2011-Jun-24

Index of Journals

Mon, Jun 6, 2011 at 12:25 AM Abhishek wrote: KUCHH???? BAHAUT BADA WALA!!!! >B-(
Mon, Jun 6, 2011 at 12:15 AM Kriti wrote: TU KUCH CHUTIYA H KYAA
Mon, Jun 6, 2011 at 12:02 AM Anubhav wrote: What the hell r u trying to prove man...u have lost Ur senses...and you seriously need a mental checkup.....
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 at 10:19 PM Anil wrote: Ashish PAGAL SALLA
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 at 9:25 PM Raj wrote: U r mentally sick.......
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 at 8:03 PM Akash wrote: bloody BC! U r asshole, a big one!!! Stop all this nonsense or you have from me!! N m not kidding! :@
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 at 8:02 PM Akash wrote: bloody BC! U r asshole, a big one!!! Stop all this nonsense or you have from me!! N m not kidding! :@ 
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 at 7:25 PM Abhinav wrote: another tip, don avoid the foreplay, or u can’t enjoy the session ;)
Sun, Jun 5, 2011 at 7:22 PM Abhinav wrote: life n sex r one and a same thing in life either you’re fucking you're getting fucked..... And that’s how the cookie crumbles ;)


June 24, 2011
These are the comments that were posted in five hours under the wall post I had posted about Vibha. I got the copy of these comments tin Gmail account. I just cleaned my Facebook account and sent requests to Prashant sir, Ankit sir, and Saurabh sir. I added more privacy controls on my notes and make sure that my older post about Gareema ma’am is not on the front page of my recent activities. More pictures of Vibha are now in my PC and the video will now look even better. 
Last night, I had told Sonam that she looked FAAD (hot/sexy) in the white t-shirt she was wearing yesterday. Today, she was ignoring me, cool, I can’t feel thing being ignored now. Well, when chicks like Tanvi Gautam and Sakshi Sharma are noticing you, you don’t even have to fucking bother about anyone. I came back home in lunch time as I had already learnt the three programs that students were going to do today. Dinesh and Arun didn’t make any contact other than when Dinesh had pointed to the empty seat in the next row when I had asked him to shift right in the morning. Yesterday, I was feeling like I have found friends again when I had got to eat lunch with them but it is just awesome how the life changes faces. Neha also didn’t say ‘hi’ or ‘hello’. It was first time in two years that I ate in between friends. Vibha is realizing that I am gone; it is clear from her face.
I came back home and logged on to Facebook. Arun and Deepanshu had accepted my friend requests. I cleared all mind boggling conversations from my recent past with Shruti B, Sakshi Sharma, Rakhi, Surbhi and everyone else. 
I am not feeling like studying so I am giving up this day to relaxation.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-23

Index of Journals

June 23, 2011
Yesterday, there was a theft. Nikunj’s bag was stolen and then emptied and thrown in gent’s toilet. It had her mobile phone and money. I learned it today in the break from Arun and Dinesh. It happened when everybody was attending the lab. I didn’t attend the lab even today. I was thinking about the lady teacher who was roaming the class and was most of the time present around me. In the morning, Prashant sir and Kuldeep sir were sitting in between the students to see the teaching of the external teachers. I was lucky for having entered the class on time today. Tanvi was wearing a wide open neck Kurti like top, her bra strings were clearly visible plus much part of her bosom except from anything in particular, not even breast line though her cleavage ran deep down. It had occupied my thoughts for so long and I was not feeling very happy for having an occupied mind with some shit. Vibha was trying to develop a long distance bridge when she was pushing her open hair to other while talking to those nerds sitting behind her. I looked away.
Chachi and the kids have gone to grandma-in-law. It was surprising to see that the new Dell laptop is not password protected. I was able to login and also connect to the internet. My friend count is 92 now. The CS1E has 46 members and I sent friend requests to Arun, Deepanshu, Abhilash, and Nidhi Garg. I have a feeling that she will not accept though I also sent her a message. She had been squinting behind in the class to see if she was being watched by the back benchers on my side. 
I slept after coming and it is now 1804 and I should better do some math.
Ishan and Disha make a terrible couple still Ishan denied me a seat in the name of no one called Gareema. Huh, yesterday I had lunch with Disha and I thought may be I could befriend these two but I was wrong.
Arun was telling Dinesh to add me again to the group. I was feeling happy about that, plus Arun told me to add him to as friend on Facebook.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-22

Index of Journals

June 22, 2011
It was a nice day. I was studying early in the morning from three to six. I had done pushups around 0230 in the morning it left my shoulder muscles tight and paining. The pain hasn’t yet gone completely. I slept around six and woke up only around 0915. I reached class at 1020 after having missing the bath. Sir was looking at us late comers (Hemanshu and I) only until he realized that I am not a bad student. I had lunch with Dinesh and the first row monkeys. I was merely present in the class. I didn’t have a choice but to remain there, I would never want to go back to the old times again. Before that, I had seat with Neha and Tanvi when we were studying in other classroom on projector. Tanvi seems to be seeking my attention these days. It is good in the sense that now most of the others are ignoring me, it is almost whole of A-batch in the sense that I am in the eyes of at least one person from every group. Abhishek Shukla and Akash Rajpoot along with Vibha and Dhanraj have been the main drivers of this situation. 
It was going to be practical class after the break and I didn’t want to listen to basics again so gave it a miss. At the time when I was on my way out of the block Sonam stopped and asked me where I was going. I wonder it doesn’t have anything to do with Vibha. Nidhi Garg, the cutie pie from IT branch, notices me. I remember I used to notice her in the first semester but I knew somewhere in my heart that time was going to change. It blanks my mind to see that I am being noticed by Sakshi Sharma, ooh, holy goodness. 
Hemanshu Sharma was asking me what led me to change my look from what it had been in first semester to what it is now in fifth semester. He also referred to my wall post about Gareema ma’am and Tanvi had referred to my profile picture showing Baba Ramdev. They may hate me, or love me, but can’t ignore me.
I came home and watched MILF; I had got this movie from that kid (Pankaj) with the laptop and friends around him outside the locked Dean’s office. They were watching a funny nude scene from this movie. The movie is awesome.
Shruti got admitted in DU for Zoology.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-21

Index of Journals

June 21, 2011
I had opened the Reliance mobile phone handset the last day. It was fun, I had to throw it away but I was wondering that if I would throw it away in shape, it will surely catch someone’s attention so I just opened it up using the kitchen knife. Last evening I saw Sneha Bhati after such a long time and she was just so sexy. She has now a healthier and mature body than the skinny one. She was just not one of the usual women, and may be a 9.5 on the scale of ten. Ironically, I was noticing about myself that I have lost interest in girls to a whole lot. I am not a lousy pervert anymore.
The second day at college was fine. I sat with Dinesh today and it was good. I was able to understand Java so didn’t make anyone feel bad by presence. Sonam is cute as a child. I have not talked to her since the day I broke up with Vibha. She had given me an intentional look even today. It really boosts my confidence when girls look Sakshi Sharma give me look may be for even first and last time, hardly matters for today. Neha talked to me on the water cooler about the Java book I had issued from library. Tanvi is a fucking whore, she made fun of my hair asking if they had leech, or if I had hair band. I didn’t respond to any of calls to fight. At one time in the class, I had called sir to my seat to ask him a doubt and Vibha screamed from behind to call sir to her seat. Sir immediately left me as he had spent enough time on our seat, but that was still wrong to leave me incomplete. I said to myself in abnormally loud voice, “KUT** SALI!” Dinesh and Arun shook by this. 
I texted Sonam to see if she, too, was angry with me but, unexpectedly, she texted back an excited ‘hi’. It revitalized my energy. We had just started talking and then I found that I had nothing to talk about as she was not angry with me and now there was nothing next. She wrote to me in Hindi a quote using the respectful form of ‘you’ instead of writing on a friendly note using normal language. I had laugh on it and expressed the same in words and next message she sent was ‘talk to you later’ though I had written ‘sorry and I agree with you’ after it. I realized that it wasn’t screwed until now, but now it is screwed. I forwarded her a joke and slept. Her reply another quote “Satisfaction is the highest level of happiness and it is easily attained when you have no expectations from anyone” came around 2130. Though the quote is right but it is not meant for me. I had already gone to bed by now leaving the math book until dawn.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-20

Index of Journals

June 20, 2011
It was my first day at college after fourth semester. I wasn’t expecting anyone to talk to me and I was down to the ground whole day long. It was Arushi, Parul, Tanvi and Abhilash whom I saw first and there were second section students. I saw Tarang Mahajan in the empty class and I got with him, soon there were other unknowns of second section. I talked to Ravi who was here with his friends of other section and I talked to him about the post of 5th June, about internship and about this summer training. At least, he was there with to talk, I am glad. Anshul sir sent Java kids to the third floor. I met with Dinesh, Koli, Sati, Irfan and others there. Vibha’s group was there but I didn’t pay attention. I learned that Dinesh didn’t even know about what I had posted and it was just the messages of Dhanraj and others that he deleted me. He was not holding any grudge against me, nor was many others. There were a lot of handshakes, but still I missed a friend. I didn’t say hi or hello to Sonam though she had eyed me very closely from her place in between the group. Her group was noticing me from time to time. Even Neha said ‘hi’ when she had crossed me once. I was sitting with Mukul Chandra in the beginning and I didn’t push myself to seat with anyone in particular so just sat with him. I was better off alone than following stupid people like Dinesh, Sati or anyone else. 
The teachers who came were looking like someone from the streets of Shastri Park. Shaqeel Dinesh, an Osama Bin laden look-alike and other was looking like his daughter who just sat and smiled through the day. I had reached college at 0900 and the class started only by 1030 and there was then break of about one and half hour, then a class of about an hour until 1515. I came back home around 1630, had lunch, a conversation with babaji about the class, and then I spent time in creating a video out of photos of Vibha with a Hindi explicit song as playback. I didn’t have appropriate song so I went down to meet Amogh, Hardik, Appu and Pranav. Hardik broke the bulb in the room of the guards/ electricians to rest. That was crazy, I was telling them no but they were not going to listen. I got the song and the video is ready!
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-19

Index of Journals

June 19, 2011
At badi buaji’s house, I was supposed to drink milk before going to bed at night. Badi buaji didn’t give it for quite a many days after two or three times in the beginning and she told me that I should take the milk by myself because once gets into bed it becomes difficult for her to get up and work. During the last week buaji while providing the milk taunted me for not taking the milk over these days when she had told me to take the milk myself. It wasn’t actually what she said, it did come to my mind once or twice but there wouldn’t be any milk on the gas and I will have to work right from the scratch from taking the milk out from the fridge, to pouring boiled milk into glass. That was really bad to see such an attitude from her. Another thing was that I used to feel uncomfortable there when fufaji or buaji would come to the room where I would take a little rest after studying and they would eye like I am doing something wrong. That was bad, it is obvious that it would have made me feel uncomfortable and it did. I wasn’t able feel like home there until the last day.
I was searching for my green side bag and I just found the blue-black single-strap back-pack there in the cupboard. I used to use many years before when I was in middle school. It had belonged to Anu before that. I gave it to Raju's mother, when I was giving it Raju’s mother reminded me that I had once told Raju of some books. That was good; she wasn’t on the road when I had instantly stopped him to say that. I have story books to give him though.
I got new sandals today. I had gone with Anu to do the purchasing. She got me 20 percent discount from the scratch coupon that had 5 to 25 percent discount. I bought the sandals for R520. Plus, it was the last day of the three day offer of discount using the scratch card. On the way to the shop we were met by Ajir and other person who knew Anu. On the time of return Vinayak and Shubham crossed us. Anu asked why didn’t say hello to them. God, they are from the times gone by, also in summers they can always be found in the market. 
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-18

Index of Journals

June 18, 2011
My Facebook friend count is continuously decreasing, it is 93 today, it was 94 about five days back, and it was 102 on the evening of fifth June. What do I do? 
I am doing math, I am preparing plans to put math syllabus out before September. The day was fine otherwise. I slept for eight hours last night, and I didn't bath today. I have to say this because it has a sure tendency to become a big issue if I repeat this tomorrow. I want to study but I feel out of energy. 
I am thinking of wishing a scanner from Rekha buaji. The idea just came to my mind otherwise I was thinking of clothes, woolen sweaters, jeans, t-shirts. 
College reopens on 20th. 
Prachi came here today; she will leave for Dharamshala at four in the morning tomorrow. 
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-17

Index of Journals

June 17, 2011
The day was fine. I left for college around 1050 and got Neha’s message expecting me at college. I told her that I will be there in twenty minutes but I was actually one hour late. I had to ask for lift to a bike rider as we walk down the slope near red light. The man luckily dropped me at the college gates. I submitted the form and learned from Nikunj that Neha was with Vibha near canteen. I saw going past canteen, I rushed from behind the canteen to hop in their way. They were surprised. Vibha has learned to make a new face expression especially for me, it is like ‘what are you’ in real sarcastic way. Neha was worried about internship because she has two backs to clear and she missed both of the exams this time. In that she and I share the same worries so I discussed with her about the internship. She said she wants a government job because it has a lot of benefits. Vibha’s behavior was immature and I didn’t know why she was there. I had to see books on Linux but I couldn’t because I had already made it late to get to them so Neha didn’t let me, and then I wanted to talk to her.
I came back home around 1330 and watched ‘No one killed Jessica’ until five or something. That was pretty crazy. I also had to write about the trip and I got free only by 1830. I opened up math book once again and continued to work. I got message of Vibha around 2100 that I should avoid her. I kept deleting every message of her right after reading and was also avoiding her along the way but she didn’t understand this. She sent about three of her messages to get a reply for them. I talked to Sonam parallel to get my mind off of Vibha, talking to Sonam was really pleasant experience. Vibha was going to break up with me I knew of this, I had it in my mind that this bitch was just taking her time out to get away with me and it has finally happened; breaking up with anyone is not easy. Though I never felt for her so strongly but still losing a friend with instantaneous break would have been tough for me as well, she made it easy, huh. We talked of internship. I talked to anyone in Hindi after a long time, I realized that English was supposed to be my plus point and not my weakness, but since sticking to English would have cost me high so I used Hindi while talking to Sonam.
Sonal was here to meet Srishti and Mreeganka. Chachi was screaming from the balcony to compliment her new hair cut, it is boy cut, I heard. I didn’t give a fuck. 
Early in the morning Anu handed me R100 note, I kept it in my pocket without a word. She asked me if I was going to thank her. I thought it was given to her by amma to pass on to me but no; she was presenting me from her salary. She had shown me a check of around 1800, I guess, last night. It was her salary.
I texted a non vegan joke to Puja (Ankur’s girlfriend) and it cost me R1.5, I didn’t have an idea that she lived out of Delhi, huh.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-16

Index of Journals

June 16, 2011
We returned from Tijara today. I wasn’t feeling against it unlike Srishti and others who wanted to stay until evening. Babaji made the decision to move and we others had to. I woke up a little late; I hadn’t slept nicely the previous night because of the fear of the big and ugly spider that was hanging from the wall near my pillow. It was really sick to sleep with a fucking spider over your head whole time. Ankur had tried to wake me and I just rudely told him not to disturb me and to mind his own business. I didn’t feel about it until now but now that I am recollecting it is hurting me. 
Those people who manage the temple idols during the morning ceremony (or prakshal) act very rude to people, no matter who he is. When I went for prakshal at the main idol the man asked if the cloth I was wearing was of this place. What kind of question was that? On the other idol (on the left one), I was walking before babaji and Prashant accidentally. I had been taunted just a second before for not paying enough attention while walking through the people in the way by the priest. He used the same ugly tone for babaji and Prashant had him after this for a second. The priest didn’t stand there any longer until we had gone to the next idol. The priest actually needed it.
After puja we had breakfast. Babaji had been very polite with the old man who sold him milk. Today he had lifted his shop early and when babaji mistakenly sat on the milk shop next to his actual shop inside, babaji had to apologize for this happening. The face of that old man was very sad, because two milk shops can’t run together in one place side by side. The other shop, on which we sat, had advantage of being second from the end.
We went to our rooms and laid there to rest until we are signaled to go by any of the adults. I finished reading ‘Accidental billionaires’ by Mezrich Ben. It still felt good to read through the lives of Facebook makers. I was reading and reading and reading. People continued to do their own things, amma, Srishti, Shruti brought pakode to the room and we had banana chips already, this made up for the breakfast. While everyone was preparing to go, I was still reading the book. I got up around 0945 and pulled up pants. I had my things in my bag and now I just had to take it on my shoulder. I went to the other room and badi buaji shouted (in her usual tone), “Take one bag from one of these six and don’t make me remind you of this until we reach Delhi”. I took the black bag full of clothes, as it didn’t have anything that anyone might feel concerned about. The blue-green bag had shopped items in it. Prashant and I took the bed foams to the reception, Ankur was already there checking us out. Then we made a second round to help Shruti and badi buaji bring the bags down. After we collected in the reception, other six left for last prayer, arti with Shruti and me taking care of the things. Shruti left after a second and then I also went inside. It was Srishti who saw me first and soon all of them had given me a look one by one ignorantly. I got with babaji and stayed calm. I found the situation a little funny actually. I was smiling though no one else was. I had to do a lot of work in keeping this smile hidden.
Badi buaji was not very happy but she didn’t say anything. After arti we collected in the reception and were waiting for babaji who had gone to toilet, and amma was the escort. We were soon sitting in the car and were still waiting for it to get loaded with two more people. That sounded crazy to us. We didn’t have to wait to get to the bus, the bus came in our way and we just switched from car to bus. There was no seat available but there was going to be seat soon. I stood at the end and there was a woman who had a child with her. She was ugly as a hag in some fairy tale but still I had to give her a look when she was breastfeeding her child. I tried real hard to not think of woman while travelling and I was promising myself that I will not be a loser from now on. The hag fell asleep in the bus and left her stop behind before awakening again. There was a guy who was travelling with us in the crowded bus and he stood before Shruti and Srishti. Amma and badi buaji helped Srishti and Shruti get a seat early but I had to wait. That guy didn’t but that other man did, because he was closer. I too got a seat soon, first at the back and then with Srishti and Shruti after a little wait. That guy sat on my left on a seat ahead in the other row and Srishti and Shruti sat on my right in the respective order. Srishti started about Baba Ramdev being a negative personality, she continued saying it and just didn’t stop her though I was against. I wanted to know how much she knew. Shruti had turned her face at the beginning of the conversation and she was just now avoiding more and more. She had started to look uncomfortable even. Srishti soon stopped after she was left nothing else to say about Ramdev. That was the last conversation I had with her. She has been pretty easy with me since the day I returned, not bad. I took out DS book when bus started to move after short break. Ankur had brought biscuits then. There came a woman beggar (after a male) to ask for money, Prashant, Ankur and Shruti were finding it funny to joke with her by offering her biscuits. It is Prashant basically who is immature, Shruti was just giving way to his stupidity. I couldn’t resist and said ‘all of you are idiots’ Shruti couldn’t reason it and was for the first time acting bend down. Otherwise she has always been treating me like dirt. We fell asleep soon after and were awake only when we had reached closer to Delhi border. It was the last stop, Sarai Kale Khan soon and we got down. In those few minutes of wait Srishti never shut up. She kept whining for auto ride to home. I stood without a word from my mouth. Chachi found her way out to reach us after travelling long way around the bus stop. There was no direct road here so it was long. We packed into the car like how we had on the day of departure, nine people in one car. We got home and while Ankur and Prashant bathed I didn’t. I just washed my face and poured deodorant talc. Adults were talking about the DU cut-offs and where Shruti might get admission from the colleges listed in the newspaper. I checked my phone and there were five SMS’s. I was taken aback, of those two were from Vibha and two from non-vegan jokes website. Vibha wanted me contact Ankit sir because I hadn’t submitted a form to him due to which I wasn’t listed for summer training. I called Ankit sir and learned that we had to submit a form to him to let him know our choice of subject for summer training. I will have to go college tomorrow before two.
I put my things back into place and open the laptop to write down for two days. Before leaving, badi buaji told to go to temple but I had to go to temple and Shruti responded on this that she had already told her that I won’t. I slept until seven and responded to Vibha’s message only then. She had texted around six. I didn’t want to talk actually; she can't act bossy all the time. 
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-15

Index of Journals

June 15, 2011
Our second day here at Tijara, we did prakshal and puja in the morning. I woke up on time. It was nice to sleep in cooler. We had breakfast at the sweet maker’s shop. I had pakode. We came to our rooms after this and were snoozing to blow away the tiredness. Last night I had been in the room and Ankur was able to call me while I wasn’t. Ankur had to call me to the milk man for milk. I tried Vibha’s number and that struck. Ankur has been a little upset with me since I have been treating him like a child always. I would imitate fufaji, ‘PEHELWAAN JI, PADAI HOGAI PURI’ to tease him. We had been to a temple outside the main temple complex. It was made at a distance through inside streets of this place. It looked like another ordinary temple to me. 
There is a woman here who appear to me exactly like Gareema ma’am in terms of face features. Just that this woman is a little short and thinner than the hooker bitch Gareema. I didn’t want to catch her eye but I unfortunately did and we saw each other a thousand number of times after this during our stay here. I think I saw for the first time yesterday evening. Then we would see each other all the time in the common eating place. She was married and had a stupid looking husband but I didn’t bother to take any unnecessary advantage of anything, I wanted to stay out of light, forget about limelight. It happened otherwise; she felt unsafe and would occasionally look for me. That was sick. I think she has the exact face of Gareema ma’am. She, too, is hot. It was good to have Srishti and Shruti around because it would reflect my general attitude towards women. Presence of Srishti next to me would make me feel a little better; otherwise today the woman family had started to take the notice of me. It was now that I also got know her family, just the husband and mother-in-law. Srishti helped him take his eye off of me soon and helped me not to present a negative image at first sight.
In the afternoon babaji told me a story, it was just babaji, amma, and me in the room. It was an excerpt from Ramayana from the time Sita was pregnant and was sent to the woods. The moral of the story was that I can’t remember. It felt good to hear a story from babaji with amma correcting him from time to time. We had to go to the temple but there was paath going on there on the loud speaker. It was specially arranged by someone from Kanpur; it was the same person who had arranged the food for free everybody. We didn’t have to pay for food anytime, henceforth. They just postponed the plans of badi buaji, Srishti and Shruti to read chalisa forty times. Amma too wanted to spend time at the temple. The paath ran for three hours from two to five. 
In the evening, after saying arti at the main temple we went to the big idol made in the centre of a park and beautiful greenery. It was about 25 feet high and equal wide from knee to knee in sitting pose. The place is very beautiful. After going through the all the twenty four idols, Ankur, Prashant and I sat in the lawns. Shruti and Srishti were roaming around the place. There came a cop dressed like a civilian. He talked to Ankur about him being fat. It was a very normal talk. I felt bothered by it, I felt as if that cop was informed of us and he was just checking us there. After few minutes call came from Shruti and Srishti. 
When we returned to the main temple complex, Shruti and Srishti were showing interest in the babies, the toddlers who had come to the place. I was not interested in any but tried to show interest to spend a little time with them. We even talked to the mother of one on the temple’s periphery. 
I am very annoyed by that spider hanging from the wall near my pillow. I wondered myself hitting my hand on it in sleep and getting bitten. I hate insects and want to move it but I am not since it is a matter of just one night. I continued reading ‘Accidental Billionaires’ after a long time before going to sleep. It felt good; I am still in love with all of its characters. The spider was gone in the morning after staying there for more than a day.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-14

Index of Journals

June 14, 2011
I had night fall in the morning. God that sucks! I was awake around 0500 and others had already woken up. There was rush in the house. Badi buaji was making noise to wake Ankur up who had got down only after 0130 last night after talking to Prashant. I was awake and studying math, I was studying because there was nothing I could have done with Prashant and Ankur talking, and I can’t hear Prashant talk, he is still stupid no matter what. I had given his 19000 rank pretty much thought and I couldn’t find it impressive enough to make me feel unwell mentally. He is like one in every fifteen where I was one-in-every-ten. So what if on finding three like me you would have already found two like him. I was cleaning my notes for my last JEE preparation from the behind amma’s bed and I read out the study plan I had formulated for being one in fifty or one in hundred. It still sounded impressive and I was ready to give it a try. I am back again on the same track.
I somehow learned that my knickers were wet. I rushed to the room and there it was the wet patch on the bed sheet. Holy shit, I was taken aback for a second and but then we were leaving the place anyway. It was really feeling bad inside. I left the bed wet with my pull-over lying around it for not making it catch everybody’s attention.
I didn’t bath, nor did many others unlike how it was planned last night. There was no time left. Babaji was already ready to go and now it was us left behind. I didn’t bath and asked to pull over the same shorts which I wear most of the time at home. Babaji didn’t approve of it. I changed to jeans and we were ready to go. Badi buaji was making fuss about that small bag I was carrying with me, before leaving the house she put that Mazaa bottle filled with water in my bag. That was crazy. I couldn’t have said anything. 
We all jammed into SX4 and chachi drove us to the bus stop. I was quiet most of the time, I had to be quiet. Shruti has been unnecessarily rude to me like she owes me something. I sat on the window seat with Srishti on my left and Shruti on her left. The bus ride was easy, as we got the seats early and near the front. I had spent too much time loading my phone with songs but I never pulled out my ear phones. I read DS book instead. I was watching the women who were passing by, through the window on either side and in the bus, which was crazy. I am very different from the usual; I caught the eye of bus driver from the mirrors that were arranged above his head. I don’t know what I was looking for but it wasn’t probably a woman thing then. I sent a negative impression by my weird way of living. Women would always catch my eye first, and then the people in her vicinity. We had once gone to down to drink sugarcane juice and otherwise the ride was smooth. Last part was the auto ride when there was music and Ankur whistled through the way with the loud music in our ears. It wasn’t loud in terms of genre.

We got rooms with coolers. We settled fast. Babaji wanted the room downstairs but there were no cooler there. The first day wasn’t very far from the usual. Badi buaji would always be in her loud voice so there is nothing to write any new about her. Ankur, Prashant, babaji and I slept in one room and the ladies in the other. We got rooms side by side so it was easy to communicate. 
I listened to music before going to bed to prevent myself from the stupid talks of Ankur and Prashant. I wasn’t actually in the mood to listen to music but it was just out of utter formality to give my ear phones a chance since I had brought them here. Plus, I was thinking about my inclination for women, awful inclination.
God bless me
Ashish

/* NEPALI MATHERC**D AGAR TERI VAJAH SE PRASHANT OR MERE BEECH LADAI HUI TOH APNI MAA KO MUJHSE CH**NE SE BACHA LIYO */ A text message sent to Appu last year. I deleted lately, it is a master piece in its own.

2011-Jun-13

Index of Journals

June 13, 2011
It was fine. I got tired after doing math whole day yesterday. I was sleeping in the afternoon and I know that was out of time table but I couldn’t resist. I need to fit myself in real life situations. I need to be realistic in plans to achieve success without frequent failures. 
I loaded my phone with songs because we are going to Tijara for three days and I don’t know how it is going to be with me and family there. I will also carry my book, DS. I haven’t studied much today and I need to get back to math right away. We will leave at around five in the morning. I will right entries on phone there. 
Vibha texted in the evening to ask me 'where I was going', and also wished me happy journey. I am glad she is back.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-12

Index of Journals

June 12, 2011
The day was normal as it can be, I was studying math whole day to the limit that I was tired and bored by it. I was thinking of what others might be doing, I don’t want to miss anything. Sonam is never answering like a friend rather like she is doing me a big favor by answering me. She would sound like a robot who can’t tell anything without a proper input first. She has nothing to tell me, nor would she answer if I ask her something like Srishti Jain’s number. I needed to contact her to ask if she could arrange the notes of the teacher from the junior batch. Sonam didn’t help rather she flipped on the thing that I asked her if she knew anyone from the junior batch. I asked Vibha ‘how was she’ around the same time and asked her what she was doing. She said she was reading a novel. I told Sonam this to communicate and otherwise I had no interest in knowing what Vibha was doing. She had sent “F9.” After about 30 minutes and to the next question she had again sent one word answer ‘novel’. Sonam would watch TV and rest whole day. After another word she had written she was going for dinner so would talk to me later. She makes terrible mistakes in English, especially in question when she place subject before the verb.
Vibha is a real loser; it was just a week ago that she had broken up with me and today she fucking sounds back again.
I cleaned my closet in bed in amma’s room to make space for engineering books that I wouldn’t use. I had to throw away the notebooks and notes in which I had made while preparing for the JEE the second time. It didn’t feel bad as it should have been.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-11

Index of Journals

June 11, 2011
When I was at badi buaji’s place my phone started to malfunction. I think it’s because I had dropped it a few times, and then I also had to keep it in the bag which itself was never kept in particular place. The ‘walkman’ shortcut key had stopped working months back, now it is the music-keys-lock that stopped working with permanent lock on the flap buttons. I noticed that even camera was producing bad quality colors and decreased picture quality. 
Badi buaji isn’t as good as she would about being religious. She had washed my t-shirts and she let my white t-shirt remain under surf-water with other clothes of mine. The color of the t-shirt wasn’t white anymore, it is yellow now. The yellow check shirt owed it’s generosity on the t-shirt. It was badi buaji’s carelessness that I have lost my one good t-shirt which I have been wearing since many years now. She made it sure that I don’t revile about it; she hung one of Ankur’s white t-shirt (non-collared) to dry with the clothes of mine. She could now point to the white t-shirt of Ankur to say that fault was in my cloth that it absorbed color otherwise Ankur’s t-shirt is still white, guess what she hadn’t even washed it along with my clothes.
Not just this, yesterday I was looking for the packet of hangers which I had brought with myself here. She mixed those hangers with the hangers of self and then handed the distorted pieces to me. That was wrong; I didn’t have that many distorted pieces. I couldn’t have made that an issue. I didn’t want to be in any issue with anyone, like I already had less. 
Another thing, there was a shortage of electricity plugs in buaji’s house.
During OS exam Parul had helped me with RTOS question worth 2.5 marks, I couldn’t believe I was missing Real Time Operating Systems question. I was feeling thankful for her. 
Amogh types for Oxford publication to earn some money in these summers. That was great, inspiring actually. 
My entry over here is done, I came to grandpa’s room to wash my face after afternoon nap and when he commented on that, I showed him hand to stop and left. I was talking to Anu and she doesn’t feel good about Prashant getting anything better than what he looks like. He must have got 19000 in AIEEE because he deserved it; I don’t know why I or anyone else would have a problem with that even when there is no competition between us.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-10

Index of Journals

June 10, 2011
I moved from badi buaji’s house back to Mayur Vihar. I was not told about this day but it happened. In the morning buaji ask me to take me to the temple and right after coming back she disclosed the news to me. I was not happy or sad; I was doing my work (scanning question papers) and making plans to start with Math. This CS1E group was giving me a lot of tension and I had been a real trouble for these people as well. I don’t have to be sad being deleted because they weren’t making big deals inside the group just that the deals they were making I was getting to know those at least. 
I got ready around 1130 and when Ankur saw me packing up bags he informed buaji about it. Buaji called me and asked if I wanted anything. I asked her for calculator. She sent Kapil bhaiya and me to get it from a shopkeeper Kapil bhaiya knew about. In hurry the sick shopkeeper packed the low priced model in the box of high priced model (the one I had chosen) and handed it to us. That was sick. When I learnt about it at home, I told buaji and she would now get it replaced later. 
I hadn’t got any message since morning from anyone, I wanted to talk to Sonam or may be receive a text from Vibha but that didn’t happen. I got message from Vibha in the morning but then she broke off on an abrupt note like she owned me, what the hell was that? I couldn’t have said anything. I am paying back for my mistake; I still don’t think that was really a big issue.
I brought the books of fufaji which I had liked and I am happy to have them. I slept in the late afternoon when Manju buaji and badi buaji left. I went to get a haircut and shave and while returning I met with Harshit and soon Hardik came to jump in my way. We strolled and then sat for a while until it was time for Hardik to go. It was fun, I loved being with them. I counted my balance and it came out to be 6900R plus 95R change. That set my mood up, I am happy for the first time since fifth of June. I talked to Rekha buaji and she told me that she would be coming to India in winters this year. She told me about Sameer who was did Introduction to Computers (ITC) and was now doing Introduction to Programming (ITP) and Object Oriented Programming (OOPS) as summer activity.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-9

Index of Journals

June 9, 2011
I came back home around 1330. I wasn’t prepared very well for the exam, I had to wake up early around 0445 but it went on to become 0700. I wasn’t nervous by the way Manish showed himself up, so silly. I was studying my own selected topics and I didn’t know what Manish was reading, he had said he wasn’t prepared for the exam. Actually, he was and I wasn’t, I learned in the examination hall. The question paper didn’t have resume or CV. I was banking on that topic. I knew little about what they asked in unit 4, about GD, though I had given that topic good amount of time. I knew nothing in the first question I was sitting idly for the first half an hour. I started by looking here and there and by collecting few ideas of what to write. It was the unknown person on my left whose paper I was able to see to write two units, the first and the second. Sir didn’t say anything though he obviously knew, it was happening. I did unit third myself, it was transcription and I knew that. Before I could do fourth unit, Banga poked from behind for help and in order to show him, sir moved me to one of those first seats. I had to pull up unit-4 myself, hell.
I think had I been given enough marks in internals I would have passed this exam but unlucky me. I am skeptical about saying anything, whether or not my paper goes well by the help of luck, marks. I just realized that Manish who had to help me actually didn’t, though he took mine. He sat in between me and the rest of CSE students, closing all doors of help for me. I was lucky to have the EEE guy by my side. He was intelligent by the way of his answers. Manish is a bastard.
I came home with Vibha on my mind. I purchased message card to contact her and to ask her for a date but she was adamant about not talking to me. I was pissing so much inside first time for woman again after it had been over with Sonal. I didn’t try to pull it too long after we exchanged about 11 messages (six by me and five from her) in a time span of about one and a half hour in which she made it clear three times that she knew mw very well and I should not hold any hopes anymore.
I contacted Sonam right after and she seems to be friendly, my heart was light hearted again after that. I went to Facebook and there were still many CS1E students whom I can catch online. My friends reduced from 97 to 95. It was 102 at 1900, 5th June. I was talking to Sonam, Anubhav about Vibha and what I had planned ahead. We were not friends anymore I declared to them all. I had texted ‘I want to have sex’ to Gurarchi and she also contacted later after about an hour of wait. I downloaded photos of Vibha, in case there is an emergency for me to take revenge. 
Soon after I was talking to Gurarchi, and the conversation with Ravi was going on, buaji called out for dinner monstrously. I had call it over with both of them, hell. It was awkward, way to awkward in case of Gurarchi, whom I never contacted since many months thoughshe kept texting without getting an answer ever.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-8

Index of Journals

June 8, 2011
The OS exam went fine. The exam was delayed by 50 minutes and after that we got photocopies to work with. In those 50 minutes I learned about the spread of the news about the deleted wall post of mine. It is already news, though I have been removed from CS1E. Arushi Jain, Apurv, Nishant were asking about it. I myself told about this to Arun who sits right in front of me, and is a help during the exam. I had reached the college gate early to get along with others before Vibha comes around. Aditya Mohan showed sympathy over what happened, Gaurav Sati too, there are still people who assure me that they will add me soon, Apurv and Gaurav Gupta. Ravi was ignoring me in the beginning but then he was just friendly again. It felt better to see the people not showing hatred like I saw on internet that night. On the day of CG exam, Kriti Bahl was giving me that look with big eyes like somebody gave a fuck.
The question paper seemed like from out-of-the-book topics. There were no numerical questions unlike all times and the theory scared everyone at first site. They had asked to write short note on Windows 7, funny. I got to carry on with paper with time and felt comfortable as the time passed, Arun found difficulty in a numerical. I knew how to do it but I confused myself with the wrong name ‘FCFS’ instead of ‘SCAN’ for it and I told FCFS to Arun, I was feeling extremely guilty for this.
I slept though I had to be awake to study. I couldn’t go with the pace I had to go with to do English. I was feeling sick because of sleeping on this distorted bed of Ankur. I ate food around 2130 and put the fruits in the fridge. It was around 2330 that Vibha called to waste 20 minutes of mine, she flipped out on me. Her voice was so stiff, I was hearing for the first time and she sounded like ending this relationship. She rebuked me for everything, she threatened me to get me beaten up by Akash Rajpoot and she also said that had I written it about Shruti B, I wouldn’t have dared to come to write the exam the next day. I knew inside that it was totally true but still I felt bad when she said it. She said that she felt pity for my mother and sister, and my whole family. She called me unsociable, and that I was dangerous for whoever was friendly with me. She referred to Sonam, Dhanraj, and Manish while saying that these people had informed her about the risk she was taking by going after me. They say I am nymphomaniac. She said I really jeopardized her performance in the exams CG and OS.
I couldn’t concentrate after this, in the room Ankur and Shruti were playing with Jabru and it was really getting late. I went to Shruti’s room and studied until 0045, and then I went to sleep. I had tried calling Vibha three times at 0030 and then again at 0130, when I couldn’t catch sleep. I had called Ravi to share my plan about going on group date with him, Vibha, and Sonam, but he was going to bed at that moment so I just said good night.
I haven’t done anything more than transcription for the exam tomorrow.
God bless me
Ashish

2011-Jun-7

Index of Journals

June 7, 2011

I had to do Operating Systems (OS); it was not a great relief that I had completed half the course in days before CG because an equal amount of course was still left. I did it by the time it was night, slow and steady, may be. I also guessed how much work will have to be done for English exam.
There are times when I would just think about what I had done on the night of the fifth, and then what CS1 did to me. I felt like downloading the images of these people down from the Facebook and put it as video for a Hindi R rated song, for example, 'TERI G*ND MEIN DANDA RE'. It is really a nice idea to close the doors of the CS1E forever for myself. It was just this idea that I was roaming around in the room for a second and badi buaji came to taunt for not studying, god!
God bless me
Ashish