A happy couple's secret weapon
Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn't prevent couples from arguing. Instead, it gives them a secret weapon that prevents quarrels from getting out of hand. For example, here's what happens when Olivia and Nathaniel argue. As they plan to move from the city to the suburbs, tensions between them are high. Although they see eye to eye on which house to buy and how to decorate it, they are locking horns over buying a new car. Olivia thinks they should join the suburban masses and get a minivan. To Nathaniel nothing could be drearier--he wants a Jeep. The more they talk about it, the higher the decibel level gets. If you were a fly on the wall of their bedroom, you would have serious doubts about their future together. Then all of a sudden, Olivia puts her hands on her hips and, in perfect imitation of their four-year-old son, sticks out her tongue. Since Nathaniel knows that she's about to do this, he sticks out his tongue first. Then they both start laughing. As always, this silly contest defuses the tension between them.
In our research we actually have a technical name for what Olivia and Nathaniel did. Probably unwittingly, they used a repair attempt. This name refers to any statement or action--silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples--even though many of these couples aren't aware that they are doing something so powerful. When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way. But when couples are in negative override, even a repair statement as blunt as "Hey, I'm sorry" will have a low success rate.
The first sign leading to a divorce: harsh startup
The most obvious indicator that this discussion (and this marriage) is not going to go well is the way it begins. Dara immediately becomes negative and accusatory. When Oliver broaches the subject of housework, she's ready to be sarcastic. "Or lack thereof," she says. Oliver tries to lighten things up by cracking a joke: "Or the book we were talking about writing: Men are pigs." Dara sits pokerfaced. They talk a bit more, trying to devise a plan to make sure Oliver does his share, and then Dara says, "I mean, I'd like to see it resolved, but it doesn't seem like it is. I mean, I've tried making up lists, and that doesn't work. And I've tried letting you do it on your own, and nothing got done for a month." Now she's blaming Oliver. In essence, she's saying the problem isn't the housekeeping, it's him.
The second sign: the four horsemen
Horseman 1: Criticism.
You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there's a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate's character or personality. "I'm really angry that you didn't sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we'd take turns doing it" is a complaint.
"Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it's your turn. You just don't care" is a criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination. Here's a recipe: To turn any complaint into a criticism, just add my favorite line: "What is wrong with you?"
Horseman 2: Contempt.
Dara doesn't stop at criticizing Oliver. Soon she's literally sneering. When he suggests that they keep a list of his chores on the refrigerator to help him remember, she says, "Do you think you work really well with lists?" Next, Oliver tells her that he needs fifteen minutes to relax when he gets home before starting to do chores. "So if I leave you alone for fifteen minutes, then you think you'll be motivated to jump up and do something?" she asks him. "Maybe. We haven't tried it, have we?" Oliver asks.
Dara has an opportunity here to soften up, but instead she comes back with sarcasm. "I think you do a pretty good job of coming home and lying around or disappearing into the bathroom," she says. And then she adds challengingly "So you think that's the cure- all, to give you fifteen minutes?"
This sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt--the worst of the four horsemen--is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It's virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you're disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.
Horseman 3: Defensiveness.
It's no surprise, considering how nasty her husband is being, that Cynthia defends herself. She points out that she doesn't get her car washed as often as he thinks. She explains that it's more difficult physically for her to wash her car herself than it is for him to wash his truck.
Although it's understandable that Cynthia would defend herself, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.
You're saying, in effect, "The problem isn't me, it's you." Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it's so deadly. When Cynthia tells Peter how hard it is for her to wash her car, he doesn't say, "Oh, now I understand." He ignores her excuse--he doesn't even acknowledge what she's said. He climbs farther up his high moral ground, telling her how well he takes care of his vehicle and implying that she's spoiled for not doing the same. Cynthia can't win—and neither can their marriage.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling.
In marriages like Dara and Oliver's, where discussions begin with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This heralds the arrival of the fourth horseman.
Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stone waller. Although both husbands and wives can be stone wallers, this behavior is far more common among men, for reasons we'll see later.
During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives all kinds of cues to the speaker that he's paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, say something like "Yeah" or "uh-huh". But a stone waller doesn't give you this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stone waller acts as though he couldn't care less about what you're saying, if he even hears it.
The third sign: flooding
It may seem to Rita that her complaints have no effect on Mack. But nothing could be further from the truth. Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling flooded. Flooding means that your spouse's negativity--whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness--is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay The more often you feel Hooded by your spouse's criticism or contempt, the more hyper vigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to "blow" again. All you can think about is protecting yourself from the turbulence your spouse's onslaught causes. And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship. No wonder Mack and Rita are now divorced.
The fourth Sign: body language
Recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for two reasons. First, they signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Second, the physical sensations of feeling flooded--the increased heart rate, sweating, and so on-make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. When your body goes into overdrive during an argument, it is responding to a very primitive alarm system we inherited from our prehistoric ancestors. All those distressful reactions, like a pounding heart and sweating, occur because on a fundamental level your body perceives your current situation as dangerous. Even though we live in the age of in vitro conception, organ transplants, and gene mapping, from an evolutionary standpoint not much time has passed since we were cave dwellers. So the human body has not refined its fear reactions--it responds the same way, whether you're facing a saber-toothed tiger or a contemptuous spouse demanding to know why you can never remember to put the toilet seat back down.
The fifth sign: failed repair attempts
Repair attempts save marriages not just because they decrease emotional tension between spouses, but because by lowering the stress level they also prevent your heart from racing and making you feel flooded. When the four horsemen rule a couple's communication, repair attempts often don't even get noticed. Especially when you're feeling flooded, you're not able to hear a verbal white flag.
In unhappy marriages a feedback loop develops between the four horsemen and the failure of repair attempts. The more contemptuous and defensive the couple is with each other, the more flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair. And since the repair is not heard, the contempt and defensiveness just get heightened, making flooding more pronounced, which makes it more difficult to hear the next repair attempt, until finally one partner withdraws.
The sixth sign: bad memories
When a relationship gets subsumed in negativity, it's not only the couple's present and future life together that are put at risk. Their past is in danger, too. When I interview couples, I usually ask about the history of their marriage. I have found over and over that couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and their marriage often rewrite their past.
Most couples enter marriage with high hopes and great expectations. In a happy marriage couples tend to look back on their early days fondly. Even if the wedding didn't go off perfectly, they tend to remember the highlights rather than the low points. The same goes for each other. They remember how positive they felt early on, how excited they were when they met, and how much admiration they had for each other. When they talk about the tough times they've had, they glorify the struggles they've been through, drawing strength from the adversity they weathered together.
But when a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten for the worse. Now she recalls that he was thirty minutes late getting to the ceremony. Or he focuses on all that time she spent talking to his best man at the rehearsal dinner--or "flirting" with his friend, as it seems to him now. Another sad sign is when you find the past difficult to remember--it has become so unimportant or painful that you've let it fade away.
CH 3: Principle 1:
Enhance Your Love Maps
Rory was a pediatrician who ran an intensive care unit for babies. He was beloved at the hospital, where everybody called him Dr. Rory. He was a reserved man but capable of great warmth, humor, and charm. He was also a workaholic who slept in the hospital an average of twenty nights a month. He didn't know the names of his children's friends, or even the name of the family dog. When he was asked where the back door to the house was, he turned to ask his wife, Lisa.
His wife was upset with how little she saw of Rory and how emotionally unconnected to her he seemed to be. She frequently tried to make little gestures to show him she cared, but her attempts just annoyed him. She was left with the sense that he simply didn't value her or their marriage.
To this day I'm struck by the story of this couple. Here was an intellectually gifted man who didn't even know the name of the family dog or how to find the back door! Of the many problems their relationship faced, perhaps the most fundamental was Rory's shocking lack of knowledge about his home life. He had become so caught up in his work that little space was left over in his brain for the basics of his wife's world.
As bizarre as Rory's rampant ignorance may sound, I have found that many married couples fall into a similar (if less dramatic) habit of inattention to the details of their spouse's life. One or both partners may have only the sketchiest sense of the other's joys, likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. The husband may love modern art, but his wife couldn't tell you why or who his favorite artist is. He doesn't remember the names of her friends or the coworker she fears is constantly trying to undermine her.
In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this having a richly detailed love map--my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other's history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse's world change. When she orders him a salad, she knows to ask for his dressing on the side. If she works late, he'll tape her favorite TV show because he knows which one it is and when it's on. He could tell you how she's feeling about her boss, and exactly how to get to her office from the elevator. He knows that religion is important to her but that deep down she has doubts. She knows that he fears being too much like his father and considers himself a "free spirit." They know each other's goals in life, each other's worries, each other's hopes.
Without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them? No wonder the biblical term for sexual love is to "know."
Love Maps Questionnaire
By giving honest answers to the following questions, you will get a sense of the quality of your current love maps. For the most accurate reading of how your marriage is doing on this first principle, both of you should complete the following.
Read each statement and circle T for "true" or F for "false."
1. I can name my partner's best friends. T F
2. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. T F
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. T F
4. I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams. T F
5. I am very familiar with my partner's religious beliefs and ideas. TF
6. I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life. T F
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. T F
8. I know my partner's favorite music. T F
9. I can list my partner's three favorite movies, T F
10. My spouse is familiar with my current stresses. T F
11. Know the three most special times in my partner's life. T F
12. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child. T F
13. I can list my partner's major aspirations and hopes in life. T F
14. I know my partner's major current worries. T F
15. My spouse knows who my friends are. T F
16. I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery. T F
17. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner. T F
18. Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now. TF
19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. T F
20. My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations. T F
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each "true" answer.
10 or above: This is an area of strength for your marriage. You have a fairly detailed map of your spouse's everyday life, hopes, fears, and dreams. You know what makes your spouse "tick." Based on your score you'll probably find the love map exercises that follow easy and gratifying. They will serve as a reminder of how connected you and your partner are. Try not to take for granted this knowledge and understanding of each other. Keeping in touch in this way ensures you'll be well equipped to handle any problem areas that crop up in your relationship.
Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Perhaps you never had the time or the tools to really get to know each other. Or perhaps your love maps have become outdated as your lives have changed over the years. In either case, by taking the time to learn more about your spouse now, you'll find your relationship becomes stronger.
Go through this chapter in the book to find out some games that will improve your love map with your partner.
CH 4: Principle 2:
Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Learning from history
As it was with Rory and Lisa, the best test of whether a couple still has a functioning fondness and admiration system is usually how they view their past. If your marriage is now in deep trouble, you're not likely to elicit much praise on each other's behalf by asking about the current state of affairs. But by focusing on your past, you can often detect embers of positive feelings.
Of course, some marriages do come up empty. In these relationships the antagonism has metastasized like a virulent cancer, even going backward in time and destroying the couple's positive memories. We saw that sad result in the marriage of Peter and Cynthia, who argued over washing her car. Their relationship was ruined by his contempt and her defensiveness. When they were asked the same questions about their early years, it became clear that their love was gone. They could remember very little about the beginning of their relationship. When asked what they used to do when they were dating, they gave each other a brief "help me out here" glance and then sat silently, racking their brains for an answer. Peter couldn't remember a single thing he admired about Cynthia back then. Their marriage was not salvageable.
The antidote to contempt
At first, this may all seem obvious to the point of being ridiculous: People who are happily married like each other. If they didn't, they wouldn't be happily married. But fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage. By simply reminding yourself of your spouse's positive qualities--even as you grapple with each other's flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen.
Go through this chapter in the book to find out some games that will increase your fondness and admiration for your partner.
CH 5: Principle 3:
Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away
None of the footage taped in our Love Lab would win anybody an Oscar. Our archives are filled if with scenes in which the husband looks out the picture window and says, "Wow, look at that boat," and the wife peers over her magazine and says, "Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?" and the husband grunts.
You might think I'd find viewing hour after hour of such scenes unbearably boring. On the contrary: When couples engage in lots of chitchat like this, I can be pretty sure that they will stay happily married. What's really happening in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting--they are turning toward each other. In couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, such small moments of connection are rare. More often the wife doesn't even look up from her magazine--and if she does, her husband doesn't acknowledge what she says.
Hollywood has dramatically distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion burn. Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life. Comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, "Are we out of bleach?" and the husband says, "I don't know. Let me go get some just in case," instead of shrugging apathetically. It grows when you know your spouse is having a bad day at work and you take sixty seconds out of your own workday to leave words of encouragement on his voice mail. It grows when your wife tells you one morning, "I had the worst nightmare last night," and you say, "I'm in a big hurry, but tell me about it now so we can talk about it tonight," instead of "I don't have time." In all of these instances husband and wife are making a choice to turn toward each other rather than away in marriage people periodically make what I call "bids" for their partner's attention, affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life. So in the Love Lab my favorite scenes are the very ones that any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor. I know there's deep drama in the little moments: Will they read the Sunday paper together or silently alone? Will they chat while they eat lunch? Watching them is suspenseful because I know: Couples who turn toward each other remain emotionally engaged and stay married. Those that don't eventually lose their way.
The reason for the differing outcome of these marriages is what I've come to call the couple's emotional bank account. Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored up all of this goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other when a conflict arises. They can maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times.
The biggest payoff from this emotional bank account isn't the cushion it offers when the couple are stressed. As I said, turning toward your spouse in the little ways is also the key to long-lasting romance. Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day. A romantic night out really turns up the heat only when a couple has kept the pilot light burning by staying in touch in the little ways. It's easy to imagine Justine and Michael, the couple who recalled their wedding and courtship with such delight, at a candlelit restaurant. But sit Peter and Cynthia, the couple who couldn't agree on car washing or much of anything else, in the same chairs, and the evening would most likely be a fiasco, filled with accusations, recriminations, or awkward silences.
Is your Marriage Primed for Romance?
To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or is likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions.
Read each statement and circle T for "true" or F for "false."
1. We enjoy doing small things together (folding laundry, watching TV) T F
2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F
3. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. T F
4. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F
5. I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F
6. My partner is one of my best friends. T F
7. I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F
8. We just love talking to each other. T F
9. When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F
10. We always have a lot to say to each other, T F
11. We have a lot of fun together. T F
12. We are spiritually very compatible. T F
13. We tend to share the same basic values. T F
14. We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F
15. We really have a lot of common interests. T F
16. We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F
17. We like to do a lot of the same things. T F
18. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner's interests. T F
19. Whatever we do together, we usually tend to have a good time, T F
20. My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each "true" answer.
10 or above: Congratulations! This is an area of strength in your marriage. Because you are so often "there" for each other during the minor events in your lives, you have built up a hefty emotional bank account that will support you over any rough patches in your marriage (and keep many at bay). It's those little moments that you rarely think about—when you're shopping at the supermarket, folding laundry, or having a quickie catch up call while you're both still at work--that make up the heart and soul of a marriage. Having a surplus in your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes.
Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. By learning to turn toward each other more during the minor moments in your day, you will make your marriage not only more stable but more romantic. Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better.
Go through this chapter in the book to find out some games that will help you make turning toward each other an easy, natural part of your lives together.
CH 6: Principle 4:
Let Your Partner Influence You
Jack was considering buying a used blue Honda. The car seemed like a great deal since the seller, Phil, had only owned it for a month. The car was for sale because Phil's company was suddenly transferring him to London. Jack liked the car's handling and power, not to mention the state-of the-art sound system. He was ready to do a deal, but first, he told Phil, he wanted a mechanic to check the car. "Why?" said Phil. "It's really a new car. It only has three hundred miles, and you get the manufacturer's warranty."
"True," said Jack, "but I promised my wife I wouldn't buy a car without having it inspected first."
Phil gave Jack a withering look. "You let your wife tell you what to do about cars?" he asked.
"Sure," said Jack. "Don't you?"
"Well, no. I don't--didn't. I'm divorced," said Phil.
"Well," Jack chuckled. "Maybe that's why"
Jack had the car checked by his mechanic, and it turned out that the rear bumper needed to be replaced, so he never bought Phil's car.
But more importantly, he never bought Phil's attitude toward women. Jack has made his wife a partner in his decision making. He respects and honors his wife and her opinions and feelings. He understands that for his marriage to thrive, he has to share the driver's seat.
There was a time when Phil's macho attitude wasn't necessarily a liability for a husband. But our data suggest that this is no longer the case. In our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, now in its eighth year, we have found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.
Obviously it takes two to make or break a marriage, so we're not singling out men here. The point of this chapter is not to scold, bash, or insult men. It's certainly just as important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. But my data indicate that the vast majority of wives--even in unstable marriages--already do that. This doesn't mean that they don't get angry and even contemptuous of their husbands. It just means that they let their husbands influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. But too often men do not return the favor.
What husbands can learn from wives
Perhaps most importantly, when a husband accepts his wife's influence, his open attitude also heightens the positive in his relationship by strengthening his friendship with his wife. This will make it far easier for him to follow the first three principles: deepening his love map, bolstering fondness and admiration, and turning toward his wife as a matter of course.
This occurs not just because the absence of frequent power struggles makes the marriage more pleasurable, but because such a husband is open to learning from his wife. And there's no doubt that women have plenty to teach men about friendship. In his book The Complete Book of Guys, Dave Barry writes about the huge gap between men and women in this regard. He recounts that every year he and his wife get together with some old friends. The wives immediately begin an intense catching-up conversation about their inner feelings. He and the other husband watch the playoffs. The men do get emotional at times--usually when deciding which kind of pizza to order. Later, when the couples have parted company, Barry's wife will say something like "Isn't it amazing how well George has adjusted to having his leg amputated?" And Barry will pretend that of course he had noticed George was missing a leg. Barry is exaggerating, but the story is funny because it reveals a basic truth: Women are more oriented toward discussing and understanding feelings than are men.
I'm not suggesting that all women are sawier about emotions and have better "people skills" than all men. There are plenty of women who are tone deaf to social nuances and insensitive to others. But usually women are more emotionally intelligent than their husbands for one simple reason: They've had an enormous head start in acquiring these skills. Observe children at any playground, and you'll see that head start in action. When young boys play (usually run-and-chase games) their priority is the game itself--not their relationship with each other and their feelings. But for little girls, feelings are paramount. A cry of "I'm not your friend anymore" will stop a game cold. Whether it starts up again will depend on whether the girls make up.
Even when a boy and girl play with the same toy the gender difference is apparent. When four-year-old best friends Naomi and Eric shared her baby doll she wanted to play that the doll was their baby and they were going to show it off to their friends (relationship based play). He went along with this for about ten minutes, and then the game roller-coaster into boy territory: "Hey Naomi, this baby is dead!" he announced. "We have to get it to the hospital right away!"
He climbed into a pretend ambulance and away he went, "Brrrrrrrrr." Naomi urged him not to drive too fast. Suddenly they both became surgeons and saved the baby's life. (Eric wanted Naomi to be the nurse, but she objected that girls can be surgeons too, so some things have changed!) After the baby's life was saved, they went back to playing Naomi's way—showing off the baby to friends. The play styles of Naomi and Eric are equally charming and delightful. But the plain truth is that "girlish" games offer far better preparation for marriage and family life because they focus on relationships. As a general rule, boys don't even include games with relationship and domestic themes in their repertoire. Think about it: While no preschool dress-up corner would be complete without bridal costumes, you never see tuxedos for little pretend grooms!
Where does this difference in play styles between boys and girls originate? Because it occurs in virtually every culture, I suspect that it is caused mostly by biology rather than by socialization. But whether nature or nurture is the cause of these differences, their effect is undeniable. Because their play emphasizes social interactions and feelings, girls undergo an extensive education into emotions by childhood's end. Boys learn how to pitch overhand. A boy's experience at playing cooperatively and quickly resolving conflicts will be an asset later in the boardroom or on the construction site, but it will be a liability in marriage if it comes at the expense of understanding the emotions behind his wife's perspectives.
This difference in training is heightened by the fact that as they get older, boys rarely play with girls, so they miss the chance to learn from them. Although about 35 percent of preschool best friendships are between boys and girls (like Naomi and Eric), by age seven that percentage plummets to virtually 0 percent. From then till puberty the sexes will have little or nothing to do with each other. This is a worldwide phenomenon. Many explanations have been given for this voluntary segregation. One intriguing theory, by psychologist Eleanor Maccoby, Ph.D." at Stanford University, dovetails with my findings on accepting influence. She found that even at very young ages (1/2 years), boys will accept influence only from other boys when they play, whereas girls accept influence equally from girls or boys. At around ages five to seven, girls become fed up with this state of affairs and stop wanting to play with boys. From that age until puberty, our culture (and virtually all others) offers no formal structure for ensuring that boys and girls continue to interact.
By the time Naomi and Eric are grown, the difference in their knowledge of homemaking will be apparent. Once a couple move in together or get engaged, the groom-to-be is suddenly immersed in what is probably an alien world. In the Broadway play Defense of the Cave Man, a man says that when he was first married, he saw his wife cleaning the bathroom and asked her, "Are we moving?" In his bachelor days, that was the only time he and his roommates bothered to clean the bathroom. Many young husbands discover they have a lot to learn from their wives about maintaining a home.
You can see the shell-shocked look on the face of the typical young fiancé in any home furnishings store. He neither knows nor cares about the difference between taffeta and chintz. All of the china and silver patterns look remarkably alike to him. Most of all he's thinking that this is taking an awfully long time, and if he turns around suddenly he will do about $10,000 worth of damage since all of the shelves are made of glass and placed about two feet apart, probably just to intimidate guys like him. How will he react? If pretty soon he hears himself saying, "Hey, that's a great pattern," another emotionally intelligent husband has been born.
Learn to yield
Perhaps the fundamental difference between these two kinds of husbands is that the "new" husband has learned that often in life he needs to yield in order to win. When you drive through any modern city, you encounter frustrating bottlenecks and unexpected barricades that block your normal and rightful passage. You can take one of two approaches to these impossible situations. One is to stop, become righteously indignant, and insist that the offending obstacle move. The other is to drive around it. The first approach will eventually earn you a heart attack. The second approach--which I call yielding to win--will get you home.
Work through the fun exercises that follow in the book in this chapter. They will help you hone your ability to share power.
CH 7: The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict
Kind 1: Perpetual problems
Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category- 69 percent, to be exact. Time and again when we do four- year follow-ups of couples, we find that they are still arguing about precisely the same issue. It's as if four minutes have passed rather than four years. They've donned new clothes, altered their hairstyles, and gained (or lost) a few pounds and wrinkles, but they're still having the same argument. Here are some typical Perpetual problems that the happy couples in our studies are living with:
1. Meg wants to have a baby, but Donald says he's not ready yet--and doesn't know if he ever will be.
2. Walter wants sex far more frequently than Dana.
3. Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry.
4. Tony wants to raise their children as Catholics. Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith.
5. Angie thinks Ron is too critical of their son. But Ron thinks he has the right approach: Their son has to be taught the proper way to do things.
Quote: Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.
In unstable marriages, perpetual problems like these eventually kill the relationship. Instead of coping with the problem effectively, the couple gets gridlocked over it. They have the same conversation about it over and over again. They just spin their wheels, resolving nothing. Because they make no headway, they feel increasingly hurt, frustrated, and rejected by each other. The four horsemen become ever more present when they argue, while humor and affection become less so. They become all the more entrenched in their positions. Gradually they feel physiologically overwhelmed. They start a slow process of trying to isolate or enclose this problem area. But actually they have started becoming emotionally disengaged from each other. They are on the course toward parallel lives and inevitable loneliness--the death knell of any marriage.
The signs of gridlock
If you're not sure whether you've gridlocked over a perpetual problem or are coping well with it, this checklist will help. The characteristics of a gridlocked problem are:
· The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
· You keep talking about it but make no headway.
· You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge.
· When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt.
· Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection.
· You become even more unbudgeable over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these conversations.
· This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your position and polarized, more extreme in your view, and all the less willing to compromise.
· Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally.
Kind 2: Solvable problems
These problems may sound relatively simple compared with unsolvable ones, but they can cause a great deal of pain between husband and wife. Just because a problem is solvable doesn't mean it gets resolved. When a solvable problem causes excessive tension, it's because the couple haven't learned effective techniques for conquering it. They aren't to blame--far too many of the conflict resolution ideas recommended by marriage manuals and therapists are not easy to master or apply. Most of these strategies focus on validating your partner's perspective and learning to be a good listener. There's nothing wrong with this--except that it's very hard for most people to do at any time, much less when they're distressed.
My fifth principle for making marriage work tackles solvable problems head on. It offers an alternative approach to conflict resolution based on my research into what goes right when emotionally intelligent couples handle a disagreement. I will show you how to: (1) Make sure your startup is soft rather than harsh, (2) Learn the effective use of repair attempts, (3) Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding, (4) Learn how to compromise, and (5) Be more tolerant of each other's imperfections. Follow this advice, and you're likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness.
Telling the difference
If you and your spouse are entrenched in conflict, it may not be obvious which of the two types of disagreement you're having gridlocked or solvable. One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. That's because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation.
There is no underlying conflict that's fueling your dispute.
Go through this chapter in the book for exploring exercises on identifying solvable and perpetual problems.
The key to all conflict resolution
In the chapters ahead you will find specific techniques that will help you to manage your marital troubles, whether perpetual or solvable. But first, some overall advice. The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem is the same: communicating basic acceptance of your partner's personality Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding.
If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones. You may discover that your partner is more conciliatory during arguments than you realized once you know what to listen for.
It's probably easiest to acknowledge this truth if you think about it from your own perspective. Say you want your spouse's advice on handling a disagreement you're having with your boss. If your spouse immediately begins criticizing you and insisting that your boss is right, you're wrong, and what's the matter with you for picking a fight with your boss anyway, you'd probably regret having brought it up. Most likely you'd get defensive, angry, offended, hurt, or any combination of these. And yet your spouse might honestly say, "But I was only trying to help." There's a big difference between "You are such a lousy driver. Would you please slow down before you kill us?" and "I know how much you enjoy driving fast. But it makes me really nervous when you go over the speed limit. Could you please slow down?"
Maybe that second approach takes a bit longer. But that extra time is worth it since it is the only approach that works. It's just a fact that people can change only if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted as they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, and unappreciated they are unable to change. Instead, they feel under siege and dig in to protect themselves.
Adults could learn something in this regard from research into child development. We now know that the key to instilling in children a positive self-image and effective social skills is to communicate to them that we understand their feelings. Children grow and change optimally when we acknowledge their emotions ("That doggie scared you," "You're crying because you are sad right now," "You sound very angry. Let's talk about it") rather than be little or punish them for their feelings ("It's silly to be afraid of such a little dog," "Big boys don't cry," "No angry bears allowed in this house--go to your room till you calm down"). When you let a child know that his or her feelings are okay to have, you are also communicating that the child himself or herself is acceptable even when sad or crabby or scared. This helps the child to feel good about himself or herself, which makes positive growth and change possible. The same is true for adults. In order to improve a marriage, we need to feel accepted by our spouse.
Another important lesson I have learned is that in all arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.
CH 8: Principle 5:
Solve Your Solvable Problems
I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps:
1. Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other's faults
Step 1: Soften your startup
If there's one similarity between happy and unhappy marriages, it's that in both circumstances the wife is far more likely than the husband to bring up a touchy issue and to push to resolve it. But there's a dramatic difference in how the wife brings it up.
A soft startup doesn't necessarily have to be diplomatic. It just has to be devoid of criticism or contempt. In a healthy, volatile marriage, which can be very confrontational, the wife is more likely to say something like "Hey, I know I can be a slob sometimes myself, but I'm really angry that you walked by the laundry basket last night without stopping to fold any sheets. I didn't like having to fold them all myself." Or: "I feel really strongly that we need to go to church together more often. This is very important to me." These are soft startups because they are direct complaints rather than criticisms or contemptuous accusations.
Softening the startup is crucial to resolving conflicts because, my research finds, discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. That's why 96 percent of the time I can predict the fate of a conflict discussion in the first three minutes! If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally-you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup--meaning you complain but don't criticize or otherwise attack your spouse--the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.
Although either spouse can be responsible for a harsh startup, we've found that the vast majority of the time the culprit is the wife.
This is because in our culture the wife is far more likely than her husband to bring up difficult issues and push to get them resolved. Husbands are more likely to try to distance themselves from hard to face concerns. As I've noted, there are physiological reasons for this gender gap. Men tend to experience flooding much more easily because their bodies are more reactive to emotional stress than their wives'. So they are more inclined to avoid confrontation.
Here are some suggestions to ensure that your startup is soft:
Complain but don't blame. Let's assume that you're angry because your spouse insisted on buying a dog despite your reservations. He swore up and down that he'd clean up after the dog. But now you're finding poop all over the yard whenever you take out the garbage. It's certainly okay to complain. You could say something like "Hey there's poop all over the backyard. We agreed you'd clean up after Banjo. I'm really upset about this." While this is confrontational, it's not an attack. You're simply complaining about a particular situation, not your partner's personality or character.
What's not okay is to say something like "Hey, there's poop all over the backyard. This is all your fault. I just knew you'd be irresponsible about that dog. I should never have trusted you about it in the first place." However justified you may feel in blaming your spouse, the bottom line is that this approach is not productive.
Even if it does lead your partner to clean up the yard, it also leads to increased tension, resentment, defensiveness, and so on.
Make statements that start with "I" instead of "You". “I” statements have been a staple of interpersonal psychology ever since the mid- 1960s, when acclaimed psychologist Harm Ginott noted that phrases starting with / are usually less likely to be critical and to make the listener defensive than statements starting with you. You can see the difference:
"You are not listening to me," versus "I would like it if you'd listen to me."
"You are careless with money," versus "I want us to save more."
"You just don't care about me," versus "I'm feeling neglected."
Clearly, the "I" statements above are gentler than their "You" counterparts. Of course, you can also buck this general rule and come up with "I" statements like "I think you are selfish" that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start talking to your spouse in some stilted psycho-babble. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you're feeling rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful.
Describe what is happening, don't evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming, just describe what you see. Instead of "You never watch the baby" say "I seem to be the only one chasing after Charlie today" Again, this will help prevent your spouse from feeling attacked and waging a defense rather than really considering your point.
Be clear. Don't expect your partner to be a mind reader. Instead of "You left the dining room a total mess," say, "I'd appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the dining room table." Instead of "Would you take care of the baby for once?" say, "Please change Emmy's diaper and give her a bottle."
Be polite. Add phrases such as "please" and "I would appreciate it if..."
Be appreciative. If your partner has, at some point, handled this situation better, then couch your request within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and how much you miss that now. Instead of "You never have time for me anymore," say, "Remember how we used to go out every Saturday night? I loved spending so much time alone with you. And it felt so good knowing that you wanted to be with me, too. Let's start doing that again."
Don't store things up. It's hard to be gentle when you're ready to burst with recriminations. So don't wait too long before bringing up an issue--otherwise it will just escalate in your mind. As the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26), "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
Step 2: Learn to make and receive repair attempts
When you take driving lessons, the first thing you're taught is how to stop the car. Putting on the brakes is an important skill in a marriage, too. When your discussion starts off on the wrong foot, or you find yourself in an endless cycle of recriminations, you can prevent a disaster if you know how to stop. I call these brakes repair attempts.
When Michael gets defensive and says, "I definitely clean off the counters in the kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff," Justine doesn't immediately discount his point. "Hmm-hmm, you do," she says. This is a repair attempt. It deescalates the tension so that Michael is more receptive to finding a compromise. What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out, but that their repair attempts get through to their spouse. This is because the air between them hasn't been clouded by a lot of negativity.
Getting the message through
As I said, the key factor in whether a repair attempt is effective is the state of the relationship. In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears. But now that you know this, you can "buck the system." You don't have to wait for your marriage to improve before you start hearing each other's repair attempts. Start now by focusing intently on these "brakes" and training each other to recognize when one is sent your way. Do this, and you can pull yourselves out of the downward cycle of negativity. Your future together can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control.
One reason couples miss each other's repair attempts is that they don't always come sugarcoated. If your spouse yells, "You're getting off the topic!" or grumbles, "Can we take a break?" that's a repair attempt despite the negative delivery. If you listen to your partner's tone rather than the words, you could miss his real message, which is "Stop! This is getting out of hand." Because repair attempts can be difficult to hear if your relationship is engulfed in negativity, the best strategy is to make your attempts obviously formal in order to emphasize them. Below you'll find a long list of scripted phrases. These are specific words you can say to your spouse to deescalate the tension. By using them when arguments get too negative, you'll be able to keep your discussions from spiraling out of control. Some couples even copy this list and stick it on their refrigerator for handy reference.
Many, if not all, of these phrases probably sound phony and unnatural to you right now. That's because they offer a very different way of speaking with your spouse when you're upset. But their phoniness is not a reason to reject them. If you learned a better and more effective way to hold your tennis racket, it would feel "wrong" and "unnatural" initially, simply because you weren't used to it yet. The same goes for these repair attempts. Over time they'll come easily to you, and you'll modify them to more closely suit your style of speech and personality.
I Feel
1. I'm getting scared.
2. Please say that more gently
3. Did I do something wrong?
4. That hurt my feelings.
5. That felt like an insult.
6. I'm feeling sad.
7. I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
8. I'm feeling unappreciated.
9. Feel defensive. Can you rephrase that?
10. Please don't lecture me.
11. Don’t feel like you understand me right now.
12. I am starting to feel Hooded.
13. Feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
14. I'm getting worried
I Need to Calm Down
1. Can you make things safer for me?
2. I need things to be calmer right now.
3. I need your support right now.
4. Just listen to me right now and try to understand.
5. Tell me you love me.
6. Can I have a kiss?
7. Can I take that back?
8. Please be gentler with me.
9. Please help me calm down.
10. Please be quiet and listen to me.
11. This is important to me. Please listen.
12. I need to finish what I was saying.
13. I am starting to feel flooded.
14. I feel criticized. Can you rephrase that?
15. Can we take a break?
Sorry
1. My reactions were too extreme. Sorry.
2. I really blew that one.
3. Let me try again.
4. I want to be gentler to you right now, and I don't know how.
5. Tell me what you hear me saying.
6. I can see my part in all this.
7. How can I make things better?
8. Let's try that over again.
9. What you are saying is...
10. Let me start again in a softer way.
11. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
Get to Jes
1. You're starting to convince me.
2. I agree with part of what you're saying.
3. Let's compromise here.
4. Let's find our common ground.
5. I never thought of things that way
6. This problem is not very serious in the big picture.
7. I think your point of view makes sense.
8. Let's agree to include both our views in a solution.
9. I am thankful for . . .
10. One thing I admire about you is...
11. I see what you're talking about.
Stop Action!
1. I might be wrong here.
2. Please, let's stop for a while.
3. Let's take a break.
4. Give me a moment. I'll be back.
5. I'm feeling flooded.
6. Please stop.
7. Let's agree to disagree here.
8. Let's start all over again.
9.Hang in there. Don’t withdraw.
10.I want to change the topic.
11.We are getting off track.
I Appreciate
1. I know this isn’t your fault.
2. My part of this problem is…
3. I see your point.
4. Thank you for…
5. That’s good point.
6. We are both saying…
7. I understand.
8. I love you.
9. I am thankful for…
10.One thing I admire about you is…
11.This is not your problem, it’s our problem.
Formalizing repair attempts by using these scripted phrases can help you defuse arguments in two ways. First, the formality of a script ensures that you will use the type of words that work well for putting on the brakes. Second, these phrases are like megaphones they help ensure that you pay attention to a repair attempt when you're on the receiving end.
Step 3: soothe yourself and each other
While Justine is in the middle of discussing laundry with Michael, he does something that seems incidental but really has great significance for their chances of a happy future: He yawns. Cleaning house is not the most fascinating subject, but Michael doesn’t yawn because Justine is boring him. He yawns because he is relaxed. When you’re feeling angry or anxious, yawning is just about the least likely physiological reaction you’re going to have. Michael’s yawn is like an announcement that he’s feeling soothed by Justine, even though she’s discussing an area of conflict. Because no alarms are going off in his body (or mind), he is able to discuss housework and reach a compromise with Justine easily.
In less stable marriages, however, conflict discussions can lead to the opposite reaction—they can trigger flooding. When this occurs, you feel overwhelmed both emotionally and physically. Most likely you think thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) or innocent victim hood (“Why is she always picking on me?”). Meanwhile, your body is in distress. Usually your heart is pounding, you’re sweating, you’re holding your breath.
I have found that in the vast majority of cases, when one spouse does not “get” the other’s repair attempt, it’s because the listener is flooded and therefore can’t really hear what the spouse is saying. When you’re in this condition, the most thoughtful repair attempt in the world won’t benefit your marriage.
To comfort each other, you first need to talk earnestly about flooding.
Ask yourself and each other these questions:
· What makes me (you) feel flooded?
· How do I (you) typically bring up issues or irritability or complaints?
· Do I (you) store things up?
· Is there anything I can do that soothes you?
· Is there anything you can do that soothes me?
· What signals can we develop for letting the other know when we feel flooded? Can we take breaks?
If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute you won't be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try. Take a twenty-minutes break before continuing.
Follow this chapter in the book for exercises on soothing each other.
Step 4: compromise
Like it or not, the only solution to marital problems is to find a compromise. In an intimate, loving relationship it just doesn't work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you're convinced that you're right. This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer.
Usually, though both partners do make an earnest effort to compromise on issues, they fail because they go about trying to compromise in the wrong way. Negotiation is possible only after you've followed the steps above--softening startup, repairing your discussion, and keeping calm. These prime you for compromise by getting you into a positive mode.
Before you try to resolve a conflict, remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage accepting influence. This means that for a compromise to work, you can't have a closed mind to your spouse's opinions and desires. You don't have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position. That's what accepting influence is really all about. If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem with you, your discussion will never get anywhere.
As I've said, men have a harder time accepting influence from their wives than vice versa. But whatever your gender, an inability to be open minded is a real liability when it comes to conflict resolution. So if you haven't already, work through the exercises in Chapter 6. Realize that it may take time and continued self-awareness to break out of this tendency. Your spouse can assist you in seeing things from his or her perspective. Ask your spouse questions to help you see his or her point of view. Remember to search for the part of your spouse's perspective that, by objective standards, is reasonable.
Once you're ready, there's nothing magical about finding a solution you both can live with. Often compromise is just a matter of talking out your differences and preferences in a systematic way This is not difficult to do as long as you continue to follow the steps above to prevent your discussion from becoming overwhelmingly negative.
Follow this chapter in the book for exercises on compromising with each other.
Step 5: Be tolerant of each other's faults
CH 9: Coping with Typical Solvable Problems
Work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, a new baby: These are the most typical areas of marital conflict, so there's a good chance at least some of them are hot buttons in your relationship. Even in very happy and stable marriages, these issues are perennials. Although every relationship is different, there's a reason why these particular conflicts are so common: They touch upon some of the marriage's most important work.
Many people pay lip service to the notion that a good marriage takes "work." But what specifically does this mean? Every marriage is faced with certain emotional tasks that husband and wife need to accomplish together for the marriage to grow and deepen. These tasks come down to attaining a rich understanding between husband and wife. A marriage needs this understanding in order for both people to feel safe and secure in it. When these tasks are not accomplished, the marriage feels not like a port in the storm of life but just another storm.
When there's conflict in one of these six common areas, usually it's because husband and wife have different ideas about these tasks, their importance, or how they should be accomplished. If the conflict is perpetual, no amount of problem-solving savvy will fix it.
The tension will deescalate only when you both feel comfortable living with your ongoing difference. But when the issue is solvable, the challenge is to find the right strategy for conquering it. (If you're not sure whether your conflict is solvable or perpetual, see page 134.)
Here we've listed these six hot spots, the task they each represent for a marriage, and practical advice for addressing the solvable disagreements they often trigger.
Stress and more stress
The task: Making your marriage a place of peace.
Scheduling formal griping sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into your marriage.
Relations with in-laws
The task: Establishing a sense of "we-ness," or solidarity, between husband and wife.
Money, money, money
The task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes.
Sex
The task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
Housework
The task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork.
Becoming parents
The task: Expanding your sense of "ire-ness" to include your children.
CH 10: Principle 6:
Overcome Gridlock
You want to have children, he doesn’t. She wants you to attend church with her, you’re an atheist. He’s a ho,ebody, you’re ready for a party every night. If you feel hopelessly gridlocked over a problem that just can’t be solved, it can be cold comfort to know that other couples handle similar conflict with aplomb, treating them the way they would a bad back or allergies. When you’re gridlocked, trying to view your differences as a kind of psychological trick knee that you can learn to cope with may seem impossible. But you can do it.
The goal in ending gridlock is not to solve the problem, but rather to move from gridlock to dialogue. The gridlock conflict will probably always be a perpetual issue in your marriage, but one day you will be able to talk about it without hurting each other. You will learn to live with the problem.
To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand its cause. Whether the issue is momentous, like which of your religions to pass on your children, or ridiculous, like which way to fold dinner napkins, gridlock is sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life.
Dreams can operate at many different levels. Some are very practical (such as wanting to achieve a certain amount of savings), but others are profound. Often these deeper dreams remain hidden while the more mundane dreams piggyback on top of them and are easier to see. For example, underneath the dream to make lots of money may be a deep need for security.
What dreams are made of?
Often our deepest dreams are rooted in childhood. You may long to re-create some of your warmest memories of family life from your youth--such as having dinner together every night without interruptions from the TV or telephone. Or, you may feel the psychological need to distance yourself from painful childhood memories by not duplicating the same activities. For example, you may resist having family dinners if the evening meal in your childhood home was often the scene of hostility between your parents that left you with indigestion.
Here is a list of some common "deep" dreams expressed by couples I've worked with.
1. A sense of freedom
2. The experience of peace
3. Unity with nature
4. Exploring who I am
5. Adventure
6. A spiritual journey
7. Justice
8. Honor
9. Unity with my past
10. Healing
11. Knowing my family
12. Becoming all I can be
13. Having a sense of power
14. Dealing with growing older
15. Exploring a creative side of myself
16. Becoming more powerful
17. Getting over past hurts
18. Becoming more competent
19. Asking God for forgiveness
20. Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
21. Getting over a personal hang-up
22. Having a sense of order
23. Being able to be productive
24. A place and a time to just "be"
25. Being able to truly relax
26. Reflecting on my life
27. Getting my priorities in order
28. Finishing something important
29. Exploring the physical side of myself
30. Being able to compete and win
31. Travel
32. Quietness
33. Atonement
34. Building something important
35. Ending a chapter of my life--saying good-bye to something
All of these dreams are beautiful. None of them are inherently bad for a marriage. But they can cause problems if they are hidden or not respected by your spouse. When this occurs, you may either have open battles over the issue, or it may go underground and be expressed symbolically. In the latter case, the couple may think they are at loggerheads over whether to go out to dinner every Sunday night, but the bottom-line issue has to do with something much deeper than a restaurant meal. Sunday night holds a special place in both of their hearts, stemming from their childhoods. Her dream is to eat out because her family did that every Sunday, a treat that made her feel special. But for her husband, a restaurant meal was always much less of a treat than having his very busy mother cook for the family--something she only did on Sundays. So the question of a restaurant versus a home meal is really symbolic of what makes each of them feel loved.
You may find that when you first begin to recognize and acknowledge your dreams, the problem between you and your spouse seems to get worse rather than better. Be patient. Acknowledging and advocating for your dreams in a marriage is not easy The very nature of gridlock means that your dream and your spouse's appear to be in opposition, so you've both become deeply entrenched in your positions and fear accepting each other's influence and yielding.
Once you're ready to overcome gridlock, here's how to proceed.
Step 1: Become a dream detective
Often, deeply personal dreams go unspoken or underground after marriage because we assume they must in order to make the relationship work. It's common for both partners not to feel entitled to their complaints. They may see their own desires as "childish" or "impractical." But such labels don't change the fact that the dream is something you long for, and if the marriage doesn't honor it, conflict will almost inevitably ensue. In other words, when you adjust to marriage by burying a dream, it just resurfaces in disguised form-as a gridlocked conflict.
Step 2: Work on a gridlocked marital issue.
Now that you have had some practice uncovering dreams, try it with your own marriage. Choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Then write an explanation of your position. Don't criticize or blame your spouse. Use the statements made by the couples above as your guide--notice that they don't bad-mouth each other. Instead, they focus on what each partner needs, wants, and is feeling about the situation. Next, write the story of the hidden dreams that underlie your position. Explain where these dreams come from and why they are so meaningful to you.
Once you both understand which dreams are fueling the gridlock, it's time to talk about them. Each person gets fifteen minutes as the speaker and fifteen minutes as the listener. Do not try to solve this problem. Attempting to do that now is likely to backfire. Your goal is simply to understand why each of you feels so strongly about this issue.
Step 3: Soothe each other
Discussing dreams that are in opposition can be stressful. Since you'll accomplish nothing if either of you becomes flooded, take a break for some soothing before you attempt to slog through the gridlock. See the exercises in Chapter 8 ("Soothe Yourself and Each other")
Step 4: End the gridlock
Now it's time to begin the ongoing task of making peace with this issue, accepting the differences between you, and establishing some kind of initial compromise that will help you continue to discuss the problem amicably. Understand that your purpose is not to solve the conflict--it will probably never go away completely instead, the goal is to "declaw" the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain.
Step 5: Say thank you
It may take more than one session to overcome gridlock on issues that have been deeply troubling to your marriage. These sessions can be stressful, no matter how diligently you attempt to accept each other's viewpoint without judgment.
Go through these steps in the book for a detailed execution of each step.
CH 11: Principle 7:
Create Shared Meaning
“We used to have a yuppie marriage," says Helen. "By that I mean it was very superficial. We got along okay and really loved each other, but I didn't feel that connected to Kevin. It was like we were roommates who made love." Helen, who calls herself a "devout feminist," had always prided herself on her independence. At first she thought it was great that she and Kevin had their own lives--their own careers, interests, and friends. But the longer they were married, and especially after they had children, the more she felt something was lacking. She didn't want to give up her strong sense of individual identity, but she wanted more from her marriage. After attending our workshop, she realized what it was: She wanted to feel more like she and Kevin were a family.
If your marriage adheres to my first six principles, there's a good chance that your relationship is stable and happy but if you find yourself asking, "Is that all there is?" your situation may be similar to Helen and Kevin's. What may be missing is a deeper sense of shared meaning. Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together -- a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a pan of the family you have become.
Usually when we think of culture, we think in terms of large ethnic groups or even countries where particular customs and cuisine prevail. But a culture can also be created by just two people who have agreed to share their lives. In essence, each couple and each family create its own micro culture. And like other cultures these small units have their customs (like Sunday dinner out), rituals (like a champagne toast after the birth of each baby), and myths--the stories the couple tell themselves (whether true, false, or embellished) that explain their sense of what their marriage is like, what it means to be part of their group.
Developing a culture doesn't mean a couple sees eye to eye on every aspect of their life's philosophy. Instead there is a meshing. They find a way of honoring each other's dreams even if they don't always share them. The culture that they develop together incorporates both of their dreams. And it is flexible enough to change as husband and wife grow and develop. When a marriage has this shared sense of meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock.
It is certainly possible to have a stable marriage without sharing a deep sense of what is meaningful about your lives together. Your marriage can "work" even if your dreams aren't in sync. The last chapter showed you just how to navigate your way around perpetual problems so that you can live with them rather than ending up gridlocked. It is important to accept that you each will probably have some dreams that the other doesn't share but can respect. You may, for example, adhere to different religions but have enough respect for each other's spiritual journey to bridge the differences in your faiths. But it is also true that a rewarding marriage is about more than sidestepping conflict. The more you can agree about the fundamentals in life, the richer, more meaningful, and in a sense easier your marriage is likely to be. You certainly can't force yourselves to have the same deeply held views. But some coming together on these issues is likely to occur naturally if you are open to each other's perspectives. A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning.
As I said, the more shared meaning you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be. Along the way you'll also be strengthening your marital friendship--as emphasized in my first three principles of a happy marriage. This in turn will make it even easier to cope with any conflicts that crop up. That's the beauty of the Seven Principles. They form a feedback loop that ensures that as you work on each principle, it becomes easier to work on the others.
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