly and simply as possible, with little to no discussion. If they’re so oblivious to your feelings that you need to toss them out of your life, chances are very good they won’t see this coming, so the discussion on why you need to end it could go on for the rest of your lives if you let it. Suddenly get really busy, fade them out, wean them off you with zero explanation. The louder they scream, the busier you suddenly get. If having a conversation is unavoidable, remember: You’ve already decided that you want out, so don’t get sucked into working through your decision, or their problems, with them. Simply say that the relationship isn’t working for you, that you don’t like how it makes you feel, that you have to end it, and that it’s not open for discussion. Make it all about you, give them nothing to work with or argue on their behalf. 5. LOVE YOURSELF Fiercely, loyally, unapologetically CHAPTER 22: The Sweet Life The cat and my dad share the same superhero power: They both have the ability to make me pay lots of attention to them and be nicer to them than I am to anyone else. Anyone else not staring down the barrel of their impending mortality, that is. I first realized that my cat was old and might die soon about a year ago when, overnight, all his body fat plunged to his belly region, causing him to swing it around like an udder and leaving him with a spine that’s still in shock, jutting out all spindly and jagged, wondering where everybody went. This is when the teary farewells started every time I’d leave the house and the fancy wet food began appearing in his bowl. In Dad’s case, the phone calls and flights back east have escalated dramatically, and I now laugh hysterically at all his jokes, no doubt making him worry more about my well being than I do about his. I’m thrilled to report that even though in the calendar’s opinion, they’re real old, they’re both still kicking butt. Dad plays tennis once a week and still knows who I am, and my cat still runs when he hears the can opener. They are also excellent reminders: When it comes to the creatures you love and the things you love and the life you love, what on earth could possibly be more important than soaking them up right now while you still have the opportunity? If it’s something you want to do, don’t wait until you’re less busy or richer or “ready” or twenty pounds lighter. Start right now. You’ll never be this young again. If it’s the people you love, visit them as often as possible. Act as if every time you see them will be the last. If they bug you sometimes, love them anyway. If you’ve got differences, get over them. Don’t get so tangled up in the stupid little stuff that you miss out on enjoying the people who have partownership of your heart. If you’re not where you want to be in life, keep going. Treat yourself like you’re the closest friend you’ve got. Celebrate the magnificent creature that you are. Don’t let anyone mess with you and your dreams, least of all yourself. Your life is happening right now. Do not snooze and lose. LOVE YOURSELF While you’ve still got the chance. PART 5: HOW TO KICK SOME ASS CHAPTER 23: The Almighty Decision 1: So often, we pretend we’ve made a decision, when what we’ve really done is signed up to try until it gets too uncomfortable. 2: Nobody gets to the top of the mountain without falling on his face over and over again. Temporary failure is all the rage. All the cool kids have done it: • Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team for lack of skill. • Steven Spielberg, a high school dropout, was rejected from film school three times. • Thomas Edison, who was dubbed too stupid to learn anything by a teacher, tried more than nine thousand experiments before successfully creating the light bulb. • Soichiro Honda, the founder of Honda Motor Company, was turned down by Toyota for an engineering position so he started his own damn company. • Beethoven’s music teacher told him he was talentless, and more specifically, was hopeless at composing. Beethoven turned a deaf ear. (I know, so bad. Sorry.) • Fred Smith wrote a paper while at Yale about his big idea for an overnight delivery service. He got a C. He went on to create FedEx anyway. The only failure is quitting. Everything else is just gathering information. There are plenty of people out there in the world living the kind of life you only dream about living, many of whom are far less fabulous and talented than you are. They key to their success is that they decided to go for it, they stopped listening to their tired old excuses, changed their lousy habits, and got the fuck on the fuck. Here’s how you can, too: 1. WANT IT BAD You need to have a ten-ton gorilla of desire behind your decision or else you’ll wimp out the second things get hard. 2. GET GOOD AT IT Deciding is freedom. Indecision is torture. Indecision is one of the most popular tricks for staying stuck within the boundaries of what’s safe and familiar. Which is why a common trait of successful people is that they make decisions quickly and change them slowly. Decide to become the person who makes quick, smart decisions and you will. 3. ELIMINATE THE NEGOTIATION PROCESS When I decided to quit smoking, if I even toyed with thoughts like “Well, what harm will one itty-bitty drag do?” I was screwed. Our decisions must be watertight, because excuses will seep through any little cracks in our resolve and before we know it, we’ll be on our asses. Decisions are not up for negotiation. 4. STICK LIKE GLUE I used to write for an entrepreneurial magazine where I got to interview all these hugely successful business owners. Whenever I asked them what the secret to their success was, the overwhelming majority answered: Tenacity. Be the last person standing. Wear down your obstacles and excuses and fears and doubts until they’re finally like, “You? Again? Jesus H. Christ, fine, here you go, now get out of my face.” Birthing your dreams is like.... giving birth. Conceiving the idea is the fun part (hopefully), then you go through insane amounts of fear and excitement and dreaming and planning and vomiting and growing and thinking you’re crazy and thinking you’re awesome and stretching and shape shifting until you’re practically unrecognizable to everyone, even your own self. Along the way you clean up your puke and massage your aching back and apologize to all the people whose heads your ripped of in a hormonal killing spree, but you stay the course because you know this baby of yours is going to be the bomb. Then, finally, just when you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, labor starts. Your innards twist and strangle and force you to stumble around hunched over in the shape of the letter “C” while you breathe and pray and curse and just when you think it can’t get any more out-of-your-mind painful, a giant baby head squeezes out of a tiny hole in your body. Then. A full-blown miracle appears. In order to change your life and start living a new one that you’ve never lived before, your faith in miracles, and yourself, must be greater than your fear. However easy or rough your birth process is, you have to be willing to fall down, get up, look stupid, cry, laugh, make a mess, clean it up and notstop until you get there. No matter what. 5. LOVE YOURSELF You can do anything. CHAPTER 24: Money, Your New Best Friend 1: When you up-level your idea of what’s possible, and decide to really go for it, you open yourself up to the means to accomplish it as well. 2: Expand your beliefs about what is available to you in all areas of your life. 3: Money is currency and currency is energy. 4: Your beliefs hold the key to your financial success. 5: The more you have, the more you have to share. 6: One of the best things you can do to improve the world is to improve yourself. FIRST RULE OF WEALTH CONSCIOUSNESS: COME FROM A PLACE OF ABUNDANCE, NOT LACK SECOND RULE OF WEALTH CONSCIOUSNESS: GET CLEAR ON WHERE YOU’RE AT THIRD RULE OF WEALTH CONSCIOUSNESS: GET CLEAR ON WHERE YOU DESIRE TO BE FOURTH RULE OF WEALTH CONSCIOUSNESS: RAISE YOUR FREQUENCY # Nothing has any value other than the value we put on it. # In order to create wealth, you must bring yourself into energetic alignment with the money you desire to manifest. # Money is an exchange of energy between people. FIFTH RULE OF WEALTH CONSCIOUSNESS: STAY IN SHAPE # GET INTO REALITY ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO MAKE AND WHY # There is a big difference between walking around saying you want to make a million dollars a year, and having crystal clear intentions, fierce desire, and hell-bent action toward specific goals. # MAKE IT URGENT Ever notice how when your rent is due in a week and you have no idea how you’re going to pay it, or if you really need a specific amount of money for a specific urgent purpose like getting a throbber of a rotten tooth pulled, that you always manage to somehow figure out how to get the money just in time? Usually a check that you had forgotten about arrives in the mail or an unexpected freelance job comes in or you suddenly develop the nerve to ask somebody for a loan or you sell grandma’s jewelry or you compete with the five-year-old selling lemonade down the street and make a killing. You shift from wasting your time whining and worrying because you’re suddenly too busy making it happen. This is the power of: • Clarity • Urgency • Not screwing around # TAKE HELL-BENT-FOR-GLORY ACTION # GET MENTORING -- Surround yourself with people who know more than you do. # Love Yourself -- And you will have it all. CHAPTER 25: Remember to Surrender 1: Your faith in The Universe must be stronger than your fear of not getting what you want. 2: Surrendering is the part where you hand the job over to The Universe. 3: Your life is your party. You get to choose how you invite people and experiences and things into it. 4: Energy needs to flow or else it stagnates. Surrendering puts you in the flow. Here’s the basic breakdown on how to surrender: • Get crystal clear on what you desire to manifest • See it, feel it, taste it, fall in love with it, believe it is already here • Decide you will have it • Inform The Universe of your intention by behaving and thinking as if you already have it • Meditate, connect with infinite possibility, your intuition and Source Energy • Take hell-bent joyful, passion-fueled action • Be grateful that it’s yours, that it’s already here • Breathe, let it go, let it in. When you believe that everything you desire already exists, you are in a natural state of surrender. Love Yourself And the Motherlode shall bestow her magic upon you. CHAPTER 26: Doing vs. Spewing 1: An epiphany is a visceral understanding of something you already know. 2: “I tried” is the poor man’s “I kicked butt.” 3: You have to keep the faith, always, even when your ass is on the line. Here are some ways to take what you’ve learned in this book and seal the deal: 1. GIVE YOUR BAD HABITS THE HEAVE-HO 2. BREATHE AMONGST THE PEOPLE -- And not just in your meditation robe. 3. HANG HIGH Hang out with people who are kicking ass and who will make you feel like a giant loser if you’re not kicking ass, too. I (obviously) can’t stress this enough. 4. SET HONEST GOALS 5. READ YOUR MANIFESTO Write down your goals and your vision of your ideal life in the present tense and be as specific as possible. Where do you live, who do you live with, what do you do for fun, who are you surrounded by, how much money do you make, how do you make it, how do you give back to the world, what are you wearing, etc. Make it so freaking awesome that you can’t read it without weeping and wailing and putting it down to compose yourself every few sentences. Read it to yourself before you go to bed and when you wake up every single solitary day I am so not kidding over here. Become obsessed with it. Think about how you’re changing your life and who you’re becoming and be in a state of giddy expectation about it as often as possible. The more you focus on who you’re becoming, and the more emotional you can get about it, the faster you will become it. 6. GET OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD AND PAY FOR SOME HELP ALREADY 7. GET YOUR BODY IN ON IT Your mind will follow where your body leads. If you’re in a bad mood and remember to stand up nice and tall and straight, your mood will automatically lift. And when you’re in shape and have tons of energy, you feel like you can take over the world. If you’re serious about getting your act together, stop being a lazy cow. Get the blood flowing, eat food that excites you and nourishes you, get your breathing deeper. Use your mind, body, and soul together to make this thing happen for yourself. 8. USE YOUR SECRET WEAPONS Make a playlist of songs that gets you pumped up, listen to motivational tapes, surround yourself with pictures of people who think you’re awesome, wear clothes that make you feel sexy and smart, dance, scream, pound your chest, go for a run while listening to the theme from Rocky—figure out what makes you feel like you could carry a horse over your head and do it as often as possible. You are going for the gold here, you have to stay in The Zone. 9. LOVE YOURSELF With a kung fu grip. CHAPTER 27: Beam Me Up, Scotty My grandmother on my mother’s side lived to be one hundred years old. Nana was as WASPy as they make ’em: prissy, reserved, able to avoid confrontation with the skilled precision of an F-16 pilot. For as long as I can remember, she always looked exactly the same. She was eternally adorned in a cardigan, pinned together at the top by an antique broach, her pink lipstick and sparkly brown eyes shining through a face-full of wrinkles that erupted in a series of “oh dears” every time she laughed. In her long lifetime, Nana witnessed the birthing of such pivotal human achievements as the phone, the car, the TV, human flight, the computer, the internet and rock and roll. The two things that blew her mind the most, however, were putting a man on the moon and the soda dispensers at McDonalds. She’d stand there watching, gripped by disbelief, as an employee placed a cup, small, medium or large, beneath a spout, pushed a button and walked away, leaving the machine to fill it up the perfect, proper amount. “How does it know where to stop?” Nana would shake her head, mortified, “How does it know?!” After we figured out how to clone a sheep, she pretty much threw in the towel on ever questioning anything again. One day my family took her out for lunch to a restaurant on the top floor of some giant hotel. When we got into the elevator, someone accidentally pushed the button for the floor we were already on the moment the doors closed, making them open right back up again. Thinking we’d just gone up fortyfive-flights in a split second, we watched my sweet little grandmother exit the elevator, nervously patting her hair as she wandered down the hallway muttering to herself, “Why not?” I want to sign off here by encouraging you to pursue your dreams with the same belief that anything is possible as a little old lady in knee-high stockings and sensible heels who was born in 1903 and lived through the most technologically flabbergasting century to date. Whatever you desire to do with your precious life—write jokes or rock out or start a business or learn to speak Greek or quit your job or raise a bunch of kids or fall in love or lose your flab or open orphanages around the world or direct movies or save dolphins or make millions or live in a canyon in a loincloth—believe that it’s possible. And that it’s available to you. And that you deserve to be/do/have it. Why not? Give yourself the permission and the means (yes, this includes the money), to be who you are REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS OR BELIEVES IS POSSIBLE. Do not deny yourself the life you want to live because you’re worried you’re not good enough or that you’ll bejudged or that it’s too risky, because who does that benefit? No one, that’s who. When you live your life doing the things that turn you on, that you’re good at, that bring you joy, that make you shove stuff in people’s faces and scream, “check this out!!!” you walk around so lit up that you shoot sunbeams out of yer eyeballs. Which automatically lights up the world around you. Which is precisely why you are here: to shine your big-ass ball of fire onto this world of ours. A world that literally depends upon light to survive. You are powerful. You are loved. You are surrounded by miracles. Believe, really believe that what you desire is here and available to you. And you can have it all. Love Yourself You are a badass.
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