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The D Word We Avoid — And Why Facing It Can Transform Your Life
No one really wants to talk about the D word.
No, not that D word. Relax — I mean death.
We’ve come up with all kinds of ways to avoid saying it outright. In the UK you might “pop your clogs.” In Japanese, raiku means “to go to the next world.” And my newest favorite: the German phrase unter den Radieschen schauen — “looking at the radishes from below.”
But for something we avoid so fiercely, death is one of the most fascinating and powerful forces we ever encounter. It frightens us, shapes us, and — if we let it — completely transforms us.
Think about it:
How many people have had a near-death experience or lost someone they love, only to rethink everything about how they want to live? A lot of us.
Malala Yousafzai survived a gunshot wound and decided she would “make the most of this new life.”
Candy Lightner created Mothers Against Drunk Driving after her daughter was killed by a repeat offender.
Steve Jobs called death “life’s change agent.”
As a hospice and palliative care doctor, I’ve seen this transformation over and over. Some combination of tragedy, grief, and regret wakes us up. But what if we didn’t need tragedy to see clearly?
What if we could learn what death teaches — without the pain?
What if we intentionally invited mortality into our awareness, not to depress us, but to help us live better?
How Death Became My Teacher
Like many of my patients, I’ve had brushes with death that changed me.
At 13, I nearly drowned in a wave pool — an almost ridiculous place to die. Returning to normal life afterward felt surreal. I knew how close I came to having no life at all.
Then, early in my medical training, I cared for a woman only months older than me.
She was a Chinese immigrant. An only child. We had the same dark eyes, the same black hair, even the same name. It was like looking into a mirror — except one of us had terminal cancer.
Her parents flew from China believing they had months left together.
She died a week later.
Deaths like these split your world open. And yet, the changes they bring often steer us in a positive direction: toward gratitude, compassion, and purpose.
Over the years, I began to notice a pattern in my patients:
After facing death, people often say they feel like they’ve been asleep or on autopilot in their own lives.
That makes sense. Our brains are supercomputers designed for efficiency. They automate everything — even living.
It often takes a major life event — relocation, divorce, illness, job loss, a milestone birthday, or death — to short-circuit that autopilot and make us go:
“Wait… what am I doing with my life?”
But it’s not the event itself that changes us.
It’s the shift in perspective and the surge of emotion that pushes us to act.
And those two things?
We don’t need a crisis to create them.
How to Use Mortality to Wake Up — Without Waiting for Tragedy
Here are three practices that can pull you out of autopilot, help you understand your values, and minimize regret — all by bringing death a little closer in a healthy, intentional way.
The more deeply you feel these, the more powerful they become.
1. Prioritize What Really Matters
In a world where everything feels urgent, ask yourself:
“Will this matter when I’m dying?”
Zooming out to the deathbed perspective clarifies priorities instantly.
A young woman once asked me whether she should reconnect with her estranged father.
I asked her, “What would you do if you knew he had six months left?”
She didn’t hesitate: “I’d reach out.”
“Then maybe,” I said, “do it now.”
Why wait until death shifts from an abstract idea to an immediate reality?
2. Be Fully, Fiercely Present
Do you know what dying people want most?
Not bucket-list adventures.
Not material things.
They want one more morning.
To taste food.
To be with the people they love.
That’s it.
So try asking yourself:
“What if this is the last time I get to experience this?”
The last hug with a parent.
The last conversation with your best friend.
The last dinner you savor, sunset you watch, dog you cuddle.
One day, whether we like it or not, we will have a final moment with everyone and everything.
Presence is simply remembering that.
3. Minimize Regret Before It Forms
People regret what they didn’t do more than what they did.
And they regret not living up to their aspirations more than their obligations.
Here’s a powerful exercise:
Imagine it’s a year from now and you learn you’re dying.
You can feel your breath slowing.
Your days shrinking.
Ask yourself:
“What do I wish I had more time to do?”
That answer is your blueprint.
Most of us will live far longer than a year.
Some of us won’t.
So what would you need to start today to avoid tomorrow’s regrets?
The Regret That Still Stings
Not long ago, a friend of mine entered hospice. She was young and full of energy. She loved talking about death — genuinely loved it — and she was excited to contribute ideas to this very talk.
We thought she had months.
She died ten days later.
The last message she sent me was:
“We can schedule a time to talk. I would love to help.”
I meant to follow up.
But life got busy.
And now I never will.
I’m human.
But I still wonder:
If I had stepped out of my own autopilot for a moment, would I be sharing her wisdom now instead of this regret?
A Healthier Relationship With Mortality
My hope is that you won’t need a brush with death to learn these lessons.
I hope you reconnect with someone long before their final months.
That you forgive someone while both of you are still fully alive.
That you pursue your dreams now, not after a crisis.
I still don’t know why my patient and my friend died while I lived.
None of us get that answer.
What we do get is a choice:
To make our lives count.
To choose courage over fear.
Connection over isolation.
Presence over autopilot.
To reach the end of our lives saying,
“I’m so glad I did,”
not
“I wish I had.”
They say we all have two lives.
And the second begins when we realize we have only one.
So the real question is:
Who decides when your second life begins — the D word, or you?





