2011-Jun-17

Index of Journals

June 17, 2011
The day was fine. I left for college around 1050 and got Neha’s message expecting me at college. I told her that I will be there in twenty minutes but I was actually one hour late. I had to ask for lift to a bike rider as we walk down the slope near red light. The man luckily dropped me at the college gates. I submitted the form and learned from Nikunj that Neha was with Vibha near canteen. I saw going past canteen, I rushed from behind the canteen to hop in their way. They were surprised. Vibha has learned to make a new face expression especially for me, it is like ‘what are you’ in real sarcastic way. Neha was worried about internship because she has two backs to clear and she missed both of the exams this time. In that she and I share the same worries so I discussed with her about the internship. She said she wants a government job because it has a lot of benefits. Vibha’s behavior was immature and I didn’t know why she was there. I had to see books on Linux but I couldn’t because I had already made it late to get to them so Neha didn’t let me, and then I wanted to talk to her.
I came back home around 1330 and watched ‘No one killed Jessica’ until five or something. That was pretty crazy. I also had to write about the trip and I got free only by 1830. I opened up math book once again and continued to work. I got message of Vibha around 2100 that I should avoid her. I kept deleting every message of her right after reading and was also avoiding her along the way but she didn’t understand this. She sent about three of her messages to get a reply for them. I talked to Sonam parallel to get my mind off of Vibha, talking to Sonam was really pleasant experience. Vibha was going to break up with me I knew of this, I had it in my mind that this bitch was just taking her time out to get away with me and it has finally happened; breaking up with anyone is not easy. Though I never felt for her so strongly but still losing a friend with instantaneous break would have been tough for me as well, she made it easy, huh. We talked of internship. I talked to anyone in Hindi after a long time, I realized that English was supposed to be my plus point and not my weakness, but since sticking to English would have cost me high so I used Hindi while talking to Sonam.
Sonal was here to meet Srishti and Mreeganka. Chachi was screaming from the balcony to compliment her new hair cut, it is boy cut, I heard. I didn’t give a fuck. 
Early in the morning Anu handed me R100 note, I kept it in my pocket without a word. She asked me if I was going to thank her. I thought it was given to her by amma to pass on to me but no; she was presenting me from her salary. She had shown me a check of around 1800, I guess, last night. It was her salary.
I texted a non vegan joke to Puja (Ankur’s girlfriend) and it cost me R1.5, I didn’t have an idea that she lived out of Delhi, huh.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-16

Index of Journals

June 16, 2011
We returned from Tijara today. I wasn’t feeling against it unlike Srishti and others who wanted to stay until evening. Babaji made the decision to move and we others had to. I woke up a little late; I hadn’t slept nicely the previous night because of the fear of the big and ugly spider that was hanging from the wall near my pillow. It was really sick to sleep with a fucking spider over your head whole time. Ankur had tried to wake me and I just rudely told him not to disturb me and to mind his own business. I didn’t feel about it until now but now that I am recollecting it is hurting me. 
Those people who manage the temple idols during the morning ceremony (or prakshal) act very rude to people, no matter who he is. When I went for prakshal at the main idol the man asked if the cloth I was wearing was of this place. What kind of question was that? On the other idol (on the left one), I was walking before babaji and Prashant accidentally. I had been taunted just a second before for not paying enough attention while walking through the people in the way by the priest. He used the same ugly tone for babaji and Prashant had him after this for a second. The priest didn’t stand there any longer until we had gone to the next idol. The priest actually needed it.
After puja we had breakfast. Babaji had been very polite with the old man who sold him milk. Today he had lifted his shop early and when babaji mistakenly sat on the milk shop next to his actual shop inside, babaji had to apologize for this happening. The face of that old man was very sad, because two milk shops can’t run together in one place side by side. The other shop, on which we sat, had advantage of being second from the end.
We went to our rooms and laid there to rest until we are signaled to go by any of the adults. I finished reading ‘Accidental billionaires’ by Mezrich Ben. It still felt good to read through the lives of Facebook makers. I was reading and reading and reading. People continued to do their own things, amma, Srishti, Shruti brought pakode to the room and we had banana chips already, this made up for the breakfast. While everyone was preparing to go, I was still reading the book. I got up around 0945 and pulled up pants. I had my things in my bag and now I just had to take it on my shoulder. I went to the other room and badi buaji shouted (in her usual tone), “Take one bag from one of these six and don’t make me remind you of this until we reach Delhi”. I took the black bag full of clothes, as it didn’t have anything that anyone might feel concerned about. The blue-green bag had shopped items in it. Prashant and I took the bed foams to the reception, Ankur was already there checking us out. Then we made a second round to help Shruti and badi buaji bring the bags down. After we collected in the reception, other six left for last prayer, arti with Shruti and me taking care of the things. Shruti left after a second and then I also went inside. It was Srishti who saw me first and soon all of them had given me a look one by one ignorantly. I got with babaji and stayed calm. I found the situation a little funny actually. I was smiling though no one else was. I had to do a lot of work in keeping this smile hidden.
Badi buaji was not very happy but she didn’t say anything. After arti we collected in the reception and were waiting for babaji who had gone to toilet, and amma was the escort. We were soon sitting in the car and were still waiting for it to get loaded with two more people. That sounded crazy to us. We didn’t have to wait to get to the bus, the bus came in our way and we just switched from car to bus. There was no seat available but there was going to be seat soon. I stood at the end and there was a woman who had a child with her. She was ugly as a hag in some fairy tale but still I had to give her a look when she was breastfeeding her child. I tried real hard to not think of woman while travelling and I was promising myself that I will not be a loser from now on. The hag fell asleep in the bus and left her stop behind before awakening again. There was a guy who was travelling with us in the crowded bus and he stood before Shruti and Srishti. Amma and badi buaji helped Srishti and Shruti get a seat early but I had to wait. That guy didn’t but that other man did, because he was closer. I too got a seat soon, first at the back and then with Srishti and Shruti after a little wait. That guy sat on my left on a seat ahead in the other row and Srishti and Shruti sat on my right in the respective order. Srishti started about Baba Ramdev being a negative personality, she continued saying it and just didn’t stop her though I was against. I wanted to know how much she knew. Shruti had turned her face at the beginning of the conversation and she was just now avoiding more and more. She had started to look uncomfortable even. Srishti soon stopped after she was left nothing else to say about Ramdev. That was the last conversation I had with her. She has been pretty easy with me since the day I returned, not bad. I took out DS book when bus started to move after short break. Ankur had brought biscuits then. There came a woman beggar (after a male) to ask for money, Prashant, Ankur and Shruti were finding it funny to joke with her by offering her biscuits. It is Prashant basically who is immature, Shruti was just giving way to his stupidity. I couldn’t resist and said ‘all of you are idiots’ Shruti couldn’t reason it and was for the first time acting bend down. Otherwise she has always been treating me like dirt. We fell asleep soon after and were awake only when we had reached closer to Delhi border. It was the last stop, Sarai Kale Khan soon and we got down. In those few minutes of wait Srishti never shut up. She kept whining for auto ride to home. I stood without a word from my mouth. Chachi found her way out to reach us after travelling long way around the bus stop. There was no direct road here so it was long. We packed into the car like how we had on the day of departure, nine people in one car. We got home and while Ankur and Prashant bathed I didn’t. I just washed my face and poured deodorant talc. Adults were talking about the DU cut-offs and where Shruti might get admission from the colleges listed in the newspaper. I checked my phone and there were five SMS’s. I was taken aback, of those two were from Vibha and two from non-vegan jokes website. Vibha wanted me contact Ankit sir because I hadn’t submitted a form to him due to which I wasn’t listed for summer training. I called Ankit sir and learned that we had to submit a form to him to let him know our choice of subject for summer training. I will have to go college tomorrow before two.
I put my things back into place and open the laptop to write down for two days. Before leaving, badi buaji told to go to temple but I had to go to temple and Shruti responded on this that she had already told her that I won’t. I slept until seven and responded to Vibha’s message only then. She had texted around six. I didn’t want to talk actually; she can't act bossy all the time. 
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-15

Index of Journals

June 15, 2011
Our second day here at Tijara, we did prakshal and puja in the morning. I woke up on time. It was nice to sleep in cooler. We had breakfast at the sweet maker’s shop. I had pakode. We came to our rooms after this and were snoozing to blow away the tiredness. Last night I had been in the room and Ankur was able to call me while I wasn’t. Ankur had to call me to the milk man for milk. I tried Vibha’s number and that struck. Ankur has been a little upset with me since I have been treating him like a child always. I would imitate fufaji, ‘PEHELWAAN JI, PADAI HOGAI PURI’ to tease him. We had been to a temple outside the main temple complex. It was made at a distance through inside streets of this place. It looked like another ordinary temple to me. 
There is a woman here who appear to me exactly like Gareema ma’am in terms of face features. Just that this woman is a little short and thinner than the hooker bitch Gareema. I didn’t want to catch her eye but I unfortunately did and we saw each other a thousand number of times after this during our stay here. I think I saw for the first time yesterday evening. Then we would see each other all the time in the common eating place. She was married and had a stupid looking husband but I didn’t bother to take any unnecessary advantage of anything, I wanted to stay out of light, forget about limelight. It happened otherwise; she felt unsafe and would occasionally look for me. That was sick. I think she has the exact face of Gareema ma’am. She, too, is hot. It was good to have Srishti and Shruti around because it would reflect my general attitude towards women. Presence of Srishti next to me would make me feel a little better; otherwise today the woman family had started to take the notice of me. It was now that I also got know her family, just the husband and mother-in-law. Srishti helped him take his eye off of me soon and helped me not to present a negative image at first sight.
In the afternoon babaji told me a story, it was just babaji, amma, and me in the room. It was an excerpt from Ramayana from the time Sita was pregnant and was sent to the woods. The moral of the story was that I can’t remember. It felt good to hear a story from babaji with amma correcting him from time to time. We had to go to the temple but there was paath going on there on the loud speaker. It was specially arranged by someone from Kanpur; it was the same person who had arranged the food for free everybody. We didn’t have to pay for food anytime, henceforth. They just postponed the plans of badi buaji, Srishti and Shruti to read chalisa forty times. Amma too wanted to spend time at the temple. The paath ran for three hours from two to five. 
In the evening, after saying arti at the main temple we went to the big idol made in the centre of a park and beautiful greenery. It was about 25 feet high and equal wide from knee to knee in sitting pose. The place is very beautiful. After going through the all the twenty four idols, Ankur, Prashant and I sat in the lawns. Shruti and Srishti were roaming around the place. There came a cop dressed like a civilian. He talked to Ankur about him being fat. It was a very normal talk. I felt bothered by it, I felt as if that cop was informed of us and he was just checking us there. After few minutes call came from Shruti and Srishti. 
When we returned to the main temple complex, Shruti and Srishti were showing interest in the babies, the toddlers who had come to the place. I was not interested in any but tried to show interest to spend a little time with them. We even talked to the mother of one on the temple’s periphery. 
I am very annoyed by that spider hanging from the wall near my pillow. I wondered myself hitting my hand on it in sleep and getting bitten. I hate insects and want to move it but I am not since it is a matter of just one night. I continued reading ‘Accidental Billionaires’ after a long time before going to sleep. It felt good; I am still in love with all of its characters. The spider was gone in the morning after staying there for more than a day.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-14

Index of Journals

June 14, 2011
I had night fall in the morning. God that sucks! I was awake around 0500 and others had already woken up. There was rush in the house. Badi buaji was making noise to wake Ankur up who had got down only after 0130 last night after talking to Prashant. I was awake and studying math, I was studying because there was nothing I could have done with Prashant and Ankur talking, and I can’t hear Prashant talk, he is still stupid no matter what. I had given his 19000 rank pretty much thought and I couldn’t find it impressive enough to make me feel unwell mentally. He is like one in every fifteen where I was one-in-every-ten. So what if on finding three like me you would have already found two like him. I was cleaning my notes for my last JEE preparation from the behind amma’s bed and I read out the study plan I had formulated for being one in fifty or one in hundred. It still sounded impressive and I was ready to give it a try. I am back again on the same track.
I somehow learned that my knickers were wet. I rushed to the room and there it was the wet patch on the bed sheet. Holy shit, I was taken aback for a second and but then we were leaving the place anyway. It was really feeling bad inside. I left the bed wet with my pull-over lying around it for not making it catch everybody’s attention.
I didn’t bath, nor did many others unlike how it was planned last night. There was no time left. Babaji was already ready to go and now it was us left behind. I didn’t bath and asked to pull over the same shorts which I wear most of the time at home. Babaji didn’t approve of it. I changed to jeans and we were ready to go. Badi buaji was making fuss about that small bag I was carrying with me, before leaving the house she put that Mazaa bottle filled with water in my bag. That was crazy. I couldn’t have said anything. 
We all jammed into SX4 and chachi drove us to the bus stop. I was quiet most of the time, I had to be quiet. Shruti has been unnecessarily rude to me like she owes me something. I sat on the window seat with Srishti on my left and Shruti on her left. The bus ride was easy, as we got the seats early and near the front. I had spent too much time loading my phone with songs but I never pulled out my ear phones. I read DS book instead. I was watching the women who were passing by, through the window on either side and in the bus, which was crazy. I am very different from the usual; I caught the eye of bus driver from the mirrors that were arranged above his head. I don’t know what I was looking for but it wasn’t probably a woman thing then. I sent a negative impression by my weird way of living. Women would always catch my eye first, and then the people in her vicinity. We had once gone to down to drink sugarcane juice and otherwise the ride was smooth. Last part was the auto ride when there was music and Ankur whistled through the way with the loud music in our ears. It wasn’t loud in terms of genre.

We got rooms with coolers. We settled fast. Babaji wanted the room downstairs but there were no cooler there. The first day wasn’t very far from the usual. Badi buaji would always be in her loud voice so there is nothing to write any new about her. Ankur, Prashant, babaji and I slept in one room and the ladies in the other. We got rooms side by side so it was easy to communicate. 
I listened to music before going to bed to prevent myself from the stupid talks of Ankur and Prashant. I wasn’t actually in the mood to listen to music but it was just out of utter formality to give my ear phones a chance since I had brought them here. Plus, I was thinking about my inclination for women, awful inclination.
God bless me
Ashish

/* NEPALI MATHERC**D AGAR TERI VAJAH SE PRASHANT OR MERE BEECH LADAI HUI TOH APNI MAA KO MUJHSE CH**NE SE BACHA LIYO */ A text message sent to Appu last year. I deleted lately, it is a master piece in its own.

2011-Jun-13

Index of Journals

June 13, 2011
It was fine. I got tired after doing math whole day yesterday. I was sleeping in the afternoon and I know that was out of time table but I couldn’t resist. I need to fit myself in real life situations. I need to be realistic in plans to achieve success without frequent failures. 
I loaded my phone with songs because we are going to Tijara for three days and I don’t know how it is going to be with me and family there. I will also carry my book, DS. I haven’t studied much today and I need to get back to math right away. We will leave at around five in the morning. I will right entries on phone there. 
Vibha texted in the evening to ask me 'where I was going', and also wished me happy journey. I am glad she is back.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-12

Index of Journals

June 12, 2011
The day was normal as it can be, I was studying math whole day to the limit that I was tired and bored by it. I was thinking of what others might be doing, I don’t want to miss anything. Sonam is never answering like a friend rather like she is doing me a big favor by answering me. She would sound like a robot who can’t tell anything without a proper input first. She has nothing to tell me, nor would she answer if I ask her something like Srishti Jain’s number. I needed to contact her to ask if she could arrange the notes of the teacher from the junior batch. Sonam didn’t help rather she flipped on the thing that I asked her if she knew anyone from the junior batch. I asked Vibha ‘how was she’ around the same time and asked her what she was doing. She said she was reading a novel. I told Sonam this to communicate and otherwise I had no interest in knowing what Vibha was doing. She had sent “F9.” After about 30 minutes and to the next question she had again sent one word answer ‘novel’. Sonam would watch TV and rest whole day. After another word she had written she was going for dinner so would talk to me later. She makes terrible mistakes in English, especially in question when she place subject before the verb.
Vibha is a real loser; it was just a week ago that she had broken up with me and today she fucking sounds back again.
I cleaned my closet in bed in amma’s room to make space for engineering books that I wouldn’t use. I had to throw away the notebooks and notes in which I had made while preparing for the JEE the second time. It didn’t feel bad as it should have been.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-11

Index of Journals

June 11, 2011
When I was at badi buaji’s place my phone started to malfunction. I think it’s because I had dropped it a few times, and then I also had to keep it in the bag which itself was never kept in particular place. The ‘walkman’ shortcut key had stopped working months back, now it is the music-keys-lock that stopped working with permanent lock on the flap buttons. I noticed that even camera was producing bad quality colors and decreased picture quality. 
Badi buaji isn’t as good as she would about being religious. She had washed my t-shirts and she let my white t-shirt remain under surf-water with other clothes of mine. The color of the t-shirt wasn’t white anymore, it is yellow now. The yellow check shirt owed it’s generosity on the t-shirt. It was badi buaji’s carelessness that I have lost my one good t-shirt which I have been wearing since many years now. She made it sure that I don’t revile about it; she hung one of Ankur’s white t-shirt (non-collared) to dry with the clothes of mine. She could now point to the white t-shirt of Ankur to say that fault was in my cloth that it absorbed color otherwise Ankur’s t-shirt is still white, guess what she hadn’t even washed it along with my clothes.
Not just this, yesterday I was looking for the packet of hangers which I had brought with myself here. She mixed those hangers with the hangers of self and then handed the distorted pieces to me. That was wrong; I didn’t have that many distorted pieces. I couldn’t have made that an issue. I didn’t want to be in any issue with anyone, like I already had less. 
Another thing, there was a shortage of electricity plugs in buaji’s house.
During OS exam Parul had helped me with RTOS question worth 2.5 marks, I couldn’t believe I was missing Real Time Operating Systems question. I was feeling thankful for her. 
Amogh types for Oxford publication to earn some money in these summers. That was great, inspiring actually. 
My entry over here is done, I came to grandpa’s room to wash my face after afternoon nap and when he commented on that, I showed him hand to stop and left. I was talking to Anu and she doesn’t feel good about Prashant getting anything better than what he looks like. He must have got 19000 in AIEEE because he deserved it; I don’t know why I or anyone else would have a problem with that even when there is no competition between us.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-10

Index of Journals

June 10, 2011
I moved from badi buaji’s house back to Mayur Vihar. I was not told about this day but it happened. In the morning buaji ask me to take me to the temple and right after coming back she disclosed the news to me. I was not happy or sad; I was doing my work (scanning question papers) and making plans to start with Math. This CS1E group was giving me a lot of tension and I had been a real trouble for these people as well. I don’t have to be sad being deleted because they weren’t making big deals inside the group just that the deals they were making I was getting to know those at least. 
I got ready around 1130 and when Ankur saw me packing up bags he informed buaji about it. Buaji called me and asked if I wanted anything. I asked her for calculator. She sent Kapil bhaiya and me to get it from a shopkeeper Kapil bhaiya knew about. In hurry the sick shopkeeper packed the low priced model in the box of high priced model (the one I had chosen) and handed it to us. That was sick. When I learnt about it at home, I told buaji and she would now get it replaced later. 
I hadn’t got any message since morning from anyone, I wanted to talk to Sonam or may be receive a text from Vibha but that didn’t happen. I got message from Vibha in the morning but then she broke off on an abrupt note like she owned me, what the hell was that? I couldn’t have said anything. I am paying back for my mistake; I still don’t think that was really a big issue.
I brought the books of fufaji which I had liked and I am happy to have them. I slept in the late afternoon when Manju buaji and badi buaji left. I went to get a haircut and shave and while returning I met with Harshit and soon Hardik came to jump in my way. We strolled and then sat for a while until it was time for Hardik to go. It was fun, I loved being with them. I counted my balance and it came out to be 6900R plus 95R change. That set my mood up, I am happy for the first time since fifth of June. I talked to Rekha buaji and she told me that she would be coming to India in winters this year. She told me about Sameer who was did Introduction to Computers (ITC) and was now doing Introduction to Programming (ITP) and Object Oriented Programming (OOPS) as summer activity.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-9

Index of Journals

June 9, 2011
I came back home around 1330. I wasn’t prepared very well for the exam, I had to wake up early around 0445 but it went on to become 0700. I wasn’t nervous by the way Manish showed himself up, so silly. I was studying my own selected topics and I didn’t know what Manish was reading, he had said he wasn’t prepared for the exam. Actually, he was and I wasn’t, I learned in the examination hall. The question paper didn’t have resume or CV. I was banking on that topic. I knew little about what they asked in unit 4, about GD, though I had given that topic good amount of time. I knew nothing in the first question I was sitting idly for the first half an hour. I started by looking here and there and by collecting few ideas of what to write. It was the unknown person on my left whose paper I was able to see to write two units, the first and the second. Sir didn’t say anything though he obviously knew, it was happening. I did unit third myself, it was transcription and I knew that. Before I could do fourth unit, Banga poked from behind for help and in order to show him, sir moved me to one of those first seats. I had to pull up unit-4 myself, hell.
I think had I been given enough marks in internals I would have passed this exam but unlucky me. I am skeptical about saying anything, whether or not my paper goes well by the help of luck, marks. I just realized that Manish who had to help me actually didn’t, though he took mine. He sat in between me and the rest of CSE students, closing all doors of help for me. I was lucky to have the EEE guy by my side. He was intelligent by the way of his answers. Manish is a bastard.
I came home with Vibha on my mind. I purchased message card to contact her and to ask her for a date but she was adamant about not talking to me. I was pissing so much inside first time for woman again after it had been over with Sonal. I didn’t try to pull it too long after we exchanged about 11 messages (six by me and five from her) in a time span of about one and a half hour in which she made it clear three times that she knew mw very well and I should not hold any hopes anymore.
I contacted Sonam right after and she seems to be friendly, my heart was light hearted again after that. I went to Facebook and there were still many CS1E students whom I can catch online. My friends reduced from 97 to 95. It was 102 at 1900, 5th June. I was talking to Sonam, Anubhav about Vibha and what I had planned ahead. We were not friends anymore I declared to them all. I had texted ‘I want to have sex’ to Gurarchi and she also contacted later after about an hour of wait. I downloaded photos of Vibha, in case there is an emergency for me to take revenge. 
Soon after I was talking to Gurarchi, and the conversation with Ravi was going on, buaji called out for dinner monstrously. I had call it over with both of them, hell. It was awkward, way to awkward in case of Gurarchi, whom I never contacted since many months thoughshe kept texting without getting an answer ever.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-8

Index of Journals

June 8, 2011
The OS exam went fine. The exam was delayed by 50 minutes and after that we got photocopies to work with. In those 50 minutes I learned about the spread of the news about the deleted wall post of mine. It is already news, though I have been removed from CS1E. Arushi Jain, Apurv, Nishant were asking about it. I myself told about this to Arun who sits right in front of me, and is a help during the exam. I had reached the college gate early to get along with others before Vibha comes around. Aditya Mohan showed sympathy over what happened, Gaurav Sati too, there are still people who assure me that they will add me soon, Apurv and Gaurav Gupta. Ravi was ignoring me in the beginning but then he was just friendly again. It felt better to see the people not showing hatred like I saw on internet that night. On the day of CG exam, Kriti Bahl was giving me that look with big eyes like somebody gave a fuck.
The question paper seemed like from out-of-the-book topics. There were no numerical questions unlike all times and the theory scared everyone at first site. They had asked to write short note on Windows 7, funny. I got to carry on with paper with time and felt comfortable as the time passed, Arun found difficulty in a numerical. I knew how to do it but I confused myself with the wrong name ‘FCFS’ instead of ‘SCAN’ for it and I told FCFS to Arun, I was feeling extremely guilty for this.
I slept though I had to be awake to study. I couldn’t go with the pace I had to go with to do English. I was feeling sick because of sleeping on this distorted bed of Ankur. I ate food around 2130 and put the fruits in the fridge. It was around 2330 that Vibha called to waste 20 minutes of mine, she flipped out on me. Her voice was so stiff, I was hearing for the first time and she sounded like ending this relationship. She rebuked me for everything, she threatened me to get me beaten up by Akash Rajpoot and she also said that had I written it about Shruti B, I wouldn’t have dared to come to write the exam the next day. I knew inside that it was totally true but still I felt bad when she said it. She said that she felt pity for my mother and sister, and my whole family. She called me unsociable, and that I was dangerous for whoever was friendly with me. She referred to Sonam, Dhanraj, and Manish while saying that these people had informed her about the risk she was taking by going after me. They say I am nymphomaniac. She said I really jeopardized her performance in the exams CG and OS.
I couldn’t concentrate after this, in the room Ankur and Shruti were playing with Jabru and it was really getting late. I went to Shruti’s room and studied until 0045, and then I went to sleep. I had tried calling Vibha three times at 0030 and then again at 0130, when I couldn’t catch sleep. I had called Ravi to share my plan about going on group date with him, Vibha, and Sonam, but he was going to bed at that moment so I just said good night.
I haven’t done anything more than transcription for the exam tomorrow.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-7

Index of Journals

June 7, 2011

I had to do Operating Systems (OS); it was not a great relief that I had completed half the course in days before CG because an equal amount of course was still left. I did it by the time it was night, slow and steady, may be. I also guessed how much work will have to be done for English exam.
There are times when I would just think about what I had done on the night of the fifth, and then what CS1 did to me. I felt like downloading the images of these people down from the Facebook and put it as video for a Hindi R rated song, for example, 'TERI G*ND MEIN DANDA RE'. It is really a nice idea to close the doors of the CS1E forever for myself. It was just this idea that I was roaming around in the room for a second and badi buaji came to taunt for not studying, god!
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-6

Index of Journals

June 6, 2011

I feared of any consequences from what happened yesterday. I went to a corner place to revise my subject in the morning. I met with section S2 students, Shashi Raja who seemed to be friendly and his other friends. The exam went better than fine, I found the paper easy. I had wished Sonam for her birthday, and also asked to say sorry to Vibha. Last night around, 1am Kriti Bahl had called me 'CH**IYA’ on comments. It was not enough for me to remove the post but then I thought of Vibha and finally removed it.
I came home and slept. Buaji was asking me about plans for returning back home. While I was sleeping I had been contacted by Sonam, and she wanted me to put public apology post on Facebook, and to also contact Vibha directly.
Ankur is not interested in making any contact with me. That’s seriously ill. I have been removed from CS1E, which was way too surprising. I can still feel adrenaline rush inside me. Dinesh can’t do that. Last night my friend count had come down from 102 to 99 and then now it is 97, I hope it will go down.
It is that perfect moment for which I had always been waiting, I am universally hated.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-5

Index of Journals

June 5, 2011
    
It was Baba Ramdev all over the news yesterday. His speeches, his wishes, the topics which he discussed, black money, corruption, and everything that this country has. Badi buaji watched television at ear bursting volume. She has this small television of the dimensions of my forearm, and the noise that it creates has no dimensions. I went down to avoid adrenaline production inside of me by this blood boiling news that was coming. The atrocity that government showed by sending cops and moving the peacefully sleeping people by the full use of their power. A non violent movement’s meeting spot turned into butcher house by Delhi police. 
I posted ‘Fuck the government, let righteousness win, let baba Ramdev win’, changed my display picture to one of those Ramdev’s, and created an album to post two of his movement’s photos. As a matter of fact I was listening to Eminem’s ‘way I am’ for a while before logging on to Facebook.
I couldn’t concentrate that was the thing that was eating me. I went up around eleven to bath and fresh, I pushing through the day with regular jobs. It was around lunch time that badi buaji came to me to disclose Prxnt’s AIEEE result. He got around 1700 in state and 19000 in country, that’s really surprising from him. I didn’t know how to react, I wasn’t finding philosophies and logics to fit me into the situation and help me deal with the situation. I couldn’t help myself with it; it was all over my mind, the Ramdev, the AIEEE result.
I was getting too much worried due to still remaining course in CG and then all this trouble through the day. I went down logged on to Facebook and brain ran. I manipulated a wall post of Vibha to my advantage. I wrote, “While performing, Vibha said, “Sex is damn simple, but we insist on making it complicated,” I told her, “Life is damn simple, but we insist on making it complicated,” and she put that up as her wall post.”
Abhinav Choudhary of S2 came up to comment and ‘like’ in my post, we went on to discussing basics of sex, foreplay, and how it compares with life. It was really insisting to read everything written under that post. Ravi was online, I made him read the post, and his first reaction came, “OMG” as usual for every post by me. He asked me to remove that post right away, but I wished I was listening. Vibha started texting, and calling. I got calls from Dhanraj, he even called at home. I was afraid when Anu had called back on badi buaji’s phone to get to me, I thanked god that it was Anu. The post had collected comments at the speed of one-comment-every-hour. People were abusing me, threatening me publicly and on messages. I learned that Vibha had removed me from her friends. I wasn’t worried a bit for her; it was the other people Akash Rajpoot, Dhanraj who were making me tense by threatening me. Abhishek Shukla had showed disliking. By the time it was night, there was comment ‘Ashish PAGAL SALA’ by Anil Goel. I had done my best to keep the phone in the setting that was least disturbing from time to time. It was feeling really tense for the exam, and then I thought of Vibha, I pictured her breaking down by all what I had done, and messing up her exam. I called to know what was going on with, I had called to calm her and myself down, but that stiff tone was way too much. She was showing me attitude, what the hell man, and she then informed me that she even removed me from her friends like I didn’t know or I was giving a fuck to what she says. My balance came down from 20.232R to something like ten, which sucks. Internet on phone had started to work, and it was really helpful in keeping me up to date with the happenings under my post.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-4

Index of Journals

June 4, 2011

It was going to be normal but it had never happened with me that let me stay on the top, and then I’d not take a risk to look down and just get pulled down. Manju buaji was to visit us today, she came by 1330. I was napping until then; it was because of the tiredness that had accumulated because of waking up early in the morning at 0400 when fufaji put off the cooler. I had a lot to do, I only got over with OS by the evening and this day was actually for CG. Mother of god come and bless me!  Babaji sent Rs 500 for me, that was good, but it only made me feel uncomfortable, pushing me to act more responsibly. 
I was way too nervous about taking up CG, I was started with t anew topic which I had to finish in an hour or so, but it didn’t get over by the time I slept dead. I was sitting downstairs on the computer to relax but guess I was wrong.
Ankur is showing way too much attitude, what is wrong with this douchebag. Is it that now he is not talking to Puja, or what, why would it be Shruti then? Shruti would continue to speak ill until he would give up and do what buaji and Shruti wishes him to. Last night I had fill cooler because this idiot is not in any mood to make it any comfortable for me, another Prashant is born.

God bless me
Ashish 

2011-Jun-3

Index of Journals

June 3, 2011

It was a fine day, I was feeling relaxed as there is three day gap between yesterday’s paper and the paper on sixth. I studied OS whole day. It was really tiring last night and it felt good to sleep last night. I was checking out playboy website in the morning and I don’t know like into porno again, it is sick when you feel the urge to do that. It is like a drug addiction, feels really sick and weak inside.

I was studying in my place in the evening and Shruti comes here to talk. Buaji was keeping a check on us when our conversation was going on.

Vibha was texting me since morning, I didn’t reply to the morning message and then in the evening when her second message of the day came, I didn’t bother. In the fifth message she wrote. “Ignorance is a chain”. I did not give a f*ck, and her sixth message came around ten asking me if was angry on her, and she told me not to worry about the exam as I am capable enough; I believe that was a demeaning truth. I went down around 2210 and wished her best of luck for exams and also for the night with a kiss. The problem was that Ankur had been sitting downstairs on fufaji’s computer, fufaji was reading a book, and Rakesh hadn’t left yet. It has been time when second message of Vibha had come around 1830. Rakesh didn’t go until 2030 and after that Ankur sat on the machine to study, I couldn’t have said anything. He had heard from fufaji and badi buaji over the phone calls he get whole day long and Shruti had told buaji about this girl calling him innumerable times. He was angry over Shruti and partially over me. He deleted the Playboy movie which I had downloaded. I didn’t say anything.
Amma had called and I also talked to babaji.
God bless me
Ashish

Tags: Journal,

2011-Jun-2

Index of Journals

June 2, 2011

I didn’t do well in the exam. I had totally lost my vision while stretching in the chair downstairs around 0630 when I went down to check email. That was way too serious, I was feeling weak inside ever after, I took a pill and held myself up to keep going. I was feeling sick in my stomach as well. I denied eating bread and had milk with just one bread piece, last bite of which I threw out of the window. I was really while writing the exam and the paper was not as difficult as I feared but it barely affected me. I am still hanging to look forward for mercy and miracle.
I came home and didn’t get to listen much from buaji because of the way I missed sleep last night. Buaji was showing worry, but I did get to listen again for not managing time well. 
When I learned about Microsoft certifications from the cover page of one those computer course books of fufaji, I was really excited then and ever since 30 May.
I went down and Vibha was there to talk. I went on to abusing and sex-chatting with her, setting up new heights of vulgarity every time. I made her upset, it went on to become uglier until I was off the computer and she lately texted me that she just took all the bullshit because she love me, any other girl would have slapped. It was 2200 then, and now at 2300 she texted ‘sorry’. This girl is totally on my d**k. 

Ankur is really angry over me because I would silent his phone and Puja will keep calling without a reply, lately she sent message via someone else that she won’t be able to call or text. Ankur was really upset when he could get her to talk, he is upset over me and he would threaten in the name of my notebook computer which he would call ‘rat’. 
Babaji has got stone n the stomach, it is really sad because he will have to go under operation to correct it. He has been talking to me on phone sometimes and… 
God bless me
Ashish

Tags: Journal,

2011-Jun-1

Index of Journals

June 1, 2011

I had to do start CS syllabus, I was snoozing around in the house until 1100 when thought to start studying. I was feeling so tired in my body. I had to find something to motivate myself to sit up and give the books a look. I couldn’t have studied from book so I thought to just go through the notes in hurry. Plus, it was only today that Shruti had to take me to the temple. These people are so out of their mind and not forgetting the way Shruti would keep talking all the time, there is a serious change in her so suddenly.
The other day I stayed awake just to talk to her, I am so inclined towards not mising a chance to get with girls, any girl. She would talk about her grand mother who is reallly a bitch to her, and how she has been spoiling her parents’ lives.
In the afternoon buaji took us, children, out for lunch with Kapil bhaiya (one of her client and contact) as guest. I didn’t know there was a place like Chawri Bazar in Delhi, the buidlings were mostly 150 to 200 years old, and the illegal constructed balcony from every building was a must watch thing. Then we went to a shop where Ankur had to shop cloth for himself. It was getting late and I was really getting worried by now. Shruti and I came home around 1500 and thoug I didn’t want ot sleep I slept for two hours. I woke up and started studying, holy shit. I had started to get the nightmares of flunking the exam. I pulled up as much as I could, around 0000 buaji put the light off of the room where three of us were lying. It was sick, I waited for about half and hour and then turned the lights on to study. It was all windy outside, heavy door bangning monsoon winds were blowing. I studied until five and then I just got to take some rest irresistably until 0630. Fear was still looming over head.
I had got missed call notification from amma when my phone was switched off.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-May-31

Index of Journals

May 31, 2011

It was fun to write the exam, DCS. The paper format was simple like all the previous years. We had to make a choice of 4 questions from 7 questions. First question was compulsory. I got along with Ravi and the group, Vibha was ignoring me as always. Huh, I didn’t mind as I got the company of Ravi and Varun, who joined us later, while travelling in the Metro, talking to him was fun and he too enjoyed me, he said. 
I came home and it was all a crash after that. Yesterday, I had to call amma because she had called when my phone was silent. I was not done yet and it was not very pleasant to lie to her, though it is fine today after the paper went fine. I had lunch and then I wanted to sleep but then Shruti showed interest in talking. That was good, I didn’t mind talking to her and missing sleep, it until five that I was still trying to catch sleep while handling Shruti. I couldn’t sleep today, in the evening when I had gone down, Shruti followed. She logged on to Facebook and made me chat with a freak that would occasionally send her messages to talk. I pretended to be horny slut in the name of Shruti Jain and then eventually insulted him from time to time. Later Shruti blocked and reported him. Shruti was at all times sitting there when the sex chat was going.
I couldn’t do my own thing as it was late 2030 when we were called up for dinner and talk with Shruti continued. 
The thing is she didn’t let me study, huh.

I had sent Vibha ‘do you want to have sex?’ and she responded ‘obviously not, you desperado’. At night she had wished me good night with a kiss. I was removed from the friend list of someone after I put that post about Gareema ma’am yesterday. It was funny.
Ankur asked me for the computer and I had to tell him ‘no’, it was difficult though, and he is really upset with me. He has hid his earphones which I would occasionally use, funny.
God bless me
Ashish
    

Tags: Journal,

2011-May-30

Index of Journals

May 30, 2011

I had three days to prepare for DCS and also catch up a little bit with CS, but I barely made any use of this time, I would over sleep and download movies, sex chat, everything to everything but not study. The day had been crazy with me trying to catch up with DCS. I had no option left but to miss some of the topics, and I did nothing extra other than a few topics which are occasionally discussed in the exam. (And as a matter of fact, the paper was very easy and very choosy. I chose to do questions from the first five chapters and the questions were pretty easy. Also because of not enough preparation I was very nervous before the exam and I had forgotten everything from new topics I had studied in these three days gap, which was really shameful.)
I by the end of the day managed to put my self up for revision but that barely happened. It was eleven when I chose to sleep and wake up at four in the morning. It was seven when I woke up next day and I had to start revision in the Metro, and buaji would keep telling me to aim for 100 percent.
God bless me
Ashish