4 September, 2012
The day was easy as I didn’t get to study. It was training in the morning, sir came late around 0920. He told us to look at the program and then he told us to write it in our notebook, which was all, copying all the time. He said we will have to copy the program on our machines now tomorrow before we get to the next topic. I was feeling fine today, not much stress, it was because I was following a time-table according to which I was going to get to study during the later part of the day. I was going easy as for the starting when I was back at home, I was watching TV for forty minutes until 1230, and it was the transition time. Then it was time for studying for two hours, but I went down in bed for two hours of sleep. I was up and it was time for lunch, I had it, and then it was time for studying again, I was studying this time, lucky. It was fine, until around 1730, Anushka came over to me. Anushka and Prachi had come here after school, Manju bua was also here later. I tried not to feel bothered by Anushka but she was too much into interacting with me in her teacher-student scenario. I had to be studying until 1900, but I was out with her around 1815 for about 45 minutes and then Manju bua left. I was watching TV and just roaming around. I did sit with the book for a little while but then I was copying some videos from back around the New-Year 2006 when Rekha bua’s family was here.
I just didn’t study as much as I was supposed to; I violated the time-table schedule. In about 45 minutes, it will be 2330, time for bed.
-OK
1 September, 2012
I woke up around 0900, and Anu had made fruit-sandwiches, that were cool. I had tuition class at 1030 so I had them while watching TV, I left at 1000. I was in the class on time. It was fine; he teaches just fine, no exception than the usually low average that I have seen everywhere.
I was back at home by 1200; I was sweating so I had some rest before I went for bath. When I came back, I had lunch and I was in the bed by 1500. I have been thinking of my online-education project. I was working on it, it was supposed to be only for some time but it kept me interested and involved.
I got over with doing my own things and took the books after 1800. I had fruits and then I was just looking in my book to start. I had dinner before 1930. It was heavy. Around 2030, I had no plans but I was sleeping against the chest with books lying open on the side. I woke up some two hours after, moved things around to get myself right, my body didn’t feel right.
-OK [2335]
March 6, 2011
Yesterday, aunt Seema bought this necklace worth 150 thousand. uncle Yashvir bought her this piece. I do not understand what goes in their heads. Anu will be about to earn some bucks, uncle Yashvir is never spending enough to look down on how much Anu would earn. Then there it is this so suddenly, a car of worth one million, a necklace worth 0.15 million, talks about a new laptop. It is all to create mirage that he can be spending much more than what not anyone in this house can imagine of buying in the near future.
I think about Priti ma’am whenever I hear about her. She was a wrong person or a right person, or all these people are just showy. Every scene that I remember about her had made me look short and petite. During the first class when she had said, “Q is silent in QWERTY” on my response to the question that asked most common type of keyboard; when in her last lecture I was sharing seat with Gaurav Sati and he had almost kept in the five percent of the chair by constantly spreading out in my direction. Priti ma’am saw it but did not speak anything, how can anyone be so unresponsive, or dumb, or stolid is the word? Her behavior is so unclear, seems like she do not want to be there where she is, it was just not her choice.
Ankur was here today, senior bua Kumkum also. I told him it was not a very nice time to come around, I have exam next day. I had lots of course load. I could not have wasted the day like that, but with Ankur around now, I could not have focused. I dropped the books and we talked. Aunt Seema called for food, and then call came from senior bua Kumkum. She was like forcing me to eat the food, and not asking. What was that, I did not want to learn and said okay fine. uncle Yashvir pinched in, “you did not get up just now?” “Nope,” I said. This man totally sucks.
Ankur just gave me a package of his X rated content. It is awesome. I think I am loosing my mind again. Hope I could study.
There is hell lot of syllabus left and I am not going to do it all yet again.
I today deleted 1.5GB of Hindi songs today. I myself could not believe for hours. I had collected them from Amogh and Pranav via CDs in 2008 and 2009. It used to look pretty much like begging and I used to value my songs-collection very much until when I deleted innumerable number of songs. It hurts.
God Bless Me
Ashish
March 7, 2011
I was coming back from college after exam; just a few steps ahead of the college gates, outside one tent among others there sat a woman, old and fat, and poor. She did not appear to be that poor but yes, she was in need. She said she needed money to travel, she asked for seven rupees. She was carrying some bag with herself, looked like she was onto her way to somewhere, and then tired her leg. I wanted to help her, I checked my pockets, and I recalled that I had no change. I just had a R100 note. I did not say anything I just walked past her after realizing my helplessness. It was 1440.
I really had a terrible night last yesterday. I get these emotional upheavals due to everything sad around me. I cannot do anything about it but just one day run away from it all. It is very crazy but I do not seem to have a choice. I feel like scratching my brain out, dig my fingers into my scalp to make it bleed, and make me go bald in the process, so are my imagination when I go through such emotional highs-and-lows.
I went to college and I found no body. I went to empty my bowels, waking up late at night creates disorders in the whole body. Then Vibha and Nishant came, and we talked about Rape cases and crime happening in the city. I, kind of, supported rapists (jokingly) and then we took the discussion through. I left Nishant laughing and Vibha aghast with my ideas. That was good, and what surprised me was that both of them did not oppose to prostitution. That was good.
Then we sat in the sunshine on stairs. Many people just walked passed by us in a very few minutes of time. I was like asking everybody what hell is going around here. It started with Principal and First year, HOD. We talk and I talk loudly from everything to everything. I have an audience, you see.
Gareema Sethi ma’am is a *****; she was with Tanuja Nautiyal ma’am again. I seem to have really scared the hell out of her. In addition, that physics teacher still looks at me. I did not mind, that ***** is crazy, looks like she is into me, unmarried girl and in late twenties, what is up!
I had a nice time writing the exam, the paper was easy. Otherwise, they could have failed us bunnies in this subject 'Operating Systems' (OS) easily.
I went to library to sleep after this, I was not there to sleep but to study, but then I needed rest. I felt awkward to head for library to study past the lively college crowd collected after the last exam, hot girls everywhere. I need a break.
I still had tired eyes when around 1430 I woke and decided to go home.
Police escorts, yet again. Hired detectives outside college, and dummy-students and teachers for the same purpose posted in the place around me at the college. I have scared the hell out of these people. Kuldeep sir was showing sympathy in actions, may be it is time for him to pay back.
God Bless Me
Ashish
March 9, 2011
I was sleeping a lot yesterday. I just had hangover at all times. Napping in afternoon, napping at night, nor did I wake up early in the morning. I woke up around 8am and then told amma to come at ten. What woke my senses up were the bolder headlines in the paper, “DU student shot dead by stalker.”
I could not realize what it had to do with me, nothing. Still it worried me, I was questioning myself whether to head for college or not.
Without having a bath, I left for college. There was police car standing near the bus stop. A man was there with newspaper. I asked him for the paper for a second and there was this same news. I was crossing the zero-pusta road divider, I had crossed it, and then I tore my jeans near the knee by a rod coming out of cement block kept near the worked-area on the road. Fuck, I had no options but to head back home. I came back home.
I have been studying 'Software Engineering' (SE) since I left laptop after working a little about my XI standard diaries around 1430.
I had called Sonam in the afternoon, and I called Vibha just now. I got 13 and half in 'Circuits and Systems' (CS).
I am getting a good feeling that Preeti ma’am is back. It will make it easier for us students to get with the teachers. I am talking about myself.
Yesterday, in 'Algorithms Design and Analysis' (ADA) class I was just trying to take a distant look at the green cover book on Vibha’s table. Sir saw me and asked what happened. I told him Vibha has book by a local writer. Sir did not get it, I am glad Sonam repeated it for me. Sonam looked beautiful yesterday. Seriously, she had done something with her face.
I am anticipating a laptop in near future after the hopes which grandpa held up in my head. I had casually asked Anu when she would be earning. Anu today put it down before grandma and said "Sadhna (refering to mom) had asked the same thing when she was here". What kind of joke was this?
Now that I have decided not to follow any religion, sometimes I feel so bad that there is no roof above my head. In addition, I now know why people in most difficult times are able to pass through it without doing anything.
While watching the news about this murder that happened yesterday, I asked grandpa (baba ji) about the punishments following a ‘murder’ and ‘attempt to murder”. It is seven years imprisonment for an attempt, and life-imprisonment or sentence-to-death for murder.
God Bless Me
Ashish
March 20, 2011
“Happy Holi”
I was awake until quarter-to-four last night and so had to wake up late. Anu had come to wish early and had put a little color near temple. When I woke up, I brushed my teeth and became fresh. Soon, aunt came to put color all over me; she colored my front jaws and teeth. I washed that and waited for things to settle so that I can go back to work. I had breakfast to pass time. I could not have taken Net book out at this time; I worked on laptop when Harshit’s call came. He was coming down. When he came on my balcony, I went to oil myself and Holi began.
Not much happened, Harshit, Kunal, and I mixed with kids to play in mud. Kunal was already there with the kids, Harshit had joined before me. Harshit pushed Kunal into mud, and then Kunal pushed Harshit into mud. Both were buried once, then twice, then eventually thrice. In between, kids were pushed into the mud turn by turn. It was easy; it had to be easy.
It was all empty, just us otherwise. Mreeganka did come for a second but that was not fun. Prashant had joined us a little later, but after forty-fifty minutes, both were gone. We went to B2 terrace to color Naina. We came down from there, Sneha, her sister, Mreeganka, and Yoshita were there, but we did not get any closer. We then later went to the terrace of A4 where Naina and her little prickly friends (other girls) had gone. Naina said to Harshit that he should stop because her brothers had told him to not even talk to her. We just watched the society from the rooftop. Later we were on C block terrace to trouble kids, little kids. While we were coming down with their mothers in the lift, they were trying to confirm the scene from us. What the hell; as if Harshit was going to let that happen. We went to terrace of B1 in the end. Appu had been there hiding from us. He has his exams going on and he did not want to get dirty, same case with Prabhav, just that he was at his home. Hardik came late; he was with Appu. After Appu went, he was with us. Hardik said Naina had by mistake thrown a pot filled with mud down from the terrace a few days back. Well, that happens in Manu. Harshit threw a bucket, a pouch, and a box down the roof. It belonged to people whom celebrating on terrace, Taneja aunty, Luthra aunty, Malini aunty, and their kids. Their kid came searching for kit and we had to leave right then, huh, Holi over. Pranav was not in the society earlier, but later he was with us. He left with us. Manan, Karan had to society to color Sneha and all, and when they found Harshit, they tore his T-shirt. I had given him one of mine then.
After Holi, I washed myself, and all the kids (not Prashant), fufaji, and buaji went to eat outside. It was a south Indian restaurant in south Delhi, far from here. I had uttapam. All of us were filled and wanted to sleep after this, but we were in car. We reached home, and plus I got my shirt back from Harshit. Now, I am going to start over with normal life.
I thought I should talk to Smita. I wished her for Holi. Her reply came around 0230 at midnight. I asked if she was online but then let it go, and told her everything is fine here. She replied in the morning, trying say that she wanted to talk and we will talk soon. However, I do not think I want to at heart. I was just trying to be polite with her, nothing much here otherwise.
God bless me
Ashish
4-Mar-2012
The day was fine. I was studying hard in the morning, 'Data Warehousing and Data Mining' (DWDM). I want to study 'Object Oriented Software Engineering' (OOSE) as well so that I can do it big and score 20 to make it up to the expectations of Preety Verma Dhaka ma’am; I really want to do it for myself.
Mind was pretty boggled because of all the shit that I collect from college and sometimes I try to get any glance of women, and think that it is something that has been given to me by the college, and nothing of my own.
In the evening, I was returning after getting grandma’s specs correct (it makes me feel the guilt if I find her helpless sometimes, after all, it was for her eyes). I met Vishwas and we went to play soccer with the kids playing in the park. It was the Ojus group and Saatvik [Mithoo], and Drishesh [Appu]. It was fun, but on a kick of Vishwas, I injured my leg. The evening was really a great fun, though. I made it sure that I don’t abuse at all; it is after all bad depending upon the audience (society in this case).
I was sitting with Anu, and she was just telling me things. I didn’t know how to react to that.
Not even a look to uncle, yet.
~ ~ ~
These police sirens are never stopping and the shit has gone crazy even further; whenever I see someone ogling at me, randomly, I think of the shit going on at college. I just hope it hasn’t come out to the colony here, the way Ralli’s father was looking at me as he passes in rickshaw on the road, maybe he found it different as I say some words to myself before starting to jog.
Just listened to some Eminem tracks, feels better.
9-Mar-2012 Friday
I was in half sleep when I got up to the college early around 0815. At the bus stop (Laxmi Nagar), there was conversation going in my head in which I was using Brad Pitt’s funny accent while talking to myself in my mind. I had to literally tell myself to wake up and pay attention on the road. I was expecting a positive day but it got a little bit unexpectedly right in the morning when I saw Tanuja Nautiyal ma’am from behind standing on the welcome-stairs of the two front blocks (ECE and CSE [Electronics and Communications Engineering and Computer Science Engineering]).
I just simply turned backwards and went to the front parking in nervousness. I pulled out my phone and sent ridiculous text messages to few people like asking them when they would be here; that was stupid and funny. I held up my breath and pushed myself to face it and not be a pussy as she is a teacher here and I could possibly find her a lot more times after today. I went over with phone in hand, rotating it in complete nervousness. What I see next is that the teacher who was facing here and talking to her from above the stairs was Gareema Sethi ma’am. I would have said ‘wow’ if I were with my mind in place. I just ignored it and let it be and went forth.
Gareema Sethi ma’am looked here, and next Tanuja Nautiyal ma’am turn around to see someone coming, probably a reaction to Gareema’s action. I walk forth taking heavy and forced breaths with a ‘just do it’ attitude. As the distance was reducing, I was looking at hair of Tanuja ma’am, she turn around to see and match eyes; we really didn’t sink our sight into each other’s face though, just took notice. She turned her face away. I put first foot on the second step, and with thumping breath, thump second on the fifth stair-step, one more jump of three steps and I was standing next to the elevator now. I thought that my behavior was unreasonable, I could have stayed normal and dealt with it, ignored it in a nice and calm way. I was lucky to have them on the wrong side of the staircase, as I had to go to ECE block (for DSP lab) and not CSE then. Instead of running on the stairs for which I had to take a U-turn and from which I could have then looked down on them on the left, I instead chose to use the lift. It was on second floor and I approximated it to take some 20 seconds, it came down faster. I had looked on the right while saying words from an Eminem song, and the two women were not in my visual perception, which was cool. As the lift opened, I just hopped in to stick to the right side and pressed the third-floor button.
I was alone in the lab in the beginning and I had asked the thirty-something short teacher if I could sit. There was lab-assistant and one other male (30s) too. I was sitting in the first row here in the line of the entrance door. There was a horrible-looking old hag-maid outside the door looking at me, it was a check on me.
I took DSP lab, and then DSP lecture, nothing else happened through the day. I was talking to Dinesh, Nishant, Nitin, and Rizwan after the lecture. In the morning, Rizwan shook hand, and I hugged him to wish ‘Happy Holi’. It was fun talking to them. Preeti Verma Dhaka had come to the class twice but she never looked here at me today (funny), she was here to tell that she would be on leave for about a week, and a substitute teacher would come then to take 'Object Oriented Software Engineering' (OOSE) lecture. Two differences which I recognized in her were, first that she didn’t look at me, and second that her tone was calm and polite.
I reached home around 1400 but my mind was totally buzzing and I didn’t know how to sit and study, I needed to sleep but wanted to push myself into working on something. It is 1717 right now and I haven’t yet started on anything; to be true I should have written down about the bad day right when I was free instead of snoozing around here and there in the house; sometimes I feel constipated (medically).
I went to play soccer and then it was TT. It reminded me of the days when I was of the age of these guys I just played with (Drishesh [Appu], Saatvik [Mithoo], Ojus, and others). It was fun, the newer kids play better or equal as me, that is good actually - for them. There were also girls there, it is good, they were like in middle school, all four of them. One was [Mithoo] Saatvik’s sister.
I talked to Abhishek Shukla, and Love Kumar and we will be going to Nehru place in search of internship offers that might be available in the CS/IT industry these days
March 4, 2011
I can now understand the uneasiness of Anshu ma'am. How would a person sound saying that she is an English teacher. Pitiful if said with modesty, funny if said with attitude. In that way, our complete English staff should be laughed at. The new teacher, it looks like she spent too much to go under knife for cosmetic surgeries.
And basically, how must the college have chosen its faculty, it can not pay the best, and when it comes to choosing from farm animals, the college goes after all the bimbos.
On the morning of third, I was awake since midnight. I went to sit on the table because I had backache due to messing up with sleeping hours and I was finding it difficult to continue to sit on bed. Around five, Prashant’s phone alarm rang. I tried to cover its speakers, lower its volume to minimum possible with effort but then Prashant moved in bed, terrifying me. I dropped the phone and carried away with my books. Prashant was now half-conscious, thanks to me for catching his attention so badly. The alarm continued to ring four times until it had to stop and Prashant sat in his place. I was not able to concentrate any further. I was digging my nose in the book but that was not of much help. Then my logical mind told me to move, the thing was that whole experience was valuable, I was feeling like I was sitting on Prashant’s place, and with him sitting behind, I knew less what he was thinking of it. I had made ‘middle finger’ on the wall with the pen that too was worrying me. Nobody wants trouble anymore.
I was sleeping in the bus when it reached Kashmere gate. A person had to wake me up. The weather was extremely awesome; it was drizzling when I had to run to college gates. Classrooms were not open yet. Nishant came soon. We sat for studying, and I learned that he had not done much. In fact, no one had done much, except for a few book-scorchers like Apurva, Shruti, and others. They had covered much of the syllabus; I just wonder how they do it!
The teachers come and go watching us sitting and studying, I feel protected with the crew around. Apurv is fun. Nishant, Rizwan, Apurva, yes to a little extent, but I need to thank them all these days.
I probably think that the discipline committee has roped in students. These people are crazy. Okay, may be I was wrong for a day or two while checking them out but this shouldn’t have been such a big deal like what it has become! I wonder what role principal may have been playing.
That physics teacher who is most of the times seen with another teacher and Sunaina ma’am. The unknown teachers both are young and cute. The taller one is voluptuous, the shorter one is cute and kind from face. I have seen the shorter one seeing me quite a number of times every now and then in like months. I am sure she checks me out. It was going a fine day until I just saw her going and she raised eyes to see when I was standing with Rizwan and Shruti. I did not care for what has been going on and matched eyes. I do not know on what side is she on?
Last night when I was asleep, the laptop was gone. I was now a little worried about going back to pages again. I just had no other option; I could not be asking uncle for laptop. Life sucks; I want a laptop of mine.
God Bless Me
Ashish
March 3, 2011
When I was through with all this crap about women all over last month, I felt like they had tapped my phone, online accounts were hacked and checked for personal details, they watched me over by the help of private detectives, and even police was involved for once. I cannot think if it was Kriti, or anyone else who started it; tell me it was not ‘message’ thing that I am into this bullshit, or it was surely that maidservant in forties. Heaven knows!
I have not slept since more than 26 hours now. I went to college in the rain. Nishant and I studied in the classroom until 0940 and then we came out in gallery. Apurv and all were discussing heavy topics from the chapter I had not done. They were almost making me crazy. I tried hard to keep myself unto my own. I finished doing revision by 11, and then Ravi and Danish came. I got the company of Ravi and time passed like nothing. I also did the chapter I was nervous about in the morning. Actually, I saw the last year paper and it had ten marks for this chapter and ten marks for another chapter, which I do not think many students would have touched.
Teachers have not stopped giving me glances, feels like I am super famous. I cannot understand if I should worry that people think I am a wrong person and just want to push me into a situation and seize me, or I should just enjoy the moment because anyway I am not wrong. Sunaina ma’am have been repeatedly been seen around me. I can clearly tell what is going on here.
Gareema ma’am must have jumped in the situation, against me. I always had the idea that this woman is a trouble. Now, I feel she is sitting couples before my eyes, around my hangout places to check my state of mind, but this woman is never going to get any closer. That lab assistant who had heard from a fourth year student right before my eyes, eyes me too much, like that maidservant is his wife or something.
Swarnlata ma’am had come to invigilate today. The exam went fine. I am hoping to pass.
I also gave the Environmental Studies Re-appear test. It was fine; wish I would pass.
God Bless Me
Ashish
March 2, 2011
Uncle came back today. I had no intentions of saying ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ but when I was with Srishti to give her some CDs he came out of room to make faces, that’s his way of saying ‘hello’. I was in the room when I thought, may be I should go and ask him to install MS Office 2010. Grandpa was sitting there. Uncle and grandpa in the same place, everyone knows what the scene must be. Grandpa started in heavy rustic tone to ask me about results, seeing that uncle was sitting there. I was very upset by this, but I could not have said anything unfortunately. When grandpa had asked if I welcomed the uncle, I told him straight ‘yes’, and that was on uncle’s face. Uncle had his eyes closed when I had turned my face for a second. I had come in a very positive mood and I was even about to ask but grandpa came in between to ruin the things up. I was feeling very pissed by now, I decided not to ask and even uncle had understood that I had come to ask for something. He got up even before me. I got up next with the laptop to come to my room again.
People sometimes talk in sleep. It happens because they actually dwell in the dream, in the scene that goes in their heads. I saw Prashant talking so just thought of the similar habit if mine. I mean, I have many times got into trouble because of this, talking to myself even when no one is around. People look at you with pale face as if you are cannibal or something. On the other day, a man, who was a real psycho, came, and sat next to me. He moved his fingers after particular instants of time, and moved his neck as if asking something, or pointing at something in front. That scared me for a second; it got the breath out of me. However, then I realized that it was not a big deal to over react. I should not act awkward, making him feel uncomfortable, but the way he was moving his neck in-and-out very close to my face, I had to given him attention.
I just talked to the Bengali teacher (Electrical Science teacher) for the first time yesterday. After the exam, I ran to her to ask a little about internal marking process, but she told me that the date of internal exam is on Monday. Later, Apurv, Gaurav Gupta, and I were standing in the open when Isha Baliyan just passed. I turned around to see, and hell, Anshu ma’am was approaching from that direction. She was in casuals and she looked nicer.
God Bless Me
Ashish
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Tags: Medicine,Science,
3 October, 2012
Prashant left off for hostel for week-days again, wow.
I was up by 0800 and did deep breathing; I got ready with just face-wash and brushing. I travelled with babaji and buaji till Laxmi Nagar. I was at the center by 0900 and alone. I just talked to the helping-person for a while until Sneha came at 0940, she hadn’t replied to my two messages when I had reached the center and Gaurav had called just then to tell me that his relative had expired so he was to go to meet him. I just waited, and there was this time when the DOT-NET lady teacher in thirties. She asked me about Nishant sir (at HCL Internship Center), I told her that he is never coming before 0930 if class timing is 0900. Later she had glanced here at me through the glass-pane of that other cabin where she stood with the North-Eastern lady (fatty) accountant. I knew that looks, I knew what those eyes were, she knows something about me. I should not care though, some one week or two and it will be all in the dust.
Sir came late at 0945; Sneha and I were just standing there near the entry-register waiting to go in a while after talking to SANTOSH sir. Sneha asked sir for exam date and sir said next week probably. Sneha asked to leave fifteen minutes early at 1045, which really wasn’t a nice thing. Sir had offered her to come to the evening batch of SERVLETS and JSP, but she had refused.
I did a little walking for the next bus-stop before crossing the two lanes and getting on the other side. Due to my narrow-vision psyche because of recent follow-ups of people and incidents, I was just noticing the things that I could have related to them. I was like able notice men with specs and nice fashionable hair-do. I had got on just any bus to get past few more stops until my turn came. Here I noticed this very old woman, doing in 70s or something, with typical dress-up like a broad skirt, shirt of dull dark color, brown or green something. She carried a bag over her shoulder and a stick to help her walk. She begged and it was a very rude thing to watch how people refused to give off even coins to her. I wanted to turn my neck away but then I forced myself to see that and tell to myself that ‘I am not going to give her anything’, it was cruel, very. She never spread her hand to me as I was standing at the back, and got the bus on time.
I was back by 1130; I had rest and got the food to eat by 1230 when aunt was cooking. I just kept the food and thought of things to do. She asked me if I pray before eating, I told her no, if I were praying I would have been eating burger or something. I kept the plate on the table and pulled open the internet and Notebook; she saw this and sparked ‘the person is an idiot if one wishes to give you hot food’. I let the download happen on the Notebook and did eating.
I was studying 'Mobile Computing' by 0130. It is Preety Dhaka's subject and I wish to score better this time, I don’t want to be on her mercy, damn it. I haven’t yet collected first terminal marks; I had only heard that I passed in 'Requirements Estimation' and 'Advanced Computer Architecture'.
I was sleeping from 1500 to 1700, did some stretches for fatigued legs for some 15 minutes, had tea and then sat to write.
I was off of Notebook by 2100, had dinner and was studying from 2145 to 2245. That was when I thought of learning a little about psychology behind forgetting. I sat on internet from 2245 until 0045. While working on the Notebook I realized that its exhaust system was making awful lot of noise. I would never want anything to happen to it, costs me one hell.
I was studying psychology; it is more of uncertain and cannot-be-parameters, one of the reasons why I would not want to take psychology as something serious. I would want something that can be mapped and applied by the help of mathematics. Mathematics is extremely important and will remain my love forever. Then I convinced myself that I have come farthest in programming and that’s what I do, that is what I am, a programmer. I studied for thirty minutes to fill my brain with something to feed upon, or else thoughts from past would be creeping up, no way. I went to bed for deep-breathing at 0210 and then slept.
Now, these days when I hear Police siren, it almost seems normal. Aunt had pulled down curtains to make new ones and now windows remain uncovered all the time, but should I care for.
2 October, 2012 (Mahatma Gandhi Jayanti)
I was up by 0900 and I thought of just studying but I was stupid to think like that. I have been counting days like it is one month and 29 days away from December, and I thought I should make use of each and every single day. I was wrong when I thought it was possible here. Just when I was out of bed, aunt came and told me to throw open every door of the place. I haven’t even meditated yet, I had got up to the sound of TV and had stood up to close the door, when she threw that open again and yelled at me.
I then went over to brush my teeth, I was just getting ready. I had bath and shampoo. I saw outside the window and there was this preparation of sports-meeting for little kids of the society going on. There was going to be lunch as well, I was in very serious thought of whether to go or not all the time. I was sitting in my chair by 1030 to study 'Organization Behavior' (OB). I had 'Digital Circuits and Systems II' (DCS2) tuition at 1230 so I had leave by 1130 and I did. I was supposing to be back by 1400, but class started off late around 0115 and ran till 1430. Old-south-Indian faculty has been replaced by this one, a short, fat, about 30’s, is a Jain and uses the word ‘son’ a lot. He was telling us on how to interpret previous year question papers about the questions that are probable to come even the next time, I felt like he was sent here college Discipline Committee, to help, it may sound ironical now.
I had already got call from babaji’s number which I then cut in the class. I also got message from this number that read ‘Dinesh’ in the name, I was like "What!" and very serious thoughts about it. I was running my brain damn hard trying to think of how my classmate Dinesh knows that there is food in the society. I thought hard to try to make a connection between Dinesh and Tanuja Nautiyal (backstabber from Discipline Committee). I was back at home and I saw the just last dozens of the dispersing crowd. I thought to run out and go eat then I met amma on the way and she was bringing food for me. I guess I was lucky, because I seriously was not in the mood to get out there. Reason maybe that I didn’t want to renew my memories from gone past; it was not an easy and nice thing for me. I had met Puneet Jain on the society gate; he was saying good-bye to his cousin, whatever. Talking about how he saw me, he seemed to be a little closed, well; I shouldn’t have asked him who it was when he had sent me text some last time.
I ate and amma told me to get out there and bring some Daal, but there was no plate, so I came back to eat the good amount that amma had brought, 4 Puri, some rice and enough good potato-mix and the second one as well. I had seen Mahima’s mother, she reminds me of Mahima, the face seems such a match, damn it. My heart feels heavy when I would be thinking of Mahima.
Then I tell Srishti about the messages from my classmate and she told me that it was Anu whom I had saved with wrong name. I was like ‘Ohh’ and Srishti was right. Later I was just sitting with her and listening to her showing me off her songs in the phone. I was tired but didn’t seem to be in the want to leave. At 1600, I was watching TV and by 1630, I came over to sleep. It was Prashant who had flipped open the door when babaji was watching old 70s-80s Bollywood songs and it was all noise pollution here. He broke my sleep as always, what can I do about it anyway, so just writing it down it here. It was 1830; aunt, Srishti and Prashant were going to see of the new-born boy to Srishti’s cousin Swati, she married just months away. The child was born today in the evening when I was with Srishti, 1600.
I wrote about the day from 1900 to 2000. I had dinner by 2030. Amma and babaji were in the living room, amma told babaji about the option of letting some builder pull down the Tri-Nagar house and let him keep one storey and leave the rest for us, along with the rights of the property. This plan irks me a lot, why bringing the house down and building something on property under dispute, yes, why. While thinking about it at night in bed, I told asked myself one thing, ‘do I want it,’ answer is ‘no’. It has already been decided and further thinking is not at all required, my absence from the matter is all set and discussed, case is shut.
The aunt and family was back by 2115. I was studying from 2200 to 0000. I shouldn’t have told amma about the pinch by the slipper in the little middle finger of the right foot. She was back in about half-an-hour with band-aid and I was like ‘no, no, please no’ and about to wet my eyes.
I recognized the missing cloth from the railing next to security-room outside as seen from my window. I was thinking if some shit had been cooking under it all the way long. Then also, today the lights of the guard-room weren’t off, why.
I was in bed after deep-breathing by 0030. I was unable to sleep; I was damn badly running my thoughts in every direction. I had seen time going, 0100, 0145, at 0225, I was eating some oily-snacks to fill up. Last time I saw was, 0245.
1 October, 2012
Sneha (from internship) replied to my messages last night just before 2300. She said she was ready to come but that now sir had said to come on third, I told her to call and put up class tomorrow. She refused to do that and told me that she will call him in the morning. She had got irritated actually; I told her I was only trying to keep everyone in touch. She had left a message around 0700 when I was sleeping that neither she nor Gaurav was coming today. I was like ‘awesome’ as if I didn’t know that.
I was tired and I just slept on books with my Notebook still out there, the Prashant had put off the light. I turned on the light and just moved the things. I thought of getting up early and went down to sleep without delaying by 2345. I fell asleep after deep-breathing in sitting posture and then while lying in bed.
I had seen some stupid dream just before waking up. I saw some person standing behind me, very close like some crazy-killer. It wasn’t once; I saw this thing again, with someone with clean face standing just over my shoulder until I discover him pointing his bottle like as if pointing a gun onto me. I was awake just after it. I woke up at 1030 and did deep-breathing. I was just roaming around the house; actually, grandma was talking to someone whom she knew to be acquaintance of HEM (brother of grandpa) from 'Tri Nagar'. She was talking about Sadhana (mom), and grandma was just spitting about Sadhana and how she is, what she is to someone for whom it was probably not going to matter anyhow. I was not going to stand in the bathroom while brushing and listen to all the bullshit I didn’t have much to say or do about. I was in the room sitting and waiting until that the time comes for me to go and brush. I brushed by 1230, I was sitting in the room and I now hear grandma talking to Seema aunt about what the man had just talked to her about. Aunt was telling grandma of the money that could be generated by giving away the contract for building a structure there and letting him keep storey, then rent the others after keeping Sadhna in one and distributing the others as per the requirement. I was hearing it and just let it go off, thinking how that mean to me and what does it mean to me, nothing. It has nothing to do with me.
One thing I asked myself after this was, the person to whom grandma talked that long conversation, was he even real, was the phone-line safe and not been sniffed.
I had sandwiches and Gol-gappe by 1300; aunt had made them at home. I didn’t really like Gol-gappe and had only two for taste and not being ignorant. I was studying for two hours, 'Organizational Behavior' (OB), the psychology-part on individual behavior. It was not what was to read but just did it. Anu saw two pens on my table that might have belonged to her and she took them away like they were her precious jewels, she keeps over two dozens of pens. I was sleeping for two hours from 1500 to 1700. I woke up in fatigue, legs feelings crunched. I did some stretching for 20 minutes and just sat thereafter. I had missed the lunch today so had two sandwiches around 1800 before sitting on Notebook.
I had counted my saved money and it was some 6800 INR, I had thought of them to be 7100 INR. I had forgotten about the 200 INR I had kept in my notepad in drawer. I tell myself not to be money-minded for at least next 8 months, I tell myself to stop banking until the college gets over.
I watched the left movie ‘MAX PAYNE, 2008’ about a detective seeking revenge for the cold case of his wife’s murder three years ago. The movie seemed awesome to me, and I really liked it.
The movie ended after 2200, starting from 2030.
I am sort of thoughtful about the objects that I see on the railing just next to the guard-room. I would be susceptible that these could be camera or something, now there was this thing missing, what could it mean. I just have to keep my thoughts to myself, I guess.
I went down to sleep at 0130 but after I didn’t catch it, I was up to eat something at 0200 and I wasn’t asleep until 0230.
8th March, 2012
Happy Holi!
Shruti, Prachi, and Anushka were here in the morning. The society was not very noisy; as expected Holi won’t be what it once used to be, with its craze visibly decreasing every year. Chachi was pushing everyone to come and play with water and colors outside but I was in no mood. Only the girls went, as a matter of fact the number was even enough (Srishti, Anu, chachi, Shruti, Prachi, and Anushka; and Prashant partially active and Yashvir uncle watching).
Ankur and buaji had texted.
Chachi had cooked DOSA for lunch and breakfast. I have increased listening to music these days, don’t know why; also little meditation in bed sometimes.
No studies so far, hope to do 'Data Warehouse and Data Mining' (DWDM) assignment.
I studied for it from the evening and was able to find answer to the trickiest and only indirect question off of the four questions.
I was in a really bad mood; I was confused as to what should I do between four things: first, finish assignment, second, think about Omicron project, third, think about my history which mostly comes back on the days like this when it is off, fourth, take rest and sleep.
I studied and went for exercise in the park behind the society, around 2000 for an hour.
March 12, 2011
Around 0800 I woke up and gave Ankur a call. He didn’t pick up. I waited till 1000 and called him again via landline and chachi’s phone. It felt very bad to know that he was going to be busy today. He had to go to audit somewhere today, he said. I got a promise from him that he’ll be going with me to Nehru Place on Monday. I left for the local market with 30R for the day. Amma denied giving 100R. I visited local market and Laxmi Nagar, eventually, seeing that if would go back home early amma would know I did not spend money in going to college, which I anyway never do. My budget price of 20K is well under control with the market price of notebooks from various brands. I was satisfied but just if I could go and see Nehru Place once. I had been trying Ankur’s number ever since this morning, and tried to call him again after coming back home. Then I called on Shruti’s number. I asked Shruti if Ankur was there, and hell, yes, he was. As Shruti passed on the phone, the first word that came out of my mouth was an expletive. I told him that I was coming to his place tomorrow but then he said he has to go to work tomorrow, on Sunday because he took leave today. He settled down to meet me on Monday. Ankur was watching cricket match between India vs. South Africa, which, now, I’m glad India lost.
After waking up from evening nap I still didn’t have any idea of what to do after such a terrible day. And Srishti brought Sonal Singh inside the house when she had come to call Srishti to accompany her somewhere they were going.
These days I’m trying to talk to Smita to learn to talk.
Neighbor of maid servant hanged himself after a fight with his wife, funny (sarcastically).
God bless me
Ashish
March 11, 2011
Was I followed by that cop? First he struck with me at Kashmere Gate, and later again when I was on my bus to Shastri Park. I let it go. I spent whole time in doing 'Algorithms Analysis and Design' (ADA) assignment. I had got bad marks in first terminal. I attended 'Operating Systems' period to see my marks. I got 15 out of 30 marks in that. That’s okay for this time. I’ll try to do better. Astha said she didn’t know I am third CR. It felt like an insult when I had to tell her names of the other CR(s) and then force a smile while looking in her glistening eyes. Kriti Bahl used word ‘C***’ four to five times in front of over 12 students, to tell how boys refer to each other while bitching.
I did my part of collecting assignments around 12 pm, and submitted around ten of them. I came back home. After taking nap I had dinner early around 0630 and then I thought about the day going by. I called Aditya to tell him to come up with a model for the writer’s community he’s thinking of founding. He said my ideas of 'Students Fraternity Club' (SFC) are irrational and I did not mind these words because I know I sound like extremists in most of my views.
In the library, there was a hot seductress sitting in deep left corner. And on the seat facing my usual position of deep right sat a teacher (Muslim). It appeared if the setting in the library was to keep a check on me. Huh! Luckily I was there with Nitish and I sat on the first chair of the middle row, left side with seductress not in my view.
Smita replied to my message, finally.
A woman stood on the over bridge to watch me when I was getting home near Mavilla apartments. And on the other day two rustic men were on the bus stop perusing my face so deeply. I didn’t mind, though. Their faces were really scary. College management has gone beyond limits now.
God bless me
Ashish
