Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson) - Summary

Crucial Conversations

Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler (2002)

CH. 1: What's a Crucial Conversation?

And Who Cares?

Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla?

First, opinions vary.

Second, stakes are high.

Third, emotions run strong.

HOW DO WE TYPICALLY HANDLE CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS?

• We can avoid them. (as in Silence)

• We can face them and handle them poorly. (as in Violence)

• We can face them and handle them well.

Now: We're on Our Worst Behavior

When conversations matter the most-that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial-we're generally on our worst behavior.

Why is that?

We're designed wrong. When conversations tum from routine to crucial, we're often in trouble. That's because emotions don't exactly prepare us to converse effectively. Countless generations of genetic shaping drive humans to handle crucial conversations with flying fists and fleet feet, not intelligent persuasion and gentle attentiveness.

For instance, consider a typical crucial conversation. Someone says something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. The hairs you can handle. Unfortunately, your body does more. Two tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. You don't choose to do this. Your adrenal glands do it, and then you have to live with it.

And that's not all. Your brain then diverts blood from activities it deems nonessential to high-priority tasks such as hitting and running. Unfortunately, as the large muscles of the arms and legs get more blood, the higher-level reasoning sections of your brain get less. As a result, you end up facing challenging conversations with the same equipment available to a rhesus monkey.

We're under pressure.

Let's add another factor. Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come out of nowhere. And since you're caught by surprise, you're forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex human interaction in real time-no books, no coaches, and certainly no short breaks while a team of therapists runs to your aid and pumps you full of nifty ideas.

What do you have to work with? The issue at hand, the other person, and a brain that's preparing to fight or take flight. It's little wonder that we often say and do things that make perfect sense in the moment, but later on seem, well, stupid.

"What was I thinking?" you wonder.

The truth is, you were real-time multitasking with a brain that was working another job. You're lucky you didn't suffer a stroke.

We're stumped.

Now let's throw in one more complication.

You don't know where to start. You're making this up as you go along because you haven't often seen real-life models of effective communication skills. Let's say that you actually planned for a tough conversation-maybe you've even mentally rehearsed. You feel prepared, and you're as cool as a cucumber.

Will you succeed? Not necessarily. You can still screw up, because practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.

This means that first you have to know what to practice. Sometimes you don't. After all, you may have never actually seen how a certain problem is best handled. You may have seen what not to do-as modeled by a host of friends, colleagues, and, yes, even your parents. In fact, you may have sworn time and again not to act the same way.

Left with no healthy models, you're now more or less stumped. So what do you do? You do what most people do. You wing it. You piece together the words, create a certain mood, and otherwise make up what you think will work-all the while multiprocessing with a half-starved brain. It's little wonder that when it matters the most, we're often at our worst behavior.

We act in self-defeating ways.

In our doped-up, dumbed-down state, the strategies we choose for dealing with our crucial conversations are perfectly designed to keep us from what we actually want. We're our own worst enemies-and we don't even realize it. Here's how this works.

Let's say that your significant other has been paying less and less attention to you. You realize he or she has a busy job, but you still would like more time together. You drop a few hints about the issue, but your loved one doesn't handle it well. You decide not to put on added pressure, so you clam up. Of course, since you're not all that happy with the arrangement, your displeasure now comes out through an occasional sarcastic remark.

"Another late night, huh? Do you really need all of the money in the world?"

Unfortunately, and here's where the problem becomes self-defeating, the more you snip and snap, the less your loved one wants to be around you. So your significant other spends even less time with you, you become even more upset, and the spiral continues. Your behavior is now actually creating the very thing you didn't want in the first place. You're caught in an unhealthy, self-defeating loop.

OUR AUDACIOUS CLAIMS ABOUT HAVING THE CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS IN THE RIGHT WAY:

1. Kick-Start Your Career

Twenty-five years of research with twenty thousand people and hundreds of organizations has taught us that individuals who are the most influential-who can get things done, and at the same time build on relationships-are those who master their crucial conversations.

2. Improve Your Organization

Okay, so individual careers may sink or swim based on crucial conversations, but how about organizations? Surely a soft-and gushy factor such as how you talk to one another doesn't have an impact on the not so soft-and-gushy bottom line.

What's behind their success? It all comes down to how people handle crucial conversations. Within high-performing companies, when employees fail to deliver on their promises, colleagues willingly and effectively step in to discuss the problem. In the worst companies, poor performers are first ignored and then transferred. In good companies, bosses eventually deal with problems. In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable-regardless of level or position. The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels.

Solve pressing problems. The best companies in almost any critical area are the ones that have developed the skills for dealing effectively with conversations that relate to that specific topic. For example:

• Safety. When someone violates a procedure or otherwise acts in an unsafe way, the first person to see the problem, regardless of his or her position, steps up and holds a crucial conversation.

• Productivity. If an employee underperforms, fails to live up to a promise, doesn't carry his or her fair share, or simply isn't productive enough, the affected parties address the problem immediately.

• Diversity. When someone feels offended, threatened, insulted, or harassed, he or she skillfully and comfortably, discusses the issue with the offending party.

• Quality. In companies where quality rules, people discuss problems face-to-face when they first come up.

• Every other hot topic. Companies that are best-in-class in innovation, teamwork, change management, or any other area that calls for human interaction are best-in-class in holding the relevant crucial conversations.

3. Improve Your Relationships

Consider the impact crucial conversations can have on your relationships. Could failed crucial conversations lead to failed relationships? As it turns out, when you ask the average person what causes couples to break up, he or she usually suggests that it's due to differences of opinion. You know, people have different theories about how to manage their finances, spice up their love lives, or rear their children. In truth, everyone argues about important issues. But not everyone splits up. It's how you argue that matters.

Now, what about you? Think of your own important relationships. Are there a few crucial conversations that you're currently avoiding or handling poorly? Do you walk away from some issues only to come charging back into others? Do you hold in ugly opinions only to have them tumble out as sarcastic remarks or cheap shots? How about your significant other or family members? Are they constantly toggling from seething silence to subtle but costly attacks? When it matters the most (after all, these are your cherished loved ones), are you on your worst behavior? If so, you definitely have something to gain by learning more about how to handle crucial conversations.

4. Revitalize Your Community

Next, let's look at our neighborhoods and communities. If the fate of an organization is largely determined by how pivotal conversations are habitually handled, why should the communities that surround them be any different? The truth is, they aren't.

The difference between the best communities and the good or the worst is not the number of problems they have. All communities face problems. Once again, the difference lies in how they deal with problems. In the best communities, key individuals and groups find a way to engage in healthy dialogue. They talk through important issues. In contrast, communities that fail to improve play costly games. During community meetings people insult one another, become indignant, and act as if individuals with differing views are sick or deranged. Battles ensue.

In addition to how people behave in public forums, private behavior affects community health as well. Take, for example, the problem of crime. You might be shocked to discover a rather tragic statistic. Not everyone in prison is a career criminal who was born into a horrible family, then shaped by abuse and neglect into a seething sociopath. In fact, over half of the people who are convicted of violent crimes are first-time offenders who commit crimes against friends or loved ones.

How could this be? Violence is often preceded by prolonged periods of silence. Most inmates once held a job, paid their bills, and remembered their friends' birthdays. Then one day, after allowing unresolved problems to build up and then boil over, they attacked a friend, loved one, or neighbor. That's right, convicted first-time offenders are often not career criminals. They're our frustrated neighbors. Since they don't know what to say or how to say it, they opt for force. In this case, the inability to work through tough issues devastates individuals, ruins families, and poisons communities.

What about where you live? What crucial issues does your community face? Are there conversations that people are not holding or not holding well that keep you from progress? Is crime skyrocketing? Do your community meetings look more like the Jerry Springer show than an energetic forum for healthy communication? If so, both you and the community have a lot to gain by focusing on how you handle high-stakes discussions.

5. Improve Your Personal Health

Those who routinely failed their crucial conversations have far weaker immune systems than those who find a way to resolve them well. Of course, the weaker the immune system, the worse their health.

The negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health. In some cases, the impact of failed conversations leads to minor problems. In others it results in disaster. In all cases, failed conversations never make us happier, healthier, or better off.

CH. 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations

The Power of Dialogue

di·a·logue or di·a·log (di' a-lOg", -log) n

The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

HERE'S HOW DIALOGUE WORKS

When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by definition we don't share the same pool. Our opinions differ. I believe one thing, you another. I have one history, you another.

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool-even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. Now, obviously they don't agree with every idea; they simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open.

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make. As people sit through an open discussion where ideas are shared, they take part in the free flow of meaning. Eventually they understand why the shared solution is the best solution, and they're committed to act.

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Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it's because we don't know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play silly and costly games.

For instance, sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute and Stay Mute. That is, we don't confront people in positions of authority. Or at home we may play Freeze Your Lover. With this tortured technique we give loved ones the cold shoulder in order to get them to treat us better (what's the logic in that?).

Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of disgust to make our points. We play the martyr and then pretend we're actually trying to help. Afraid to confront an individual, we blame an entire team for a problem-hoping the message will hit the right target. Whatever the technique, the overall method is the same. We withhold meaning from the pool. We go to silence.

On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we rely on violence-anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks. We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments. We discredit others, hoping people won't believe their arguments. And then we use every manner of force to get our way. We borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues. The goal, of course, is always the same-to compel others to our point of view.

Now, here's how the various elements fit together. When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, we're often at our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning especially our high-stakes, sensitive, and controversial opinions, feelings, and ideas-and to get others to share their pools. We have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning.

CH. 3: Start with Heart

How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want

This is the first principle of dialogue - Start with your own Heart. If you can't get yourself right, you'll have a hard time getting dialogue right.

WHEN WE DON'T WORK ON ME FIRST

Two little girls are fighting to get into a single-holer restroom and neither of the two realize that had they let the other one use it first, they would have been able to use it gazillion times in the time that they had been fighting.

DON'T LOOK AT ME!

Although it's true that there are times when we are merely bystanders in life's never-ending stream of head-on collisions, rarely are we completely innocent.

People who are best at dialogue understand this simple fact and tum it into the principle "Work on me first." They realize that not only are they likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that they're the only person they can work on anyway. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape-with any degree of success-is the person in the mirror.

There's a certain irony embedded in this fact. People who believe they need to start with themselves do just that. And here's the irony. It's the most talented, not the least talented, who are continually trying to improve their dialogue skills.

START WITH HEART

That is, begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and stay focused no matter what happens.

Skilled people maintain this focus in two ways. First, they're steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them. Second, skilled people don't make Sucker's Choices (either/or choices). Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option.

Let's look at each of these important heart-based assumptions in turn.

A MOMENT OF TRUTH

FIRST, FOCUS ON WHAT YOU REALLY WANT

Refocus your brain.

Now, let's move to a situation you might face. You're speaking with someone who completely disagrees with you on a hot issue. How does all of this goal stuff apply? As you begin the discussion, start by examining your motives. Going in, ask yourself what you really want.

Also, as the conversation unfolds and you find yourself starting to, say, defer to the boss or give your spouse the cold shoulder, pay attention to what's happening to your objectives. Are you starting to change your goal to save face, avoid embarrassment, win, be right, or punish others? Here's the tricky part. Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part. When adrenaline does our thinking for us, our motives flow with the chemical tide.

In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself much like an outsider. Ask yourself: "What am I doing, and if I had to guess, what does it tell me about my underlying motive?" As you make an honest effort to discover your motive, you might conclude: "Let's see. I'm pushing hard, making the argument stronger than I actually believe, and doing anything to win. I've shifted from trying to select a vacation location to trying to win an argument."

Once you call into question the shifting desires of your heart, you can make conscious choices to change them. "What I really want is to genuinely try to select a vacation spot we can all enjoy-rather than try to win people over to my ideas." Put succinctly, when you name the game, you can stop playing it.

But how? How do you recognize what has happened to you, stop playing games, and then influence your own motives? Do what Greta did. Stop and ask yourself some questions that return you to dialogue. You can ask these questions either when you find yourself slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when you prepare to step up to a crucial conversation. Here are some great ones:

What do I really want for myself?

What do I really want for others?

What do I really want for the relationship?

Once you've asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question:

How would I behave if I really wanted these results?

Find your bearings.

There are two good reasons for asking these questions. First, the answer to what we really want helps us to locate our own North Star. Despite the fact that we're being tempted to take the wrong path by (1) people who are trying to pick a fight, (2) thousands of years of genetic hardwiring that brings our emotions to a quick boil, and (3) our deeply ingrained habit of trying to win, our North Star returns us to our original purpose.

Take charge of your body.

The second reason for asking what we really want is no less important. When we ask ourselves what we really want, we affect our entire physiology. As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think, and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight. Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.

Common Deviations

Wanting to win. This particular dialogue killer sits at the top of many of our lists.

Seeking revenge. Sometimes, as our anger increases, we move from wanting to win the point to wanting to harm the other person.

Hoping to remain safe. Of course, we don't always fix mistakes, aggressively discredit others, or heartlessly try to make them suffer. Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue. Rather than add to the pool of meaning, and possibly make waves along the way, we go to silence. We're so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation.

SECOND, REFUSE THE SUCKER'S CHOICE

Two ugly options. This pernicious strategy is particularly well suited for keeping us off track. It's known as a Sucker's Choice. In order to justify an especially sordid behavior, we suggest that we're caught between two distasteful options. Either we can be honest and attack our spouse, or we can be kind and withhold the truth. Either we can disagree with the boss to help make a better choice-and get shot for it-or we can remain quiet, starve the pool, and keep our job. Pick your poison.

What makes these Sucker's Choices is that they're always set up as the only two options available. It's the worst of either/or thinking. The person making the choice never suggests there's a third option that doesn't call for unhealthy behavior. For example, maybe there's a way to be honest and respectful. Perhaps we can express our candid opinion to our boss and be safe.

Open Yourself to Change

Search for the Elusive "And"

First, clarify what you really want.

Second, clarify what you really don't want. This is the key to framing the and question. Think of what you are afraid will happen to you if you back away from your current strategy of trying to win or stay safe.

Third, present your brain with a more complex problem. Finally, combine the two into an and question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence and violence.

"How can I have a candid conversation with my husband about being more dependable and avoid creating bad feelings or wasting our time?"

CH. 4: Learn to Look

How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk

WATCH FOR CONDITIONS

In truth, most of us do have trouble dual-processing (watching for content and conditions)-especially when it comes to a crucial conversation. When both stakes and emotions are high, we get so caught up in what we're saying that it can be nearly impossible to pull ourselves out of the argument in order to see what's happening to ourselves and to others. Even when we are startled by what's going on, enough so that we think: "Yikes! This has turned ugly. Now what?" we may not know what to look for in order to turn things around. We may not see enough of what's happening.

1. Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations

First, stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from a routine or harmless discussion into a crucial one. In a similar vein, as you anticipate entering a tough conversation, pay heed to the fact that you're about to enter the danger zone.

To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you're in a crucial conversation. Some people first notice physical signals-their stomach gets tight or their eyes get dry. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit different. What are your cues? Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand.

Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in their body. They realize they are scared, hurt, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings. These emotions can also be great cues to tell you to step back, slow down, and take steps to turn your brain back on.

Some people's first cue is not physical or emotional, but behavioral. It's like an out-of-body experience. They see themselves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. It's only then that they realize how they're feeling.

2. Learn to look for Safety Problems

If you can catch signs that the conversation is starting to tum crucial- before you get sucked so far into the actual argument that you can never withdraw from the content-then you can start dual-processing immediately. And what exactly should you watch for? People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content-that's a given-and they watch for signs that people are afraid. When friends, loved ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely adding to the pool of meaning)-either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool they immediately tum their attention to whether or not others feel safe.

When it's safe, you can say anything.

Here's why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning-period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren't buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions-to fight and to take flight-are motivated by the same emotion: fear. On the other hand, if you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything and people will listen. If you don't fear that you're being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.

When it's unsafe, you start to go blind.

By carefully watching for safety violations, not only can you see when dialogue is in danger, but you can also reengage your brain. As we've said before, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. Not only do you prepare to take flight, but your peripheral vision actually narrows. In fact, when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what's right in front of you. Similarly, when you feel the outcome of a conversation is being threatened, you have a hard time seeing beyond the point you're trying to make. By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and watching for fear, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns.

Don't let safety problems lead you astray.

Let's add a note of caution. When others begin to feel unsafe, they start doing nasty things. Now, since they're feeling unsafe, you should be thinking to yourself: "Hey, they're feeling unsafe. I need to do something- maybe make it safer." That's what you should be thinking. Unfortunately, since others feel unsafe, they may be trying to make fun of you, insult you, or bowl you over with their arguments. This kind of aggressive behavior doesn't exactly bring out the diplomat in you. So instead of taking their attack as a sign that safety is at risk, you take it at its face-as an attack. " I'm under attack! " you think. Then you respond in kind. Or maybe you try to escape. Either way you're not dual-processing and then pulling out a skill to restore safety. Instead, you're becoming part of the problem as you get pulled into the fight.

Silence

Silence consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. It's almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding the person entirely. The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.

• Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.

• Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.

• Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.

Violence

Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.

• Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It's done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.

• Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.

• Attacking speaks for itself. You've moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

3. Look for Your Style Under Stress

Low self-monitors.

The truth is, we all have trouble monitoring our own behavior at times. We usually lose any semblance of social sensitivity when we become so consumed with ideas and causes that we lose track of what we're doing. We try to bully our way through. We speak when we shouldn't. We do things that don't work-all in the name of a cause. We eventually become so unaware that we become a bit like this fellow of Jack Handy's invention.

"People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn't the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. 'No, you stupid idiot,' I said, 'that's my house.'"

Become a Vigilant Self-Monitor

What does it take to be able to step out of an argument and watch for process-including what you yourself are doing and the impact you're having? You have to become a vigilant self-monitor. That is, pay close attention to what you're doing and the impact it's having, and then alter your strategy if necessary. Specifically, watch to see if you're having a good or bad impact on safety.

CH. 5: Make It Safe

How to Make It Safe to Talk about Almost Anything

STEP OUT. MAKE IT SAFE. THEN STEP BACK IN

How can she get back to honest and healthy dialogue after a glitch?

What do you do when you don't feel like it's safe to share what's on your mind?

The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don't stay stuck in what's being said.

So, what should she do in a crucial conversation?

In these circumstances, the worst at dialogue do what both Jotham and Yvonne did. Like Jotham, they totally ignore the crying need for more safety. They say whatever is on their minds with no regard for how it will be received. Or like Yvonne, they conclude the topic is completely unsafe and move to silence. The good realize that safety is at risk, but they fix it in exactly the wrong way. They try to make the subject more palatable by sugarcoating their message. They try to make things safer by watering down their content. This strategy, of course, avoids the real problem, and it never gets fixed.

The best don't play games. They know that dialogue is the free flow of meaning-with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. Once you've spotted safety problems, you can talk about the most challenging of topics by stepping out of the content and building enough safety that almost anything becomes discussable.

NOTICE WHICH OF THE TWO CONDITIONS FOR SAFETY IS AT RISK

Mutual Purpose

Why Talk in the First Place?

The first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that we are working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that we care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. We believe they care about ours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.

Watch for signs that Mutual Purpose is at risk.

How do we know when the safety problem we're seeing is due to a lack of Mutual Purpose? It's actually fairly easy to spot. First and foremost, when purpose is at risk, we end up in debate. When others start forcing their opinions into the pool of meaning, it's often because they figure that we're trying to win and they need to do the same. Other signs that purpose is at risk include defensiveness, hidden agendas (the silence form of fouled-up purpose), accusations, and circling back to the same topic. Here are some crucial questions to help us determine when Mutual Purpose is at risk:

• Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?

• Do they trust my motives?

Remember the Mutual in Mutual Purpose.

Just a word to the wise. Mutual Purpose is not a technique. To succeed in crucial conversations, we must really care about the interests of others not just our own. The purpose has to be truly mutual. If our goal is to get our way or manipulate others, it will quickly become apparent, safety will be destroyed, and we'll be back to silence and violence in no time. Before you begin, examine your motives.

Ask yourself the Start with Heart questions:

• What do I want for me?

• What do I want for others?

• What do I want for the relationship?

Mutual Respect

Will We Be Able to Remain in Dialogue?

While it's true that there's no reason to enter a crucial conversation if you don't have Mutual Purpose, it's equally true that you can't stay in the conversation if you don't maintain Mutual Respect. Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don't respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.

Why? Because respect is like air. If you take it away, it's all people can think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose-it is now about defending dignity.

Telltale signs.

To spot when respect is violated and safety takes a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dignity. Emotions are the key. When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged. Their emotions tum from fear to anger.

Then they resort to pouting, name-calling, yelling, and making threats. Ask the following question to determine when Mutual Respect is at risk:

• Do others believe I respect them?

Can You Respect People You Don't Respect?

Some people fear they'll never be able to maintain Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect with certain individuals or in certain circumstances. How, they wonder, can they share the same purpose with people who come from completely different backgrounds or whose morals or values differ from theirs? What do you do, for example, if you're upset because another person has let you down? And if this has repeatedly happened, how can you respect a person who is so poorly motivated and selfish?

Dialogue truly would be doomed if we had to share every objective or respect every element of another person's character before we could talk. If this were the case, we'd all be mute. We can, however, stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person's basic humanity. In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar. Without excusing their behavior, we try to sympathize, even empathize, with them.

A rather clever person once hinted how to do this in the form of a prayer-"Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I." When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it's easier to find a way to respect others. When we do this, we feel a kinship, a sense of mutuality between ourselves and even the thorniest of people. It is this sense of kinship and connection to others that motivates us to enter tough conversations, and it eventually enables us to stay in dialogue with virtually anyone.

WHAT TO DO ONCE YOU STEP OUT

When you see that either Mutual Respect or Purpose is at risk, we've suggested that you shouldn't ignore it. We've also argued that you should be able to find a way to both find Mutual Purpose and enjoy Mutual Respect-even with people who are enormously different.

But how? What are you supposed to actually do? We've shared a few modest ideas (mostly things to avoid), so let's get into three hard-hitting skills that the best at dialogue use:

• Apologize

• Contrast

• CRIB

Each skill helps rebuild either Mutual Respect or Mutual Purpose.

Apologize When Appropriate

When you've made a mistake that has hurt others (e.g., you didn't call the team), start with an apology. An apology is a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing-or at least not preventing-pain or difficulty to others.

Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding

Sometimes others feel disrespected during crucial conversations even though we haven't done anything disrespectful. Sure, there are times when respect gets violated because we behave in clearly hurtful ways. But just as often, the insult is entirely unintended.

The same can happen with Mutual Purpose. You can start by innocently sharing your views, but the other person believes your intention is to beat him or her up or coerce him or her into accepting your opinion. Clearly an apology is not appropriate in these circumstances. It would be disingenuous to admit you were wrong when you weren't. How, then, can you rebuild Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect in order to make it safe to get back to dialogue? When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called Contrasting.

Contrasting is a don't/do statement that:

• Addresses others' concerns that you don't respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don't part).

• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).

Of the two parts of Contrasting, the don't is the more important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has put safety at risk. The employees who worked so hard are acting on the belief that you don't appreciate their efforts and didn't care enough to keep them informed-when the opposite was true. So you address the misunderstanding by explaining what you don't intend. Once you've done this, and safety returns to the conversation, then you can explain what you do intend. Safety first.

Contrasting is not apologizing. It's important to understand that Contrasting is not apologizing. It is not a way of taking back something we've said that hurt others' feelings. Rather, it is a way of ensuring what we said didn't hurt more than it should have.

Contrasting provides context and proportion. When we're in the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others hear what we're saying as bigger or worse than we intend.

For example, you talk with your assistant about his lack of punctuality. When you share your concern, he appears crushed. At this point you could be tempted to water down your content - "You know it's really not that big a deal." Don't do it.

Don't take back what you've said. Instead, put it in context. For instance, at this point your assistant may believe you are completely dissatisfied with his performance. He believes that your view of the issue at hand represents the totality of your respect for him. If this belief is incorrect, use Contrasting to clarify what you don't and do believe. Start with what you don't believe.

Use Contrasting for prevention or first aid. Contrasting is useful both as a prevention and as first aid for safety problems. So far our examples have been of the first-aid type. Someone has taken something wrong, and we've intervened to clarify our true purpose or meaning.

When we're aware that something we're about to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use Contrasting to bolster safety-even before we see others going to either silence or violence.

CRIB TO GET TO MUTUAL PURPOSE

Let's add one more skill. Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of a debate because we clearly have different purposes. There is no misunderstanding here. Contrasting won't do the trick. We need something sturdier for this job.

The worst at dialogue either ignore the problem and push ahead or roll over and let others have their way. They opt for either competition or submission. Both strategies end up making winners and losers, and the problem continues long beyond the initial conversation.

The good at dialogue move immediately toward compromise. For example, the couple facing the transfer sets up two households- one where one spouse will be working and one where the family currently lives. Nobody really wants this arrangement, and frankly, it's a pretty ugly solution that's bound to lead to more serious problems, even divorce. While compromise is sometimes necessary, the best know better than to start there.

The best at dialogue use four skills to look for a Mutual Purpose.

The four skills they use form the acronym CRIB.

Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose

As is true with most dialogue skills, if you want to get back to dialogue, you have to Start with Heart. In this case, you have to agree to agree. To be successful, we have to stop using silence or violence to compel others to our view. We must even surrender false dialogue, where we pretend to have Mutual Purpose (calmly arguing our side until the other person gives in). We Start with Heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we come up with a solution that serves a purpose we both share.

This can be tough. To stop arguing, we have to suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we'll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want. We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a different choice out there-one that suits everyone.

Recognize the Purpose behind the Strategy

Wanting to come up with a shared goal is a wonderful first step, but it's not enough. Once we've had a change of heart, we need to change our strategy. Here's the problem we have to fix: When we find ourselves at an impasse, it's because we're asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else. We think we'll never find a way out because we equate what we're asking for with what we want. In truth, what we're asking for is the strategy we're suggesting to get what we want. We confuse wants or purpose with strategies. That's the problem.

For example, I come home from work and say that I want to go to a movie. You say that you want to stay home and relax. And so we debate: movie, TV, movie, read, etc. We figure we'll never be able to resolve our differences because going out and staying home are incompatible.

In such circumstances we can break the impasse by asking others, "Why do you want that?" In this case,

"Why do you want to stay home?"

"Because I'm tired of running around and dealing with the hassle of the city."

"So you want peace and quiet?"

"Mostly. And why do you want to go to a movie?"

"So I can spend some time with you away from the kids."

Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must know what people's real purposes are. So step out of the content of the conversation-which is generally focused on strategies-and explore the purposes behind them.

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Sometimes when we recognize the purposes behind our strategies, we discover that we actually have compatible goals. From there you simply come up with common strategies. But we're not always so lucky. For example, you find out that your genuine wants and goals cannot be served except at the expense of the other person's. In this case you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose, so you must actively invent one.

To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides. For instance, you and your spouse may not agree on whether or not you should take the promotion, but you can agree that the needs of your relationship and the children come before career aspirations. By focusing on higher and longer-term goals, you can find a way to transcend short-term compromises, build Mutual Purpose, and get to dialogue.

Brainstorm New Strategies

Once you've built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should now have enough safety to return to the content of the conversation. It's time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm strategies that meet everyone's needs. If you've committed to finding something everyone can agree on, and surfaced what you really want, you'll no longer be spending your energy on unproductive conflict. Instead, you'll be actively coming up with options that can serve everyone.

Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alternatives. Can you find a way to work in a job that is local and still meets your career goals? Is this job with this company the only thing that will make you happy? Is a move really necessary in this new job? Is there another community that could offer your family the same benefits? If you're not willing to give creativity a try, it'll be impossible for you to jointly come up with a mutually acceptable option. If you are, the sky's the limit.

CH. 6: Master My Stories

How to Stay in Dialogue When You 're Angry

One thing's for certain. No matter who is doing the button pushing, some people tend to react more explosively than others and to the same stimulus, no less. Why is that? For instance, what enables some people to listen to withering feedback without flinching, whereas others pitch a fit when you tell them they've got a smear of salsa on their chin? Why is it that sometimes you yourself can take a verbal blow to the gut without batting an eye, but other times you go ballistic if someone so much as looks at you sideways?

EMOTIONS DON'T JUST HAPPEN

To answer these questions, we'll start with two rather bold (and sometimes unpopular) claims. Then, having tipped our hand, we'll explain the logic behind each claim.

Claim One. Emotions don't settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how comfortable it might make you feel saying it-others don't make you mad. You make you mad. You and only you create your emotions.

Claim Two. Once you've created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.

Here's how this all unfolds.

MARIA'S STORY

Consider Maria, a copywriter who is currently hostage to some pretty strong emotions. She and her colleague Louis just reviewed the latest draft of a proposal with their boss. During the meeting, they were supposed to be jointly presenting their latest ideas. But when Maria paused to take a breath, Louis took over the presentation, making almost all the points they had come up with together. When the boss turned to Maria for input, there was nothing left for her to say.

What's Making Maria Mad?

The worst at dialogue fall into the trap Maria has fallen into. Maria is completely unaware of a dangerous assumption she's making. She's upset at being overlooked and is keeping a professional silence. She's assuming that her emotions and behavior are the only right and reasonable reactions under the circumstances. She's convinced that anyone in her place would feel the same way.

Here's the problem. Maria is treating her emotions as if they are the only valid response. Since, in her mind, they are both justified and accurate, she makes no effort to change or even question them. In fact, in her view, Louis caused them. Ultimately, her actions (saying nothing and taking cheap shots) are being driven by these very emotions. Since she's not acting on her emotions, her emotions are acting on her-controlling her behavior and driving her deteriorating relationship with Louis. The worst at dialogue are hostages to their emotions, and they don't even know it.

The good at dialogue realize that if they don't control their emotions, matters will get worse. So they try something else. They fake it. They choke down reactions and then do their best to get back to dialogue. At least, they give it a shot. Unfortunately, once they hit a rough spot in a crucial conversation, their suppressed emotions come out of hiding. They show up as tightened jaws or sarcastic comments. Dialogue takes a hit. Or maybe their paralyzing fear causes them to avoid saying what they really think. Meaning is cut off at the source. In any case, their emotions sneak out of the cubbyhole they've been crammed into and find a way into the conversation. It's never pretty, and it always kills dialogue.

The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren't held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.

Stories Create Feelings

As it turns out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how we feel. That's why, when faced with the same circumstances, ten people may have ten different emotional responses. For instance, with a coworker like Louis, some might feel insulted whereas others merely feel curious. Some become angry and others feel concern or even sympathy.

What is this intermediate step? Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. That is, we add meaning to the action we observed. To the simple behavior we add motive. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment-is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion.

SEE / HEAR -> TELL A STORY -> FEEL -> ACT

Even if you don 't realize it, you are telling yourself stories.

When we teach people that it's our stories that drive our emotions and not other people's actions, someone inevitably raises a hand and says, "Wait a minute! I didn't notice myself telling a story. When that guy laughed at me during my presentation, I just felt angry. The feelings came first; the thoughts came second." Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast. When we believe we're at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don't even know we're doing it. If you don't believe this is true, ask yourself whether you always become angry when someone laughs at you. If sometimes you do and sometimes you don't, then your response isn't hardwired. That means something goes on between others laughing and you feeling. In truth, you tell a story. You may not remember it, but you tell a story.

Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. Stories are just that, stories. These fabrications could be told in any of thousands of different ways.

If we take control of our stories, they won 't control us. People who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations. They recognize that while it's true that at first we are in control of the stories we tell-after all, we do make them up of our own accord-once they're told, the stories control us. They control how we feel and how we act. And as a result, they control the results we get from our crucial conversations. But it doesn't have to be this way. We can tell different stories and break the loop. In fact, until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop.

If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself-even while you're in the middle of the fray.

SKILLS FOR MASTERING OUR STORIES

Retrace Your Path

To slow down the lightning-quick storytelling process and the subsequent flow of adrenaline, retrace your Path to Action-one element at a time. This calls for a bit of mental gymnastics. First you have to stop what you're currently doing. Then you have to get in touch with why you're doing it. Here's how to retrace your path:

• [Act] Notice your behavior. Ask:

Am I in some form of silence or violence?

• [Feel] Get in touch with your feelings.

What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?

• [Tell story] Analyze your stories.

What story is creating these emotions?

Question your feelings and stories.

Don't confuse stories with facts.

• [See/hear] Get back to the facts.

What evidence do I have to support this story?

Spot the story by watching for "hot" words.

Watch for Three "Clever" Stories

Victim Stories - "It's Not My Fault"

Villain Stories - "It's All Your Fault"

Watch for the double standard. When you pay attention to Victim and Villain Stories and catch them for what they are unfair characterizations-you begin to see the terrible double standard we use when our emotions are out of control. When we make mistakes, we tell a Victim Story by claiming our intentions were innocent and pure. On the other hand, when others do things that hurt us, we tell Villain Stories in which we invent terrible motives for others based on how their actions affected us.

Helpless Stories- "There's Nothing Else I Can Do"

Why We Tell Clever Stories

They match reality. Sometimes the stories we tell are accurate. The other person is trying to cause us harm, we are innocent victims, or maybe we really can't do much about the problem. It can happen. It's not common, but it can happen.

They get us off the hook.

Clever stories keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts.

Tell the Rest of the Story

Turn victims into actors. If you notice that you're talking about yourself as an innocent victim (and you weren't held up at gunpoint), ask:

• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

Turn villains into humans. When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask:

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

Turn the helpless into the able. Finally, when you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask:

• What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?

Then, kill the Sucker's Choice that's made you feel helpless to choose anything other than silence or violence. Do this by asking:

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

MARIA'S NEW STORY

To see how this all fits together, let's circle back to Maria. Let's assume she's retraced her Path to Action and separated the facts from the stories. Doing this has helped her realize that the story she told was incomplete, defensive, and hurtful. When she watched for the Three Clever Stories, she saw them with painful clarity. Now she's ready to tell the rest of the story. So she asks herself:

• Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

"When I found out that Louis was holding project meetings without me, I felt like I should ask him about why I wasn't included. I believed that if I did, I could open a dialogue that would help us work better together. But then I didn't, and as my resentment grew, I was even less interested in broaching the subject."

• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what Louis is doing?

"He really cares about producing good-quality work. Maybe he doesn't realize that I'm as committed to the success of the project as he is."

• What do I really want?

"I want a respectful relationship with Louis. And [ want recognition for the work I do."

• What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

"I'd make an appointment to sit down with Louis and talk about how we work together."

CH. 7: STATE My Path

How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

SHARING RISKY MEANING

Adding information to the pool of meaning can be quite difficult when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective consciousness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.

When it comes to sharing touchy information, the worst alternate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool and saying nothing at all. Either they start with: "You're not going to like this, but, hey, somebody has to be honest..." (a classic Sucker's Choice), or they simply stay mum.

Fearful they could easily destroy a healthy relationship, those who are good at dialogue say some of what's on their minds but understate their views out of fear of hurting others. They talk, but they sugarcoat their message.

The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well. They are both totally frank and completely respectful.

MAINTAIN SAFETY

In order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety. That's a bit like telling someone to smash another person in the nose, but, you know, don't hurt him. How can we speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? Actually, it can be done if you know how to carefully blend three ingredients-confidence, humility, and skill.

Confidence. Most people simply won't hold delicate conversations- well, at least not with the right person.

People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning. They are also confident that they can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing undue offense.

Humility. Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness. Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They are humble enough to realize that they don't have a monopoly on the truth. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new information they may change their minds. This means they're willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same.

Skill. Finally, people who willingly share delicate information are good at doing it. That's why they're confident in the first place. They don't make a Sucker's Choice because they've found a path that allows for both candor and safety. They speak the unspeakable, and people are grateful for their honesty.

STATE MY PATH

Once you've worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:

• Share your facts

• Tell your story

• Ask for others' paths

• Talk tentatively

• Encourage testing

The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how to do it.

The "What" Skills

Share Your Facts

Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning. By their very nature, facts aren't controversial. That's why we call them facts. For example, consider the statement: "Yesterday you arrived at work twenty minutes late." No dispute there. Conclusions, on the other hand, are highly controversial. For example: "You can't be trusted." That's hardly a fact. Actually, it's more like an insult, and it can certainly be disputed. Eventually we may want to share our conclusions, but we certainly don't want to open up with a controversy.

Facts are the most persuasive. In addition to being less controversial, facts are also more persuasive than subjective conclusions. Facts form the foundation of belief. So if you want to persuade others, don't start with your stories. Start with your observations.

Facts are the least insulting. If you do want to share your story, don't start with it. Your story (particularly if it has led to a rather ugly conclusion) could easily surprise and insult others. It could kill safety in one rash, ill-conceived sentence.

Begin your path with facts. In order to talk about your stories, you need to lead the others involved down your Path to Action. Let them experience your path from the beginning to the end, and not from the end to-well, to wherever it takes you. Let others see your experience from your point of view-starting with your facts. This way, when you do talk about what you're starting to conclude, they'll understand why. First the facts, then the story-and then make sure that as you explain your story, you tell it as a possible story, not as concrete fact.

Tell Your Story

Sharing your story can be tricky. Even if you've started with your facts, the other person can still become defensive when you move from facts to stories. After all, you're sharing potentially unflattering conclusions and judgments. Why share your story in the first place? Because the facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. It's the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion. In addition, if you simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand the severity of the implications.

It takes confidence. To be honest, it can be difficult to share negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., "I'm wondering if you're a thief").

Don't pile it on. Sometimes we lack the confidence to speak up, so we let problems simmer for a long time. Given the chance, we generate a whole arsenal of unflattering conclusions.

Look for safety problems. As you share your story, watch for signs that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defensive or appear to be insulted, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by Contrasting.

Ask for Others' Paths

We mentioned that the key to sharing sensitive ideas is a blend of confidence and humility. We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly. We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views.

The "How" Skills

Talk Tentatively

Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a fact. When sharing a story, strike a blend between confidence and humility. Share in a way that expresses appropriate confidence in your conclusions while demonstrating that, if appropriate, you want your conclusions challenged. To do so, change "The fact is" to "In my opinion." Swap "Everyone knows that" for "I've talked to three of our suppliers who think that." Soften "It's clear to me" to "I'm beginning to wonder if."

Encourage Testing

Invite opposing views.

Mean it. Sometimes people offer an invitation that sounds more like a threat than a legitimate call for opinions. Invite people with both words and tone that say "I really want to hear from you."

Play devil's advocate. Occasionally you can tell that others are not buying into your facts or story, but they're not speaking up either. You've sincerely invited them, even encouraged differing views, but nobody says anything. To help grease the skids, play devil's advocate. Model disagreeing by disagreeing with your own view. "Maybe I'm wrong here. What if the opposite is true? What if the reason sales have dropped is because..."

CH. 8: Explore Others' Paths

How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up

EXPLORE OTHERS' PATHS

Start with Heart-Get Ready to listen

Be sincere. To get at others' facts and stories, we have to invite them to share what's on their minds.

Be curious. When you do want to hear from others (and you should because it adds to the pool of meaning), the best way to get at the truth is by making it safe for them to express the stories that are moving them to either silence or violence.

Stay curious. When people begin to share their volatile stories and feelings, we now face the risk of pulling out our own Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories to help us explain why they're saying what they're saying. Unfortunately, since it's rarely fun to hear other people's unflattering stories, we begin to assign negative motives to them for telling the stories. To avoid overreacting to others' stories, stay curious. Give your brain a problem to stay focused on.

Be patient. When others are acting out their feelings and opinions through silence or violence, it's a good bet they're starting to feel the effects of adrenaline. Even if we do our best to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to take a little while for him or her to settle down.

Encourage Others to Retrace Their Path

Every sentence has a history. Crucial conversations can be equally mysterious and frustrating. When others are in either silence or violence, we're actually joining their Path to Action already in progress. Consequently, we've already missed the foundation of the story and we're confused. If we're not careful, we can become defensive. After all, not only are we joining late, but we're also joining at a time when the other person is starting to act offensively.

Break the cycle. And then guess what happens? When we're on the receiving end of someone's retributions, accusations, and cheap shots, rarely do we think: "My, what an interesting story he or she must have told. What do you suppose led to that?" Instead, we match this unhealthy behavior. Our defense mechanisms kick in, and we create our own hasty and ugly Path to Action.

AMPP

To encourage others to share their paths we'll use four power listening tools that can help make it safe for other people to speak frankly. We call the four skills power listening tools because they are best remembered with the acronym AMPP-Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime. Luckily, the tools work for both silence and violence games.

Ask to Get Things Rolling

The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their Path to Action is simply to invite them to express themselves.

Mirror to Confirm Feelings

If asking others to share their path doesn't open things up, mirroring can help build more safety. In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it safe for him or her to discuss it. All we have so far are actions and some hints about the other person's emotions, so we start there.

Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story

Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person's story out into the open. When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you've heard. Be careful not to simply parrot back what was said. Instead, put the message in your own words-usually in an abbreviated form. "Let's see if I've got this right. You're upset because I've voiced my concern about some of the clothes you wear. And this seems controlling or old-fashioned to you." But: Don't push too hard.

Prime When You're Getting Nowhere

On the other hand, there are times when you may conclude that others would like to open up but still don't feel safe. Or maybe they're still in violence, haven't come down from the adrenaline, and aren't explaining why they're angry. When this is the case, you might want to try priming. Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.

The power-listening term priming comes from the expression "priming the pump." If you've ever worked an old-fashioned hand pump, you understand the metaphor. With a pump, you often have to pour some water into it to get it running. Then it works just fine. When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling. You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will do the same.

REMEMBER YOUR ABCs

Agree

As you watch families and work groups take part in heated debates, it's common to notice a rather intriguing phenomenon. Although the various parties you're observing are violently arguing, in truth, they're in violent agreement. They actually agree on every important point, but they're still fighting. They've found a way to turn subtle differences into a raging debate.

Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 1 0 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over. And while it's true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn't start there. Start with an area of agreement.

So here's the take-away. If you completely agree with the other person's path, say so and move on. Agree when you agree. Don't turn an agreement into an argument.

Build

Of course, the reason most of us turn agreements into debates is because we disagree with a certain portion of what the other person has said. Never mind that it's a minor portion. If it's a point of disagreement, we'll jump all over it like a fleeing criminal.

Now when the other person has merely left out an element of the argument, skilled people will agree and then build. Rather than saying: "Wrong. You forgot to mention..." they say: "Absolutely. In addition, I noticed that..."

If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out areas of agreement and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.

Compare

Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person's. That is, rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ. He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don't know for sure until you hear both sides of the story. For now, you just know that the two of you differ. So instead of pronouncing "Wrong!" start with a tentative but candid opening such as "I think I see things differently. Let me describe how."

CH. 9: Move to Action

How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results

DIALOGUE IS NOT DECISION MAKING

The two riskiest times in crucial conversations tend to be at the beginning and at the end. The beginning is risky because you have to find a way to create safety or else things go awry. The end is dicey because if you aren't careful about how you clarify the conclusion and decisions flowing from your Pool of Shared Meaning, you can run into violated expectations later on. This can happen in two ways.

DECIDE HOW TO DECIDE

Both of these problems are solved if, before making a decision, the people involved decide how to decide. Don't allow people to assume that dialogue is decision making. Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool. That process, of course, involves everyone. However, simply because everyone is allowed to share their meaning-actually encouraged to share their meaning-doesn't mean they are then guaranteed to take part in making all the decisions. To avoid violated expectations, separate dialogue from decision making. Make it clear how decisions will be made-who will be involved and why.

When the line of authority is clear. When you're in a position of authority, you decide which method of decision making you'll use. Managers and parents, for example, decide how to decide. It's part of their responsibility as leaders.

When the line of authority isn't clear. When there is no clear line of authority, deciding how to decide can be quite difficult.

The Four Methods of Decision Making

Command

Let's start with decisions that are made with no involvement whatsoever. This happens in one of two ways. Either outside forces place demands on us (demands that leave us no wiggle room), or we tum decisions over to others and then follow their lead. We don't care enough to be involved-let someone else do the work.

Consult

Consulting is a process whereby decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. You can consult with experts, a representative population, or even everyone who wants to offer an opinion. Consulting can be an efficient way of gaining ideas and support without bogging down the decision making process. At least not too much. Wise leaders, parents, and even couples frequently make decisions in this way. They gather ideas, evaluate options, make a choice, and then inform the broader population.

Vote

Voting is best suited to situations where efficiency is the highest value-and you're selecting from a number of good options. Members of the team realize they may not get their first choice, but frankly they don't want to waste time talking the issue to death. They may discuss options for a while and then call for a vote. When facing several decent options, voting is a great time saver but should never be used when team members don't agree to support whatever decision is made. In these cases, consensus is required.

Consensus

This method can be both a great blessing and a frustrating curse. Consensus means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high quality decisions. If misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. It should only be used with (1) high-stakes and complex issues or (2) issues where everyone absolutely must support the final choice.

HOW TO CHOOSE

Four Important Questions

When choosing among the four methods of decision making, consider the following questions.

1. Who cares?

Determine who genuinely wants to be involved in the decision along with those who will be affected. These are your candidates for involvement. Don't involve people who don't care.

2. Who knows?

Identify who has the expertise you need to make the best decision. Encourage these people to take part. Try not to involve people who contribute no new information.

3. Who must agree?

Think of those whose cooperation you might need in the form of authority or influence in any decisions you might make. It's better to involve these people than to surprise them and then suffer their open resistance.

4. How many people is it worth involving?

Your goal should be to involve the fewest number of people while still considering the quality of the decision along with the support that people will give it. Ask: "Do we have enough people to make a good choice? Will others have to be involved to gain their commitment?"

DECISION-MAKING BLUNDERS AND SOLUTIONS

Appropriate Use of Command

So as you face a potential "command decision," consider the following:

• Don't pass out orders like candy

• When you face a command decision, ask which elements are flexible.

• Explain why.

The Dos and Don'ts of Consultation

• Don't pretend to consult.

• Announce what you're doing.

• Report your decision.

Holding a Good Vote

• Weigh the consequences

• Know when to vote.

• Don 't cop out with a vote.

Surviving the Joys of Consensus

• Don't force consensus onto everything.

• Don't pretend that everyone gets his or her first choice.

• No martyrs please. Healthy teams and families are good at coming to consensus because they're good at dialogue. They don't toggle from silence to violence or otherwise play games in order to get their way.

• Don't take turns

Decisions should be based on merit, not on who offers up the options. Don't take turns getting your way.

• Don't engage in post decision lobbying.

• Don't say "I told you so."

MAKING ASSIGNMENTS - PUTTING DECISIONS INTO ACTION

As you might suspect, when you're involved with two or more people, there's a chance that there will be some confusion. To avoid common traps, make sure you consider the following four elements:

• Who?

• Does what?

• By when?

• How will you follow up?

DOCUMENT YOUR WORK

Write down the details of conclusions, decisions, and assignments. Remember to record who does what by when. Revisit your notes at key times (usually the next meeting) and review assignments.

CH. 10: Putting It All Together [Tools for Preparing and Learning. This chapter has a quick revision of all the concepts.]

CH. 11: Yeah, But Advice for Tough Cases [Some examples and practical notes.]

CH. 12: Change Your Life

How to Turn Ideas into Habits?

TRANSFER TIPS

Given the challenges of altering routine scripts, can people actually change? Early in our research, we (the authors) once examined forty-eight front-line supervisors who were learning how to hold crucial conversations. As we watched the trainees back at work, it became clear to us that only a few of them transferred what they had learned in the classroom back to their work site. The bad news is that most of them didn't change an iota. The good news is that some of them did. In fact, they used the new skills precisely as instructed. The supervisors who found a way to apply the new skills taught us the following four principles for turning ideas into action:

• First, master the content.

That means not only do you have to be able to recognize what works and why, but you have to generate new scripts of your own.

• Second, master the skills.

You must be able to enact these new scripts in a way that is consistent with the supporting principles. As it turns out, simply understanding a concept isn't enough. While it's helpful, even necessary to talk the talk, you have to be able to walk the talk. You have to be able to say the right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions. When it comes to social skills, knowing and doing are two different animals.

• Third, enhance your motive.

You must want to change. This means that you have to care enough about improving your crucial conversation skills to actually do something. You have to move from a passive sense that it would be a good idea to change, to an active desire to seek opportunities. Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped.

• Fourth, watch for cues.

To overcome surprise, emotion, and scripts, you must recognize the call to action. This is usually people's biggest obstacle to change. Old stimuli generate old responses. If a problem doesn't cue your new skills, you'll return to your old habits without even realizing you missed a chance to try something new.